


Whispered Screams

by BlairDrakko



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe - Dark, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Love, M/M, Male Slash, Master/Pet, Mind Manipulation, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Please Read All Warnings, Rape/Non-con Elements, Science Experiments, Slavery, Slow Burn, Strife - Freeform, Torture, Tragic Romance, Turtlecest (TMNT), prisoner, thank you :)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2020-09-22 23:49:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 101,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20330545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlairDrakko/pseuds/BlairDrakko
Summary: Raphael has never been like his brothers.Where they seem to thrive in peace he constantly fights with those around him, pushes everyone away, and runs from his demons yet, there is always someone that waits up for the lost turtle, who cares for him, and soothes his chaos even when he knows he doesn't deserve such kindness... His eldest brother Leonardo.Though Raph loathes to admit it, Leo is his rock, his lifeline to sanity and most recently, the focus of all of his confusing and intimate dreams.Stressed and overwhelmed by his feelings for his brother, Raphael makes a mistake that sends him running right into a new sort of nightmare he never expected to face. One that will push his entire family to the brink of destruction or, perhaps bring them together like never before...





	1. Haunted Demons

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! So, first time trying a TMNT story, I normally stick to Transformers soooo, I need some practice in terminology. Second, if I accidentally call things servos, or sparks... faceplates, I apologize! I need to get used to more organic terms again!  
Anywho, I don't know where this venture shall lead but that is normally where my best stuff comes from sooo, I hope you enjoy, things may get dark...

“Damnit.” A bitter curse filtered through the usual sounds of chaos that filled New York’s night sky, its owner slumping in on himself as he crouched amongst the grotesque gargoyles that lined one of the older towers in the city. **_Fucking lost it, again._**

Raphael second oldest of the odd mutant filled family that stalked New York every night spit off the building in disgust, not even caring if the spittle landed on some poor pedestrian down below. He sighed, rolling his shoulders as his masked eyes narrowed in thought.

** _I wonder if they are even looking for me…_ **

In all his eighteen years that question, that worry always haunted him even if he didn’t want to admit it. Whenever he fell into a rage and stormed off he would find somewhere to cool down, or go find some stupid ass punks to beat into a pulp but... But that question was always at the back of his mind. Would his family come after him?

They used to come all the time when he was younger, at first just Master Splinter who would hold off on berating him until they got home and offer him a warm supportive hand up, but as they got older and his brother Leonardo became leader the daunting task fell to him.

Neither Leo nor Raph liked that the older turtle was expected to find him and drag him back, they had never really gotten along but… But as time went on and they got older Raphael would be lying if he said he didn’t miss having his brother coming after him once in a while. Actually, he couldn’t even remember the last time Leo had tried… That bugged him, made him ache... For some reason.

“Fucker…” He spat but there was no true fire in his voice, he knew exactly why his brother wasn’t coming after him tonight and he really didn’t blame him because... How could he? **_I probably wouldn’t go looking for him if he had done what I… Arrrgh, DAMNIT!_**

He lowered his head, his shoulders sagging even lower as the night’s earlier _storm,_ as he called his episodes, ran though his mind.

Today had started off well enough; all of them laughing, well mostly_ them_ laughing, and practicing when Leo just began_ eating_ into to him as he always did! He complained about how Raph wasn’t pulling his strikes enough, he complained he was moving too slow, he complained he was being sloppy in his parries and footwork but it was, was when he hit Mikey hard with the pommel of his sai and knocked him out cold that he really caught the Leo’s ire.

“I didn’t mean ta…” He muttered to the wind, his body shivering a bit in the cold autumn air.

He really didn’t mean to take the smaller turtle out like that and Leo wasn’t _completely_ wrong with his critique of his performance tonight but, but if he could only get more than a fucking hour or two worth of _sleep_ then _maybe_ he would perform better!

**_Fucking dreams… No, nightmares more like it. _**He grit his teeth as an unwanted image from said nightmares fleeted through his mind and he hastily pushed it away. **_Shit man… Not one damn minute I can be free of ‘um._**

Recently he had been plagued by the cursed things, they tore into him every night making him question EVERY-DAMN-THING and then he had to wake and pretend that everything was just _peachy keen_!? IT WASN’T HIS FAULT!

His anger grew again, he could feel it bubbling like acid in his stomach, feel it tighten in his chest, feel it crawl up to his head like fire… **_ARRRRGH! DAMNIT! Stop it!_**

A shaky breath escaped him and he began counting. “Juu, kyuu, hachi, shichi, roku, go…” Slowly, inhaling and exhaling with each number he counted down from ten to one in Japanese and he felt the rage ebb. It was a mantra he used often, Splinter having shown it to him when he was much younger, when his anger had become a problem not just for him but the whole family.

**_And here I am again, being nothing but a problem for ‘um all. _**He shook his head, his golden eyes opening as he scanned along the city below. **_Quiet tonight, that sucks._**

He would have loved to hit a few thugs tonight, was_ longing_ for it after his fight with Leo but so far nothing _he_ could handle had popped up. Being a crime fighter was a wonderful thing, as long as his mutant ass wasn't seen cause then hell broke loose.

He couldn’t even count the number of times he had saved someone from a mugger or rapist just to be screamed at, called a freak, or suddenly have them attack him, _him_ after he just saved their ungrateful asses!

He understood their reactions, on a basic level of understanding human ignorance, but it, it still hurt… **_Should just let them figure their own way outta their own shit._**

He had said that a lot over the years but rarely, if ever, meant it. He lived for fighting, it was like he was born for it and if he couldn’t fight anymore, if he didn’t have the chance to beat some clowns down every night well… He had nothing.

Nothing but a family he constantly messed up and infected with his bullshit with his fits , his _storms.._. It was a wonder they hadn’t just abandoned him yet… Not entirely at least.

He lifted his head higher, his eyes peering around him as he heard a small shuffle and for just a moment his heart raced thinking it was Leo finally coming after him! His fragile hope burned to ash though as two pigeons suddenly cooed and flew off from a nearby ledge in a flutter of feathers.

**_Leo… I am sorry. I shouldn’t have said that shit… I get it. _**He scratched just under the right side of his mask, his face scowling as all the hateful words he had spouted out at his older brother rang in his head, each insult, each scathing curse playing out like some twisted melody.

When a _storm_ hit him Raph knew he… He could be a real demon. It wasn’t like he_ liked_ falling to that, it wasn’t like he tried to lose it but, much like his fighting ability, it was just one gloriously natural gifts he was cursed with from the gods and he just needed to deal with it… Awesome.

Not only did_ he_ need to deal with it but _anyone_ that had the misfortune to enter his_ ring_ of despair and fury did too soooo, tonight’s victim just happened to be Leo…

Raphael had been too tired for too long, those messed up dreams diving him crazy, Leo’s constant yelling driving him crazy, and he had snapped like an undersized speedo on a fat guy.

He saw red, he saw spots, everything blurred and by the time he came back to himself his throat was raw from screaming and his fists were bleeding so much he felt faint. He had panicked immediately when he came back to himself, not sure if the blood was his or Leonardo’s but luckily it seemed he had only wailed on the smaller turtle just a few times before he decided to tear the fucking _wall_ down with his fists instead.

He was only slightly successful in that endeavor, his flesh paying for his idiocy more that the cement wall, they had given up on plaster long ago, and then just when he thought things couldn’t get any worse fate decided to stomp his face in just a little more and he gaped in shame as Master Splinter walked into the dojo…

The old rat had been very ill recently, his sickness growing worse and worse no matter how much medicine Donnie gave him, no matter how much rest he got and that he dragged himself out of bed because of _him_.

Raph had lost it, his previous rage vanishing like a fire hit by a tsunami and he, he _ran. _He didn’t even let his father get one word out before his body was scrambling down the hall like a mad man, not even bringing his belt or weapons as he crawled out of the sewers and just fucking fled.

He ran, ran like a FUCKING _COWARD_ and now here he was lamenting and bitching like some pussy because he screwed up, like _always._

A wail of sirens sounded somewhere not too far from where he was perched and he lifted his head to where the noise was coming from. **_Should I check it out?_**

He frowned as he pondered that option._ Technically_ he had no weapons but that didn’t mean he was defenseless but, he was also alone.

**_I like being alone. _**He thought irritably.

_No you don’t. _Some quieter voice whispered in response and he growled.

** _Shut up!_ **

Rolling his shoulders once more Raph smiled, he needed to blow off some of this steam, he needed this! He rolled back on his shell, bringing his knees to his chest before rocking forwards at top speed and jumping to his feet.

**_I don’t need nobody, I got me and my fists… That is enough. _**He told himself as he jumped from the edge of the building he was on and landed gracefully on the fire escape off the side. His muscles warmed, his body vibrating with excitement as he clambered down to the street.

He didn’t need anyone’s approval, he didn’t need anyone’s help, he didn’t need any fearless, perfect leader telling him what to do… He was free!

…………………………

Leonardo sat at the kitchen table, his eyes dark, his body still as he stared at the pitted oak slab before him mournfully. **_Damnit Raph, it has been six hours… Where are you?_**

A clock ticked mockingly against the southern wall of the room and he fought the urge to look at it again… He had already done so around a thousand times today, the last time exactly 4 and a half minutes… **_Shit… I looked._**

The oldest brother of the Hamato family cursed, inwardly only of course, as he tore his eyes from the clock. “Where are_ you_ Raphie?”

Half of him had wanted to run after Raph the moment the larger turtle had frantically scrambled away once their father arrived but the other half was just… Just _tired_.

Once upon a time, far too long ago he used to be able to help his younger brother, help him with his demons and sooth his _storms_ but as they grew older and their paths divided in such drastic ways he found himself becoming more and more lost when it came to Raph.

Leonardo scoffed, his chin falling to his hand unconsciously and he hissed as pain from his fresh bruise rippled through his cheek... Just another example of how he was failing so terribly with his lost brother. **_Well, at least he didn’t do any real damage… For now._**

In many ways the eldest Hamato grieved the relapse he saw in his brother today, for a few years it seemed like Raph had been getting better! Heck, he even smiled at least twice a day well, until recently.

It was clear his brother wasn’t sleeping and whether that was from his growing alcohol problem or just his natural odd and frustrated demeanor, Leo wasn’t sure but he knew one thing... He, HE was responsible for all of his teammates, all of his brothers and he needed to get a hold on Raph before he fell too far.

**_I should have gone after him tonight… _**He thought angrily as he once again found himself checking the clock but, as angry as he was at himself for _not_ doing so he was also frustrated that needing to go after Raph was still a problem! He had enough problems!

He was next in line after Splinter, he had a family to care for, he needed to make sure they had food, shelter, money, training… He was the first one on the field and the last one off and Raphael just, just _flying _off the handle was not only juvenile but _dangerous_!

The Foot Clan was constantly growing in numbers these days, the hate in humans stirring far more rapidly than _any _of them had ever seen so Shredder never seemed without a steady flow of willing murderers, nevermind the normal everyday violence that was on the rise.

The world was clawing itself apart and he needed to fix it all the while staying up until_ three a.m._ to make sure his idiot, egocentric, CRAZY BROTHER made it back to the…

_Creeeeeak…_

Leo’s head lifted as the telltale sounds of the lair’s entrance echoed through the air. **_Raph!?_**

He stood silently, his body rigid, his face stern as he turned and stared at the hall in front of the kitchen. **_He had better be ok, stupid foolish…_**

“Uhhgggh…”

Leonardo’s eyes widened as a pained moan came from the front hall and suddenly, he was moving. He didn’t run necessarily but he moved swift enough that as he turned the corner from the main hall of their hideout and Raph just started to crumble to the ground, he was able to lunge forwards and catch him.

“Uhhhh! I got ya!” He exclaimed as his younger brother’s limp form collapsed into his arms and he slowly, carefully eased them both to the floor. **_Oh Raph… Look at you!_**

His brother was covered in knife wounds and bruises, his usually dark green complexion pale and sickly looking and, and the blood…

“Uhhh… L-Leo?”

Leonardo clenched his jaw, his face twisting with anger and fear until he found Raphael’s dark amber eyes looking up at him so, so brokenly. “Darn it Raph… What did you..”

“I… I am s-sorry. D-don’t, d-don’t hate you…” The younger turtle stammered out through torn lips and all of Leo’s anger dissipated… Well, most of it.

“_Baka_…” Leo said gently, shaking his head as held his brother tightly. “You are covered in blood. Come on… Let us get you patched u…”

“Leo…”

Leonardo paused in his efforts to get his brother up when he felt the younger turtle's hand gently cup the side of his face. Raphael stared up at him, his eyes clouded with pain, remnants of his _storm_ and, and something else... Something hidden,_ secret_ calling to him from the shadows there and Leo blinked in confusion as his heart jumped at the sight.

“What, what is it Raph?” He asked softly, wishing he could help his dark brother, wishing he understood and for a moment he thought Raphael would open up to him, would let him in like he used to so long ago…

“N-nevermind…” The younger mutant muttered, his eyes lowering as he curled into himself and Leonardo sighed.

“A-alright…” He said, hiding his disappointment, his concern with a forced smile. “Let’s, let's get you cleaned up.”

Raph nodded and together they managed to stumble to the bathroom without waking anyone else up. Leo lowered his brother to the toilet, making sure he could sit up alone before he went rummaging for their med kits and as he did so the lost Hamato brother watched him through hazy optics.

** _Just… Just tell him. Just tell him about the dreams that haunt ya, the thoughts! Tell him about why you can’t sleep! It, it ain’t that weird! It ain’t! It won’t scare him away! This is Leo!_ **

Raphael's beak opened, the words right there, his heart pounding as he worked the confession through his frantic, hazy mind over, and over, and over… **_Leo… Shit man I am sorry I… I have been thinking and dreaming some shit and… And it is, is about you and… I think I… I think I am in love with you…_**

“Ok, I think I have everything we need…” Leo started as he carefully held all of his supplies in his arms just to freeze when he turned to his brother and found those same desperate, _aching_ eyes on him. His brother was in pain, he _knew _it and not from any of the wounds that now littered his body but… But in his _heart_. _**Oh Raphie, what is so bad you need to hide it from everyone!?**_

“Raph…” He asked quietly, his voice low but in the silence it seemed thunderous and he felt bad when his brother flinched at the sound. “I… Raph, are you alrig…”

“_Mmm_ fine! Gimme that!” The other turtle demanded gruffly, standing on unsteady legs as he ripped the supplies from Leo’s arms, many of the bandages falling to the ground in his haste.

“Raph!?” Leonardo exclaimed, bending to pick up the supplies when his brother growled at him, _growled _at him.

“G-go to bed… I… I don’t need ya, ya help.” The younger turtle snapped smugly yet his eyes never lifted from the floor. “Jus… Just go.”

Leonardo felt like a rock had just dropped onto his chest and he fought to keep from slapping his _brother_ right across his ungrateful face. “_F-Fine!_ I was only trying to help! If you are so, so _disgusted_ by that concept GO AHEAD, do it ALONE! Not like I wanted to deal with your crap anyways!” He spat, not sparing his brother another look as he stomped out of the bathroom and finally to his room to sleep…

Raphael watched him go, his eyes burning and heart hammering so loudly it almost drowned out the smaller turtle’s angry march away from him… Almost.

It was silent now, silent like he liked it… Like he, he deserved. **_I don’t need anybody._**

_You lie… _That wretched truth whispered but he ignored it pushed it back just as he did his demon, if not more so because… Because if he let those whispers win he… He might…

“_Fuck_ this…” Raphael muttered to himself in his haven of silence and shame. All of this was just _fine!_

He snorted indignantly before he started to unroll the gauze Leo had so quickly, so_ worriedly_ grabbed for him and a whimper unwittingly escaped him as he caught the scent of the other male on the cloth…

**_I… I am sick… Something is wrong with me, something has always been wrong with me! _**Tears fell as he slowly, achingly began to patch his wounds all the while wishing, wishing it was his brother… His damningly perfect, wonderful, caring, and… And b-beautiful brother doing it for him instead of… Of him. Instead of his broken, cursed, tainted ass d-doing it all alone... Like everything these days...

** _Fuck all this… Just… Fuck._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Baka= Stupid/ Idiot in English 
> 
> Juu, kyuu, hachi, shichi, roku, go = 10, 9, 8 7, 6, 5... in English


	2. When it Rains...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO! Thank you guys for the kudos and comments! I was sooo worried about trying out TMNT stuff but I am happy I tried! And your support totally rocks soo, yeah! Ok, this will be a darker more adult story, it will have laughs as well, love, all sorts of that jazz but I am going for a lot of Raphael agony, I always torture my favorite characters, I am so bad.  
Anywho, now you know so jump ship if need be and all that jazz.  
So, enjoy and sorry for errors!

Leonardo woke early the next morning, as he always did no matter how tired he was, and immediately began his daily routine. His steps were a little off at first but considering how long he had performed these duties he could allow his still waking mind to take a rest as muscle memory took over.

First on the list was getting coffee brewing for Donnie and Raph. He dutifully rinsed out some cups and set them by the coffee machine. Next he prepared the machine itself filling first the glass canter up for precisely how many cups he wanted brewed, two extra today considering Raph’s late night, and poured it into the back slots of the coffee maker. Last was his favorite part and he inhaled deeply as he began to fill the paper filter with the delicious smelling brown granules. Leo hated the taste of coffee but couldn’t deny the scent of it was rather intoxicating, if only it didn’t taste like bitter water afterwards.

Once done with that he began to stretch while cleaning the den of whatever was left from the night before. His groaning muscles soon began to sing as he moved around the living area, his blood flowing more freely with every toy (Mikey’s) or electronic gizmo (Donnie’s) or tool (Raph’s) he would find. **_I need to get these guys to pick up after themselves better. I can do it now but if Splinter dies then…_**

Leo froze, his hazy mind now completely awake as his heart began hammering in his chest and he almost dropped all of his prizes on the floor for how badly he was shaking. **_No, no stop! He is just sick, he will get better and everything will get back to normal! So just… Just don’t go down that road! Not, not yet… Not ye…_**

“I was looking for those!”

“Ahhhh!” Leo jumped as Mikey’s voice abruptly pulled him from his dark thoughts and this time all of his treasures did fall from his arms, each crashing loudly to the floor.

Mikey covered his ear slits as he grimaced at his older brother. “Dude! Sooooo loud!”

Leo glared at him flatly before he started to pick up all of the items all over again. “Yeah well, don’t sneak up on me like that Mikey!”

“Whoa, I didn’t even know such a thing was possible!” Suddenly the younger turtle gasped, dramatically placing his hands in front of his mouth as his eyes grew as larger as saucers. “I must be getting _better_!”

Leo blinked at his brother, almost correcting him and letting him know he was not getting better he just hardly slept and was thinking about Splinter thus why he was so distracted buuuuut, he let it slide. **_Let him have a moment, I will show him the truth in training._**

“How’s your face anyways, Leo?” Mikey as he began his own morning chores, breakfast.

Leonardo looked away for a moment but then shook his head and forced a smile. “I am fine, another day and bruises won’t even be visible. How about yours?”

“All better!” Mikey reported, rapping on his forehead with his knuckles to prove his words and Leo nodded in relief. With their mutant blood came numerous advantages and one, luckily, was healing. It was no surprise the egg that had formed on Mikey’s head was gone but deeper bruises and cuts took a little extra time.

**_I wonder what Raph will look like today. _**Leo pondered suddenly and almost growled as he remembered how ungrateful the larger turtle had been last night. **_Stay up and wait for him and he basically tells me to go to Hell… I can feel the love from here._**

He huffed as he continued cleaning, his eyes going to Raph’s door now and then as he cleaned yet he didn’t give his brother another thought as he finished up and then moved on to his final task… His final but most important.

He prepared the tea first, making sure to add the right herbs to it and checking how hot it was before he began making his way down the longest hall in their lair.

“Hey if he is awake tell him I said good morning.” Mikey called to him from the stove.

“I will.” Leo assured him, inhaling deeply as the scent of bacon filled the air, if there was one thing he loved more than pizza it was bacon. Not the healthiest food for a growing ninja buuuut, at least it provided protein.

Leo’s jovial thoughts on food stuffs came to an end though as he began the long trek towards his destination, and like always he felt his stomach flip a bit before he entered the hall. **_Come on, you can do this. Everything will be fine, it will be normal… You got this._**

His walk to his father’s room was slow, his steps light but hesitant, would today be the day? Would today be the day where he walked in and found nothing but, but a cold still c-corpse…

**_DAMNIT! Stop, stop thinking like, like that! _**He berated himself but he knew no matter how much he pushed those thoughts back it was a very real, and exceptionally terrifying reality that could drop on him and his brothers at any moment.

This was always the hardest part of the day for him but it also gave him hope to move on through the day as well. If he found his father alive he would get him food, help him eat and drink, and prop him up so he could read and such through the day and then continue on…

But if not…

Leo sighed quietly as he stopped outside of Splinter’s door, his body too rigid and heart pulsing too quickly but he forced his hand out and slowly slid the door open. **_Please Sensei, father… Be alive, be breathing, plea… Oh!_**

Leo stopped, his eyes wide as he found his father thankfully sleeping soundly on his bed but next to him, balled up on the floor was a poorly bandaged Raphael who was also sleeping.

**_Oh Raph… You big idiot. _**Leo tiptoed into the room, placing the tea on the table next to his father’s bed before moving over and crouching next to his brother as he pondered how to wake him. Sometimes waking Raph was a nightmare because he was a stubborn ass that hated to be bothered and sometimes it was a nightmare because he would just wake up screaming and ready for a fight.

Leo couldn’t deny that through the years, through the fights he too had awoken screaming before, their lifestyle gave them plenty of horrific things to dream about but with Raph it was just amplified by his already raging demeanor.

The oldest brother scanned over the many visible wounds on the sleeping turtle, happy to see many of them had already scabbed and would be scars by tomorrow but there were many deeper ones that still oozed through the poorly wrapped bandages. It was clear his brother had fought while in the red, not even defending himself and just going all out on whomever attacked him. If Splinter were to see these wounds he would be furious and yell at Raph for caring so little for his own life...

It was a common source for argument.

**_Damnit, you should have let me help you. Why do you always need to go looking for a fight Raph? Always alone too… We, we are supposed to be a team, a family! _**Leonardo exhaled slowly as he gently placed one of his hands on his brother’s shoulder.

“Raphie, hey…” He whispered, praying to any gods that would listen that his brother would wake peacefully.

A light moan came from the slumbering turtle but nothing else. **_Ughhh, ok maybe a little tiny shake._**

Swallowing hard Leo moved his arm, rocking Raph slowly back and forth. “Raph, hey bro, you need to wake up. You are bleeding on the floor and need new bandages.”

Raph’s eyelids kind of fluttered a bit, his golden eyes creaking open and peeking at him before a wonderful and surprising smile spread across his face.

Leonardo was astounded to find such a peaceful expression on his brother’s face, his amazement growing as Raph lifted an arm and he thought the larger turtle was going to hug him only to hold in a squeal of shock as that arm did indeed wrap around the back of him but pulled him down too!

“Ooof!” A huff of air escaped Leo as he found himself lying closely next to his brother, their foreheads touching and Raph’s arm wrapped tightly around the back of his shell and he murmured and fell back to sleep.

“R-Raph, hey!” Leo whispered insistently yet quieted as the larger turtle unexpectedly nuzzled his beak against his and, and his heart jumped a bit at the warm contact. **_Raph?_**

Beyond sparing together or the few random cold hugs he would receive from his brother, usually as a result of an apology, Leonardo realized something; this was the first time Raph had touched him in so long where it actually felt genuine.

His blue eyes crinkled as a smile came to his own face and he nuzzled his nose against Raph’s as well. **_I, I miss you Raphie… I miss you so much._**

Their lives were constantly in danger, any of them could die tomorrow, heck today even and, and all they really had was each other. Sure they had some friends out there in the world, Aril, Casey, and a handful of others but… But at the end of the day it was really _just them_. Their little clan that constantly strived to save a world they were never meant for, a world they hide from so, so that Raph felt the need to push them away so often had always confused Leo…

Didn’t he get lonely?

Raph sighed happily in his sleep, his body moving closer to Leo’s and suddenly their plastrons were touching and a low moan came from his brother.

Leo felt a blush burn on his cheeks yet shook his head as he tried to wake his brother once more. “Raph… Raphael! You, you need to wake up.” He hissed through his teeth, his blush glowing bright as a very telling scent of arousal began to fill the air and he felt the larger turtle roll his hips against his!

**_Oh my, oh my… Ok, just, just need to wake him up! Probably dreaming of all those women he plasters all over his walls. _**He thought rolling his eyes as images of his brother’s quarters flickered through his mind. It was a good thing Master Splinter never checked in on them in their rooms any more cause seeing all those half naked women would probably give the poor rat a heart attack.

Leo understood they were teenagers and had interests but come on, show a little res…

“L-Leoo…” A mumbled moan came from Raph and Leonardo cheered thinking his brother was finally waking up.

“Yes, yes it is me here!” He said quickly, his eyes going from the edge of the bed to his brother’s face and back again. “You need to get up Raph, you are on father’s floor and moaning like a…”

“Unnn…” Raph’s hot breath was coming faster now, his arm tightening its hold and Leo fought from falling to complete panic.

“Raph! Please! You need to _wake_ _up_!” He tried to push away from the larger turtle but that just seemed to make Raph hold onto him more and a slight squeak came from his throat as those hips rolled against him again only this time he felt a growing bulge rub against him too!

** _Ohhhh boy, ohhh he is going to be so pissed when he wakes up and just finds me lying here! I need to get him up before this goes any further!_ **

Leo lifted his head, his mouth opening to start yelling at his brother if need be when a strangled gasp came out instead as Raph’s head moved closer and suddenly, they were kissing! **_Oh shit, oh shit! What do I, what do I DO!?_**

Again Leo tried to pull out of his brother’s vise like hold, his body wiggling as _quietly_ as he could but, like everything else thus far, not only did his actions _not_ help but just resulted in encouraging the other turtle to increase his advances.

Raph’s large hand rubbed Leo’s shell gently, his hips constantly thrusting forwards now and his mouth…

Leo shut his eyes, his heart thundering so loudly he was sure it alone could wake Splinter at this point but for some reason when he felt Raph’s tongue poke out, the slick muscle licking at his lips, like he was asking to be let in all sense seemed to leave him and he found his body betraying him as his mouth opened.

**_Ohhhh… Ohhh my… _**Leo tightened his throat to keep the growing moan from escaping him as Raph’s tongue swirled inside of him, his own slipping across it coiling with it as his breath quickened.

He, he had never kissed anyone like this! He had kissed his brothers before but on the head or whatever, and April kissed them at times as a friend would but this… This was warm, possessive, wet and so very…

**_WRONG! Holy SHIT! What am I doing!? Molesting my sleeping BROTHER!? _**Reality crashed down over Leo like an icy wave of shame and self-loathing and he shook Raph hard, no longer caring if he woke up screaming this… This had gone way, WAAAAY too far!

“GET UP!” He exclaimed in his normal tone, shoving the larger turtle hard in the gut and thanked the stars as Raph’s eyes not only opened wide but the younger turtle did so with only a grunt.

“Uhhh! What the… Leo? Whadda ya doing in my r_oom_!?” Raph hissed, his foggy mind pulling him from the wonderful and intoxicating dream he had just been having and he stared in horror as he found the subject of said dream lying right in _front_ of him. **_What the fuck!? What the FUCK !?_**

Leo scowled uncomfortably at him but his eyes never quite reached his. “We_ aren’t_ in your room so be quiet! We are in Splinter’s!”

“W-what?” The larger turtle groaned in confusion as he blinked and peered around them. **_Oh yeah, came here after bandages and… Shit, musta fallen asleep but what is HE doing here, and what is HE lying next to me for!? And, and what is that scent… Oh fuck._**

Leo saw a shift in his brother’s face then, his expression going from surprise, to confusion, to abject horror as he slowly lowered his head to the bulge in his nether regions. His shaft hadn’t escaped his sheath, thank gods, but it was right at the entrance, straining against the cartilage there hard and just a little pre-cum was dripping from the slit…

“I, I am sorry!” Leo hissed through clenched teeth. “I was just trying to wake you and then you, you dragged me down and began humping me and then uhh…” His blush had officially become a shade of red never before discovered and he found himself uncertain if he should even mention their kiss. **_Damnit, I… Maybe I should just stay quiet? It, it wasn’t like he meant to, it wasn’t like I DID… Right?_**

He glanced at his brother nervously, warring with himself the entire time but little did he know that as he was berating his actions concerning his innocent kiss Raph was positively tearing himself_ apart_ for not only advancing on Leo but for doing so while having a very, very _suggestive_ dream of him.

** _Fuck, fuck, fuck! What is wrong with me! I almost, I was humping him!? Humping him on the floor of Splinter’s ROOM!? WHAT THE FUCK!?_ **

Leo frowned as Raph’s expression continued to get darker and darker, fearing perhaps the other turtle blamed _him_ for what happened and… He wasn’t terribly wrong, not about retuning the kiss at least, but otherwise Leo hadn’t _meant_ for this to happen and he felt his own defenses flair. **_He probably is going to blame me for all of this! Blame me like he does for every wrong that comes to him!_**

“Hey, I said I was sorry but, but I didn’t _ask_ to be jumped on.” He whispered harshly, dragging Raph’s eyes from his quickly withering hard-on and back to his face.

“I…” Raph stuttered, his heart withering just as quickly as his erection when he found Leo staring at him so heatedly, and not in a good way like his cursed dreams. **_Damnit he is pissed. He should be pissed, who wouldn’t be pissed after being manhandled by their own brother like some fucking sex doll or something. DAMNIT!_**

Leo growled, his embarrassment, confusion, and exhaustion just making all of this too much for him right now and the last thing he needed was for Raph to fly into a rage because he… He… **_Ohhh man, I… I need to tell him. Tell him I… Arrrgh, why did I kiss him back!?_**

Raph was silent, not trusting his voice as he watched Leo roll away from him, his lithe form gracefully making it to a crouch before his muscles contracted and he stood. The older turtle peeked at Splinter a moment, exhaling in relief when he found his father still deep in slumber but he couldn’t meet Raph’s gaze, not yet.

“We… Let’s just… Arrgh. Mikey is making breakfast, come on.” He muttered, his body turning and walking out of the room as Raph was left, once more, to watch his brother stomp angrily away from him.

The red masked turtle sighed, his head dropping heavily between his shoulders as he dragged his aching body off the floor and shamefully trudged after his brother. **_Damnit all… Just what the fuck is wrong with me? Is there not a day where I don’t just make things ten times more complicated for myself?_**

As awkward as his morning had been, poor Raph had no idea what kind of a shit show his day was really gonna turn into cause fate just loves to fuck with the broken, doesn’t it?

** _……………….._ **

Breakfast had been painfully uncomfortable for the four teens, so much so Donnie had rolled his eyes and chosen to finish in his room and even Mikey had been uncharacteristically silent, well, at _first_. The smallest of the four could only keep his thoughts to himself for so long though and had lasted about ten minutes before he began rambling about anything and everything that entered his mind.

Currently he was asking about what Raph’s night entailed, why he had so many new wounds, who did the crappy job of fixing him up, and who knew what else.

Raph loved his little brother but sometimes he wished he would just get a hint and _shut up_. He had patiently muttered answers to most of the questions, idly picking at his eggs and bacon as he stared at them and them alone. **_Well, I guess his rambling is better than just bitter silence, shows he forgives me for hitting him so hard._**

His brothers always forgave him eventually, for some fucking reason Raph couldn’t really understand, but he was grateful for it. Yeah they drove him crazy, yeah he didn’t really fit the mold of his family, but he couldn’t find the courage to leave them… Even though he probably should have long ago.

Finally the seemingly endless torture of breakfast ended and they all moved off to the dojo to begin training. Neither Leo nor Raph met eyes again as they started, each pointedly avoiding looking at one another at all as they stretched yet each had a blush across his face while doing so. It would have almost been cute if Raph wasn’t slowly building up his frustration and self-loathing the entire time.

He, he was at a loss! He knew he had yearnings and shit, that he wasn’t just some unfeeling mutant that could go his whole life without wanting somebody close, somebody to be with but long ago he had known that there was no chance for something like that to ever come to any of them! They all did!

It was like a deafening scream no one ever mentioned, or noticed but… But it was always there no matter how much they would have liked to pretend wasn’t. They were never going to get the chance to have mates… This, this family, maybe some outside friends and that was it! That is all they could have out of life…

Shit, Splinter hadn’t even mentioned it! Never in all his lessons, in all his teachings had he ever brought up feelings of lust, or a need for deeper contact with another being… _Nothing!_

Raph couldn’t _really_ blame him, he guessed, the rat was old already when he found them but, but _they weren’t! _They were just coming into their hormonal stages and, and if being a damn mutant wasn’t hard enough for the youths than being some that couldn’t even hope for love was so, soooo much worse!

“Arrrrrgh!” Raph punched his training bag_ hard_, not realizing his thoughts had apparently brought him deeper and deeper into the haze of his fury and he watched in horror as the bag broke from its chain and went sailing through the air right towards where Leo was sitting and stretching out. **_SHIIIT!_**

“LEO! LOOK OUT!” Raph cried, leaping after the heavy bag to try and catch it before it slammed into his brother.

Leo was up in a moment, his body curling together as he leapt to the side just as the bag crashed down just inches away from him. He almost breathed a breath of relief until he looked up and found Raph flying after the bag and he only had a second to brace himself before the other turtle plowed right into him and both of them fell to the ground in a jumbled, pain ridden heap.

“UHHHH!” The older turtle cried as Raph’s weight collapsed on him, his head knocking against the floor hard enough that he saw stars and for just a moment he laid there stunned as the world spun around him.

“Ohhh shit Leo! I am so sorry!” Raph called to him, his face just inches from the smaller turtles as he tried to get his feet under him again.

“Geez, Raph! Is there anything you won’t break in here man!?” Donnie’s voice filtered through his panic and Raph growled at him.

“Shut the fuck up, Donnie! I said I was sorry.” He spat as he lifted himself to his hands and knees, more than a little aware at how smooth Leo felt under him. **_Arrgh, damnit!_**

“Easy Raph, he was just kidding.” Mikey said as he walked over and grabbed the punching bag off the floor.

“Well ,sorta.” Donnie retorted as he peered behind him at the damaged wall from last night. “I mean if you look at the statistics Raph does have an average percentile of destruction that none of the rest of us can even…”

“I said SHUT UP! I know I am fucking destructive damnit! I don’t need your smart ass to tell me that!” Raph snarled back hating how Donnie’s eyes seemed to dim afterwards.

“You don’t have to be so mean Raph! You are the one that screwed up, NOT Donnie!” Leo’s condescending voice joined the party and Raph glared at his fallen brother darkly.

“What the fuck is it, all gang up on Raph day?” He asked angrily, uncertain why he hadn’t stood up from his perch above Leo yet, but… But he did smell really good.

“Nooo.” Leonardo drawled in that annoying angry teacher kind of way. “You are just acting like a child and we are calling you out on it.”

Raphael rumbled deep in his torso and he brought his head closer to the smaller turtle. “I said I was sorry! I didn’t mean to break the chain and yet all I catch from you guys is nothing but heat!”

Leo swallowed hard for how close those lips were to his, how warm Raph’s minty breath was on his flushed cheeks and flashes of this morning ran through his mind guiltily. “Uhh, wait _what_!? We aren’t gaining up on you! You are just being overly sensitive and _defensive_ as usual!”

Raph’s eye twitched. “_Sensitive!?_ You calling me a girl Leo! Don’t tell me you are calling me no girl.”

“That would be a double negative Raph.” Donnie chimed in smugly, the purple masked turtle crossing his arms as he smirked at him. “So technically you are asking him _to_ call you a girl, just saying.”

Raph blushed brightly, his muddled mind not being able to keep up with what was going on or what he was saying at this point. He did however seem to hyper focus on Leo, how soft he was, how warm, his scent, his stunningly blue eyes… **_Arrrrgh FUUUCK! _**

Raph lifted his head, his eyes narrowed as he glared at his other brother. “SHUT UP! We all know you ain’t nothing but some pathetic nerd any ways, if you didn’t have ya smarts you wouldn’t have _shit_!”

Leo growled under him, the sound vibrating through his body and Raph gasped when he felt said vibration against his thighs, his thighs that were very much touching Leo’s! **_When did that happen!?_**

“Stop being such a cruel jerk Raph!” The oldest turtle yelled, pulling Raph’s eyes back to his yet there was no warmth in those blue orbs any longer and definitely no patience. “Will you stop hurting your family for once!? _Huh_!? It is like you can’t stand us and need to be the most wretched bastard at all times! Are you trying to drive us away because darn it Raph, it is working!”

Raph’s haze lifted a little at Leo’s words and he felt his heart kind of fall to his stomach. “What, no… I… I just…”

“You are causing problems, that is what you are doing!” Leo spat, his own frustrations when it came to Raph bubbling up from the hole he had tried so hard to bury them all in but after weeks of rages, of him storming off, leaving Leo to just handle everything alone he was quite angry himself! “Well, well I have enough problems, we _all_ do alright!? We have the Foot constantly tearing through the city, we have hardly any money to buy food, you keep BREAKING our HOME and beating on us, and to top it all off Splinter is dyi…”

Leo stopped himself, his breath caught in his chest as that shadow, that fear burned through his heart like acid and suddenly everyone was silent and even the air in the room seemed to grow colder.

Raph’s anger was washed away in an instant as he watched his ever infallible fearless leader’s eyes well up with tears. “Leo… I…”

“JUST STOP!” Leo yelled, his head turned away as he fought to collect himself. “Stop Raph, please… I just… I have enough on my plate other than having to babysit you! To, to control you! I mean, how selfish can you be!?”

Leo turned his head back to face his brother, a single tear slipping from his eye as he glared at the larger turtle. “I have nothing left to give Raph, _nothing. _None of us do when it comes to you and it’s not like it would matter anyways because you would probably just insult us, or hit us and then run away like you always do! Well I for one am tired of being your darn punching bag, physically or verbally!”

Raph shrunk back, finally lifting himself off of his brother and standing with his head hung low as Leo sat up and scowled at him furiously. “That is what you do, you rage… You rage and then _we_ need to pick up the pieces as you run off to who knows where all the while putting us all on edge wondering if you are _safe,_ or getting into_ trouble_, or DEAD! Splinter, Splinter used to lose his mind over it but now he is too sick to even… Arrrgh, FUCK!”

All of the brothers eyes opened wide at Leo’s harsh language, Leo never swore, never lost it like this… Evidently their father’s declining health was really having an effect on him.

A sniffle was heard and ever body looked over to find Mikey wiping tears from his face. “Leo you, you really think Splinter is gonna… Gonna die, man?”

“No.”

“Yes.”

Raph and Leo spoke at the same time, Raph lying to save Mikey more pain and Leo telling him the truth and the poor guy looked between his two oldest brothers worriedly. “What?”

Leo growled and Raph and Raph returned it with his own snarl.

“Don’t lie to him Raph, this is serious.” Leo threatened and Raph bristled.

“I ain’t _lying_. He will die, sure but, but not any time soon.” He grated out in response.

Donnie slumped his shoulders. “Come on guys, can we just practice, please? I, I don’t wanna talk about this.”

“Neither do I, so shut it Leo.” Raph mumbled, turning away from his brother as he prepared to leave the room. His anger was back, its fire teasing him, whispering no _begging_ for release at the mention of Splinter’s fragility.

Like the concept of being unlovable this was another blaring secret that none of them had really addressed but compared to the love issue, their father’s impending death was one Raph had thus far refused to accept and, and was perfectly fine at leaving it silent.

“You can’t run from this Raph, none of us can.”

Raphael felt his hands fist at his sides and his steps paused. “Leo, don’t man. Not now.”

The oldest turtle sighed as he stood and scanned over all of his brothers. “This is… This is something that has been hanging over us for a while now guys. I, I think it is about time we talk about…”

“NO!” Raph exclaimed angrily, spinning on his heel as he glared daggers at his brother. “No, no we ain’t talking about this damnit.”

Leo narrowed his eyes at him. “Raph this is important and just because _you_ don’t want to face this doesn’t mean it isn’t happening! He is losing more and more weight…”

“Stop it Leo, I am warning you.” Raph growled as he took a step closer to his brother.

“He didn’t even eat breakfast this morning.” Leo continued, not caring if Raphael didn’t want to hear the truth, didn’t want to face this nightmare but _damnit all_ if this wasn’t something_ all_ of them needed to face, not just him alone! Sure he was their leader, but there were somethings even Leo needed help on and this, THIS was one of them!

“I fucking mean it Leo, shut it.”

Leonardo met his brother’s fiery gaze straight on. “He is dying Raph, he is dying and he probably only has a little more time before…”

“I SAID SHUT UP!”

Leo blinked as Raph suddenly became a blur, the larger turtle streaking across his vision before popping up right in front of him and he could only peer at him sadly as he watched the fist rise up…

“STOOOOP RAPH!”

There was another flash, this time one with an orange hue and suddenly Raph’s shadow was ripped to the side as Mikey tackled him to the ground. “Mikey wait!”

The smallest brother roared, talking about his father dying was bad enough but to see Raph go and try to hurt Leo again… _That was it_!

He and Raph landed hard on the ground, his lighter frame hardly feeling the impact as he then raised his own fists and began to wail on his brother. “I HATE YOU! I H-HATE HOW MEAN YOU ARE! WHY!? WHY DO YOU JUST HURT US! You, you are NOHING! Nothing but a MONSTER, just like SHREDDER!”

Donnie and Leo were there in a moment, both of them working around Mikey’s flailing arms before they could drag him off of Raph.

“Mikey stop! Come on, man! You are better than this!” Donnie pleaded with him, holding the smaller turtle close as he tried to calm his anger.

Mikey could hardly see because of the tears in his eyes, his body shaking from head to toe. “Yeah, YEAH I AM. We are all expected to be but HIM! He can always act like this and we just… We just… O-Ohhh…”

Suddenly the smaller turtle became limp, hiccupping as he wept and were it not for Donnie holding him up he would have collapsed to the ground.

Leo felt like his chest was going to explode… His breathing was ragged, his head dizzy with everything that had happened today and last night and, and… And it was all RAPH’S FAULT!

He spun, his eyes narrowed and gleaming as he glared at the fallen turtle. “LOOK! Just LOOK WHAT YOU DID!”

Raph spat some blood out of his mouth, his body aching and bleeding from many of his newly reopened wounds. Mikey hadn’t hit him too hard maintaining enough control, even in his fit, to not do too much damage but still… His point had been made. **_Mikey…_**

Part of him wanted to be angry with Leo, part of him wanted to scream back that he was the one beaten and bleeding on the ground but he knew… Had Mikey not stopped him it would have been Leo lying here instead. Leo, the turtle he both hated and, and adored. The brother he envied, lusted for, longed for... The turtle that waited up for him, that used to always come after him, protect him, teach him and, and he just felt emptiness take over his rage.

Leo blinked, Raph’s silence oddly more frustrating than his shouting because at least then he knew his brother heard him or, or _cared_. “_Well!?”_ He snapped but Raph didn’t even lift his head, he didn’t move at all just… Just sat there.

“Leave him Leo.” Donnie said quietly, leaning down and picking Mikey up before cradling him to his chest. “I, I am gonna go tape his knuckles, is that alright?”

The oldest brother sighed dejectedly. “Yeah, we… We are done for today.” He answered hollowly. “T-take care of him for me, will you Donnie?”

The other turtle smiled and nodded yet his sunny demeanor darkened as he peered over at Raph. “That is what family is for, isn’t it?” He said pointedly before turning and carrying Mikey away and then the silence in the dojo was deafening.

Raph didn’t even bother to wipe the blood from his chin, didn’t bother to stand he just sat there stewing in his misery and self-loathing.

**_Run, just run. Run away and they will all be better off for it! _**He told himself, his heart thundering fearfully in his chest at the thought.

_I don’t wanna be alone._

** _YES you do! They don’t need you and you don’t need them._ **

_I love them._

** _Yeah like some fucking sicko. Run before you do worse to Leo! You already can’t control yourself with him! He will hate you! He will be disgusted, shit… He already is, they all are._ **

_Leo… Guys I am sorry… I am sorry I am so twisted._

** _Too twisted, too twisted to be loved on any level. Run, run and be free of it…_ **

“Raph… I am sorry.”

Leo’s soft voice suddenly called to him and for the warring, raging, broken turtle it was like he was struck by lightning when he felt a gentle hand fall to his shoulder and he flinched at the contact.

Leo frowned as Raph shied away from him, his guilt soaring as he went to pull it away only to stop as Raph’s shaking hand quickly covered it and held him fast. “Don’t… Don’t let go, please.”

Such a drastic change in the larger turtle’s voice, where not moments ago he had been bellowing, his voice harsh and gravely now it sounded so, so soft, lost, meek even, and Leo felt his heart ache at the sound of it.

Leonardo crouched next to his brother, his hand tightening affectionately as he did so and he was pleased as Raph’s tear filled eyes found his. “You have such anger in you Raph.” Leo mused sadly, his heart breaking as a tear slipped down his brother’s face. “Such anger and, and I don’t know how to help you with any of it.”

The other youth sniffled but remained silent and Leo shook his head, why was he always so lost when it came to Raph? Donnie had his moments of chaos, he was far more sensitive than he led on and Mikey, well Mikey wore his emotions on his shell constantly. Everybody knew what was going on with that turtle no matter what was going on and Leo had to admit he was jealous of his openness but Raph…

Much like him Raph kept most of his thoughts to himself but, unlike his older brother, he would just light up like a firecracker unexpectedly and scream out a stream of hateful retorts all the while never actually saying what was really bothering him inside. It was one of the most torturous puzzles Leo had ever had to solve and it just seemed to get more volatile and difficult as time went.

But, but that was Raph wasn’t it? Just a big ball of fiery emotions and you just had to hope you were on the right side of them that day, and there were sides. One blazing and furious and the other, the other so fiercely passionate and protective of those he valued it was stunning really.

Raph had been the rock for the family just as many times as he had been its wrecking ball. He had held tight to them numerous times when they all broke down, he was the one that fought the hardest for them, that shielded them when they were hurt, that picked them up when they felt they couldn’t go on…

So yes, he was _difficult,_ he was _wild_ at times but he was also warm, loving, and set in his seemingly self-imposed promise to keep his family safe… Now, if only he could keep that promise when it came to them and his _storms_…

“You alright, Leo?”

The older turtle blinked, surprised and a little embarrassed when he realized he had been staring at Raph intently the entire time he had been thinking. He chuckled anxiously, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly as he nodded. “Yeah, sorry. I just didn’t really sleep…”

Raph nodded slowly, his eyes dropping to the floor guiltily. “Cause uh me.”

Leo opened his mouth a prepared denial right at the tip of his tongue but instead he shrugged and smiled. “Yeah, you… You really had me worried Raph. I always worry for you when you run off.” He looked at the door to the dojo, his eyes skirting across the fallen punching bag, and then to the broken wall. “Actually, I am surprised you didn’t just run off today.”

“I want to.” Raph admitted, his voice thick with emotion and Leo frowned, tilting his head curiously at his brother.

“So what kept you from running?”

“You.” The answer was out before Raph even taken a breath and his face suddenly blazed a bright red and he lowered it to hide his embarrassment. **_What the FUCK did I just say!?_**

Leo felt an odd skip in his heart at his brother’s admission. “Me? Wh-what do you…” That warm fluttery feeling in his heart quickly flattened as he saw his brother’s body language change, the other turtle’s large muscles contracting under his hand and he knew whatever was going to come out next was a lie.

“Well what ya said earlier, ya know. How, how I always am running… That shit.”

**_Ok, not a complete lie but maybe not the complete truth either. I… I wonder what he really means though. _**Leo pondered silently, not sure _why_ he wanted to know so badly. Maybe it was because if, if it had something to do with him, if he somehow did something to help calm his _storms_ then maybe he could do it again?

“Raph, look at me?” He asked, his voice far steadier than his rapid heartbeat and as Raph flinched under him again he was afraid his brother wouldn’t do it but, but it seemed today was a day full of surprises. He smiled as Raph turned to him, the storm so clear in the other turtle’s eyes yet, yet there was something else, something desperate to come to light, to be revealed, noticed, seen…

“Hey.” Leo said softly, his heart soaring as just a corner of his brother’s mouth lifted giving him a cocky yet endearing lopsided smile.

“Hey…” Raph repeated, feeling far more at peace than he had all day and for a moment they just sat there quietly enjoying the moment but, but then he sighed. **_I screwed up… Again._**

The ever present weight of guilt was hanging too heavily on his shoulders to enjoy the peace and his smile vanished as he cleared his throat. “I, I am sorry Leo. For, for today, for last night… Shit, for the last few weeks…”

Leo nodded. “What has been going on with you Raphie? Why, why don’t you let me in anymore?”

Raph felt his throat tighten, he loved when Leo called him that stupid nickname. It was, was like Leo’s and Leo’s alone to give to him, it was special and he wished he could hear it, just like this, for the rest of his life.

“I, I am sorry Leo… I just, sometimes I can’t control shit and… And I just keep hurting all of ya.” He admitted, his eyes dropping to the floor. “I hate that I hurt you guys, I h-hate it so f-fucking much…”

“Then stop.”

Raph blinked, his eyes lifting to Leo’s to check if the older turtle was joking but all he found was a calm smile on his face. “It, it ain’t that easy, Leo. It ain’t like I got some damn switch I can just flip…”

“You calmed it today, yeah? You didn’t leave.” Leo insisted, moving closer to his brother in his excitement and Raph again cleared his throat as the other turtle’s scent filled his nose.

**_Shit, shit… _**“Y-Yeah but, but that was just cause of… Umm…” He stuttered, his heart hammering as Leo smiled so brightly up at him.

“Me right? Well, well let me know Raph! I wanna help! I, I miss helping you!” Leo exclaimed, his eyes so large and hopeful looking…

** _Oh my god… Leo, he… God he smells so fucking good and his eyes… Shit, they have little sprinkles of gold in um, I ain’t never noticed that befo… NO! No focus! Wait… Shit, what did he say?_ **

“Uhhh, Leo… I, what?” He struggled to find words but it seemed the closer his brother got to him the dumber he became. Leo laughed, laughed and it was soft, and warm, and so fucking sexy sounding.

“I said, what can I do to help yo…”

-So yeah, fate is a fucked up thing and it just needles its way into everybody’s problems and just makes um worse and then, this shit happens…-

Raph heard a gasp before his weary, hazy brain finally caught up to what had happened and that was when he noticed how warm his lips felt. **_Wh-what the…_**

He creaked open the eyes he didn’t remember closing just to find himself staring into Leo’s bulging ones and suddenly felt like he was going to vomit. **_Oh fuck, I am kissing him! _**Yes, he was going to vomit all over the brother he was terrifying by kissing him like some uncontrollable animal and… And yet, he didn’t vomit.

He didn’t vomit, he didn’t run off screaming and oddly, neither did Leo. **_Huh…_**

They didn’t move, both staring wide eyed at each other but nobody ran, nobody hollered or yelled and then, just to add to his growing list of stupid choices, Raph felt his tongue slip out from his lips and nudge Leo’s gently. **_Sure, why not add more shit to this pile! Great idea you fucking idiot! Just ride the whole way down to hell in one go!_**

It was awkward, Leo not moving an inch and he was just about to pull away when he felt his brother’s mouth open, just the tiniest of bits but it was enough to slip inside and honestly… Raph couldn’t have stopped himself from entering if he had tried… Which he absolutely did, btw, but to no avail… Yeaaaah…

**_Oh shit! Oh shit I, we… I am kissing him! I… My tongue is in… Oh fuuuuuck, he tastes good. _**Perhaps there _was_ some sort of switch, a… A _Leo_ switch because the moment he let himself enjoy it, once he allowed himself to relax Raph felt like the whole damn world was singing just for them.

His eyes closed, his head tilting to get better access and their kiss was suddenly so much deeper! **_I can’t believe it! What the fuck am I doing!? What are WE doing! Arrrgh… But it feels so, so gooood!_**

Just as his brother was whirling in shock at what was happening Leo was locked in his own chaos.

** _Raph he, he kissed me! He IS kissing me! What do I do!? Do, do I stop him? Do I step away? I… I don’t know… Oh NO! My mouth opened! I, I didn’t mean to! I… Craaaap!_ **

For all of their arguing, for all of the confusion that coursed through their young minds neither of the brothers pulled away and soon both of them were breathing raggedly, and the air was filled with a luscious slapping sound every time they twirled their tongues together…

“Unnnn… Leooo…” Raph couldn’t help but moan, he had dreamt of this so many times, thought of it and to finally have it happening, _shit_ if it wasn’t a hundred times more amazing than he could have ever imagined and he… He wanted _more_!

** _No, no go slow! Don’t, don’t fuck it up! This is nice, this is enough, this is… Uhhhh, I am so hot right now._ **

Leo’s eyes sprung open at his brother’s moan, his heart freezing and reality came back to him painfully quick. **_I… We can’t! _**A simple frantic thought and he ripped himself away and then, the magic was broken.

Raph whimpered, actually fucking whimpered as Leo scrambled away from him and he had to fight from crawling after him. **_Awww, shit… I fucked up, didn’t I?_**

Leo could hardly catch his breath, his body was trembling and sticky and… “I… Ohh, why… Why did I do it again?” He whined, more to himself than his brother as he turned and began to stand. **_This, this is fine, fine! We, we will just ignore it and, and I… I just need sleep, yeah, sleep and then maybe a jog…_**

“Again?” Raph asked, his voice low with need and confusion.

Leo blanched, his mind rolling through what he had just said and he cursed himself six ways to Sunday for the slip. “I… Well you see this, this morning…” He started, his back still turned from Raph but he knew his brother was standing as well. **_Arrrgh, just tell him! Just confess and… Ohh, I can taste the blood from his lip in my mouth… Arrrgh, what!?_**

A wall of warmth suddenly covered his shell and Leo felt like all the moisture in his mouth had evaporated in an instant.

“This morning? You mean, on the floor?” Raph inquired, his voice husky, heated…

“Uhh yeah…” Leo croaked out wishing he had some water or… Or something! **_When, when did it get so hot in here?_**

“You, well you were sleeping and you kissed me.” He continued dryly, yet was disappointed when he felt Raph step away from him.

“Oh yeah, s-sorry.” All of the heat was gone from his brother’s voice and only guilt remained.

Leo heard the shuffle of feet, his heart hammering as his own guilt soared and he spun around just before Raphael left. “But I kissed you back!” He exclaimed, _stupidly_ and yet he felt a wave of relief when Raph halted his escape.

“Y-you _did_?” The larger turtle asked, his voice hesitant and Leo swallowed the glass in his throat before nodding.

“I, Yeah… I, I didn’t mean for it…” In three long strides Raph was in front of him, his younger brother’s eyes fiery and predatory looking and Leo wondered if he had just made a very bad mistake.

He began to back up, his hands going out in front of him as he tried to ease the larger turtle’s advance. “Now, now wait a minute Raph. We should talk about…”

“No talking…” Was all Raph growled before his hands reached out, grabbed Leo by the waist and pulled him in close. “Leooo…” He moaned, pressing his lips against his brother’s again but this time he didn’t hesitate, nor give Leo a second and his tongue immediately took possession of his mouth.

“Mmmmmh!” A puff of air escaped Leo as Raph pushed him up against the far wall of the dojo, his shell knocking into a display of kendo swords yet the other turtle didn’t even notice or if he did he certainly didn’t seem to care.

Leo pulled his head back, lifting hip lips out of reach of his brother as he gasped for air. “Uhh, R-Raph wait! We, we need to s-slow down... Unnnn!” He shivered as instead of stopping like he had thought the other youth would, Raph now attacked his throat, licking and nipping along the muscle there like a starving man.

“Ohhh, Leo… I… I have wanted this, wanted_ you_ for soooo long!” Raph groaned against the soft flesh under him, his hands roaming all over the smaller turtle delighting in the little gasps and whines that came from his brother.

“_WH-what_!?” Leo choked out, his body trying to wiggle out of his brother’s hold but Raph was relentless and wild and clung to him madly. “R-Raph I… I did kiss you back but that doesn’t mean… Ahhhh!” Shock rippling through him as his brother’s course fingers rubbed along his plastron, bumping over every section teasingly before moving lower and lower as Leo’s panic grew higher and higher.

Raph was oblivious to it all. “Wanted you! Wanted this! Unnn fuuuck, Leo! You smell soo good! You taste soo good!”

Leo was panting now but not necessarily out of passion but fear. “R-Raph, Raph please, please stop! I, I don’t know about this!” **_Why, why isn’t he listening!? Well, he doesn’t listen about many things but I would have thought THIS would be something he would control himself over!_**

Raph felt high, his body thrumming with energy and heat, he couldn’t think, couldn’t understand anything anymore except, he had him! He had Leo under his hands _finally_, after countless nights of waking alone hard and aching, after countless days of watching him stretch and move, sweat, fight, eat, drink whatever! Finally he was HIS and his alo…

“RAPH STOP! PLEASE!?”

There was something in Leo’s voice then that struck a chord in Raph’s heat addled mind and just for a moment the haze cleared and he looked up, confusion overtaking his need when he found his brother crying? **_What, why is he crying? I, I thought with the noises and…_**

“GET THE HELL OFF OF HIM!” Was all Raph heard when a strong and angry hand grabbed his shoulder and suddenly he was ripped backwards.

“Ahhhh!” Whomever had thrown him apparently was furious enough to lend them some fucking insane strength to the toss because not only did he slam against the floor about ten feet away from Leo, but continued to tumble and roll until finally crashing into the wall all the way on the other side of the room.

Swords and equipment were shaken from their racks and Raph curled into a ball as they rained down on him, some cutting shallow gashes into his arms and legs while other just bounced uselessly off his shell.

When the deadly storm of steel ended Raphael groaned, carefully unfurling himself from his pile of death and when he looked up he found a seething Donatello standing over Leo’s crumbled, crying form.

“You, you MONSTER! Was the earlier chaos not enough for you!? HUH!? Now you gotta go and nearly RAPE LEO!?” He screamed, every word burning like fire in Raph’s heart.

**_Rape, I… I wasn’t gonna rape him! I… I wasn’t doing that… Right? _**He thought desperately but as he looked over his older brother, the red eyes, the tear stains, and shaking hands something broke inside him.

“D-Donnie w-wait..” Leo stammered between sobs but the Donnie wasn’t having it.

“NO! No Leo! You have stood up for him and his INSANE antics way too often! This, this is BULLSHIT!”

“I, I wasn’t… I didn’t…” Raph started, his mouth dry, his frame burning and his rage, rage at _himself _strangling him. **_I didn’t, I didn’t wanna… I just, I thought… I… Fuck… FUCK… FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!_**

“You are sick Raph, you are not right!” Donnie told him, his younger brother’s voice cracking as he said it but his eyes were as hard as stone. “You, you need to go.”

And there it was.

There it was, the fear that had haunted Raph for years, ever since his anger started getting the best of him, ever since he began drowning in his _storms, _and they just got stronger, and stronger… They had finally had enough, his family was finally kicking him out.

“Donnie w-wait.” Leo insisted, using the wall to help lift himself to his shaking legs. This was getting too out of control and he needed to take the lead, like he always did. “He… Things just got a little out of hand…”

“You call THAT a little out of HAND!” Donnie screeched, his usual calm demeanor shattering as his anger grew. “That… That… I came in here and you were SOBBING LEO! Sobbing, shoved up against a wall while he, he GROPED you, and you were begging, BEGGING him to stop! Not once but a few times!”

“I know,” Leo said quietly, unable to meet Raph’s eyes at the moment because he, he couldn’t see what Donnie’s words were doing to him, even if it they were the truth. “He… Raph was just overwhelmed, but he stopped…”

“HE STOPPED BECAUSE I STOPPED HIM LEO! I DID THAT! NOT HIM!” Donatello shook his head, his heart thundering against his rib cage as he raked his hands over his skull in shock. “I, I can’t believe you are defending him!”

Leo opened his mouth, wanting to say something in Raph’s defense, wanting to somehow make sense of what happened or brush it all aside as nothing major but, but could he really do that? Was it fair to Donnie and Mikey, was it fair to _himself?_

Yes he had told Raph he kissed him back but that, by no means, should have given him permission to… To take things any further… Right?

There was a clang of metal on metal, thuds of pommels falling to the floor and then a broken whisper. “I am sorry, I will… Donnie is right, I…”

Leo looked up as footsteps sounded, his breath short and fast as Raph walked stiffly out of the room and he started after him. “W-wait…”

“Let him go!” Donnie insisted, jumping in his path and Leo almost growled at him except, except he finally had a chance to see how sad the other turtle looked, how destroyed and his heart ached at the sight of it.

“Donnie…”

“Let him g-go Leo. Let him c-cool down and really think about what it means to be in this family. He, he needs to th-think cause, cause if I ever s-see h-him do that to _you_ or a-anyone a-agai… Ohhh, m-mannn.” Donatello couldn’t finish, his emotions had already been strung too tight and with everything that had happened earlier and then this he just felt… Felt so lost.

Leo caught him as his legs went out, slowly lowering them to the floor as he let his younger brother cry in his arms. “Shhh, it is ok, I have you… Shhh.”

“I, I s-sent him a-away. I s-sent my b-big brother a-awa…”

Leo nodded against his shoulder, holding the weeping youth tighter as he did so. “I know, I know but you are right, maybe he needs some air, some time.”

Donnie’s head tilted up, his eyes bright red and watery. “Wh-what if he doesn’t c-come back? Leo… What if he s-stays away!?”

For just a second Leo couldn’t speak, his brother’s worry echoing his own screaming fears but he forced himself to smile down at him. “Come on Donnie, this is Raph we are talking about! How many times has he run off, even when he disappears for three or four days… He always comes back to us.”

Donnie blinked up at him, his eyes wide with fear but a little bit of hope was there too now. “Y-you think so?” He asked, his voice small and Leo couldn’t help but remind himself how truly young they all were, especially when stuff fell apart.

“Yeah. He will come back, I am sure of it… He always comes back.” He said, his voice steady and strong but the moment Donatello lowered his head and snuggled into his chest his facade of stoicism faded and his face mirrored the agony and fear in his heart.

** _You gotta come back Raphael… Please, please come back. Cool down, breathe, do whatever you need to but come home so we can talk about things… Please…_ **

** _We need you… I need you._ **


	3. Monsters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! So, here we get a bit darker... I have warned such and this is only the third chapter but we also get to see an underlying threat... Or another one...  
Poor turtles... So an emotional roller-coaster starts I again warn that this is a more adult/ dark themed story and thank anyone for comments or kudos thus far. Truly, they help so much...  
:)  
Annnd here, we, go....

He didn’t pack, he didn’t grab clothes, he didn’t find his weapons he just_ ran_.

The race to the surface was a blur for Raphael, he scrambled through their lair hardly seeing Mikey who was now sucking on an ice cream, his hands bandaged from earlier.

“R-Raph?”

He didn’t stop, didn’t speak, he just moved and as he did so all of Leo’s words, Mikey’s, and Donnie’s tore through him, torturing him with every stumbling step.

_“I have nothing left to give Raph, nothing. None of us do when it comes to you and it’s not like it would matter anyways because you would probably just insult us, or hit us and then run away like you always do! Well I for one am tired of being your darn punching bag, physically or verbally!”_

** _Leo I…_ **

_“I HATE YOU! I H-HATE HOW MEAN YOU ARE! WHY!? WHY DO YOU JUST HURT US! You, you are NOHING! Nothing but a MONSTER, just like SHREDDER!”_

** _Mikey I, I am not like h-him… Am I?_ **

_“You, You MONSTER! Was the earlier chaos not enough for you!? HUH!? Now you gotta go and nearly RAPE LEO!?”_

** _Donnie…Ohhh god… I am a monster._ **

Everything, everything that his brothers, his family had said to him _screamed_ at him tore through his mind, burned in his veins, and shattered whatever was left of his heart. **_What have I done?_**

He made it to the tunnels, New York’s stagnant stench burning his nostrils choking him but still he ran.

** _You are a monster._ **

He tripped, his ankle twisting as his knee splashed down into the filth and muck under him and he roared as he pushed himself back up, ignoring the pain that flared up his leg.

** _You are unhinged, you are wrong. Wrong inside…_ **

His heart was pounding, rushing the blood to his whirling mind so fast he felt dizzy and his vision tunneled and spotted… He knew what that meant…

A storm was brewing inside him.

He had only ever had a few storms occur in their completion out of the lair but normally he had his family there to help drag him away, help bring him down and back home.

No more.

No more family.

No more home.

No more Leo…

“AAAAARRRRRGH! FUUUUUCK!” His head was pounding, the pain splintering through his mind, working through his nerves and eating its way down his neck but he hardly felt it because at the same time the storm ate the pain, longed for it, fed off it and he felt stronger than ever, he felt invincible. He became empty of any emotion but rage during his storms, devoid of empathy or sense but where his rage was normally focused on someone else and they paid for it now…

Now all of it, all of his fury had only one victim, only one focus…

Him.

** _You are twisted…_ **

_I didn’t mean to!_

** _A wicked twisted monster…_ **

_Please, I… I didn’t…_

** _You hurt them all today, all of them. They hate you and you deserve their hate, you deserve to hurt._ **

_I… I…_

** _You are broken, broken, and useless. All you know is how to bring pain, give pain, take pain… Pain is your life! Feed off of it! Thrive and soon you could be as strong as Shredder._ **

_I don’t want to be like him!_

** _You aren’t… You are WORSE._ **

“OHHHHH GOD!” Raphael fell again, his body tumbling to the wet ground, rolling through the waste and it covered him, soak into him and now he was just disgusting on the outside as the inside. A sob erupted from him but it quickly devolved into a savage cry and his heart, his rage cheered at the comfort that gave him.

**_NO! No! I can’t, I can’t fall to that! I… I have no one to h-help… Ohhh… _**He picked himself up, his hands shaking as he fought the darkness, the storm and forced himself to focus on survival.

He couldn’t rely on his demons for survival, not… Not without causing more pain, more agony… **_Just, just make it to the hideout, make it to one of my hideouts and… And break there! Break there, not here, not so close otherwise I might turn back and beg them to…_**

A glitter in the darkness of the tunnel, the ladder! He pushed himself up, his ankle screaming and muscles tight as he slipped through the sludge and began the long climb upwards just to push the grate aside and almost fall off the ladder as blinding sunlight whited out his vision.

** _Arrrgh, shit… It, it is daytime and I have no clothes, I have no cover I have… I HAVE FUCKING NOTHING and, and it is all MY FAUUUULT!_ **

**_ ARRRRRRR FUCK IT! _**He growled as he slid the heavy disc aside, his rage leading him as fear ate at his heart and he crawled out of the stinking hole up into the bright alley above. **_Please, please let me just get away! Let this shitty nightmare end!_**

Fate was always against him…

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MONSTER!”

Raph flinched as a wailing screech came from one end of the alley, his eyes skirting to where a group of girls probably around his age were bundled together smoking all of them now staring at him in abject horror as their screams split the air.

**_Shit! _**He stumbled back; his filthy form knocking into some trash cans, his desperation making him clumsy before he sprinted to the closest fire escape and jumped for it.

“WHAT IS THAT!?”

“A FREAK!”

“CALL THE COPS!”

** _Nooo, no please… I don’t mean to look like this… DAMNIT! IT ISN’T MY FAAAULT!_ **

There screams followed him the whole way, and maybe other voices joined it but he couldn’t be certain because his heart was thumping so loudly in his head it seemed to overtake everything.

**_Just move! Don’t stop! Just run! _**His eyes burned, welling with tears that just hindered his already slippery, frantic climb. **_D-Damnit! Damnit all! Don’t fucking cry! Don’t c-cry like some damn pussy! YOU DID THIS!_**

Finally he reached the top of the building, his legs almost collapsing under him when he stepped over the ledge his lungs desperately heaving to pull in more precious oxygen each gasp sounding far too much like sobs and still he pushed on. **_Can’t stop! Too much light, too many people! They can’t see me, they can’t see the m-monster… F-fucking m-monster…_**

Muscle memory kept him going at this point, his body flying over the rooftops, along fire escapes… He did fall, too many times for a teen with training like his but he could berate himself for it later, he could destroy himself later!

Finally, after what seemed to be eons of a tragic pain ridden escape he found the broken building he was looking for, the shattered hideaway he had run to so many times and he sobbed at the sight of it! **_Safe… Safe there! Just a little further… Just a bit…_**

He scaled down the side of the building in front of it, his limbs shaking terribly and just as he was about to reach the ground his sprained ankle gave out and he suddenly found himself tipping forwards before freefalling for the last fifteen feet of the journey. **_NOOO!_**

He tried to turn, tried to maneuver his flailing body so he would land on his shell but all he ended up doing was angling himself perfectly so that when he hit the ground his shoulder cracked under him right before his head hit the ground white light and spots filling his vision as he fought immediately vomiting from the pain.

“Uhhhh… F-Fuuu…” Warm liquid was slowly encircling his skull, the blood warm compared to the crisp autumn air and the broken Hamato brother found himself smiling stupidly for its heat. **_Like, like b-blood p-pillow… _**

Somewhere in the back of his battered, fuzzy mind he knew that wasn’t something he should be joking about, somewhere he knew he probably had a mild concussion but after running so hard for so long he felt actually pretty good.

He laid there on the alley floor uncaring that he was right out in the middle of everything, out in broad daylight where anyone could see him and just caught his breath. **_Mmm tired… Dinna sleep… Never sleep no m-more… Not since… Ohhhh, L-Leo… Ohhhh…_**

Tears fell from his eyes, the glittering liquid quickly mixing with the pool of blood under him and he tried to stop them, tried to keep the sobs in but he was so hurt… He was hurt, alone, and he had nowhere to go but the empty ruins just feet away…

His new home.

“Nnnnnngnnn…” A broken moan pulled from his raw throat and he curled into himself, placing his shaking hands over his eyes as he shattered inside.

He had wanted to break somewhere he could hide, somewhere in the dark but, like everything else these days, fate just needed to continually kick him in the face and it happened right there, right out in the open and all he could do was hold himself as everything he had done, all the words his family had said to him ripped through his aching mind and he crumbled under the weight.

** _I’m sorry… I am sorry, sorry, sorry, sorrysorrysorry! NNNNnnnnnnaaaa… Dinna mena ta… Never wanted to hurt… Ohhhhhh, help… Help me. S-someone p-please…_ **

“Pleeeease, don wanna be alone…” He whispered into his palms yet no one answered, no one came for him, no one heard his mournful plea because the only ones in this whole wretched world that would have cared, who would have helped him, who HAD helped him, loved him, taught him, held him he… He…

** _L-Leo… Please… It hurts… I am so s-sorry, so sorry…. Please come find me? Please…_ **

“Please… I l-love you so… So f-fucking m-much…” Was the last of his pathetic whispers as the world faded away and the bliss of darkness took him; a darkness where he could see his love there smiling, laughing, loving him and in a way, he hoped he wouldn’t wake this time.

He wanted to stay in his dreams because there he never fucked up, he never hurt anyone, and he could hold Leo close to him for eternity and Leo always, _always_ held him back just as tightly.

…………………….

_Tick._

_.._

_Tick._

_…_

_Tick._

_…._

_Tick…_

Once more the eldest Hamato brother found himself sitting at the kitchen table, the irritating click of the clock mocking him as it moved so slowly and yet far too quickly at the same time.

** _Raph…_ **

Hours, how many now… Two, four, six… He was now working on the eighth hour of waiting for his brother to return and he wondered why he was even waiting. Considering the level of chaos Raph had run from he knew this was going to be a longer escape, it would be at least two days, maybe even four but… But he couldn’t help himself so_ here_ he was sitting alone in their dark kitchen hoping against hope that his brother would come stumbling in and he didn’t care what kind of shape the idiot was in he just…

He just wanted him home!

** _I, I should go looking for him. I know he needs time but, but considering why he ran… This is bigger than the other times and he might just…_ **

Leo’s shut his eyes, his hands rubbing them roughly as he fought the urge to go racing after Raph, like always. He was exhausted, today had been like a never-ending nightmare.

Donnie had been a mess the rest of the day, blaming himself for sending Raph off and locking himself away in his room after a time.

Mikey was at a loss, trying desperately to lighten up the mood with jokes or encouraging words because the poor turtle didn’t even know what had really sent Raph away this time. He just thought this was a normal_ storm_ for his older brother not… Not that Raph and Leo had…

Leo sighed, his eyes peeking at the clock again and he frowned as he realized only three minutes had passed from the last time he checked. **_Raph… I… How long, how long have you been struggling with these feelings? You said you had wanted to… To…_**

He swallowed hard, his heart thumping loudly as he ran through what his brother had said to him, what he had confessed and honestly, Leo didn’t know what to make of any of it.

Raph wanted _him_!? Him the stuffy, rule oriented, strict, boring brother… Shit, half the time he didn’t even think the larger turtle liked him much less _liked_ him! Sure they had been close as kids but over the last few years and with Splinter choosing him as the next in line Raphael’s patience with him had seemed to all but evaporated into nothing, nothing but very few moments where they could share that secret smile and, and then it was back to arguing.

His fingers went to his lips unconsciously, rubbing along them as he remembered their kiss. **_I kissed him back… What does that say about, about my part in all of this?_**

That was nearly as unnerving as Raph’s confession, that he had let Raph kiss him not once but twice… What did it mean? What did he feel about his brother? Yes he loved him but did he _love _him? Crap, did he even know how to recognize that kind of love?

Love on an intimate level had been something he had pushed aside as a possibility long ago, he knew it would be impossible for mutants like them to ever find a partner. He had thought that realization would have been clear for his brothers also but evidently he had been wrong and, and maybe not just about them but _himself._

Did he long to be loved, loved on a deeper level than family and friends?

A smile came across his face as he recalled how warm their kiss had been. It had been unsure and yet surprisingly _wonderful_ all the same. His heart had fluttered like it never had before, his stomached had flipped but in a good way and, and he had to admit, it had felt good… Before it became scary, at least.

He leaned forwards in his chair, his lower shell scratching against the wood at the back of the chair as his chin rested on his hands and he stared at the wall across from him thoughtfully, why_ had _the kisses been terrifying?

Was it because they were brothers? No one actually_ knew_ if they were blood brothers, they had been found at the science lab caged together but they were all different ages so… Who knew? BUT, they _had_ been raised that way so, maybe that was it?

Or, or was it because they were both male? He had never had a problem with the idea of homosexuality if anything he figured if you were lucky enough to be human and find someone you loved, who cared what they looked like or what sex they were so…

So if it wasn’t that they were ‘brothers’ or that they were male then, then _what_?

**_His rage sometimes… Yeah, that scares me. _**It was true he could handle Raph’s storms better than most but that didn’t mean he liked to. Out of all of them it was normally him that got torn into from his brother most and he had learned to deal with it over the years but, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

They had once been a team like no other, both of them the elder brothers so they had worked together to help their younger siblings.learn and protect them… He had once relied on no one like he had Raph and now, now they hardly spoke so this attraction thing was just, exceptionally _unexpected_.

“I thought that you, you _hated_ me...” Leo whispered to no one, his arms curling on the rough surface of the table before he laid his head wearily on top of them and glanced at the clock once more. **_Almost time for patrols… I hate doing it without him, we are always so much weaker and less organized…_**

It was as true as it was surprising; for all the chaos Raph wrought at home when they were out there, when they were fighting he was like a completely different turtle. He thrived in battle, could keep them all together better than Leo had ever been able to well, until he got pissed off and then all hell broke loose, but_ until_ then…

“Hey Leo.” A sad voice cut through his thoughts suddenly and the eldest turtle cursed himself for being caught unawares for the second time that day. **_Darn it, this whole thing really has me rattled. I need to be better than this._**

Leonardo lifted his head off his arms and turned to find his two younger brothers somberly standing in front of the kitchen, their gear ready and weapons packed.

“We still going out?” Mikey asked, his eyes searching around just in case Raph had somehow returned without him knowing and Leo felt his heart drop at the disappointed sigh that came afterwards.

“Yeah, we are going out.” He said with a forced smile before lifting his twin sheaths from where they had been leaning against Raph’s chair and strapped them in place.

Donnie looked at him oddly for a minute before his eyes dropped to the floor. “Umm, where we scouting tonight?” He asked, his voice hinting at something and the older turtle’s fake smile turned warm as he realized what his brother was hoping for.

**_He wants to go searching for Raph in his hideaways. Donnie, I love you. _**Raph had hideouts all through the city but most of them were near the southern portion of the city because he loved the sound of the ocean. Leo knew where most of the places Raph ran to were, mostly from having to collect him so often in his youth but also from the few times he had snuck out to find him without Raph or his father knowing; those times when even Splinter had told him to let Raph be but he had followed anyways.

He would follow quietly, Raph’s rage normally blinding him from too much than immediate threats anyways, and make sure his brother at least got there safely before leaving but… But there had been a few times he had stayed and watched bad storms play out.

Apparently he enjoyed torturing himself.

He remembered many times where Raph would scream, scream wildly, savagely as he took his fury out on the ruined building around him. He would throw the rotted furniture, smash his fists into walls, break anything he could and at the end just stand there heaving in the center of his destruction and then, then the break would happen and he would crumble.

Watching Raph’s breaks in his storms was always worse for Leo than being on the other end of his fists and when Raph would fall to his knees, ragged moans and pleas ripping from his throat as he held himself and shook the elder turtle would just sit in his dark space and weep with his brother.

He didn’t know what haunted Raph, why he had so little control over his emotions or anger but he hated to see the larger turtle just so lost in his own mind and heart and no one, NO ONE knew how to help him.

In many ways Raph always felt like Leo’s greatest failure. He was the older brother, he was the leader of their team and yet he was just as lost as everyone else when it came to calming his younger brother's chaos, even more so after today.

** _Raph… Is that why you haven’t let me in? Is that why you have pushed me away so much recently because, because you have feelings for me? Damnit… I don’t, I don’t know how to… I have so many questions!_ **

“Ummm, Leo?”

Leonardo jerked as Donatello gently placed a hand on his shoulder, ripping him from his fears and memories and he looked up to find both Mikey and Donnie peering at him worriedly.

“I… I am sorry.” He said flashing them a bright smile before he nodded at Donnie. “Well I was thinking checking out the eastside first and then… Then perhaps moving _south_, what do you think?”

Immediately Donatello’s face lit up and eagerly nodded yet a flicker of hesitation did cross his eyes as he continued to peer at Leo. “Yeah I mean, as long as _you_ are alright with it.”

Leo chuckled moving closer to his brother and placing a hand on his shoulder as he nodded. “I am alright with it Donatello, supposed to be some bad storms coming soon anyways and we don’t need any more of us getting sick.”

He had meant it as a joke but it fell flat as all the brothers quickly thought of Splinter and Leo sighed miserably in defeat. **_I really need to work on my timing…_**

“Alright turtles.” He said clearly, pulling them all out of their misery with his strict no-nonsense tone. “There are only three of us so we really need to be on top of things, no distractions, no mistakes got it? We stay together and fight as one.”

Both brothers bowed in response and Leo smiled, ignoring the ache in his heart at the sight of only two brothers in front of him as he turned and started towards the exit, stopping just for a moment to grab Raph’s sais on the way out. **_Fool didn’t even take his weapons… Baka!_**

He really wanted to head to the south end of the city first and hopefully drag Raphael back but there was a lot of things he needed to think about before he faced his brother again.

What was he going to say about what happened? Was he ready to forgive Raph for acting so rashly, could he trust him to not do so again? How did he feel about his brother, how did he feel about ANY of it?

**_We will head to the eastside first and scout the area. I, I will hopefully come up with some of these answers along the way but, I just hope we find him in time before he does something stupid…_**

As much as he prayed his brother wouldn’t be foolish, wouldn’t place himself in a ridiculous situation he had known the turtle for eighteen years and he knew that with Raph always came complications, some easy and others…

** _Others that rip your heart from your chest and make you question everything you are and he is and… Arrrgh! You had better be ok Raph… Please, please be ok… _ **

…………………..

At the moment the second oldest Hamato brother was doing _very_ well…

In his dreams at least.

_“Raaaph…”_

** _Unnn… What? _ ** _Raphael opened his eyes, blinking away the light from the candles that surrounded him and scanned around him in confusion. **Was, was that who I think it is?**_

_“Hey sleepy, about time you woke up.”_

_He moved his head, his narrowed eyes searching until he found the source of the gentle voice and, as always, felt his breath stick in his chest as Leonardo’s lithe form filled his vision._

_“Leo…”_

_That laugh, the laugh Raph loved, longed for filled the air and he couldn’t help but smile with it. **It, it is like freaking music I swear…**_

_He watched in a sort of mystified haze as Leo’s muscular form started towards him, his light green skin shimmering as if it was covered in diamonds and Raph frowned in confusion. **Is he wet? Why…**_

_He went to sit up and immediately heard a slosh of water just to look down and find he was lounging in a glittering dark pool of water, only his head and the top of his torso were sticking out of the steaming liquid. **Oh shit… We are in a bath of sorts.**_

_The bath appeared to be outside and natural as grass and stone surrounded the outer rim and he leaned his head back to find a stunning night sky above him. Comets brightly streaked across the inky black and purple cosmos and a smile fell across his face as he turned from the glory of the heavens back to something even more awe inspiring that was slowly wading in towards him…_

** _Leo… Fuck he… He looks like a damn God._ **

_His brother was smiling as he approached, his glittering skin flickering with the orange candle light around them until he began to lower himself over Raph’s prone body. “Hey…”_

_“H-Hey.” Raph stuttered out stupidly and his brother graced him with another laugh as he settled next to him, his hands roaming along his quickly heating plastron under the sparkling waves._

_“How articulate of you.” His brother mocked playfully as his beak rose nuzzling against the crook of his neck affectionately before he began to lightly kiss along Raph’s throat._

_“Unnnn… F-fuck y-you.” Raph stammered his body leaning into the soft hand that rubbed along it. **How are his hands always so damn soft after holding a sword for so long?**_

_“Such words you say… Must you always be so crass?” Leo whispered against his ear slit and Raph could only moan in response as that wonderful hand slipped between his legs, his thick finger teasingly caressing the cartilage there and he felt his shaft quickly beginning to harden inside his tight sheath._

_“I want you.” Leo’s voice was gruff, demanding, and Raph melted under the force of it._

_“UNNNN!” Part of him feared he would just blow his load before he even came to full arousal but he gasped as his slit finally spread, the head of his thick member pushing through it slowly until Leo chuckled and he felt a pressure roll along the tip and his head fell back. “Uhhhh, f-fuuuck… L-Leo…”_

_“Yes Raph?” Leo asked curiously and he ran his smooth digit along the dripping hole at the top of Raph’s aching shaft._

_Raph growled, he loved when Leo played with him, made him beg… He would never beg for another but Leo, Leo was alright. He was safe with him, home with him, wanted, loved… _

_W-wasn’t he?_

_Raph’s arousal dwindled as an itch began to form at the back of his head, something unexpected, something that made him hesitate and a sliver of doubt slithered through his heart. **S-something… Something feels off…**_

_“Raph? Is something wrong?” Leo asked, his voice holding a slight tone of concern but he was still licking and nipping at his throat and now had his entire fist around Raph’s fully extended erection, slowly stroking it as the water sloshed from his movements._

_Raphael whimpered under the caress but, but he couldn’t focus on it like he WANTED to! That damn itch was growing more into a pain now and it was making him feel things, dark things, uncomfortable things. **Arrrgh, what the fuck!? Just ignore it! Look, look at what you have around you! Look at this beautiful freaking masterpiece of a creature next to you and focus on that!**_

_He turned to peer at Leo, the pain increasing even as he fought it but his brother just looked back at him with that same lustful gaze so…. _

_So why did he feel so weird!? Why did he feel so wrong, so… _

**~TwIsTeD!~**

_Raph jerked, his muscles tightening as a weird haunted voice rang out around him and he scanned around them desperately to find the source. **What, what the fuck was that!?**_

_“You alright Raphie?” Leo asked, his hand never letting go of his shaft but his voice did sound more concerned._

_“You, you didn’t hear that!?” Raph asked, his eyes still searching the woods that encircled the pool but he couldn’t find anything. **What was that voice? Why didn’t Leo hear it? It, it sounded dark and fucking evil.**_

_“Hear? Hear what?” Leo asked innocently._

**~tWiIIIIiiiiSteD fUuuuuUUcK! MmmmOooooOOOnsTer… SiCkSicKsICK!~**

_“THERE IT IS AGAIN!” Raph exclaimed, his head positively screaming now and he stood up from the pool in a spray of water and shaking limbs as he searched. _

_Leo frowned up at him. “Raph… You are scaring me. What do you mea…”_

_“SOMETHING IS OUT THERE LEO!” Raph spat as his head snapped back to his brother just to feel a wave of guilt crash over him as the smaller turtle shied away from him fearfully and his head pounded all the worse because of it. _

_“I, I mean… I am s-sorry…” He mumbled, his vison tunneling from the pain and fear. **Damnit, don’t scare him! What the fuck is wrong with you, HE isn’t the one saying those things to you, calm down and chill the fuck…**_

_“Are you going to hit me again?”_

_Raph froze, his eyes going wide as he looked down and realized his hands had turned to fists. “Wh-what… N-no, nooo. I, I didn’t mean to…”_

_Leo whimpered, his large sparkling eyes so innocent, so loving as he looked up at him. “It is alright Raphie, I know that is how you are. You can hit me, I understand.”_

_Raphael blanched, his legs stumbling back as tears fell from Leo’s eyes and his horror grew when the other turtle lifted his head higher as if, as if presenting it for a better target. _

_“What, what the FUCK, Leo!? I would never, I don’t…”_

_“You have, and you do.” His brother answered simply as he closed his eyes tighter. “But it is ok, if this is what you need from me or…” Leo’s crying eyes opened as he smiled sadly at Raph. “Or do you want something else?”_

_Raph felt sick as he watched Leo carefully shift, his body moving up to the edge of the pool before he bent over, resting his hands in the soft grass as he presented his hips to his brother and lifted his tail. “Is, is this what you need?”_

_Raph gaped at him, half of him aching to run over and take what was offered so freely but the other, the other heard the sobs, saw Leo’s body tremble not with lust but FEAR and he felt like acid was now running through his veins._

_“L-Leo, no… No I don’t want it unless…”_

_“It’s ok R-Raphael… If it helps y-you…” Leo’s wet face turned to him, his beautiful eyes red with tears and narrowed with fear and pain. “A-anything f-for y-you…”_

**~TWSiSteD FuCK! tAKe hIm! yOu wAnT It!~ **

_“NOOOOOO! NO! FUUUCK! Not like this! I, I ain’t no MONSTER!” Raph screamed to the darkness, his headache thundering and rage growing like wild fire. **I ain’t, I ain’t LIKE THAT! I AIN’T!**_

** _~~~ _ ** _“RAPH STOP! PLEASE!?” ~~~~_

_Leo’s voice suddenly rang out but the one in front of him had been silent and still was just smiling at him so sadly, so dejectedly…_

** _What the fuck? What the FUCK!? What is going on!? This ain’t never happened before so why…_ **

**~TAkE hIIIIIIIIIImmmm! hE wAAAAnTs IT! YoooOOu dOoO!~**

_There was a scream, pain ridden and hollow sounding when a tight warmth suddenly enveloped Raph’s shaft and he blinked down in confused terror as he found himself buried deep into his sobbing brother! **WHAT THE FUUUUCK!? NOOO!**_

_He tried to pull out, tried to scramble away but it was like his body was no longer his he had no control and each time he fought to get away he just slammed into Leo harder, and hArdeR, aNd HaRdEr!_

_“NOOOOO! RAPH PLEASE!? PLEASE STOOOOOP! IT HUUURTS!” Leo screamed, clawing at the grass madly as Raphael’s body continued to ravage him, his hands gripping so tightly the smaller turtle was bleeding…_

_“NOOOOO! NOOO, LEO! This isn’t ME! I DON’T…”_

_Leo turned to him, his eyes wide and filled with terror and it was there that Raph saw the fiery evil reflection of his own face and what he saw could only be called a demon._

_Red narrowed eyes, gleaming fangs from a wicked smile, and he was laughing, laughing as he raped his brother, tore into him, destroyed him, and a single words came from the beast…_

**~MIIiiiNnnnNNE!~**

**………………….**

“NOOOOO!” Raph screamed, his throat aching and head pulsing with agony as he rolled over and began to retch.

“Uhhhhcccck, aaaauuugh…” Acidic bile erupted from him, burning his throat and tongue but he had hardly anything in his stomach and it was really the dry heaves that sucked the most. They were awful as they forced all of the muscles in his body to contract and it just added to the level of pain he was in and the dizziness.

** _Unnn sh-shit… What… W-where am I? Why am I so c-cold?_ **

Once his retching eased and the world didn’t spin so much he slowly, carefully rolled back to his shell and lay there gasping as he tried to gather his wits about him. **_Feel… Painnn.. H-haard to tink… My head! Wait, r-rain?_**

His golden eyes creaked open, the fuzzy nauseating image eventually sorting itself into a less blurry picture when he realized that not only was he _not _in his room but it was night and, and raining. **_Mmm cold. R-raining… Not home, why nooo ho… Oh…_**

Wretched memories tore through his mind, shouts, screams, all of his brothers looking at him so, so brokenly and he remembered why he wasn’t home, why he was lying out in the cold, and why he deserved it all.

“F-fuuuck dissss…” He groaned, his speech slurred like he had drank a gallon of hard liquor as he tried to roll to his side and suddenly agony tore through his right shoulder and it felt like he was going to vomit all over again.

**_Arrrgh, s-shiit! Need, need da g-get in-insiiide… _**He carefully shifted, avoiding pressure on his shoulder as his head thundered but eventually, _incredibly _he got to his feet.

A stumble, a staggered step to the side and soon he was on his way towards the dilapidated building. **_Ress, rest there… Ugggh, my f-fucking brain is… Wait, wasss dat?_**

He had almost made it to the doorway of the abandoned building when a muffled cry came from the alley to his right and he heard the telltale shuffle of struggling.

**_Arrrgh, fuck… I-Ignore… Just, need sleep… Need res… Wait, das… Das a k-kid? _**His resolve broke as he heard a small voice cry out again, the child speaking a language that sounded slightly like Spanish so he didn’t know what it was saying, he could hardly speak Japanese or English fluently, yet he knew it sounded distressed.

**_Shiiit, a-aright p-peek dennn sleepy t-time… _**He shook his bleeding, pounding head as he stumbled down the alley to where the sounds were coming from all the while berating himself for even getting involved. He had no weapons, he had a concussion, his shoulder was definitely dislocated, and his ankle sprained… What the_ fuck_ could he do in such a state that would actually help the kid?

** _Shudd up… Kid… Kid in trouble… Gotsta h-help… _ **

He was amazed when he had made it to the end of the alley while still standing, yet his mouth was watering terribly in that _you are gonna vomit again _kind of way and he was panting BUT, he had made it!

Stifling another groan he lifted his head, his bleary eyes taking a moment to focus when he noticed that he was in a shipping yard of some sort. Long colorful containers filled the space before him, all of them going on for miles.

**_Shit, how mmmmmaa gonna find anny… anyding? _**He thought irritably, wondering if he should just do the _smart _fucking thing and turn around and go lay in a pile of self-misery until his head cleared when he heard another cry to his left.

**_D-dammn… I… I’m comminnnng… _**He shook he head again, his vison gratefully clearing just a little more and his steps becoming a little surer as time passed and soon he was able to at least walk swiftly, now if only his head would keep up!

He was just about to charge out from behind another container when he saw a mass of people and skidded to a halt. His feet slipped along the wet asphalt and he would have toppled to the ground if he hadn’t been trained his whole life to be a shadow and muscle memory saved him as he scrambled backwards and ducked next to the container.

**_What… What the fuck? _**His stomach flipped and his watering mouth became dry as he spotted dozens of Foot soldiers before him, each organized into lines as children walked or struggled between them.

** _What da hell are dey d-doing!? Are the g-gathernn kidsss and… No… No not kidzz, not all kidz…_ **

Even with his concussion, even with the agony that tore through his body Raphael knew what he was seeing was beyond a normal kidnapping and he gaped in horror and, and amazement as he realized the beings the troops were ushering through their ranks weren’t just children but also adults but… But that wasn’t the craziest part…

** _Holy shit… They m-mutannaets.. Mutenntent… FUCK! Dey like ME! _ **

There were small ones and larger ones; some were female, some male, some children, some adult but one thing was very clear none, NONE of them were completely human!

There were tiger hybrids; eagle, wolf, lion, bear, cougar, fox, just… Any type of predator and, and they were mutants! They were just like him, like his family but not quite as he spotted patches of human skin or human parts…

It was like they were only half mutated like something had gone wrong in the process, many far more human looking than animal and Raph found himself wondering if they had been animals at the start of their change or human.

His anger coiled heatedly in his stomach as he considered either of those possibilities but it was really how the poor mutants looked so broken, ruined, and mournful as they moved that bothered him the most.

They looked like fucking slaves.

They were scared, that Raph was certain of, and the collars that adorned their necks just amplified his horrific assessment of slavery and… His rage. **_F-fuck… What, arrrgh canna think! Foot, Foot making mutants? B-bastards!_**

“Such a pity, such a waste.”

A strange silvery voice floated over the storm that was building both in the sky and within Raphael’s heart and the turtle scanned those gathered to find the source yet couldn’t see much for the increasing rain fall and darkness. **_Who da fuck d-daat?_**

If only his head would clear, if only he could think he could straight, then he could…

Suddenly a human stepped out of the darkness its thin form covered in white shimmering attire as its long silver hair whipped about wildly in the wind and when it turned and its face was revealed Raphael wasn’t certain is it was a male or female he was looking at because… Because it seemed so perfect and smooth yet strangely masculine and its stance resonated strength.

**_Not nearly as stunning as Leo. _**The thought popped into Raphael’s head without a moment of hesitation, his hatred of the oddly pristine human growing until, until he noticed the long snake tail that snuck out of the bottom of the freak’s long white coat.

** _Half… Half s-snake but, h-human f-face, body… What da fuuu…_ **

"¡Déjame en paz!" That same weak voice that brought him here screamed out and Raph watched as a cheetah like child raged against the humans that surrounded it, his mother or perhaps just another adult mutant trying to still its cries when the silver snake-man sauntered up to them and Raph wished he had his weapons.

**_Don’t you h-hurt dem! You s-son of a b-beechhhh… _**He growled from behind his container yet the snake never attacked and if anything, he looked concerned. **_Huh…_**

The silver haired creature knelt before the wailing child, his body relaxed and peaceful as it spoke to him. “I am sorry little one but, but if we behave those we love won’t get hurt, yes?”

Raph and the child stared at the ‘man’ in shocked silence. **_Whad da fuuck… Who he, he werkinnnn feer…_**

The snake man suddenly straightened his back, his tongue flickering outside of his lips for a moment before he turned his head, his blazing purple eyes settling upon Raph’s shivering form and the turtle swallowed hard. **_Sh-shit…_**

“We seem to have company…” That silvery voice again rang through the yard and suddenly every foot soldier turned their attention to him and Raphael cursed inwardly.

** _Can dis day g-get any fucking w-worse?_ **

As the Foot soldiers turned in unison, all of them now facing the lone, half conscious, bleeding, weaponless turtle, the Hamato youth couldn’t help but chuckle darkly as they began to advance.

**_Yeah… Yeah it can… _**He thought with bitter amusement as he too fell to an unsteady battle stance desperately wishing he had his weapons or brothers with...

**_ARRRGH! I got this! I don need nobody! Fuck um… Fuck um all... _**He thought bitterly and with that, he lunged…


	4. Empty Prayers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EEEP! Thank you guys for your support! I love writing this story and have so much planned! This is a shorter chapter but I hope you enjoy. Sorry for errors and all that jazz!

** _Shit… This m-mighta been a mistake._ **

Raphael’s eyes narrowed against the rain, his battered form shivering in the bitter autumn air as he scanned blearily around him. There were at least twenty soldiers, three of them staying back to guard the captive mutants and snake-man while the other seventeen quickly formed a half circle around him.

He ground his chattering teeth together pushing past the pain and cold as he unconsciously went for his sais only to grunt in frustration when he discovered nothing but empty space. **_Fuck, lotsa… Lotsa guys, no weapons… _**

He widened his stance, pivoting on his toes as the troops moved ever closer. **_Just, just don’t tink, brain no good, body uhhh… Body kinda ok… Shoulder ann ankle bad but most good…Just move!_**

He knew he was outnumbered, alone, unarmed, brain nothing but muck right now, arm useless until he could pop it back into place, and he needed to be careful with his ankle _BUT_, he had been in worse situations… _Right?_

He breathed in slowly, relaxing the fear out of his muscles as he let instinct and his fury takeover. **_At leastss I have dat going for me, fucker chose wrong day to st-start shit with…_**

“You are the one called Raphael, yes?”

Raph blinked, his concentration shattering as those soft silvery words filled the air and he lifted his amber eyes to where the odd white snake man/girl stood. He was surprised to see _him_, he would be a _him_ for now because of the deeper voice, holding one of the mutant children gently. **_Just whatda f-fuck side he on?_**

Raph grunted in response, knowing if he were try and respond it would just come out slurred and he would tip them off at just how bad a state he was in. **_Don.. don talk… Bad head, head hurrrt…_**

The albino freak’s purple eyes scanned over him keenly, each of them narrowed as they slid up from his feet, to his legs, torso and then settled their eerily hungry gaze on his eyes and smiled. “Beautiful, just beautiful.” He whispered, fangs glittering from behind his lips as he smiled wider and Raph felt his heart hammer uncomfortably in his chest for the look on the man’s face.

** _Da fuck he jus say!? What kinda freak would tink I, that I am bu… Beaut… Fuck, who tink I pretty!?_ **

“I apologize for my brashness.” The snake said with a light laugh before setting the now calmed child down and folding his arms over his chest. “Did I upset you by being so honest? You are stunning though, _perfect _really…”

Raph glared at him, or he hoped he did, but he wasn’t sure what his body was doing right now; it just kind of felt wobbly and, and fuzzy. **_Arrrgh! Enough of w-words, canna think. Focus on r-rage…_**

“Not much of a conversationalist?” Snake guy asked before moving a little closer but he stopped when Raph growled at him; he may not have been able to speak very well right now, but growling came as easily as ever.

The stranger titled his head thoughtfully, his long hair sticking to his face as the rain continued to increase and his long thin fingers pulled it from his cheek before he smiled back at the uncertain turtle before him.

“Ahhh yes, I was told you are the_ feral_ one out of the four.” He mused, his long forked tongue flickering out from between his lips for a second before he smiled again. “My Master said you were savage, wild, like a _demon_… I wondered how true that could be considering your origins are so… Docile. I mean, you are just a turtle on the inside, no?”

Raph snarled, his body tensing as some of the troops to his right took a step closer, man he needed this freak to shut up! **_Don’t l-listen… Jus, just f-focus… Focus and gedda weapon and get the s-slaves…_**

“Let us see what you are made of _demon_.” The snake spoke again, backing up as his troops inched closer. “Let us see how mighty one _little, _injured turtle can be.”

“RRRRAAAWARRRHHH!” Raph roared as he tightened the muscles in his legs and lunged at the trio of Foot soldiers in front of him. **_I will show HIIIIM! Docile!? FUCK HIM!_**

The troops in front of him jumped forwards as well, all of them wielding katanas and the injured turtle fixed his eyes on the weapons. Now, swords weren’t his strongest discipline but any weapon would do for now.

His first opponent swung high and Raph almost laughed as he bent his torso, throwing his injured shoulder forwards before barreling into the man’s stomach and slamming them both to the ground.

Agony tore through his shoulder as it met the man’s weight but as they fell Raph cheered as his opponent’s sword went sailing out of his hand _and _a loud _POP_ sounded as his shoulder suddenly clicked painfully back into place and became mobile once again. **_YES!_**

The soldier cried out as Raph didn’t stop his momentum and once they hit the ground he curled his body into a ball and rolled right over the fallen idiot, grinding his face into the asphalt with the back of his shell before springing right back to his feet. **_Sword… Where!?_**

“AHHHH!” A glint of silver caught his eye and with a grunt he let the muscles in his legs go limp, rolling to the right just as the long katana cut through the air where his head had been. **_Rookie m-move..._**

He kicked high with his left leg as he moved, his heel cracking against the man’s elbow and he was rewarded with a sickening crunch of dislocation but he was already focused on his next victim. He ended his roll on all fours, crouched in the rain like a beast as his blazing eyes lifted to the third swordsman and he smirked when he noted the man’s poor form. **_Seems dis group newbies…_**

Yes the Foot had plenty of youths joining them these days but most of them were just angry kids from the streets. Half of them could take a punch (maybe) and some knew how to shoot, but how to fight, to really battle… That was a skill honed over years and years of training, training they had just started where Raphael had done nothing _but _trained his entire life.

These bastards were nothing but punks, punks that were not only poorly trained but cocky little fucks and he could use that against them as well. **_Big fucking b-baby n-ninjas…_**

As much as he may have sneered at their lack of skill he was grateful for it, tonight especially. With his head being so messed up and all his other handicaps he knew had he gone against twenty well trained fighters right now he wouldn’t last long at all so… Yay ignorance!

Raph weaved left then right as he dove towards his next prey, his ankle burning as he deftly avoided the man’s terrified messy strikes until he wormed his way in close and he growled as he quickly jabbed his fingers first into the man’s peroneal nerve then his femoral. **_How’s dat f-feel f-fucker!?_**

He smiled as the soldier’s legs went limp and fell to his knees with a surprised cry. **_Gotta love pressure points._**

As the paralyzed man fell Raph finished his move by jamming his digit right under the front of the man’s throat, effectively numbing him from the neck down before his arm flew out and deftly caught the man’s blade as it fell from his loose fingers. He twirled the weapon, perhaps not as expertly as Leo, but skillfully in his hand and he felt a sense of comfort and familiarity fill him.

**_Weapon and shoulder b-better… Better odds! _**He thought as he spun on the remaining soldiers and grinned madly, his demons reveling in his small victory. **_Three down… Jus a few more… F-few more den get muntants, take um to Leo… Leo will fix then l-leave…_**

For a moment his heart ached as he considered his plan, his eyes burning as he remembered how he had been kicked out, how he had been shunned because he had _fucked_ up so badly. **_L-Leo… I, I am sorr…_**

His mournful thought never finished as another group of fighters came at him and he clenched his jaw before turning towards them. **_No, donna think of dat! Survive, help then… Den run, run like… Like a-always… You can do dis…_**

** _Always better alone… Right?_ **

As he choked on a mournful sob Raphael couldn’t help the sliver of doubt that ran through him and, and he found himself wishing his brothers were there with him… His brothers and his leader, his elder, his love, his weakness…

** _L-Leo… I, I love you…I just wish I was better at dealing with it… Like so many things, so many…_ **

** _…………………….._ **

Leonardo groaned as he stood from the roof he stood upon, his eyes skimming over the captured Foot soldiers slumped together in front of him, to the bindings he had secured them with. **_Hope I tied it well enough, never easy to tell in the rain._**

Tonight had been rather active considering the poor weather. He had hoped that maybe they would be able to move swiftly through the east side and make their way to the south end within the first hour but as it was they just kept finding instalment after instalment of small groups of troops almost like, like a setup for a distraction.

He lifted his head, his blue eyes narrowing in the rain as they scanned the city below him. **_Raph…_**

His heart was pumping quickly as he wondered where his lost brother was as well as what else might be going on in the city tonight? **_What are we missing? Why does it feel like we are being played with, taunted with small squads of only three or four troops… What else is going on out there?_**

Now he knew they could only do so much for the city, a curse they had needed to swallow time and time again as the years went but to miss something bigger, to be pulled from the more heinous evils always settled poorly in Leo’s stomach and heart. **_What if others are suffering as we deal with these small distractions… Shredder has become far more clever in recent years, he knows how to work us… Divide us or… Or take advantage of our own internal division. Oh Raph… I need you so, so much._**

“Another group down, where to next?”

Leo peered over his shoulder to where Mikey and Donatello sat crouched against the rain, the smaller turtle was shivering terribly yet didn’t complain, not yet anyways. **_I need to get them back inside, we really don’t need anyone else getting sick but… But something isn’t right and we still haven’t been able to look for Raph. Arrrgh, not enough time in the day!_**

Far too often crime fighting seemed like a thankless and monotonous job; no one ever congratulated them, no one thanked them, and for all their efforts, for all their sacrifices it just seemed that they would get one area cleared only to return days later and find even more troops there, or theft happening, crime…

Leonardo wasn’t in need of thanks or accolades but it was exhausting to just continue to kick at a dead horse, as the saying went, and he found himself wondering if there would ever be a day they could just _rest_?

**_If only we had more allies, more troops of our own we… We could cover so much more of the city! _**That was another thing Shredder had over him and his family, numbers. Sure they _kind _of had law enforcement on their side but were the cops of the city to _see _them, they would be just as quick to capture his family as the Foot so, they had the police and yet didn’t at the same time…

They were the enemies of everyone…

Everyone but one another and with that thought came a wave of all too familiar anger and guilt as the eldest Hamato thought of his wayward brother. **_Raph… Damnit…_**

He shook his head, rain flying off of him in glittering drops as he focused on what to do now. “Let’s move southward. Something isn’t right tonight; it feels like we are being tricked and, and maybe something bigger is happening, I don’t know.”

Donnie nodded as he stood. “I agree, way too many scattered squads. I have a feeling something bigger is going down, I just wonder, where?”

Leo frowned his eyes searching the cityscape worriedly. “Hard to know and unless we separated we… Wait, look there.”

All three of the brothers walked to the edge of the roof they stood upon and peered to the south where Leo was pointing.

“Hey, is it just me or was there more light over there a minute ag…” Mikey started as the haze of light over the shipping yard flickered and another portion of the blaze turned to black. It was like the street lights were slowly turning off or being shut off one by one and Leo gasped as he realized how close that area was to one of Raph’s hideouts!

** _I wonder… Could it be him raging down there or something else? The coincidence seems a little too convenient to not involve him but…_ **

“Let’s check it out.” He said gruffly, shaking off the cold as he quickly jumped off the side of the building and onto a fire escape, his brothers following without another word.

As they wove their way through the city Leo kept his hope of finding Raph there at bay. **_It could be nothing, there is a storm coming maybe it is just something as simple as a power outage or… Or it could be what the Foot has tried to keep us from all night._**

He peered over his shoulder as they moved silently along the rooftops and buildings. “We don’t know what we are going to find there turtles but keep your eyes open and weapons ready!” He shouted as thunder shook the sky above them.

He didn’t know what they would find there but he did know something and that was_ nothing_ tonight had felt right and it wasn’t just because of their missing brother. **_Raph, I hope you are safe wherever you are but we, we could really use you right now… I could damnit! I wish you were here._**

Little did he know that his younger brother was currently wishing the same thing.

……………………..

** _Damn I wish Leo w-was h-here…_ **

Raphael dodged another blow, sweeping his bloodied form back as a second sword sliced through the rain right above his right shoulder before he stumbled back and reset his footing. If he was really honest with himself and not so stubborn he may have admitted that _maaaybe _he wasn’t holding up so well anymore.

He had taken down half of the Foot soldiers, all of them beaten and groaning around him yet their bodies just made for even less sure footing and considering how hard the rain was falling it was like he was fighting blind _and_ in a vat of oil. Everything was slick, everything glimmered, and the flashes of lightning and booming thunder just made his aching head throb all the more.

He had been quick in the beginning, working through the first five opponents in under a minute each but then he had caught a blade right across his left eye and with the blood and rain dripping into his eye his peripheral vision was now shit, nevermind how badly his ankle and shoulder were burning.

_CLANG!_

A swing parried at the last moment forcing him to stumble back some more, too many steps as Leo would say, and he growled as his anger and exhaustion grew. **_Arrrrgh, f-fuuuck! Jus… Just wannaed to r-rest!_**

_BANG!_

A strike against his shell, the blow vibrating all along his back and further disorienting him as another slice cut deep into his upper arm. **_F-Fuck…_**

_CRACK!_

“Ahhhhhghh!” A fist slammed into the side of his reeling head, filling his already poor vision with spots and he allowed himself to roll with the punch hoping to escape the circle of soldiers for a moment to collect himself. **_I’m… I’m f-faltering…_**

He scrambled to a crouch about ten feet from the circle of death, his legs shaking as he forced himself to stand yet he cheered internally when he saw only four more attackers still standing meaning there was only seven left plus, snake-guy. **_O-ok… Ok… Liddle… Liddle longer den res…_**

Like everything else that continued to get worse his brain felt like it was only half conscious, like he was just waking up from a dream… One of those awesome dreams where, where he and Leo… Where they held each other, where they kissed, made love, and _never _fought… Well until tonight’s dream that wa…

_SLAMMMM! _Something hit him; something hard, heavy, and unforgiving and it crashed right into the back of his head, a wave of nausea following as he stumbled forwards, his ankle giving out just at the right moment and suddenly he was on his knees. **_Nooo…_**

He heard laughter come from the fuckers around him, like they should be _proud _that it took thirteen of them to take his half-conscious ass down yet their mockery of him burned deep in the pit of his whirling stomach. He had had a day from Hell, he had hurt his family, talked about his father’s possible death, lost his home, lost Leo, lost everything and here these bastards were stealing people like it meant _nothing_ just to go and_ LAUGH_ when they finally got him to his knees!?

** _F-Fuck… Fucck them! FUUUUUCK THEEEEM! ENOOOOUGH! _ **

“AAAARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH!” A ragged scream tore from his throat, his rage boiling, bubbling like acid inside of him and the monster he had been fighting all day, the beast he told himself again and again was _wrong_ and _dangerous _reveled in his desperate call.

He raised his head to the storming heavens, his back arching as the fury scorched through his body, and he bellowed as he was consumed by it all.

The demon was taking over and he, he_ welcomed_ it.

Warmth filled his freezing limbs the pain fueling him, guiding him and suddenly everything seemed to slow and nothing hurt anymore… No, now there was only rage and every blow, every agonizing slice felt like electricity coursing through him it, it was magnificent.

Whatever happened next became a bur of red, his body moving so fast even he couldn’t keep up. Everything was instinct, every move thoughtless yet precise… Like dancing.

Blood spurted across his face as he slammed his forehead against one of his attackers, he shivered in joy as a limb cracked and shattered in his hands, the demon never needed weapons… His fists, his body was enough.

There were slices and punches that battered his body but none of the pain registered for too long, all of it just turning to energy, feeding his insanity and he growled with the power he felt…

He was unstoppable, he was fearless, he was…

“Stunning, absolutely beautiful.”

The demon paused in his bloody rampage, that oddly soft voice sounding far too close for comfort and as he spun he flinched in surprise as two arms suddenly wrapped around his neck pulling him in close to folds of white cloth that smelt pleasantly like lavender before he felt two pinches in his neck and he growled savagely. **_FUCKER BIT ME!_**

He angrily grabbed the arms around him and threw them off, his legs stumbling back as the area around the bite began to feel warm, numbing in a way, and the feeling rapidly traveled to his veins. **_SHIT! P-poison?_**

He snarled at the albino yet it quickly turned to a whimper as all of the strength in the left side of his body seemed to get sucked out of him and he collapsed to a knee with a muddy splash, the snake smiling down at him the whole time.

“Wh-what da f-fuck yooouu d-dooo…” Raph mumbled out yet his voice held no real strength in it and he moaned as he fell forwards, catching himself on trembling hands as he fought to keep himself conscious.

“Do not worry beast, I have no intentions of killing you. I would never waste such a perfect specimen.” The man assured him as he crouched down next to the dizzy turtle smiling as the magnificent creature lifted his head and a guttural rumble sounded from deep within him.

“Whadda arrrrgh, what do y-you wan wid m-me?” Raphael slurred in response, wishing he could speak more clearly but his head hurt so much and now that his rage had ebbed a bit he was starting to just feel weak and sick, nevermind whatever the bastard had injected into him. **_Freakin… Freakin cheater…_**

He glared at the man, baring his teeth yet the snake continued to just smile and scan over his body hungrily and Raph almost wanted to curl into himself from the power and the need he saw coming from the man. **_Like… Like I’m p-prey… C-creepy f-fucker…_**

“Just look at you, a perfect transition/ mold of beast and man… I, I was told such but to _see_ it.” The snake marveled quietly, his hand lifting and he tried to pet the back of Raph’s head but the turtle quickly swatted him away.

“F-Fuck off! Ain’t no p-pet…” He grumbled miserably as his body thrummed pleasantly around him, the numbness making everything so much fuzzier and actually he felt better than he had all day. **_Nnooo, don let guard d-down… G-gotta tink…_**

The snake’s smile changed oddly after the word pet, his eyes flashing before he laughed softly. “Wild indeed… Untamed… Such a wondrous challenge you present and such questions,_ opportunities_... Shredder will be pleased, I know I will be.”

That name and reality caught Raph’s attention, his heavy head jerking up as fury filled him and suddenly he was moving. He scrambled back but his aching body was moving too slowly, he was too disoriented yet he allowed his frustration to help fuel his demon as he forced himself to stand and face off against the remaining soldiers and the freak. **_F-Fuck gotta… Gotta m-move! Fight! Sick f-fucker ain’t taking me to no…_**

“RAAAAAAPH!”

Raphael spun, his heart freezing as an incredible, strong, beautiful voice called out to him from the storm and he lifted his blood red eyes to find none other than the love of his life running towards him. **_L-Leo? H-How…_**

He smiled, a bloody wicked looking thing he was sure for the demon was still with him, still right there at the edges of his shattered consciousness and yet, like always, it became tamer when Leo was near him, quieter and he churred submissively as his brother approached. **_H-Help… Help L-Leo… It hurts…_**

“What a fascinating and unexpected change of temperament you portray, my precious beast.”

Raph jerked as a blade came across his throat, the hand holding it delicate and yet oddly strong and he felt warmth of a body fall over his shell as snake-man held him close. **_Arrrgh, shiiiit! Let, let g-guard d-doown…_**

“LET HIM GO!” Leo demanded as he skid to a halt near twenty feet from where Raph and his captor were, Mikey and Donnie sliding to a stop as well each of them gaping at the number of downed Foot soldiers around them.

“Whoa dude, there’s like fifteen of um…” Mikey squeaked out, his eyes going wide as he found some of them far more mangled than they normally allowed and he felt his stomach roll at the carnage.

Leo ignored the bodies, his eyes set on the strange albino and Raph, his heart skipping as the man’s blade nicked his brother’s throat as the younger turtle began thrashing against the hold.

“Don’t move _you idiot_! He could KILL YOU!” He snapped, not caring if his words came out a bit harshly but it Raph continued to struggle he would cut his own darn throat!

“I would listen to your brother.” The pretty boy whispered to Raph and the largest turtle snarled at him.

“F-fuuuck y-yooou.” He grated out, hoping he didn’t sound as plastered as he felt yet that numbness was everywhere now begging him to just lay down, to relax. He moaned as his body began to slump despite his fury and was surprised when he felt the man’s other arm slid under his arm and helped keep him standing. **_Fucker is ss-strong…_**

Leo’s eyes flashed as the man before him nuzzled his cheek affectionately against the side of his brother’s, the younger turtle clearly worse for wear as each minute that passed his eyelids fell lower and lower and his legs shook more. **_What is he doing holding Raph like that? Just who is this man and what is he doing working with the Foo…_**

“Leo, holly shi… Look, mutants!”

Leonardo growled, afraid to take his eyes from his brother and the strange man yet Donnie’s voice held such fear in it he turned away just to gasp as he found about ten figures huddled together not fifty feet from where they stood all of them wearing collars and staring at them with strangely animalistic eyes…

“What the…” He whispered, the poor misshapen creatures huddling closer behind the three soldiers that guarded them. A snarl escaped him as he turned back to the man that held Raph, his eyes narrowed and fists curling. “Just who are you and what is going on here!?” He demanded, his heart hammering as the man smiled back at him and he spotted the long fangs there, evidently he wasn’t completely human either.

“Ahhh, let us see, Donatello, Michelangelo, and you must be the leader, Leonardo?” He asked smoothly yet was surprised when the turtle he held twitched at the last name and snarled once more.

“Don’t you s-say_ his_ n-name…” He grated out through clenched teeth and the snake chuckled.

“Soft spot for that one, hmmm?” He asked playfully. “Pretty one he is, I can see why you…”

“SHUD UP!” Raph screamed, trying to elbow the fucker in the stomach but just as he started to turn all the strength in his legs vanished and he groaned as his legs collapsed out from under him.

“RAPH!”

Leo’s voice echoed in the darkness that was slowly consuming his vision and his heart ached for the pain he heard in it. **_N-No Leo… Ummm, Umm ok… S-save mutants… S-save dem… _**He thought wearily as he rested his throbbing head against his captor’s chest. He didn’t have the strength to say the words but he hoped his ever honorable brother would do the right thing…

He would, wouldn’t he?

** _Please Leo, dey are worth b-being saved… N-not me, n-never me._ **

…………………..

Leo’s heart was thundering almost as loudly as the storm above, his knuckles cracking as he strengthened his grip on the hilt of his sword. **_Raph…_**

He began to move forwards just to freeze as the white man sneered up at him and tsked. “Tut, tut, you have a choice to make right now pretty one. Either you rescue_ them_…” He said, bowing his head to the captives.” Or, you forsake the poor creatures for your brother. What do you choose?”

Leo scowled at him, his eyes narrowing furiously. “What makes you think we aren‘t going to walk away with all of it?” He inquired, his voice low and dark yet the snake merely laughed at him.

“The Foot may be helpless but I am not, I assure you of that.” He warned and as if to prove his point all of the brothers gaped as the man stood, easily picking Raph’s limp form up and cradling him close as he smirked at them all. “I think it is an even exchange really, ten for one.”

“_You cannot have him!” _Leo shouted, his voice cracking with emotion as he raised his swords high just to watch the snake nod to the three troops near the mutants.

“Kill them.” Was all he said as he laughed and spun before sprinting off into the darkness.

“NOOO! Mikey, Donnie save them, I am going after Raph!” Leonardo shouted, ignoring his brother’s yells as he raced after the man that had his brother.

**_I won’t let him take you! I won’t! _**He promised as he ran. He had already almost lost Raphael once today, there was no way he was going to let this man take him!

** _I… I can’t lose you! We, we aren’t perfect but… But I need you, I… I need you so much! Please, anyone!? Don’t let him take Raph away from me!_ **

** _Please?_ **


	5. Art

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just some art for now, new chapter coming soon though! I really enjoyed drawing Raph... He is so awesome and dark and eeeep! Hope you enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh and finally added a proper description cause I figured out where this is headed and it will be dark, but loving too... Hold on for a crazy ride!


	6. New Player

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry this one took me a bit, kept not getting the emotion right but I think I got it now. So, this one is darker, heed warnings and trigger jazz. I won't always remember to write when there it some dark stuff but the warnings are in the description so you know what you are getting into... Hopefully by now haha. Anywho enjoy and sorry for errors! Yay chaos!

Lightning flashed, thunder roared and the rain came down in curtains of blinding waves yet Leonardo didn’t need his eyes to track the silver snake, he had trained for situation like this whole life and he, like his mutant brothers, was gifted with an uncanny sense of smell. It was harder to utilize that gift in the rain but the odd creature he chased evidently had an obsession with lavender, so much so he would wear it even when going out on a mission. **_Foolish mistake… Either he is vastly ignorant or dangerously confident, I need to be careful._**

He heard a slight scuffle to his right and slipped as he abruptly changed direction just to see a flash of white disappear around another storage container. **_There he is! MOVE! MOOOVE!_**

How the stranger moved so fast whilst carrying Raphael was a wonder in and of itself, he knew his brother was no lightweight and he thought he had perhaps seen a tail of sorts hidden under the man’s trench coat. **_What are you!? Who are you and what the hell do you want with RAPH!?_**

The creature had abandoned his mutants, just left them and run off with the younger turtle like they meant nothing so… So what did Raphael have that he could need enough to risk Shredder’s wrath by deserting his creations?

Sure, Shredder would be pleased to have one of the turtles in his hands but was one turtle worth the cost of ten slaves, or whatever they were to Shredder. **_Ten mutants, imperfect mutants… What is Shredder trying to accomplish!? Is he attempting to mutate beasts like he has tried to before? If so, why do they look so human!? If anything they should look more animalistic! They always have in the past and the failed one really looked wild not…_**

“Holy shit…” Leo whispered stumbling for a moment, horror filling his heart as he stupidly realized the obvious; Shredder wasn’t just experimenting on animals anymore, but humans! **_He, he is experimenting on HUMANS! Not, not just any humans either there were children in that group! CHILDREN!_**

Suddenly his mind raced to all of the kidnappings that had occurred recently in New York, many of them being children and their parents, parents whom had served in the military at some point or another and many news networks had designated it as a terrorist agenda. Reporters and politicians deducing that perhaps another country was taking U.S. soldiers for intelligence or some sort yet, now he wondered if that were really the case or if he had just discovered where all the missing soldiers and their children really were.

** _This… This is so much bigger than I realized. Even if they aren’t the soldiers whomever those people are they... God, what can I even do for them? Arrrgh, first thing first! Get Raph safe and then focus on the others, I hope Donatello and Michelangelo are doing alright._ **

He felt slightly bad for running off on his younger brothers like he did but when he saw that man running off with Raph it, it had… He had seen red and his body just started moving.

Now he was panting, every breath feeling like he was inhaling fire even though the air was so cold, and still he couldn’t seem to catch up with his target! **_He, he moves so fast! How, how can he move like this while carrying Raph!?_**

Despair began to eat at his heart as he passed another container just to watch the man’s tail disappear behind the front of it when he heard a shout, the voice sounding much like Raph’s and then there was a crash.

**_It sounds like the man fell! Maybe Raph snapped out of it and attacked him!? _**He cheered, pushing his aching muscles harder before winding around the end of the container to find, nothing…

He blinked, wiping the rain away from his eyes as he scanned around him when he noticed that he had come to the edge of the storage yard and was now facing the docks. **_Wh-where… Where did they go!?_**

He ran to the edge of the yard, peering down at the lower docking area as fear coursed through his veins. “RAAAAAAAPH! RAPH WHERE ARE YOU!?”

His scream was partially drowned out as thunder boomed overhead and lightning crackled across the dark clouds but in that brief moment of light the eldest turtle gasped as he saw a form curled up on the walkway just before the docks, one that looked distinctly inhuman…

“RAPH!” He shouted, hope filling him as he jumped down from the ledge he had been balanced upon and he ran towards the broken form. **_Oh… Oh Raph I am so sorry… _**

He fell to his knees next to his brother’s moaning form, his hands shaking as they reached out to turn his brother over. “I have you now Raph, I got ya.” He whispered, the rain pouring off of his beak in rivulets and he felt his eyes burn as his younger brother turned his head, his eyes dim with pain and confusion until that wonderful smile broke across his pained expression.

“L-Leo… You c-came. You f-found me…” Raph coughed out and Leo scoffed.

“Of course!” The older turtle exclaimed as he lifted his head and scanned around them nervously. “Where is he?”

Raphael groaned as Leo’s arms went under his shoulder and began to drag him to his feet. “D-dunno… E-elbowed f-fucker… Drropped me…”

Leo swallowed hard as he skimmed over his younger brother, it was clear Raph was bad off; his speech was slurred, his eyes couldn’t seem to focus on anything for too long, and his entire form was trembling unsteadily.

“You have a concussion.” Leo summarized and the larger turtle chuckled bitterly in response.

“N-nooo sh-shit…” Raph said brokenly as he and Leo began to stumble back up to the storage yard.

Leonardo’s eyes skirted all around them as they made their _exceptionally _slow journey away from the docks; he hadn’t seen the albino but he wasn’t foolish enough to believe the man would just give up and run. **_Where is he? Crap, WHAT is he? What does he want with us?_**

“Wh-where Donnie… M-Mmmikey?” Raph asked nervously and Leo smiled at his brother.

“They are taking care of the last few Foot clan. I am sure they can handle it, let’s just get you somewhere safe. Having you injured like this is a grave weakness for us.”

Raph snorted sarcastically. “Pffft… S-Such l-love.” He mumbled yet a blush quickly came across his cheeks as he said it and the brothers fell to an awkward silence, Raph inwardly berating his choice of words the entire time.

**_Oh g-gud fucking j-job… Just g-get him b-back annn… Ann make shit all w-weird… _**He shut his mouth from that point on, his head hanging between his shoulders as he stared at the ground miserably and trudged on.

Leo swallowed hard, Raph’s comment reminding him of why they were out here in this situation in the first place. **_Raph… He, he has feelings for me, what… What am I going to do about that? What do I feel about him? Is this even right? Is it right for us to… To want l-love?_**

** _Do we deserve such a thing?_ **

He peered over at his younger brother just to find the other turtle looking right back at him and they quickly turned away from one another, each of their cheeks burning with embarrassment and maybe… Maybe something else?

“Leo…” Raph said suddenly, his heart pounding wildly in his chest. “I… I a-am s-sorry.” It was a broken, ragged whisper one that could easily be overtaken by the storm that raged above them but to Leonardo it seemed to echo.

Raphael grit his teeth, begging his scrambled mind to clear just for a_ moment_, just so he could explain, so that he could find the right words…

“I n-never wanna h-hurt… Never…” His throat tightened, his strangled gasps for air just making everything more fuzzy than it already was and, and he felt warmth slide down his cheeks and he found himself grateful for the rain that hid his tears.

He stopped then, half because he felt like shit and the other…

“R-Raph… We, we can’t stop.” Leo insisted quietly, his eyes still turned from his younger brother and his heart clenched at Raph’s obvious struggle. **_We, we can’t stop yet. I need to get you safe and then… Then we can deal with what happened._**

“L-Leo… I dunno w-what is w-wrong with me and why I f-f… Arrrgh… I l-love… I love you annn… Annn I mmm s-sorry… Mmm s-so sorry for it, nnn dunno h-how to d-deal.” Raph continued, his voice gruff and filled with emotion.

He knew it was foolish to have this conversation now, knew it wasn’t the time and half his words just came out in a slurred mess but before anything else happened, he wanted Leo to know.

He wanted him to know he had never meant to hurt him, had never meant to get so lost it was just… For _so long_ he had been keeping this secret, for so long he had forced himself to push it all down, block it all the while watching his wonder of a brother longingly, achingly from afar… So close all the time and yet so very far.

He could block his feelings, lie to himself and his family over what he was suffering through but he could never truly hide from it all… No matter how hard he tried. He loved Leo and maybe it was wrong, maybe it was twisted but he couldn’t hide it anymore so, so might as well let him know the whole truth, right?

It was the eldest Hamato that now hung his head, rain pouring over them both as they stood frozen in their own storms.

** _He thinks he, he loves me? As in LOVE, love? I… I don’t know what to… What do I, what do I say to that?_ **

“Raph, why didn’t you say anything b-before?” Leo asked, finally raising his head and peering at the other turtle yet Raph was staring at the ground.

“Iss wrong… Mmm wrong… Wrong inside, t-twisted…” Raphael muttered mournfully, more tears falling and mixing with the rain. “Mmm s-sorry I’m b-broken…”

Leo stared at his brother, his brow furrowing as anger filled him. “Raph, you aren’t wrong! You aren’t broken you just…” He sighed, urging the younger turtle forwards as his mind reeled with what to say. **_He thinks he is broken, he thinks he is twisted… Did, did I help him in coming to that awful conclusion? Did I do that to him? _**

“You_ aren’t_ broken Raph.” He said sternly, _him_ now tugging them to a stop and he was happy as his brother lifted his head, his unsteady eyes lifting to Leo’s and the eldest Hamato hated the agony he saw resonating within the amber orbs.

“You are _not _broken.” He said again, smiling softly as sorrow flickered in his brother’s eyes. “You aren’t. Lost maybe, confused, but not broken… And certainly _not twisted_.”

Raph said nothing in response yet his eyes did seem a little clearer after Leo spoke. If the clarity was from the poison lifting its affects or if it was from hope, Leo wasn’t sure, but it made him smile wider. He reached over, unconsciously perhaps and cupped Raph’s cheek, his thumb rubbing it as he did so.

“Let’s get through this then we can go home and talk, ok? Just you and me.” He suggested, and he was rewarded with a small smile from his brother.

“F-Forgive?” Raph asked, his head leaning into the warm hand that held it and he reveled in the comfort of such a small gesture but to him, it meant the world.

“I forgive you Raph.” Leo said gently, lifting his head and touching their foreheads together, their beaks less than an inch apart. “I forgive you but, but I need you to _trust_ me, please? No more running off, no more secrets… Please?”

**_He forgives… I, I don’t deserve h-him. _**Raph sighed, his battered figure slumping now that all the tension and stress about him and Leo had ebbed and he rubbed his beak against Leo’s as he churred quietly.

“Ok… I trust y-you L-Leo. Won’t r-runn…” He promised, his heart pounding for how close his brother was, how soft, how forgiving, how beautiful the turtle was, so unlike himself.

Leonardo was the light to his darkness, the calm to his fury and, and that the turtle would even give him a second chance after what he had done… It just spoke volumes to the wondrous character of his elder brother, something he used to envy but now worshipped and was immensely grateful for.

Leo’s heart was also thundering inside him, his forehead still placed against his brother even as a voice in the back of his mind was screaming to be alert, to not let his guard down like this when they were so out in the open but it was so hard to focus on anything right now… Anything but Raph.

** _What, what is wrong with me? I need to be better than this, I need to focus on the very real danger around us! I, I don’t understand why I can’t concentrate or think straight. Why is this affecting me so much? Why is Raph affecting me so much? Could, could it be that I, that I too have feelings for him?_ **

He had been wondering that all day, been contemplating it over and over so much so it was dizzying and he hadn’t come up with an answer yet… Yet here he was losing himself in the warmth of his brother, his heart pounding like a love sick teen, and blatantly ignoring all of the exceptionally important lessons of survival he had been taught all his life just because…

Because he didn’t want the moment to end.

“D-dannnk you L-Leo…” Raph whispered, his breath warm against Leo’s beak and the elder brother smiled.

“Dor welcome.” He answered back playfully and Raph snorted.

“S-smartass…” He grumbled yet his smile was wide and warm and Leo chuckled.

“Language, Raphael.” He chided and both brothers laughed…

”How sweet you two are… The beast and his beauty.”

So lost in their moment neither brother had heard the footsteps that had followed them, nor heard the smooth _sheeek_ of a blade being drawn above them until the shadow descended.

“L-LEO!” Raph cried before shoving his brother away yet his strength wasn’t nearly what it should have been so all he did was push_ himself_ hard enough that he tripped over his own damn feet! **_NOOO!_**

As he fell he turned in the air, his eyes widening as a white blur descended upon his brother, the smaller turtle spinning around swiftly as he began to pull his katana up but he was just a second too slow and the snake-man curled his long limbs around him before sinking his fangs into Leo’s shoulder.

**_SHIT! He got LEO!_**

Leo gasped as fire tore through his shoulder, his body dropping with the weight of his attacker and he used the momentum to his advantage, falling to his shell and rolling backwards. The man immediately let go of him, his legs pushing off of the Leo’s chest before flipping backwards and landing gracefully on his feet just a few feet away.

Leo grunted as he continued his roll and ended in a crouch with both katanas extended as he faced off against the snake-man.

**_I was such a fool! I can’t believe I allowed myself to be caught unawares like that! He, he bit me… I wonder why he… _**Much like had happened with Raph the eldest turtle felt a strange warmth begin to spread through his veins around the bite and he instantly realized something wasn’t right.

“_Kusō…” _He muttered under his breath, his narrowed eyes going from Raph to where the odd man had landed, the snake was merely standing there smiling at them.

“Mutants that not only exhibit a perfect blend of man and beast, but those that can express an emotional understanding and empathy on the same level as humans… How very _fascinating_.” The snake man remarked amusedly before crossing his arms in a far too relaxed manner and Leo felt his heart skip a beat nervously.

“Wh-who a-are you?” Leonardo growled out brokenly as he recovered and the man blinked at him in surprise.

“How terrible of me, here I am knowing all of your names and not introducing myself. I have forgotten my original name now but many now call me Gin Shi.” He said as he bowed low and both turtles narrowed their eyes at the odd, yet accurate name.

**_Gin Shi… Silver Death? His name is as cocky as he is confident like, like he knows we are helpless… _**Leo thought angrily as he tried to spring to his feet but the moment he tightened his muscles to move he felt them all contract painfully.

“AHHHHHHHH!” He screamed as a agony rippled through his legs and he fell onto his face after only moving a few inches. Leo’s legs spasmed madly, his body curling into itself as more and more of his muscles constricted against his will, the affliction spreading like wild fire slowly taking over every limb… **_I, I am paralyzed!?_**

“LEOOOOO!” Raph’s eyes bulged as he watched his brother scream and shake, his tired broken form forcing itself to stand. **_Arrrgh, I am gonna KILL THAT MOTHERFUCKER!_**

The snake man continued to smile as he watched the two turtles suffering before him and he slowly walked towards Leo, his slitted violet eyes narrowing as he studied the effects of his poison hungrily. **_Seems to be working less effectively than on humans, he should be unconscious by now. Seems they are stronger than I realized._**

“S-Stay the f-fuck a-away from_ h-hiiimmmm_!” Raph screamed at the bastard, his legs shaking as he stumbled towards his brother and the wretch had the gall to _laugh_ at him.

“My, my… You_ are_ rather protective of this one, aren’t you?” That silvery voice asked mockingly, his fanged smile broadening before he lifted his foot and swung it forwards.

“MONNNSTER!” Raph bellowed as the foot slammed into his brother’s head, the smaller turtle whimpering as he tumbled and rolled a few more feet away.

“I guess he is rather fragile though, I can understand your concern.” The snake hissed with a laugh. “Rather pathetic reall…”

“FUCK YOOOU!” Raph snarled his rage taking over, his demon biting at his foggy mind and suddenly he was running.

“Huh, impressive.” Shi whispered in genuine surprise as the raging turtle barreled towards him; considering the poor state of the mutant he knew that he shouldn’t have been able to stand much less run…

**_Nevermind the paralyzing effects of my venom… He is indeed impressive, magnificently so. _**He thought as he smiled wider but instead of facing off against the demon he merely turned, walked over to Leonardo and placed the tip of his blade against the back of the moaning turtle’s throat.

“I would stop.” He said simply, his eyes flashing as they lifted to the huge turtle and he nodded approvingly as his opponent skidded to a stop about ten feet away. “Good boy, seems you can be taught after all.”

Raph was fuming, his beast blazing behind his eyes and he snarled savagely. “Let him GO!” He yelled his voice thick and gravelly sounding yet his heart was hammering at the sight of the blade against his brother’s throat and fought to keep control.

** _C-can’t lose it… S-Stay in control… He got Leo, Leo… HE HAS LEO! FUUUUUCK!_ **

“ARRRRRRRGH!” Raph roared, his battered form arching back in frustration and fury as lightning crackled across the sky, it was as if the heavens themselves echoed in his misery.

Gin Shi marveled at the mutant, his own heart thumping and a heat coiling in his lower abdomen at the pure feral nature of the creature before him. **_Perfect…_**

“You truly are a demon, aren’t you?” He asked but his opponent didn’t answer beyond a growl and he smiled wider. “Indeed, well now I think I have a conundrum on my hands… As much as I would delight in taming you creature, I also see the benefit of presenting my Master with the _leader_ of his problem rather than the heavy hitter.”

Raph’s heart froze as the snake dug his blade a little deeper into the back of Leo’s throat and suddenly his demon was gone, silent for the terror that now took its place. “S-Stop…” He begged, his weak legs giving out now that his rage had diminished and he fell to his knees. “Please… D-don hurt… Don h-hurt immm… T-take me? Take me in-instead, won’t f-fight.”

Shi tilted his head, his violet eyes flashing with the storm. “You? Hmmm, sacrificing yourself for your brother? How noble demon…” He smirked as he pulled his blade away a bit more from the smaller turtle and the mutant moaned under him.

Leo was nearly unconscious now, the fire in his muscles too overwhelming and he could hardly see yet when he finally creaked his eyes open he was horrified to find Raph on his knees _begging _for Leonardo’s life.

“N-noooo, R-Raaph…” He cried, or tried to but it really just came out like a ragged moan and Shi laughed at his weakness.

“Well look at the two of you. Had I known it was going to be so easy to subdue you, I would have brought some extra hands to help carry_ both_ of you back to Shredder, as it is though I must make a choice.” He tapped one of his long nails against the bottom of his chin as looked first at Leo then Raph thoughtfully. “Oh and don’t worry I have plenty of time, more of the clan has come to help deal with your other brothers by now… They will fail ultimately, if they are nearly as skilled as you were demon but, they should keep the other turtles busy for a while.”

Raph’s eyes widened. **_Shit… Mikey, Donnie dey… They may n-need help.._**

Everything was falling apart. He could hardly stand, Leo was barely conscious and under this madman’s blade, Mikey and Donnie now had reinforcements to deal with on their own. How, how did they get so utterly decimated in no time, who was this freak, and how the fuck was he so damn strong!?

“Though, I must say _you_ are far more intriguing to me than your beauty.” He said as he nodded to Raph, his smile turning wicked. “How about a deal, prove to me you are worth facing Shredder’s ire and I will choose you over your brother.”

“W-what?” Raph asked in confusion and Leo growled.

“D-Don’t… Ahhh, don’t let him… Go, r-run R-Raph…” The eldest Hamato started just to be silenced as the snake threw his foot back and slammed it into his face splitting his lip and filling his mouth with blood.

“_FUCKER!” _Raph went blind with fury, his rage bubbling through his veins giving him strength and he ripped himself off his knees as he lunged for the man…

“I SAID STOP!” Shi yelled, his eyes narrowing before lifting his katana high and then, almost like he was moving in slow motion, thrust it downwards.

“NOOOOOOO!” Raph bellowed in abject horror, watching the blade glitter as lightning tore through the sky just for its sparkling light to turn to red as blood spurted out from his brother’s now impaled hand.

“ARRRRRGH!” Leo screamed, the fire in his palm mixing wretchedly with the pain in his muscles and he nearly vomited from the conjoined agonies.

“L-Leo…” Raph gasped weakly, his own stomach flipping as more and more blood bubbled up from the pinned limb.

“On your knees, NOW!” Shi demanded, his fanged smile turning dark as he scowled at the larger turtle. “On your knees or the next time I raise my blade he loses a limb.”

Raph hung his dizzy head, again all the anger inside him evaporating with the deadly promise and, he did as he was told.

The asphalt was cold as his knees fell upon it once more, his weary frame shivering with fear and exhaustion… There was nothing he could do right now, nothing that wouldn’t end up with Leo being hurt further, he needed to listen.

He needed to obey.

“Place your head down as well, like a good little pet.” The snake hissed, his amusement evident in his tone and he licked his fangs as the turtle submitted to him, the position was a wondrous sight if any were. **_Taming him would be such a venture…_**

Raph grit his teeth shamefully, he was more than aware how he looked right now, his head forced down to the wet pavement and ass high… **_F-Fucker… Arrgh, ignore it. L-Leo needs h-help… Jus, just ignore…_**

“Ahhhh…” Leo groaned miserably then and Raph snarled, thinking the man had gone against his word and hurt him again but when he lifted his head he realized Shi had only pulled the blade out of the smaller turtle and was now striding arrogantly over to him.

“Keep your head down pet and do not move. I am faster than I look and will happily dismember your lover before you can blink.”

A blush fell over Raph’s cheeks at the word lover, one he tried to hide as it just exemplified the degrading position he found himself in currently but the snake apparently saw it and chuckled as he moved behind him.

“For such a monster you certainly crumble when it comes to your mate, don’t you?” He asked playfully before kneeling.

“Not m-mate…” Raph grated out, his heart pounding nervously and body stiff as the man settled in behind him. **_Wh-what the fuck he want? Just take me to Shredder already!_**

Leo whimpered as he strained to lift his head. “R-Raph… R-run, please…” He begged again, his eyes burning as they fell upon his brother’s prostate form.

“I ain’t l-letting him t-take you L-Leo…” Raph answered sternly, his eyes meeting his brother’s determinedly that was until he felt something slid up the back of his thigh and he yelped in surprise.

“Jumpy aren’t you?” Shi mused, his fingers slowly sliding up and down the twitching muscle there and Raph’s head spun backwards, his eyes huge as they stared at the albino.

“What da f-fuck you, UHHH!…” He gasped as those fingers worked higher, their light wet touch rubbing paths along his thighs and up to his ass.

“I told you, I need to make sure you are worth it.” Shi said huskily smiling as the mutant’s tail lowered, shaking as it sought to cover that puckered hole underneath it. “Oh do not worry, I am not interested in that, not yet anyways, we would need more time but where might I find my other prize…” He chuckled as he slid his hand between Raph’s legs, his digits slipping along the bottom of his plastron until they rubbed against the thin, tightly shut slit. “There it is…”

“Huuunnnng…” A strange ragged noise came from Raph then, his fear and embarrassment crashing over him in waves as the man continued to caress one of his most sensitive and private places. **_Wh-what the fuck he DOING!? He, does he want to… I… Fuck, FUCK HIM! He ain’t fucking taking me like no PET!_**

Shi glanced up as the beast in front of him began to growl, his white eyebrow titling for the savage visage that now adorned the turtle’s face.

“Uhh, uh, uh… Remember our deal _demon_. If you upset me enough I may just kill your lover and be done with the trouble.” He warned darkly yet that just seemed to infuriate his pet further and he felt the creature’s muscles tense as he prepared to kick his leg out.

** _Fool, you will learn to obey me… _ **

Before the turtle could strike Shi lowered his head, his mouth opening wide and with a growl sunk his fangs right into the thick meat of Raph’s inner thigh.

“ARRRGH! F-FUCKER!” Raph exclaimed, all thought of attack dissipating as fear rippled through him and he tried to crawl away from the man just to feel two strong hands grip his hips and keep him still.

“Uh, uh… You_ will_ stay put.” The snake said sternly, holding the turtle still as his venom worked through his veins.

“F-FUCK OFF SICKO!” Raph snarled, clawing at the ground as he tried to break away from the man’s solid grip yet with each moment that passed his body was becoming heavier and heavier but also…

**_What the f-fuck? _**He thought hazily as an unexplained warmth began to spread all along his lower abdomen but it wasn’t the same as before. No, this time it was tingly, hot, and, and everything felt so sensitive…

As horror and embarrassment began to replace his prize’s scowled expression Shi smiled and pet the turtle’s legs softly. “I have many talents beast, as does my venom. It can be used to paralyze my victims to varying degrees, I can kill with it, make you feel as if you blood is boiling as well as bring incredible and mind numbing pleasure.”

To prove his point he strengthened his caress, massaging up Raph’s thigh and he smiled wider as the turtle whimpered unwittingly and shivered. “Wonderful, it seems to be working just as quickly on you as it does on the humans, perhaps even faster? I wonder why, interesting.”

Raph was hardly listening for the insane and overpowering sensations that were coming from between his legs, his stomach, and even his head seemed hazier than ever…

He felt like he was on fire, on fire with need, with want, and it was indeed consuming.

** _Oh… Oh f-fuck… What… What Is, is going on?_ **

Even the rain felt like cold kisses against his fevered skin and he moaned with each drop, it was incredible, painful, dizzying and he needed more, he needed…

“R-Raph…”

A soft voice in the haze of heat and he lifted his head, each breath ragged now and forced yet they froze in his lungs as he looked up to see Leonardo’s pain filled eyes looking back at him and suddenly humiliation tore through him.

“L-Leo…” He mewled, his face burning with disgust for what was happening to him, how much he enjoyed it, and with Leo being right there, right in front of him when, when all he could think about was… Was…

“UNNNNNN!” A cry ripped from his throat as those fingers brushed his slit once more and this time there was no hesitation from his drugged body and it terrified him. Instantly he could feel his hidden shaft hardening, thickening as it begged for release from its sheath but, but he didn’t WANT THIS!

“Arrrrrgh, fuck OFF!” He screamed clawing at the ground again, shifting, flailing, anything to get away from his assaulter but the snake merely laughed at his feeble efforts, apparently the aphrodisiac also contained some sort of a paralyzing agent and all of his limbs just felt so heavy. **_Arrgh, can… Canna get a-away…_**

“Shhhh, hush. Don’t fight it pet, enjoy the sensations.” Shi encouraged him huskily, pushing his fingers into the slowly expanding break of cartilage and he licked his lips as he found the very plump and dripping head of the turtle’s erection just at the entrance.

Raph grit his teeth, his embarrassment and fear choking him, consuming him almost as much as the heat he was forced into.

“N-No…” He pleaded even as his head flew back and a gasp escaped him as those blunt digits slipped along the wet head of his member.

“No? But you seem to be enjoying it.” The snake teased, his smile widening as the head then popped out of the turtle’s slit and he eagerly palmed it. “Just relax my pet, as I said before I need to make sure you are worth the loss of your brother. It will make it easier for both of us if you just let this happen.”

Raph snarled as his fingers dug into the asphalt so hard they bled. “S-sick f-fuck…” He strangled out his eyes shutting for some sort of feeling of privacy, some escape to what was happening to him. **_I dun…. Don’t want this… S-stop… Stop…_**

A sob built up in his throat but he choked it back down and lowered his head to the ground shamefully. He felt like he had no control, he was being touched against his will, his body reacting like he wanted this but, but he was really just terrified.

His eyes burned under their lids, his fight with controlling his emotions falling to ash as his fear grew stronger and stronger, as did the heat.

“No, no… P-Please, jus t-take me to Sh-Shredder.” He begged weakly, perhaps even pathetically but he didn’t care. He had never, _never_ felt so small before, so helpless as he did now.

He felt dizzy, between his concussion and the venom, his fear and what was happening between his legs he felt so lost, so confused, afraid, and small.

He had spent his entire life fighting against that feeling, that feeling of helplessness and perhaps it in turn had much to do with why he was always so angry. His life was one of training, of hiding in the darkness, of saving those ungrateful just for the cycle to start all over again every morning. Training, food, fighting, loneliness, sleeping, repeat…

Where was the LIFE in his_ life_? Where was the drive? Where was the joy? It was fighting, that is what he had, fighting, training to become stronger, everything working towards his endeavor to not drown in his sorrow, not drown in the storms that haunted him… What made him feel small.

He didn’t ask to look the way he did, he didn’t ask to be forced into hiding… He wanted to live! He wanted to live so, SO badly! He wanted to laugh as he went out on the town with friends, he wanted to ride his bike during the day and watch the sun set over some fucking field, he wanted to explore the world and not just be locked into one city and…

And maybe do all of that with someone he loved, someone who could calm his storms, someone that always forgave him, someone like…

** _Oh fuck, LEO!?_ **

Suddenly Raph remembered Leo lying right in front him and his eyes flew open, the amber orbs filled with terror and embarrassment as they stared into Leo’s tear filled blue ones.

“R-Raph… I, I am so s-sorry…” Leo grated out his voice broken and ragged as he cried for his brother and Raphael remembered how, how he had made Leo feel this fear, this awful choking fear earlier that day and…

And he felt like his heart was torn from his chest.

**_I made h-him feel l-like dis. I m-made him this, this h-helpless, this s-smalll… I des-deserve this… _**He thought as he turned from his brother shamefully and shut his eyes once more. **_I deserve this…Jus… Just don look Leo…_**

** _Please don’t watch…_ **

“Ahhh, there it is!”

Raph bit back the groan that threatened to escape him as he felt those wretched, wonderful fingers wrap around his now fully erect penis as he clawed at the ground and focused on the pain. **_Arrrgh, I… I deserve this! I deserve… Ohhh, f-fuck… H-help… Help, please?_**

"Why!? Why are y-you doing d-this!?" Raphael asked his body shaking with need and disgust. 

The snake sneered. "My experiments have failed thus far with the humans but..." He growled as he held his prize tighter. "But through your blood, through your genetic makeup in _any_ form_... _If, if I can find the secret, the _code_ that makes a mutant intelligent and capable of a human understanding of life... I, I shall be free of him."

** _Free from, from wh-who? Shredder? Unnnn...Fuuuck..._**

Raphael's musings were interrupted as the hand around him stiffened, blocking out any sense. _**For, for a creature so s-stong... Why is he working for Sh-Shredder? Why is he... Unnnn... Fuck I, I c-can't think...**_

"You could be an integral part in the creation of a whole other level of human evolution, pet. A whole new era of mutants. You could make history but first, I need to make sure you are receptive to the treatments that will be needed to attain such a goal... But do not fear, thus far you are doing _swimmingly_. You may save your brother yet..." The snake stated mockingly and Raph snarled in response as he continued his struggles.

_ **F-Fucking freak, fucking s-sick freak... Wass he mean t-treatments, munnants... Unnnn... FUUUUCK!** _

Everything felt so damningly _good_, so good that he hated himself, was disgusted with himself and… And that he had given Leo this same feeling, that he had made him feel this shameful, this u-used…

The hand wrapped so tightly around his ridged member began to move and his body reacted eagerly to the unwanted caresses, his hips moving slightly with the rhythm, his breath hiking, hitching as he tried to control both the sobs and moans of pleasure…

It was a hazy hell that involved both pleasure and wretched agony. He hated what was happening to him and loved it, his muddled mind warring with itself as it tried to work through its earlier damage and the drug that coursed through him.

“Uhhhh, uhhhh… Please… PLEASE STOP!?” He screamed, his control falling away as that pleasure became blinding. He had jerked himself off plenty of times but, but to have someone else do it, to have no control in what was happening it… It was as terrifying as it was_ intoxicating_.

Heat coiled in his stomach, twisting and rolling through him and everything that touched him, the man, the rain, the_ wind_ just added to the haze.

Shi grinned as the beast under him began to dissolve. He was moaning even if he didn’t realize it, humping into his hand, and clawing at the ground as he fought to breathe. **_Yes, perhaps this specimen will do just fine for what I have in mind._**

“S-Stop! D-don’t you f-fucking touch him!”

Raph lifted his head blearily searching for the source of the broken cry and he blinked in surprise to find Leo snarling as he stared at the snake. **_L-Leo? You, you look s-so a-angry…_**

The always beautiful, peaceful visage of his brother was twisted with fury and rage, he looked so broken, so furious…

Shi peeked over Raph’s shell at the older mutant. “Such strong words Leonardo. I do not know why you are upset, he seems to be enjoying my touch after all. Aren’t you pet?” He asked and clenched his hand around Raph harder.

“Uhhh, n-no…” Raphael whispered as tears finally began to fall mixing with the blood from earlier and the rain and finally a sob escaped him, especially when he looked at Leo.

**_I’m s-sorry… I w-was weak, I am weak… F-forgive me, Leo…_** He thought as he reached out to the smaller turtle, his shaking hand scraping against the asphalt and bloody fingers stretching as far as they could, he needed his brother, he needed something, something to hold to before he shattered.

Leo sobbed as well, using the last ounce of his strength to force his uninjured arm out grasping at air, rain until their fingers touched, just a little.

“R-Raph… I-I’m s-sorry…” Leo wept, his muscles constricting in response to him forcing it to move and yet still he fought to stay conscious, to stay awake so his brother didn’t need to suffer alone but, but it was too much…

_Everything _was too much and just as their fingertips touched Leo gasped, his body convulsing one last time before he groaned and his brilliant, sad eyes shut and he fell to unconsciousness.

Raph stared at his brother, tears falling from his eyes readily now and he just felt a deep sense of resignation fill him as Leo left him but also, comfort. **_He, he will be s-safe. N-Not gonna, not gonna hurt you Leo… No one h-hurt you… I l-love, love…_**

“Come on pet, we are running out of time.”

He growled at the insistent controlling voice that came from behind him but that quickly turned to a whine as the hand around him began sliding faster and faster, the heat that had collected within him firing to life again and he felt lost beneath its power.

Shi smirked at the beast’s pathetic yet touching scene with the other. He could have stopped it, could have caused him to lose focus on the one called Leonardo and focus solely on him and him alone but everything with his new pet was a learning experience and, and he was never selfish enough to ruin a chance to observe, calculate. **_He does indeed have a soft spot for that one, that may come in handy later on._**

He sped up his movements delighting as the turtle’s attention came back to him and now that his mate, or whatever the other turtle was to him, had gone unconscious it seemed his reservations had fallen back even more. He was crying out loudly now, his hips thrusting more erratically as he gasped for air…

It was a beautiful, tragic sight to see the demon submit to him and, and he couldn’t get enough.

“Unnnn, Unnnng… UHHHH!” Raph wasn’t sure what noises were coming from him at his point, his beaten drugged mind just giving up on trying to make sense of anything around him and only the heat, the pleasure, and need guided him now.

“Good boy, such a good boy…” A husky whisper sounded next to Raph’s head and he turned to find a pale face with slitted eyes peering at him.

**_Who… Who..._**He wondered but even that thought was quickly obliterated as his climax spiraled closer and closer.

He didn’t care, he didn’t care about anything not with that magnificent pressure around his dick and the venom coursing through his veins… He just wanted to cum, he wanted to cum so, so badly that it hurt.

“Arrrrgh, yesssss!” He growled, his entire body shivering as he rocked into the hand servicing him, he was close, so close…

“Well look at that, you self-lubricate.” Shi mused as a clear sticky liquid began to lazily drip from his pet’s puckered hole and he inhaled deeply reveling in the sweet scent. **_Uhhhh, this… This beast, I could lose myself in him… I want to._**

He smiled as he lowered his head between the creature’s cheeks, his forked tongue flicking out before pressing against the gland roughly and he was rewarded with a wonderfully uncontrolled scream.

“ARRRRRRRRRRGH!” Raph’s voice broke as he arched against the wonderful wet pressure that pushed against his hole his head flying back to the storming sky as he bellowed out his climax. “UNNNNNNN, FUUUUUUCK!”

Thick ropey cum erupted from the tip of his shaft, his body jerking with each spurt and every muscle tightening… He had never cum like this, it was blinding, numbing and so, so wrong...

Load after load splashed along his torso, spraying his plastron and the asphalt below until finally there was nothing left and he collapsed heavily with a groan.

Shi smiled hungrily as the beast fell to unconsciousness, licking at his fingers as he rumbled in heated appreciation. “Perfect…” Was all the man said as he easily rolled his prize over and gently picked him up.

“You are mine now.” He whispered to the silent turtle before turning and walking off into the night just as yells of the others sounded from the shipping yard.

Shredder might be upset over losing the mutants and not see the worth in keeping his pet but Shi knew the turtle would indeed be imperative to his future experiments, those and of course, on a more _personal_ level as well.

Tonight had turned out so much better than he expected and, and his fun had just begun.

………………………

“I see Leo!”

Donnie gasped as Mikey’s voice came to him over the storm and he flipped off the top of the storage container he had been perched on as he made his way over to the youngest turtle his heart easing as he found Leonardo’s unconscious form but…

** _Where is Raph?_ **

Mikey reached Leonardo first, the smallest brother grimacing as he stared at Leo’s bleeding hand. “Aww man… Leo.” He whispered as he knelt next to the elder’s inert form and scanned around them desperately.

“RAAAAPH!?” Donnie cried, his heart pounding as he ran around the edge of the yard, skirting around containers, making his way to the docks but… But his elder brother was nowhere to be seen.

** _He, he must have gotten him… SHIT!_ **

After another half hour he dragged his battered form back to his brothers, his heart heavy and mind reeling and Mikey looked up at him with just as broken of an expression.

“What are we gonna do Donnie?” The younger turtle asked quietly and Donatello sighed heavily as he leaned down and picked up Leo and placed him over his shoulder.

“We… We go home and recover.” He muttered as he began to walk back to the storage yard.

“Yeah but… But what about the mutants?”

Donatello stopped, his head was killing him, his body felt like it had been hit by a truck covered in razor blades but, he was all they had now, all they had to lead them…

“We take them with us.” He decided, nervous about what Leo would think of his choice, what his father would think of it but really, did he have any other choice?

Mikey nodded nervously, probably thinking the same things Donnie was but he remained silent and followed grimly after his elder brother…

Tonight had been a nightmare and, and who knew what tomorrow would bring but that was a concern for a later time, they had plenty to worry for now.

Their father was dying, Leo unconscious, Raph taken, and now they had ten half formed mutants to look after…

Donatello chuckled bitterly as he walked knowing it was a terrible curse to ask if things could get worse because they always could and, always did.

** _Raph, wherever you are, remain strong. We will come for you..._ **

** _I promise._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I just wanted to add a note here at the end of this... Like ya do.  
This is not some simple porn without plot but nor is it a serious novel without darkness, and given my history it will turn into a novel (I can't help myself 😉).  
Everything has a place here, everything that happens, no matter how superfluous it may seem in the beginning has a reason, a purpose.  
I have the end now I must write the story. There will be sex, there will be torture, there will be character development, probably tears, and just... Life.  
I am writing about life, realistic-ish, life.  
It will be gritty, funny, sorrowful, fury inducing, imperfect...Life.  
A monster does not grow within someone's heart easily, there is always a reason, a story soo... So if you are willing to hang on, if you are willing to not know all the answers at once I, I think you will truly enjoy this tragic yet hope bearing tale.  
Haha. At least I hope you will. Anyways, thank you for reading, hope you enjoy what will come.


	7. Tattered Souls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Everyone! First, may I again just thank everyone for your support in this! You guys are awesome sauce! Ok, on to the chapter.  
This is a LOOONG one, nearly 16,000 words. I was going to break it up but I figured nah. Here we explore a few things, we learn a little more about Gin Shi and his curiosity concerning Raph, and we also explore the first stages of breaking the poor turtle down.  
IT GETS DARK, well I mean, the whole story is rather dark, but the non/con jazz is at the end here. If you have no desire to read those parts stop reading once umm, I would say once the bite happens, otherwise it is not so bad.  
Ok, I hope you enjoy this extremely long chapter and sorry for errors cause I am sure there are a few. (*.* So many words!)

“Unnnn… F-fuck.” As Raph’s consciousness came back to him the agony in his body did as well and he immediately wished he could fall back to the bliss of unconsciousness.

Everything hurt, every muscle, every plate, hell... Even his shell hurt! **_What the fuck… What is wrong with me? Where am I? Why can’t I mo… Oh shit, I CAN’T MOVE!_**

That simple realization brought him back from the haze of slumber very quickly and he jerked his head up to scan his surroundings but as he tried to open his eyes all he found was more darkness. **_Shit, I am blindfolded too!?_**

Rage and a glimmer of fear filled him then, but he quickly pushed the fear back and focused on the rage part. Feeding his anger had always helped him with enemies and unexpected situations, far better than terror anyways.

“Ahh, you are awake.”

A deep voice he didn’t recognize called to him, apparently from across the room he was in as it sounded further away and echoed a bit.

**_Maybe about twenty feet away? _**Raph guessed as he listened closely. This wasn’t the first time he had been trapped and blindfolded and he knew a thing or two about judging distances… He had many villains to thank for the training as well as Master Splinter. Old rat used to make them train in the dark constantly, always reminding them that eyes were good for sunsets but other than that not much use in a fight, especially if you relied on them too heavily.

Raphael groaned as he tightened the muscles in his body, shifting around to take note of how well he was bound and where. It seemed he was hanging from the ceiling of a rather cold room, the burn in his shoulders indicating he had been hanging for some time but not long enough to have them screaming, not yet anyways.

His ankles were also bound, spread about two feet apart and chained to the floor they hung over and last there was a collar of sorts around his neck and not just any collar but one that emitted a low hum of electricity in it… **_Perfect, you really fucked up now didn’t you Raph?_**

His memories before his capture were hazy at best, he remembered fighting the Foot, seeing some sort of twisted mutant slaves but the rest… The rest was just a garbled mess of images.

Leo had been there, he was fairly certain, him and his brothers but where they were now and what had happened afterwards was just a blur. **_Shit, I hope Leo and them got out. Fuck, what the fuck is going on?_**

Whoever was in front of him stepped closer, the scent of human sweat and leather filling the turtle’s nostrils as he grimaced at the man. He could also smell the slight tang of rusted steel and hear the clang of metal on metal… The man was armed.

“Master Shredder will be pleased, go inform him our guest is ready.” A slight accent, American Japanese perhaps?

Raph relaxed his shoulders, easing the muscles there in case he found the opportunity to attack, he needed to keep himself limber. **_Shredder, Shredder has me but, but how?_**

He lowered his head, listening closely to the world around him. There was a decent amount of echoes, clangs of metal… He was not in any building, not any normal city structure at least as the walls seemed to be constructed mostly out of metal. The air was humid, perhaps from the earlier storm but it also had a salty scent to it… **_I am on a boat._**

More and more sensations came to him his mind, finally working mind that is, and he took in all of the information it could as he assessed the chances for his escape. **_I am on a boat, considering how little we are moving it must be docked… But docked where?_**

There was a shift in those that surrounded him and he concentrated on the sound of footsteps counting at least five pair, if he was correct. **_Five assholes watching me, all armed with weapons… Don’t smell no residue of bullets or nothing so, no guns… That’s good but, but how the fuck I get here?_**

He dug deep into his foggy memory, focusing on all of the scattered images as he tried to piece it all back together.

He had hurt Leo and…

His heart ached as he recalled his brother’s tears, his yells, Donnie pulling him off and screaming at him as he sent Raph away...

**_Leo shit, I… I never, I never meant to… _**He gasped as that thought brought up another series of broken memories, words he had said to his brother as he was carried by the older turtle right before…

Suddenly white light filled his vision, every muscle in his body constricting as flashes of heat, pain, huMiliation, shaMe, TeRroR, hElPLesSnEsS, _FeAR_, and **_PaNic_ **coursed through him like fire.

** _I… I…_ **

He felt like he couldn’t breathe, his jaw trembling as more and more unwanted wretched memories ripped through his mind like fire.

Him begin forced to kneel, to _sUbMit…_

Leo crying out before him as he screamed in agony…

Blood, blood splashing across a blade…

Then there were hands, hands in places they never should have been, places that were his and his alone and, and they burned…

Raph fought the urge to vomit, his heart racing as those hands, those terrible hands scoured his body, forced him to enjoy their agonizing touch, their ViOLaTiOn!

** _Fuck, fuck… FUUUUCK!_ **

He was shaking so hard the chains that he hung from began to jingle, their melody sweet much like little bells. **_FUUUUUUUUCK, he… He touched and I… I, I didn’t mean to, I didn’t… FUUUUCK!_**

“Something wrong, beast?”

A voice, a voice from someone before him but he hardly heard it over the ragged sound of his breathing or his thundering heartbeat…

He had been USED, used like some filthy thing and he had ENJOYED IIIIIIIT!?

“ARRRRRRRRGH!” A roar tore through his aching dry throat, tears soaking the cloth that covered his eyes and, and something fractured inside him.

It was small, a shadow along an already imperfect wall but, but like all fractures it was the beginning of something, a weakness that could be fed could be abused further and further if need be and little did he know that that was exactly what was to happen.

“Hamato.”

Raph’s panic suddenly stilled as a deep booming voice echoed across the chamber in which he was held, he knew _this_ voice and in some small way it helped calm his terrifying storm and where his choking fear had been his demon began to awaken and take its place. **_Yes, focus on the anger! I gotta keep my shit together, can’t fall apart! Can’t fucking fall APART!_**

“_Shredder.”_ He hissed in response, hoping his voice sounded far stronger than he felt inside and he growled, giving in to his rage as heavy steps slowly strode towards him. **_S-Shredder, I… I am caught by Shredder good. Good at least, at least he has some honor. He won’t touch me, not like… Not like…_**

_SLAM!_

“Uuuuughfff-FUCK!” Raph cried out as a fist slammed into the center of his stomach, his breath leaving him and lungs burning as he tried to inhale.

The blindfold was ripped from his face as he gasped for breath, blinding light scorching his retina and a strong hand grabbed his face and pulled it forwards.

“Ten test subjects, ten mutants that have cost me far too much time and energy now gone and I receive _you_ as compensation for their loss?” Shredder snarled into his face and Raphael groaned in response.

“H-hey, I ain’t happy either p-pal…” Raph grated out weakly the panic still itching at the back of his skull but he forced himself to focus on his newest threat. He could handle pain, he thrived off it but what that snake had done…

** _Fuck STOP! Stop it! You need to focus! You need to find a way to escape!_ **

“A disappointment indeed.” Shredder growled before raising his fist and slamming it against Raph’s skull.

Spots filled Raph’s vision as the tender point on his already battered cranium erupted into agonizing flames. He may have recovered some from his concussion but apparently the bruise was still there and Shredder seemed to be wearing steel gauntlets… **_Or cement fucking blocks._**

“Uhhhh, f-fuck…” He moaned, gritting his teeth as he forced a mocking smile on his lips. “That how y-you great all ya guests?”

“Only the filth.” Shredder answered before letting go of the turtle and stepping back. “Bring him in.” He ordered to one of his soldiers and the black clad human bowed deeply before walking out of the dimly lit room.

Raph shook his throbbing head, trying to clear it before glaring at his captor and smirking. “Ya could always lemme go Shredder. I promise I won’t tell no one about your shitty boat fort.”

A deep laugh sounded from behind the gleaming mask before him. “You have cost me too much as it is turtle though, I will be compensated for it all by the end, and then some. I assure you of that.”

“I got nothing for ya.” Raph retorted with a dark smile. “Though I do have a mean recipe for crepes if you’re interested, but ya gotta keep it between me and…. Uhhhh!” His sarcastic remark was quickly silenced as Shredder spun and before he could blink the man’s foot slammed right into the center of his chest once again forcing all of the air out of his lungs.

** _Arrrgh, fucker…_ **

“Must you drone on so?” Shredder asked, obviously a rhetorical question one Raphael would have answered with a snarky remark had he been able to do more than cough and gag.

** _Shit he thinks I drone on, he obviously hasn’t spent much time with Mikey…_ **

Suddenly the door to the room opened again and a blur of white was thrown inside landing not far from where Raphael was swinging after the insanely powerful kick. **_What the f-fuck is th-that? Looks bloody._**

Whatever the mess was on the floor it was indeed bloody, the white fabric that surrounded it multiple shades of pink and red, and long jagged tears lined the outer jacket… Whatever it was had had its ass handed to it and considering the claw marks it was obviously handed to him by Shredder.

** _Wait… White, white oh god… That, that is HIM! That is MOTHER FUCKING HIM!_ **

Terror filled him then, his inner demon crumbling to ash as he felt those hands on him again, heard himself cry out as he was used…

_“Good boy.” _The freak had said to him… Congratulating him for submitting, for allowing himself to fall… **_I… Fuck, FUCK! I need to calm down! Shredder won’t allow that shit right!? There, there won’t be any more of that RIGHT!? Please, please…_**

Unaware of his prisoner’s complete mental meltdown behind him**_, _**Shredder turned and glared at the lump of man at his feet. “You have disappointed me terribly Gin Shi. So much work lost and for _what_?”

Shi groaned as he forced himself to his hand and knees. Agony tore through his ruined frame, his numerous wounds screaming as they reopened from the little healing that had started as he was dragged here. He had known he was going to suffer for what he had done and he was right. Shredder hadn’t even given him a moment to explain his choice before beating him senseless, not at first anyways.

He had walked up to the command deck of the larger vessel his Master had acquired recently, his shoulders squared and chest outwards… He wouldn’t show fear in the face of Shredder, not easily at least, he was stronger than that.

In truth he despised his Master… He loathed him and had never been one to follow any order the monster gave to him without a fight. Why he rebelled so much held a plethora of explanations under it but the simple reason was merely because no one else did!

All of his followers were these feckless parasites that just groveled before their Lord and worshipped him like a God. None of them stood up for themselves, they would let him send them to their death, beat them, starve them, abandon them… To Shredder the ones that followed him were nothing but numbers, fodder for him to use and throw aside.

Shi though, he was different from his Master’s usual soldiers, he was one of a kind one that could not be easily replaced by another mindless drone and he exploited that fact whenever he could.

He knew Shredder hated him just as vehemently as he did his Master but it was only through _his_ advances and scientific knowledge that the clan’s leader would achieve his twisted goals. He no longer had Baxter, the old freak having _blown_ himself to the heavens not so long ago, something Shredder didn’t exactly _not trust_ Shi had had a hand in making happen, but again since then Shi _was_ the only other scientist the Lord had now so it was either kill him on the suspicion of murdering the fly or letting him live.

As he was still alive obviously the latter choice had fallen in his favor.

Shi had been more than happy with his then mentor’s ‘unexpected demise’ as he was the bastard that had turned Shi from a happy, loving, young scientist with a future into, into well whatever he was now…

He didn’t think about his past too much though, it used to be because of the pain it cause but now, now he just saw no reason to dwell on the past. Not when he had to constantly be aware of his own survival in the hellish prison he now lived in.

So yes, for the last five years that Shi had been forced into his internment with the Shredder he had made it clear just how _overjoyed _he was with the arrangement by making his Master’s life as difficult as possible. He was punished one way or another the entire way but he didn’t care. Hell, if anything when he was beaten or punished it seemed the only time Gin Shi felt anything beyond the mind numbing apathy that haunted his every moment.

Another side effect of his mutation and many of his subject’s mutations was that those experimented on didn’t feel anything afterwards, not really, yet… Unlike his most recent batch of mutants, Shi’s deterioration of empathy or feelings was so much worse. He still wasn’t sure if it was because of how long he had been mutated or because he had been transformed with one of the original imperfect formulas but he knew he didn’t feel happiness, he didn’t feel sadness, didn’t even feel anger... He was just, numb.

Sure there were hints, echoes of the lost emotions but the feeling would quickly fade as it always did and then there would just be that bottomless pit of nothingness where he could do naught but mourn, in whatever little way was left to him now, the memory of feelings…

He had them once, had many things before Shredder stole him away and took everything from him. It seemed so far away now, his old life as a human, so very far but it had only been five years. Five years and everything he had once had, had once loved had been stripped away as if it never existed and if that wasn’t the worst of it, the longer time passed the more he forgot about that life.

His memories, like everything else, were slowly crumbling because of what had been done to him and soon he feared that he wouldn’t even rebel against his Master any longer because, because he wouldn’t remember the core reason he did so. He wouldn’t remember anything but his Master’s will, what they had turned him into, and he knew that was another reason Shredder kept him around.

The bastard knew that soon he would be just another broken slave ready and willing to please his Lord any way possible.

But today was not that day.

Today was not that day and he still possessed some of his memories, and NOW may have just found something that could finally set him free. Set him free not just in the sense of escaping Shredder but… But perhaps on a level he didn’t truly understand just yet and that something was his discovery of the perfect mutant, Raphael.

That he had come across the mutant at all was incredible; Shredder hardly ever allowed him to leave his lab, forcing him to work and sleep there like a dog and never allowed him outside unless there was a new shipment that needed to be taken care of.

Shipments came and went very rarely though, meaning he got to leave his prison only twice, perhaps three times a year… In some ways he was happy that he had limited access to his emotions as he knew he would have surely gone mad after being locked away like this for so long as it was though, he dealt with the seclusion well enough.

He was fairly certain it was twisting him in some ways; the seclusion, the constant abuse, the screams of the test subjects… All of it was tearing into what little humanity he retained and was twisting him, twisting him more and more as the years passed and his emotions and memories disappeared and he got a clear view of that earlier in the night when he had first set eyes on the demon…

He had been dutifully preparing his Master’s mutants for their shipping, they were imperfect but not useless and Shredder had found a buyer in China that had a purpose for the creatures for one reason or another, when who but one of his Master’s most hated foes had just stumbled in on them.

He had spied the mutant almost instantly, his sense of smell was insanely powerful these days and when he had turned and finally beheld the beast his Lord despised so much his heart had felt like it had frozen and time seemed to grind to a halt.

He had been beautiful, flawless in Shi’s snake like eyes and after so long of only seeing mangled, twisted, and failed mutations, to see one so perfectly balanced it had shocked him.

Sure he had heard of the turtle’s perfect mutations, hell it was what Shredder was trying to achieve in his own experiments; a perfectly blended mutant soldier but… But to see it was something else entirely.

Yet, that had only been the beginning of his amazement because once the turtle started fighting, obviously gravely injured from the start, he again found himself staring in awe at the creature’s rage. He had howled, bellowed like a monster… He felt things!

The turtle had felt things so deeply it had taken Shi’s breath away and in turn, he had felt something as well. After so long of apathy, of this numb empty existence suddenly he found himself standing there, his heart racing and his body thrumming with excitement, with splendor, with longing and, and he never wanted those feelings to go away.

The longer he watched the more he became consumed by the chaotic emotions that swirled around his dark and broken soul. He had felt alive! He had felt alive for the first time in years in that moment and THAT was when he made a choice…

He needed the creature.

He wanted this beast, this perfect being that blended so fluidly with man and beast, that made his legs shake and heart race, and he would have him no matter the cost.

He had almost lost him too, the beast was not an easy capture and that just made his aching heart jump even more so as Raphael had fought him and he dropped the turtle but, he wouldn’t let him go so easily.

When his brother or… Or _lover_ came for him Shi had hidden in the dark more than ready to attack but, but he held back once they started talking…

The effect the demon’s rage had had over him was overwhelming enough but, but when his prize had begun to cry and beg forgiveness it… It had forced another wave of unexpected emotions to course through him and he had watched the scene with the obsession of a mad man.

His demon loved the other turtle, _loved_ him. He loved him deeply and it seemed the blue one loved him back…

…

….

Loved, two mutants, two freaks, inhumans loving one another, feeling things… It hurt.

That had hurt Shi and for once he felt a pain that was not associated with the physical but something inside, something he hadn’t experienced in so long and, and it made him angry, furious, and indescribably _jealous._

Who were these perfected mutants? How dare they be allowed to _feel _things, how dare they be allowed to _LOVE_? How dare they be allowed to leave their prisons and HOW DARE THEY NOT BE BROKEN!?

Why, why weren’t they broken inside like _he was_!? Why weren’t they empty, how could they hold each other like that, whisper with such a range of sorrow or endearments… How dare they LAUGH TOGETHER!?

How dare they be happy.

He had seen red then, a possessive fury ripping, clawing at his heart and he had attacked the lovers. He wasn’t about to let this beast get away, this creature that not only could hold his future in his hands, in his genetics, but that had snapped the band of apathy that had been coiled around his heart for so long…

He would have him!

He would have him and discover why, why he was so flawless. He would break him apart, tear through the remains and discover all of his secrets. He would have those secrets, he would have it all or break the beast’s spirit in the process, either way worked for him because… Because why should _anyone_ be given the gift of_ feeling_ something, why should he be allowed to hope and dream when Shi... Shi only had the nothingness!?

Perhaps it had been a selfish desire but it was a desire he had never expected himself to have again, no desire had been and poor Raphael suffered for it.

He had torn into the turtle, used him, made him small, made him submit and it had been wonderful! He had felt in control of those emotions then, like he himself was experiencing them through some unseen connection.

He had felt invincible as he overpowered the beast, claimed him as his own, and had felt more than just some tool for his Master to use! He had taken those emotions and used them against the ungrateful wretch beautifully…

And now he was his.

His to pull apart and study and maybe, just maybe he could find a way to fix himself through his demon, maybe he could find a way to return his humanity if not on a physical level but an emotional one, and maybe he could remember what is was to live… To feel _alive!_

The beating he had received from Shredder had been nothing to him, merely a step in ensuring his pet, his demon stay with him and as he now knelt before his Lord and his violet eyes rose to Raphael’s he reveled in the terror he found there. **_Yes my pet, everything that is inside you is mine now. I can be beaten over and over again yet it will all be worth it. Everything will be worth it if I get to just have a taste of the agony you feel, the passion, the fear… Every emotion shall be mine now… Every part of your perfection._**

He shook his head, forcing himself out of his thoughts before lowering his head submissively to his Master, he knew Shredder liked that. He was defiant yes, but he also knew is limits and he certainly didn’t want Shredder killing his demon in a fit of rage.

“Master, I h-have already told you how imperative this creature could be to finishing my work.” He answered weakly as he groveled before the Lord. “I was not lying.”

Shredder grunted in disgust before curling his fingers in the mutant’s long hair and pulling him up until his battered face was right in front of him. “I have tolerated your defiance because of your progression thus far Gin Shi, yet my patience grows thin. Those mutants were the most advanced we have created and you _abandoned _them.” He growled as he pulled the scientist closer. “Ever defiant you are but now my troubles have increased ten-fold with your ignorant stunt. I can only beat a disobedient dog so many times before the benefit of its death becomes clear.”

“M-Master…” Shi strangled out as the hand around his neck continued to tighten, it was clear Shredder was very angry. Again, that wouldn’t bother Shi so much normally, half the time he wished the bastard would just kill him but if his fury grew too out of control Raphael could suffer for it, he needed to be careful.

Shi’s hands wrapped around the larger man’s wrist as his tail jerked wildly under his coat. “I s-swear h-he is w-worth the loss M-Master.”

“We have tried to utilize the formula that mutated these creatures previously and it _failed_. What makes this time any different? I give you this one chance to convince me cretin or I will be done with you,_ happily_ so.” Shredder muttered darkly.

So far Shredder had merely beaten his slave for his failure but he was beginning to truly think he should just end the beast’s life and rid himself of its constant insolence and disrespect. He was sensible enough to understand losing the brilliance of the youth would also cost him in the long run but given the mutant’s continued defiance he couldn’t help but wonder if he was doing more harm than good by keeping the pest alive.

“Y-yes, but you d-did so from the s-substance, the o-original formula i-itself, Master. N-not from the t-turtle’s o-own DNA.” Shi answered brokenly, his violet eyes rolling back in his head as he began to pass out. **_N-No, need to s-stay conscious, need to c-convince…_**

Shredder stared at Shi a moment longer, his eyes narrowed until only his jet black pupils filled them giving him a demonic appearance. “Perhaps there is something to your theory.” He said finally and threw the scientist down with a scoff of revulsion.

As Shi gasped and coughed at his feet Shredder then turned back to the turtle and was surprised to find the look of abject horror on his face. **_Odd… _**He thought as he walked closer to the mutant, his surprise growing as he realized that the turtle’s horror was not directed at him, he wasn’t even looking at Shredder, instead he was staring at the scientist he had just thrown away…

** _He fears him? Why?_ **

Even as Shredder moved closer still, now barely inches from the hanging creature’s form Raph’s eyes didn’t shift from their desperate gaze and that made the clan leader curious. **_He mocks me and yet cannot tear his eyes from Shi, interesting._**

Only once he grabbed the turtle’s chin and forced him to face him did those wide amber eyes finally meet his. “You seem fearful.” He noted quietly and his eyebrow lifting as a very clear flicker of panic fleeted across the turtle’s eyes.

“I ain’t scared of shit.” Raphael growled, his heart hammering as he forced himself to glare at Shredder but inside he was a mess. **_Shit, shit, shitshitshitshit… He, he knows… He knows I, I am t-terrified. _**

Shredder grunted, his head turning from one mutant to the other. “Indeed.” He mused, more to himself than anyone before he turned back to Raph. “I will find value in my slave’s failure, your capture will benefit me one way or another… Either yours or your brother’s.”

Raph suddenly froze, his breath caught in his burning lungs as all of his previous fear melted away and his aching mind played the monster’s words over in his head. **_Wh-what?_**

“B-brother?” He stuttered stupidly and his heart dropped as Shredder nodded.

“Why yes, the blue one.” He said evenly his eyes watching carefully for the turtle’s reaction to the lie.

One thing Shi did do correctly was provide him with the idea to concoct the lie of also holding the leader of the infernal mutant group. Apparently this turtle had a soft spot for the other and as he had fallen unconscious before they made their way here he wouldn’t know Leonardo wasn’t taken as well.

Shi _should_ have taken them both, a fact Shredder illustrated to the albino by searing off some of the flesh from his back but at least in lying about it he could use the desperation against his prisoner should things not go the way he wanted.

He wasn’t certain the story would fool the turtle at first but as Raphael’s face fell and a guttural rumble of fury began to build in him Shredder smiled under his mask. **_Excellent._**

Raph was seething. **_The bastard took him!? He took Leo too!? After, after what he put me through the FUCKING BASTARD TOOK HIIIIMMM!?_**

“ARRRRRGH! YOU FUCKS!” He screamed his demon clawing through him, its fire searing though his veins and aching muscles like fire and he pulled wildly against his chains. “Y-you sick, twisted FUCKS! YOU FUCKING BASTARDS!”

Shredder chuckled as he stepped away from the raging mutant and turned to his general. “I want the location of his lair, work it out of him but do not let him die. It may take a while to break him down, these creatures are rather stubborn beasts after all.” He added as Raphael continued to scream and flail behind him.

“Master…” A pathetic voice called to him from the floor and he peered down as Shi knelt before him. “What of my experiments? I need him to retain some sense of consciousness and not to bleed out beforehand.”

Shredder narrowed his eyes at the snake before nodding. “Very well, torture the turtle but not so much that the good doctor cannot perform his duties. You shall both have a chance to attain your goals. I do not care how long it takes, you will break him.”

“YOU AIN’T BREAKING SHIT!” Rap bellowed and Shredder laughed a little louder.

“We shall see. As I said, it can either be you or your brother but I _will_ get what I want in the end.” His tilted his head, the dim lights glittering off of his sharp helmet like stars. “Besides, I have all the time I need now that your younger brothers are the only ones standing in my way, them and that dying rat.”

Raph’s eyes bulged, he hadn’t even thought of Mikey or Donnie, now both alone that he and Leo were captured and, and how did Shredder know that Splinter was sick, a guess?

** _Shit, what are they gonna do!? They are all alone now… Arrrgh, FUCK!_ **

Shredder rolled his shoulders, this chat had gone better than he thought it would, he was pleased…

Perhaps Shi’s failure would turn out far more profitable than he imagined. If the scientist could perfect the formula for his plans and his soldiers secure the location of the other turtles he could take care of all of his present problems in one go.

“I am returning to my quarters, do not fail me.” He said sternly before walking towards the door and leaving the turtle to his men.

“Yes Master.” Both Shi and soldiers answered as he left.

Raph glared at those around him, his heart hammering as they in turn all spun on him. **_Fuck this…_**

“General, I will go prepare my lab, you have an hour with him and then you will bring him to me. Make sure he is conscious when he arrives.” Shi said simply and the other man growled.

“What makes you think I am going to listen to a single word you…” He never got to finish his furious retort as he suddenly found himself slammed against the far wall of the room with a hand tightly wrapped around his neck.

“Shredder may be my Master but do not think for a _moment_ that you are my _better._ I will not hesitate to bear his ire and rip your heart from your chest human… He can always find a new general but there is only _one_ me.” Gin Shi snarled into the man’s ear. “You have an hour, for now… After that, once I am done you may continue your interrogation and we will continue like this until we both get what we want, do you understand?”

The officer glared at him defiantly for a moment but as Shi’s other hand began to rise, reaching towards his chest as his nails extended sharply into claws the human paled under his mask and nodded. “I… Y-yes.._._” He choked out and Shi smiled.

“Wonderful, I am pleased we understand one another.” He said sweetly before letting go of the man and watching as he crumpled to the floor gasping and swearing quietly.

Shi straightened himself then, flattening his blood covered hair as he limped towards the door completely ignoring the death glare he was receiving from the turtle as he made his way to the lower decks of the ship back to where his makeshift lab was located. He needed to prepare.

……………………….

Raph watched the freak go, his heart hammering and blood boiling, he felt betrayed. Perhaps it was foolish to feel so, he should have known better than to trust a monster like Shi but… But realizing the shame he had put himself through was for _nothing, _that he had allowed himself to fall to that bastard’s will for _nothing_, that he had submitted to him _FOR NOTHING_, all of the rage that came with those realizations overpowered his earlier fear of the other mutant and now…

Now he just wanted to rip the fucker apart. **_I will get us out of here Leo, I swear. I will… I, I l-love you._**

A shadow approached him, the clearly embarrassed general striding up to him with a growl. “Where is your lair?” He asked and Raph almost laughed in his face.

“Fuck off.” He said instead, his body tensing for what he knew was coming and he exhaled just as the man cracked his fist against his head.

“Where is your _lair!?_” He asked louder and Raphael smiled.

“Fuck. Off.” He muttered again and this time the blow was to the center of his plastron and his body swayed with the forced.

“Where is your lair!?” The soldier said again as he raised his fist.

“Uhhh…” He had prepared for the blow so hadn’t completely lost all his breath this time, nor was this little guy nearly as strong as Shredder. “Uhhh, can’t… Can’t you change up the question now and then or is this gonna be i… UHHH!” Another punch, this one to his jaw and his teeth crashed together loudly.

**_Ok, that one hurt a little…_** He thought as he spit out the blood that filled his mouth. **_Musta broke a tooth._**

“Where is your LAIR!”

“Uuuugh fuck, you are the _worst _interrogator.” The turtle mocked with a chuckle and received a swift kick to his shin for the effort. **_Not one for comedy evidently._**

“WHERE IS YOUR LAIR!?”

“Uhhh, FUCK! Seriously!? Change up your material now and… Nnnng!” A kick right along his inner thigh, that shit _hurt, _and this time General Fuck Face didn’t stop there. A barrage of strikes suddenly assailed him, punches to his head, kicks to his torso, his legs… Over and over the attack continued until Raph was certain his plastron would be a shade of purple now, blood was pouring into one of his eyes, and his jaw felt numb…

“WHERE IS YOUR BASE!?”

“Uhhh, uhhh…” He was hurting now but it didn’t stop him from lifting his bleeding face and smiling proudly at the soldier. “W-Well d-done, see it a-ain’t so hard to change up y-your routine. G-Good for yo… ARRRGH!”

More fists and kicks, the man was clever about where he hit directing each blow to sensitive areas that would cause pain, some agony but none of it was fatal and he remained conscious through it all. He took his time in destroying Raph’s body and why wouldn’t he? Like Shredder said he had all the time in the world to get the answers he sought, days, weeks, months if necessary. With Raph and Leo captured his younger brothers now had no one, no one but Splinter to lead them, to help them and he could die at any…

** _Damnit… I, I should have told Mikey the truth about Splinter, Leo was right. Now they gotta face all this shit, the loss of Leo and me, Splinter’s sickness all alone, and what to do now because of it…Arrrgh! I, I gotta get us outta here! _ **

The abuse continued, never going further than flesh on flesh but, how long it would stay that way, Raph wasn’t sure. Shredder did have all the time he wanted but he had never been very good at maintaining patience for too long so, so he was certain the longer he kept his mouth shut and didn’t give the bastard what he wanted the more _insistent_ his jailers would become and their tactics might change.

He fell silent after a while, only grunts, or slight whines coming from him as he suffered through each attack and he soon his muddled, pain ridden thoughts turned to Leo. He wondered if his brother was going through the same as he was right now, if they were trying to beat the location of their home out of the smaller turtle and that thought just added to his coiled fury.

Anyone touching Leo had always infuriated Raphael but he had never really admitted it, hell it was the same for any of his brothers but Leo… Leo’s pain always burned a little hotter. It was a weakness almost, one that had him constantly looking for his brother as they fought, staying close when he noticed him waning… He was their leader after all and to lose him…

** _Poor Mikey and Donnie, what are they going through? What are they thinking or planning? I hope they don’t come looking for us. I will get out of here, one way or another I will._ **

“WHERE IS YOUR LAIR!?”

Raph sighed wetly, spitting out more blood as he remained silent. He was already exhausted, hadn’t eaten since yesterday morning and had vomited all that up… He was hungry, tired, beaten, sore, worried, scared for his family but he wouldn’t break.

Not now, not ever.

He would suffer what they planned for him, suffer and keep his mouth shut until he could find a way to escape, grab Leo, and run home. **_It’s my fault all this happened, me and my stupid actions and, like always, my family is suffering for it._**

The agonizing hour was up far quicker than he thought it would be. Perhaps that was because he had fallen into a mantra of sorts by the end there, one that helped him ignore the pain and he had just kind of swirled in this haze of thoughts… Like dreaming.

He didn’t even notice as they unstrapped the chain from the ceiling, not until he crumbled to the floor in a bloody bruised heap and he felt arms wrap under his shoulder as they dragged him to his next series of torture.

As his feet thumped along the ship’s paneled floors Raph smiled, so far he had handled his torture fairly well. He knew it wouldn’t always be so easy, soon there would be knives or whips, who knew, but he had always excelled when dealing with pain, at least on a physical level. When it came to a mental one, shit… He was already fucked up as it was so, yeaaah.

He did possess enough sense to scan around him as he was dragged and he found himself surprised at how large the docked ship actually was. **_S-shit… Like a, like a nazal vessel or sumting… Haha, nazal… Naval damnit._**

Ok, perhaps he wasn’t doing as well as he thought but with having had a concussion just the other day and his head being slammed into again and again he could forgive himself the weakness.

** _I wondering where they keep Leo… Gotta find him._ **

He groaned as he was dragged down deeper into the ship’s bowels, the men carrying his inert form grunting and complaining how heavy he was the entire time. **_Ha, pussies, serves ya right!_**

His mocking cheer ended though as they came to a particularly long flight of stairs and the men peered at each other, then at Raph before hauling him back a bit and just throwing him down them.

“Arrrrgh!” He cried out as he tumbled down each step, his already beaten form screaming, each muscle tightening as he tried to roll into a ball and protect himself… It was a fucking nightmarish ride, one that ended with him groaning in misery at the bottom and spitting out even more blood. **_F-Fuckers… Lazy ass fuckers…_**

Hands grasped at him again, his mind reeling and stomach bubbling sickly as he was once again hauled up and dragged onwards. **_Never stops…_**

Most of the journey was a blur, one he almost fell asleep through for its length and his throbbing brain but it was the sound of tears that broke through his clouded existence and he lifted his head to find that they were now in a hallway that had cages on both sides. **_Da fuck?_**

He shook his head, fighting to clear it as the sorrowful and far too young sobs grew louder and louder as they traveled. **_Cages, cages everywhere but I don’t see anyone inside… Not yet anyways._**

He continued to scan each holding cell, his heart hammering as he found evidence of previous occupants, either molded food or rumpled clothing but no one…

** _Of shit, there he is._ **

Finally, the last cage in the hall came into view and he peered inside as the Foot soldiers unlocked the large door in front of them. He gasped in awe and disgust as he found a little form curled up in one of the corners… It was a child, a mutant child he realized because of its obvious disfigurements but he couldn’t tell what kind of animal the little one had been forced into becoming.

**_He, he is all alone. _**Raph thought sadly, his heart going out to the kid and just as he was about to call out to him the large door opened and white light spilled over him, blinding his eyes just long enough to lose sight of the child as he was dragged forwards.

He growled as he again hauled up and chained to a hook in the ceiling, his shoulders burning terribly for the pressure replaced on them yet his discomfort quickly diminished as a wave of terror filled his heart when he finally looked around the room he was now in. **_Oh my god…_**

As the white left his vision a truly horrible sight greeted the young turtle and he had to remind himself to breath as he took in the horrors of his new torture chamber.

He was in a _lab_ per say, the huge space bright with lights yet, like everything on this ship, its walls were rusted and dark giving the hole scene a rather Silent Hill esc. feel to it. The only unbroken things in the lab were the numerous pieces of science equipment, all of which glimmered brightly, illustrating the great care and time that was obviously placed into them.

It seemed like whomever owned the equipment had nothing but _their care_ to worry about, and if it was the snake that maintained the lab Raph imagined that was a very clear assessment, weird ass fucker.

There were numerous medical beds, each adorned with chains at the head and foot of them. **_Lovely… _**There was also long counters set up, each covered with neatly organized medical equipment, sensors, flasks and chemistry sets. Some of the tools looked downright terrifying to the turtle and he quickly passed over them before finally settling his eyes on the far cleaner, less bloody visage of Gin Shi.

“Ahhh, right on time.” The snake noted happily as he peered at the computer screen that was in front of him. “You may leave, I have him now and will bring him up when I am finished.”

The two ninjas glanced at one another nervously. “General Gou said you had an hour… Sir.”

Shi smiled lightly, flashing his fangs as he peered around his computer at the apprehensive youths. “Did he now? Well if the general has any concerns please tell him he may come down here and address the issue himself.” He said kindly before turning back to his work.

The two soldiers hesitated for a moment before bowing and walking out of the lab without another word.

Now it was just Raphael and the snake.

The turtle remained silent as Shi worked, fighting against the panic that was slowly overtaking his fury. **_No, no don’t be scared. FUCK this MOTHERFUCKER! I ain’t gonna let him get to me! Let him do his worst, I gotta stay together so I can get me and Leo out of this nightmare!_**

He kept repeating that mantra as more and more time passed yet with every minute of silence, with every click of the keyboard, his resolve was faltering and the panic crept higher and higher from the hole he tried to banish it to as he contemplated just what was about to happen to him.

Finally, after what seemed an eternity of waiting the albino finally stood from his computer, rubbed at his bruised eyes and limped over to Raph.

** _Shit, don’t panic, don’t fucking give him that satisfaction!_ **

Gin Shi frowned as his eyes trailed along Raphael’s battered form. “Huh, they did far less damage than I suspected, perhaps testing out your pain tolerance.” He mused out loud and Raph growled at him.

“What the fuck do _you _what from me!?” He snarled, baring his teeth as he raged.

“Excellent question, one I answered in an abridged form yesterday but you were so out of it I imagine you don’t remember.” Shi answered sweetly.

“You lied to me!” Raph spat back, his fury and betrayal choking him. “You, you fucking used me and still you took him! Do you have no honor!? Even fucking Shredder has some honor!”

The snake barked out a laugh. “Ha! Shredder _honorable_? Perhaps once upon a time turtle, but his ongoing war with all of you and his constant failures are driving him down a much darker path these days.” Shi said bitterly before shaking his head. “Trust me, I know the levels of my Master’s growing darkness, more than most. Hell, I help him in that path every day.”

Raphael snorted in disgust. “Yeah, I saw the fucking kid! Do you get off on screwing with innocent children, you_ sick fuck_!?”

Shi titled his head, his violet eyes peering towards the lab’s door. “On the children no, not really. Technically I don’t enjoy anything, I just do what is needed of me.” He answered simply, delighting in the rumble of rage that came from the turtle. **_He cares about so much! How, how can he handle such levels of emotion like this? Is it not exhausting? Is this, is this how I used to be? So emboldened and passionate? _**

“You people are fucking sick, fucking_ filth_, and there ain’t no way you are going to get out of this in one piece.” Raph threatened yet, as always, the snake merely smiled at him before shrugging.

“Perhaps you are right. I imagine karma has it in for all of us but I would suggest if it wants to kill us that it should do it soon. I would prefer if it did.”

Raph gaped at the man. Did he seriously not give a fuck about anything!? “What the fuck are you man? I thought I had fucking problems but you, you are one twisted,_ heartless_ fuck.”

Shi chuckled at the turtle’s very accurate description. “That is indeed true but you… You are so very different than me, aren’t you?” He marveled, stepping closer to his prize, his pet and he smiled wider as the turtle tried to pull away.

“Stay the fuck away from me.” Raph warned, his voice not nearly as steady as he wanted it to be.

“For years I have struggled to create something as perfect as you and to see it, to see that it is possible, that such a blend is attainable it is just…” Shi’s throat tightened a bit, a trace of elation fleeting through his heart before it was gone again but, but for some reason this turtle, this demon pulled his long lost feelings from their void and he wanted more. **_He makes me feel things. I don’t know how or why but… But it is incredible._**

Raph flinched as the creature’s long white fingers began softly tracing patterns along his plastron, the nails retracted for now, something he was grateful for given all the new wounds that covered him.

“Uhhh, fuck! Stop it asshole, that hurts.” He hissed out as those digits ran over a particularly large bruise.

“Oh?” Shi asked innocently. “I have something that can help with that.” He stated before turning and walking over to some of the cupboards that hung from the easternmost wall.

“I don’t want _shit_ from you.” Raph growled, his fear rising as he watched the snake pull out a small container of something before walking back over to him.

“Oh stop being such a coward, it is simply a salve.” Shi explained as he opened the jar and dug his fingers inside. “Hold still or it will hurt.”

“DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME!” Raph screamed, his fear rising to a whole other level and he flailed in his chains.

“_Fool. _Fine, have it your way.” Shi grumbled as he roughly grabbed the turtle and began forcefully smearing the goo over his torso.

Raph shut his eyes, all of the terror he had felt from the last time this freak had touched him rising to the surface and he couldn’t breathe for it. **_No, no please… Please god. I can handle pain but, but THIS!? Please!? I gotta, I gotta save my family! I need ta stay sane to do that! Please!? I NEED TO SAVE LEO! Leo, and Mikey, Donnie… Father, father I am so sorry, I fucked up so badly._**

Shi scoffed as he continued to cover the turtle in the salve. **_Foolish turtle, one moment he can be so arrogant and the next so small and fearful… Such a fascinating array of feelings, it truly is incredible. I want to explore them all._**

Eventually Raph settled down a bit, half because he had no energy after all that had happened and half because he realized whatever the monster was coating him with wasn’t bringing him pain but taking it away. With every inch it covered him more and more of the agony that had filled his body fell away and a sigh escaped him unconsciously at the relief… **_I am so tired._**

“See? My aim is not to bring you pain pet…” Shi scolded the turtle as he relaxed. “Quite the opposite actually.”

Raph snarled at him. “I don’t want a-anything from you.” He mumbled wearily, though he couldn’t deny having every inch of his body _not_ screaming in pain at him was nice.

“I know, but you aren’t in the position to demand anything are you? Especially not with your brother in our grasp as well.” Shi reminded him smirking at the flash of panic that came over his pet.

“Fuck you.” The turtle grumbled miserably yet hung his head in defeat. **_Shit, they are going to use him, use Leo against me… I wonder if they are doing the same to him, using me as a way to control him? Oh man Leo… We are fucked aren’t we?_**

Shi finished his work, closing the jar before walking over to a small portable sink he had Shredder provide for him and washing his hands. “You love him, don’t you?” He asked over his shoulder and the growl that erupted from his prize was lovely.

“Don’t _you_ fucking talk about Leo.” Raph warned heatedly, his voice low and dark yet the snake laughed regardless.

“I meant no offense, I am just curious really. He… He seems to return that love as well, it is something that two freaks such as yourselves could find someone to love… Incredible really. Stirs a feeling of jealously in me I think, not much can do that but you and your mate...” Shi told him suggestively and the creature’s reaction was beautiful.

“YOU STAY AWAY FROM HIM, _FUCKER_!” Raph raged, his frame writhing in his chains as his heart thundered. “If… If I find out you touched him with your twisted hands I will rip you apart piece by _fucking _PIECE!”

“Oh, I have no interest in_ him_, I assure you.” Shi answered easily, effectively shocking the turtle into complete shocked silence.

“I… How c-can I believe that?” Raph stuttered out, his heart jumping with the idea that Leo might be spared this sicko’s fascination but dropping at the realization that it was _him_ the freak wanted.

“You can’t.” The snake answered with another shrug. “In fact, that you believed me in the first place shows a grave miscalculation and a special form of ignorance on your part.”

Raphael growled as a blush came over his face. “I was raised to believe even enemies could maintain some honor.” He answered quietly.

The snake scoffed. “Then whoever raised you was an idiot.”

Raph saw _red_. “Don’t you fucking _dare_ insult my father you _arrogant_ little_ shit_!” He hissed through clenched teeth. “He is the best fucking person I have ever known and in his prime he would take some punk ass prick like you and…”

“You are so touchy about your family.” Shi interrupted as he walked back to the fuming turtle. “How do you handle all of those emotions all the time? It must be quite the task to do so.”

Raph blinked at him, his rage still boiling at the back of his throat. “Ta some unfeeling dick it might be hard to understand but ta everybody else this shit makes sense.” He mumbled, the fear again crawling up his spine as the man moved closer.

“You fascinate me Raphael, you truly do. You have such passion, such rage within you it, it is truly stunning.”

The turtle wanted to laugh at him. **_Stunning!? My rage ain’t stunning, it is a fucking nightmare! It is the whole reason I got everybody in this mess in the first place. Stupid fuck…_**

“Whatever freak.” He grated out, his hunger and exhaustion warring with his rage and fear… He was so, SO tired. “Just do whatever it is you are gonna do and get it over with.” He said dejectedly though his heart did skip for the flash of excitement that suddenly filled the snake’s eyes.

“Of course, forgive me for keeping you waiting.” Shi said sweetly before licking his lips and thrusting his head forwards.

“NOOOO!” Raph screamed, a sob escaping him as those far too familiar fangs dug deep into his thigh. **_Ohhh no! NO! Not again! DAMNIT!_**

Shi smiled as he worked through his glands, making sure to inject the right amount of venom from the correct source before he pulled back. “So, today is more of a test than anything. Much like the soldiers tested out your strength and resilience to pain I shall be exploring your body and learning to read it and exploit its weaknesses for the next time I see you.”

“N-Next time?” Raphael groaned and Shi smiled.

“Yes, as I understand it the General and I will take our turns with you until success in our endeavors has been achieved.” A broken whimper was all that answered him and Shi peered up to find the turtle looking absolutely miserable. “My aim in all of this shall be to extract numerous blood and semen samples from you for my research. The blood shall be easy enough to obtain but the reproductive fluid well I imagine that will take some work…”

The turtle growled at him. “You, you r-really are s-sick.”

Shi chuckled. “Perhaps, but also logical. I need your genetic makeup and why stop at blood? If I can break the secret I will use whatever I need to.”

Raph swallowed hard as he wondered what that could mean for him in the future. What if blood and… Well what if they weren’t enough, would he begin to dig deeper taking examples from his skin, organs, bones? **_Holy shit man, what the fuck have I gotten myself into?_**

The snake yawned, evidently unaware of just how terrified his last statement made his prize as he continued. “Anyways, you obviously wouldn’t get very_ aroused_ without the aid of my venom, and I cannot use it if I want to collect _viable _examples as it would taint your genetic marks, so I need to find your weak points first, thus the tests today.”

Again all he received was a defeated groan and he smiled as he began rubbing along the turtle’s plastron. “BUT, unlike my fellow members of the Foot I assure you, you will feel no pain from my tests, not physically anyways. Mentally, well… Given your seemingly innocent ignorance and prudish behavior I imagine being forced to cum for me may leave some scars… It shall be exciting to see regardless.”

“F-fuck y-you.” Raph mumbled weakly, hating as his body began to heat up and grow more and more sensitive. **_Just let him do it, the sick fuck. Get through this and then, then begin working on a plan! I am gonna get us out of this nightmare Leo, I swear to you!_**

Shi growled hungrily as the turtle’s wonderfully sweet scent of arousal filled the room, his own body trembling with excitement. **_He, he brings out so much in me! Feelings I have only dreamed of, longed for, for so long! How!? How does he inspire these desires? How does he break through the apathy? I… I must know!_**

He didn’t have the answers yet but, but with every moment he spent with the turtle a little more of himself came back. No, it wasn’t what he used to be, he was too broken, too _used_ to get that back now but to feel, to truly FEEL something again was… It was like giving air to a drowning man, it was consuming, maddening and nothing, _nothing_ would take his pet from him…

His pet, his demon.

“Uhhhhh… F-Fuuuuck…” Raph cried mournfully, his eyes burning as his body reacted to the drug inside of him, it seemed far more powerful than last time and the freak didn’t even have to coax his shaft out of hiding this time. No, instead it grew, the muscle filling with blood quickly, eagerly and he was helpless to stop it.

“There it is.” Shi whispered in wonder as he watched the long, thick member slowly slide from its sheath, its tip dripping heavily with pre-cum. “_Beautiful_, now… Time to see what makes you tick but, first...” He went over to one of his drawers and grabbed something as his prize moaned miserably in the background.

Raphael kept his eyes shut, his head hung low as he willed the world away. Again he felt small, he felt weak, and so very,_ very_ ashamed. He understood that the venom was the cause of his arousal, the cause of his excitement but if what the monster said was true, after today it would be just _him_ reacting, just him moaning and giving himself over to this mad man and that… That terrified him.

** _Ignore it, ignore it and focus on escaping, focus on saving Leo and helping your family. Donnie and Mikey must be so scared…_ **

** _I am so scared._ **

** _So, so fucking scared._ **

A tear slowly slid form one of his eyes, the liquid creating a cool path as it worked its way down his cheek, moving along his jaw line and dropping just at the tip of his chin. **_I am s-so w-weak…_**

“Don’t cry pet, you will learn to enjoy it.”

Raph shivered as a hand grabbed his erection, each fingertip feeling electric against his skin and a small moan escaped him. “Mmmm…” That was until something cold and hard was slipped around it and his eyes flew open to stare in horror as the snake slid something like a ring around his dick.

Shi caught his horrified expression and smiled. “This is to insure that you do not cum until my test is done. As I said, you seem rather new at all of this and your inexperience along with my venom well… Can’t have you finishing the experiment before it has really started, can we?”

“I h-hate you.” Raph hissed through clenched teeth and Shi shivered from the fury in his eyes.

“Yes, I imagine you do and it is mesmerizing to watch.” The snake answered him and the turtle shook his head dejectedly.

** _Fucker is c-crazy. How d-do you r-reason with a mad man?_ **

Shi smiled broadly as another whimper unwittingly escaped his prize. It was clear Raphael was trying to fight against the venom that now coursed through his veins, and that too was exciting to watch even if it were futile. **_Soon he will be giving me those sounds without needing to be drugged… I, I will have him, all of him. His passion shall be mine…_**

He rubbed the twitching length slowly and his prize jerked.

** _His pleasure will be mine…_ **

Raphael whimpered louder, his head falling back and mouth opening as he gasped for air.

** _His body will be mine…_ **

The turtle’s hips began to rock forwards, his control falling further and further back and with it his fear, even his shame was evidently beginning to dissipate as his voice grew louder and louder.

** _Everything, everything you are is now mine…_ **

“Uhhh… Raphael, you are stunning.” Shi whispered huskily, his own length hardening beneath the folds of cloth that covered him yet he ignored his own needs for now. He needed to study, he needed to observe for the next time he had this turtle under him he wanted to know every weakness he had. He wanted to know every spot that made him fall, made him _break_, every spot that would eventually make him submit to Shi naturally. **_He is glorious…_**

His fingers roamed over deep green flesh, tracing over jagged scars and the smooth flesh between, they scratched along his pet’s plastron and shell, surprised when the turtle moaned raggedly as he dipped them into the opening right behind his neck and massaged the muscle there. **_One spot…_**

He continued his discovery, his digits bumping up along the thick and clenching muscles of the turtle’s arms only stopping as Raphael whined at the band around his elbow. **_Hmmm, he seems to have a spot there but…_**

“Let’s get rid of these, yes?” He murmured, the drugged turtle merely moaning incoherently in response and Shi chuckled. **_Seems I chose well in the amount of venom I injected._**

He had made sure the potency was very high this time as the turtle no longer had a concussion and he wanted quick/ clear responses to what could excite his prize. It seemed that not only were the responses blaringly clear but the turtle was so out of it that his shame and sorrow didn’t impede his study, hell he wasn’t even crying anymore.

** _Hmmm, those emotions are something I will have to contend with next time and there will be no venom to help. How to deal with that? How do I open him up to be more comfortable with me?_ **

He thought, a little bitterly, of his pet’s mate. He thought of how softly he had spoken when he found him, how gentle he had been with the beast of a brother he had and how Raph seemed instantly subdued by his actions… Could he recreate such an environment for his prize?

He may not have much in the way of compassion but he could lie easily enough and, would it be a complete lie?

**_Not really… _**He answered the question easily, again surprised at how deeply this turtle could affect him. **_Hmmm, I suppose I must be careful as well. I do not need my interest in this beast hindering my ultimate goal of being free of Shredder. He shall be forfeit before I allow myself to lose sight of my goal, I am running out of time as it is!_**

Shi shook his head, focusing back on the task at hand.

Slowly and unknown to Raphael the scientist stepped away from his whimpering pet looking through his tools until he found a long knife… Not only would he strip the turtle of his freewill but anything that identified him, that reminded him of his past life. **_I will find a way to get him to open up to me. He is mine now and even he must recognize that, recognize it and accept it freely._**

He returned then and carefully began to strip the mutant of anything he wore. He cut at the wrist bands, the elbow pads, knee pads, anything that was from his past life and finally came to the turtle’s mask.

“You are mine now, Demon.” He said to his prize, not as an object but as a_ name_ and he gingerly encircled the knot at the back of the turtle’s head and lifted the blade and that, _that_ was what woke Raphael from his blurred slumber.

Raphael had been floating, floating in this ocean of heat, of need, of comfort… Everything had felt soft and yet burned, every touch soothed and yet scorched him, all of it going right to his groin until his mask was grabbed and a strange icy cold replaced the heat.

**_Wh-what? _**He opened his eyes, their amber light growing dim as he found two violet, slitted eyes staring back at him.

“Hold still.” The snake whispered and Raph inhaled raggedly as cool metal slipped along the back of his head.

** _What, what the f-fuck is he… My mask? What is he doing!?_ **

There was a pressure at the back of his head, the distinct tearing of cloth, the _sheeek_ of metal sliding against metal and then… His mask fell away.

“N-No…” He whimpered in horrified shock, his eyes wide and heart thundering as the fabric fluttered down between them and landed softly on the floor…

He had never been exposed like this in front of an enemy.

Never.

“I… My... My m-mask…” He whispered, his voice was so quiet, so broken sounding…

“You are not theirs anymore Demon, you are mine.”

Raphael’s eyes filled with tears, his panic growing as he finally noticed how_ everything_ had been stripped from him; his belts, harnesses, wraps… He was exposed, he was bare, he was naked…

Yes, he and his brothers never wore much for clothing, unless they needed to disguise themselves from the humans. It was only when they were _alone _and_ safe _in their home that they would ‘disrobe’ but… But to have it forced upon him when he was on the outside… His, his gear was everything to him out here!

Every piece he wore when he fought was sacred to him and his brother’s. It defined them, it defined their mission, their pledge to stand for the weak, to fight even if the world hated and feared them…

Splinter had said what they wore was a sign, a symbol of how… How even if they were an anomaly in this world, even if they were shunned and scorned by its occupants and those they saved they… They were still a part of it!

So they used human gear, ancient Japanese bindings and weapons as a way to connect, to merge with the world around them and… And to have that stripped away _here, _here where he was already so weak, where he was already so frightened it, it just left _him_…

Him; a mutant, a _freak _that belonged nowhere! One that was a nuisance to his family, a beast that people screamed in horror at, one people ran from, one that was cursed from birth, a being that was small, that was exposed and, and so wrong for this world.

Shi watched in humbled awe as the turtle crumbled before him, that one simple act evidently having far deeper consequences then he could have ever imagined and he reveled in the wave of emotions that passed over the turtle’s face. **_Just what has that done to you pet, I wonder?_**

Raphael lowered his head, his eyes burning terribly as he fought to keep from shaking… He was terrified. His body wasn’t his right now, his mind was in tatters, his family in pain, he felt terribly exposed, and he… He was so _fucking_ helpless!

** _L-Leo… Leo I n-need you… I, I was wrong… I don’t, I don’t know if I can save us! I don’t… I am not as strong as you. I a-act tough but you, YOU KNOW! I… I am weak…_ **

“Shhh, I have you. Everything will be alright.”

A soft voice, a hated voice and yet it did seem to resonate with him and the far too young, far too inexperienced turtle lifted his eyes to its source.

He was shaking, terribly now and tears dripped from his eyes. He didn’t feel brave or angry, just terrified and alone. Last night he had thought he had never felt so small… How foolish he had been because now, now so much more was stripped from him.

Here he was naked, starving, his body an array of blues and backs from his earlier beating, his blood felt like it was on fire, some stranger was caressing him like, like a tool and he, he didn’t know where Raphael was right now.

Again something fractured deep inside him, the cracks larger now and gaps widening and he couldn’t stop them. He may have acted tough most of his life, acted like he knew what was going on, how to _face_ things but in reality, he was just an eighteen year old kid!

A teenage kid that had _fought_ his entire life away instead of living it! One that knew he was strong on the outside through training, lessons, and such but, but on the inside he was an emotional wreck!

He constantly struggled with being so different, not just from the world around him but within his own family...

He, he didn’t belong ANYWHERE! He had no safe space except when he was alone and he would rage there, he would scream, bellow, throw things but, but then collapse…

Collapse into sobbing tears because though he had his demon to protect him in his storms the_ core_ of those storms, the _reason _for them came from how lost he felt all the time.

How lost, how alone, how hated, how wrong… That is why he raged, that is why he fought when a storm hit him, instead of allowing himself to be swallowed by its darkness he filled that space with fury and lashed out but now…

Now he couldn’t fight.

In one of the worst storms in his life all he could do was hang there helplessly as the void, the darkness sucked him in deeper and deeper.

He felt like he was drowning.

“I have you, shhh…”

That silvery voice again, it was warm and soft, nearly as soft as the finger tips that caressed him, the same ones that had taken the pain away before now and, and Raph found himself longing for that familiar comfort.

“I… I am s-scared…” He admitted brokenly, tears now streaming down his face and the snake nodded.

“I know, but there is nothing to fear from me.”

Raph’s body hitched, a tremor starting first in his arms and then moving down all along his frame. His fear, as well as the damning_, consuming_ heat coiled together in the center of him. It was powerful, mind numbing, confusing, and he fell beneath its strength… **_I… I don’t know what, what to th-think…_**

“H-Help?” He begged, uncertain what he was pleading for but he knew his heart hurt too much, his mind was spinning too fast and he needed something to hold to before he lost himself to the storm that raged within him. **_It, it is too dark… Too dark…_**

“I am here.” Shi whispered to him, his smile bright as he moved closer and as their bodies touched his pet let out a mournful, lustful cry… And it was splendid.

“Let your Master guide you pet. Don’t think, just feel, give yourself the bliss of simplicity. You are safe with me.” Shi said gently and Raph whimpered at the request.

“S-safe?” Raphael muttered brokenly, his heart skipping at the thought. Could it be true? Could he actually be safe? He wanted to believe it, he felt so vulnerable right now, so out of control. Perhaps relying on another wouldn’t be a bad thing just, just as he did with Leo.

“M-Master… Master h-help?” He begged, something in the back of his mind _screaming_ at him that this was _wrong_, that he had no Master, that he needed to snap out of this haze but… But as a soft hand encircled his shaft and lips began to kiss along his neck all those doubts floated away.

“Good boy…”

Raphael crumbled.

“You are such a beautiful, amazing creature. I am so proud of you.”

**_Proud? Proud of me? _**Raphael wondered with tears in his eyes. **_No one is ever proud of me, not even me._**

“You have done so well.”

**_I… I have? I, I haven’t hurt anyone? I always hurt people. _**He sobbed in joy.

“So stunning, so wonderful… Give yourself to me.”

**_Stunning? Wonderful? You, you aren’t afraid? Why, why aren’t you afraid of me? Everybody is afraid of me even… Even Leo sometimes. _**That shattered something deep, that thought adding to his muddled fearful confusion but… But it was true wasn’t it? Even Leo had cried because of him… He was a monster to everyone.

Everyone but the equally monstrous being before him.

** _Am, am I like him? Is, is that why he isn’t s-scared?_ **

“That’s it. You are safe beast, I have you my Demon, let everything else fall away.” Shi whispered and Raph whimpered.

** _S-Safe… _ **

He groaned unconsciously, his muscles releasing in their terror ridden anxiety and he finally allowed himself to relax.

** _S-safe… No pain, just pleasure…_ **

His hips began to move, slowly at first but with each pass through the man’s hand he felt more and more heat ripple up through him and it replaced the icy cold of fear wonderfully. He began to move faster then, his eyes hazily watching as his thick wet head slipped in and out of view of the fist around it…

He had never seen anything like this before.

“Look at how beautiful you are.”

Raph blinked in confusion, his hazy head lifting to find the albino looking at him so sweetly, longingly even, it was such a different visage from the dark empty mask of the man that had beat him earlier, or the sharp jagged steel from Shredder.

** _He, he was beaten t-too…_ **

He noticed the bruises under the snake’s eyes, the broken lip, cut forehead… Shi was beaten too, just like him.

“Mm s-sorry.”

Shi froze at the quiet words that suddenly fell from his pet’s broken lips. **_What did he say?_**

He frowned at the turtle, not at all understanding why he would apologize when Raph smiled sadly at him.

“Mmm s-sorry p-people h-hurt you too.” Raph slurred out, his clouded eyes blinking as he tried to focus on the other creature’s face but between the heat and exhaustion everything just seemed too hard to focus on.

Shi exhaled, his heart thundering oddly at the beast’s words. “It is the way of life, is it not?” He asked, keeping his voice under control as a short wave of agony tore through him but, it passed as quickly as ever.

“Sh-shouldn’t b-be… No…” Raph answered him before gasping and thrusting forwards again. “Uhhh…”

Shi looked away for a moment, his apathy had returned but the echo of the pain that had filled him just for a second was still fresh in his memory. **_Why, why did that hurt so much? Arrgh, focus. You are getting lost, remember what this is truly all about._**

He smiled then and tightened his fist. “Let’s try another spot shall we? I have already found so many but this one… This one truly intrigues me.”

Raph merely mumbled incoherently at his request, his focus solely on the amazing friction that continued to roll up and down his shaft when he yelped in surprise as something touched him just under his tail. **_Unnn, what… What is…_**

“Ohhh, you are so wet.” Shi moaned as he kissed along the turtle’s neck yet his hand was still holding the back of Raph’s head and the other one was wrapped around his dick so what was…

**_His tail! _**The turtle realized, a little nervously as he recalled that yes, it was thin at its tip but got much thicker as it went up.

“Shhh…” Shi hushed him as a worried whine came from the turtle. “I won’t go too far.” Was all the warning Raph got before he felt the pressure at his puckered entrance grow, almost painfully so before the flesh gave way and something slipped inside.

“UHHHHH! FUCK!” He yelled, his back arching and chains jingling as he was entered. **_It hurts! It hurts so fucking BAD!_**

“Relax your muscles, it won’t hurt so much that way.” Shi promised him and Raph just panted and jerked in response, it was clear he was close to panicking again.

**_Hmm, perhaps I didn’t give him enough venom… _**The snake pondered and lowered his head to the turtle’s neck before biting him once more and adding just a little more to his system.

Raph’s head flew back, between the pain that flared up his back, the hand that was wrapped around his dick, and now the bite he felt like he was losing it.

Pain and pleasure melded together, the separate sensations racking against one another, fighting for superiority over his hazed consciousness, it was incredible.

“Unnnn, y-yes…” He moaned, delighting in the warring sensations and Shi chuckled against his bleeding throat.

He pulled his fangs away, lapping at the blood that escaped hungrily. “So you like a little pain then?” He asked huskily and the turtle mumbled incoherently in response. Shi smiled, extending the claws on the hand that held the turtle’s head before gently scrapping them against the area just inside of his pet’s shell.

“UHHHH! Uhhh, Uhhhhgh…” Raph’s head twisted this way and that, his hips eagerly pounding against the hand before him as he felt his climax grow closer and closer and just as it built to completion he screamed as the ring around his cock seemed to tighten and.. And everything was halted.

“ARRRRRGH! W-why!?” He growled angrily, his head falling as he stared at that wretched ring furiously.

“Not yet pet… Not yet.” Shi said quietly, enjoying the spirit that had come back into the turtle. No longer was he crying and scared, no now he was hungry for his the attention Shi was giving him, longing for it, growling for it.

“Uhhh, f-fuck!” Rap cried, his balls aching terribly at his halted climax yet his despair fell away as the tail inside him slowly wiggled its way deeper and he moaned raggedly as each inch of its journey inside him brought not only pain but pleasure. **_Uhh, uhhh f-fuck. It, it is so th-thick… Thick, nn wet, nnn oh shit it is twisting!_**

He jerked with every roll of the long limb, his hole eagerly eating it up as liquid dripped from his entrance and slid down along its length.

“Hmmm, I thought you might like that.” Shi muttered, his hand moving faster in its stroke and lips nibbling along the turtle’s neck.

“UHHHH! P-Please! Please!” Raph pleaded loudly, his back arching as the snake scratched him again but this time the wounds were deeper and went from his elbow to his shoulder.

“Please what pet?” Shi asked huskily before lifting his head and licking at the wounds he had created.

“UHHHH! F-Fuck… Fuck… Please, please M-Master? Lemme, lemme c-cum?” Raph asked, his need taking over any pride he may have still retained but, but that was fine. With pride came duties, with duties came responsibility, with responsibility came reality and honestly, he had no desire to face the chilling reality of this whole situation…. Not now.

He had been in pain, had been terrified, lost, abused, ashamed, disgusted with himself, guilt ridden, helpless, and lost far too often recently and here, right now, he was none of those things.

It was only pleasure here.

“Mmmm, good boy.” Shi mumbled against his neck. “Very well, I suppose I have learned enough and you have been so very good for me.”

Raphael cheered at the words, not only because of the promise of release but, but the praise made his broken heart sing. **_I, I did something good… Something right for once._**

Oddly, that thought also broke something inside the turtle, those cracks ever growing and it seemed the more ground he lost the less ruined he felt. He had been fighting these breaks for so long and to have them forced upon him was, was oddly freeing, at least to his clouded, drugged mind…

Was it so bad to shatter inside?

He had never been good at keeping himself together anyways so… So maybe.

The tail inside him dug deeper, the thick appendage rolling and twisting when it suddenly hit a plump spot of tissue and Raphael screamed.

“AHHHHHHHHH!” He bellowed, the surge of fire that came from that little spot blinding him in its intensity and his Master smiled.

“There it is…” He mumbled before releasing the shaft in his hand and tugging at the ring. “If you promise to not cum for a little longer I will show you something truly magnificent Demon.”

**_B-Better than dis? _**Raph nearly gaped at the snake yet he was afraid he might drool if he did so so instead he just nodded and clenched his teeth. **_D-Don’t cum, not yet… B-Better c-coming…_**

Shi nodded proudly, his digits tightening around the ring before slipping it off and he was surprised as the turtle kept his word. “Good boy, now your reward.”

The beast stared blearily as the snake moved in front of him, groaning a bit when the tail in his backside moved as he did, but it never slipped out. **_Was… Wass he d-doing?_**

Shi smiled as he fell to a knee, his eyes on Raph’s as the turtle’s suddenly bulged. “Such a good boy.” He whispered before taking the thick, dripping shaft in his hand once more and bringing it to his lips.

The world had stopped for Raph, his breath stuck in his lungs, his throat a tightened tunnel, and heart frozen. **_He, he is gunna… Gonna…_**

It took _everything_ he had not to blow his load the moment that forked tongue slipped out of Shi’s lips and ever so gently slid across the slitted tip of his cock, luckily the only thing that erupted from him was a wild and savage sounding roar.

“AAAARRRRRRGH FUUUUCK!”

Shi laughed, moving his incredibly long tongue up and down the twitching muscle as his tail slowly worked its way in and out of the turtle’s sopping hole. “You are delicious.”

Raph whimpered at his words, the duel sensations making it hard to see much less speak. “P-Please…” He begged, his hips jerking forwards and he lusted for more of that wet heat to envelop him.

He had heard of such things that were happening to him, dreamt of them with Leo but… **_Uhh… L-Leo. _**A sliver of cold slithered through his heart at the thought of his brother and with it a swarm of darkness…

**_No, no don tink! No thinking! Jus, just f-feel… _**He thought as he pushed everything away, even Leo… For now at least, he could break later… He could punish himself later but now, now he didn’t want any more pain. Not that kind.

When the mutant before him opened his mouth and slowly pressed the head of Raphael’s cock past the wet lips all of his doubts fled anyways.

“Uuuhhhh, uhhh, M-Master! Uhhh…” Random weird noises were coming from the turtle now, his head falling back as he gave himself over to his Master completely and Shi cheered internally at his victory.

**_He has fallen, fallen beautifully… _**He thought as he wrapped his tongue around the thick shaft inside of him and began to massage it all the while wiggling his tail against the turtle’s plump and aching prostate, he knew it wouldn’t be long now.

Raph knew it too, especially as the head between his thighs began to bob back and forth faster, the tail inside him twisting and writhing like some freaking insane tentacle. The air was filled with wet slurping noises, the scent of arousal heavy, and he… He lost himself to all of it.

“Uhhh, uhh… More! F-Faster, harder! Arrrgh, ffff-fucking _harder_!” He screamed, and Shi smirked as he followed his pet’s request.

He wasn’t overly concerned that the turtle didn’t call him Master consistently but he would teach him, he would teach him everything.

His tail moved in deeper, the youth crying out as pain tore through his backside but it was quickly replaced with agonizingly wonderful bliss as Shi raked his fangs along his shaft. Both sensations were coming faster now, the sucking at the front and thrusting in the back.

“Uh, uh, uhnnnnnnnggg…” Raph’s body writhed between the tail and head that consumed him, his heat building hotter and hotter, his breath escaping him in ragged gasps. He felt wild, crazed with this heat, this charge and suddenly it grew to a boiling point and…

“ARRRRRRRRRGH!” He roared, his back arching forcing his dick far deeper into the snake’s mouth, almost down his throat as his ass clenched hard around its invader and he came _hard. **OHHHHH FUUUUUCK YES!**_

Shi choked a bit as the turtle’s thick length suddenly jammed against the back of his throat, his eyes filling with tears yet he quickly recovered as load after load of the turtle’s nectar poured down his thoat. **_He is delicious…_**

He swallowed eagerly, his eyes lifting and he reveled in the look of absolute bliss he found on the turtle’s face as he came down from his intense release. **_I do not think I have ever seen him so at peace._**

Raphael was indeed at peace, his body hanging limply in the chains that held him and he gasped for breath and his heart thundered, basking numbly in the tingling glory of after climax. He felt incredible, so much so his eyes burned… He had not felt this good, this at ease in so, so very long and that… That thought crushed him.

He had just been raped and, and at the end found more peace there than, than he had in years?

What the fuck was wrong with him?

What the fuck…

What tHe fUcK!?

Tears filled his eyes; some forming out of the pure bliss he had felt and others, others from the steadily growing weight of disgust and despair that was overtaking his heart… **_What, what is w-wrong w-with m-me?_**

A few drips spilled out from under his clenched eyelids, each of them rolling down his bruised and blood covered cheeks. **_I.. Oh gods I… I didn’t w-want this s-so why… Whyyyy?_**

Shi was startled when a drip of wetness hit his forehead and he pulled himself off of the turtle’s now receding member to look up and find a very different expression on his pet’s face. It was one he recognized clearly as he had seen it on his test subjects so often and, and once upon a time seen it in his own reflection… **_He is beginning to break._**

He wiped his mouth as he stood, pulling his tail out of the warm cavern it was so tightly planted in and a mournful, ragged cry came from the creature before him.

“Ohhhh f-fuck… Fuck…” The tears came faster now, his amber orbs burning nearly as hot as his body had just been.

What would his family think of him now?

What would Donnie think?

Mikey?

Ohhh fuck, his father…

** _Leo…_ **

He had enjoyed it, he had begged for it, and he… He just felt sick.

“Ohhhhhh fuuUUUUUUCCCK!” He bellowed as a sob broke from his aching throat, the shame tearing deep inside him, ravaging what little pride he had, what little self-esteem… He was nothing! Nothing but filth, this vile, disgusting piece of shit that wasn’t worth FUCK NOW!

HE HAD ENJOYED IT, AGAAAIN! He had cried out for it, pleaded for more, he… He…

A hand suddenly cupped his cheek, a soft finger wiping at his tears and Raph looked up to find his captor, his fucking MASTER looking at him _proudly._

“Well done.” Was all the snake said, two simple praising words and his pet lost it.

Fire raged through Raph, his anger, shame, guilt, disgust, all coming to a head and he screamed! “ARRRRRGH! FUCK YOOOOU! FUUUUCK… FUUUUUCK!” He flailed in his chains, the steel cutting into his now exposed wrists so tightly they bled and he fed off that pain. “You, you sick FUCK! LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MEEE! Look at what you TURNED ME INTO! FUUUUCK!”

Shi titled his head, watching as the creature raged. “I did nothing but give you pleasure pet and you seemed to enjoy it.”

“CAUSE YOU FUCKING DRUGGED ME!” Raph shrieked back at him, the blood from his wrists dripping down to his head and mixing with his tears.

“Yes, today I did, but tell me… Next time, it will be without my venom and,” He stepped closer bringing his face just inches from the turtle’s seething expression. “And who will you have to blame when you cum then?” He asked, his voice quiet and calm and so fucking sure sounding.

Raph stopped in his struggling, the monster’s question like ice water being poured down his back and he found, he was terrified to answer it… Or more appropriately, he was terrified of the answer he feared would come to pass.

Shi smiled at him, rubbing away more tears as he nodded. “Exactly so, either get over your shame now or be destroyed by it later. The level of your destruction, in all of this, depends on you.”

Raph stared at him, his eyes wide and mouth hung open yet no breath came out… He knew Shi was right. These monsters were ordered to break him and, and they would try to do just that! He knew that so… So it wasn’t their fault if he broke, they were aiming for it, no… No it would be _his fault_ if he let them break him.

“F-Fuck all of you.” He whispered brokenly. “I, I ain’t g-gonna break.”

The snake hummed thoughtfully before a sad smile lifted on his face. “The process has already begun my Demon, but there is still hope for you, maybe… And with that said it is time to continue your trials elsewhere.”

“Wh-what?” Raphael stuttered out, his voice low and gravelly.

“The General is waiting for you now, and when he is done you will return to me. Remember?”

A strangled gasp finally escaped the prison of his lungs and Raphael hung his head in despair. **_They, they ain’t gonna s-stop… Not one… Not one fucking minute…_**

He closed his eyes wallowing in his misery as Shi unchained him and picked him up… And he just let him.

“You have a few moments to sleep before your torture resumes, I suggest you take it.” The snake said gently and the turtle sobbed in his arms.

**_M-Moments… _**He thought bitterly but as he was cradled and the swaying motion of walking began despite all the horrors he had face and was moving towards the young Hamato found himself leaning into the arms that held him and darkness filling his tattered mind.

Just before the bliss of unconsciousness took him a flash of Leo’s face fleeted through his thoughts and the younger turtle whimpered. **_Leo… I, I hope they aren’t hurting you like this. I… I love you, please, please be strong for me and I, I will try, for you._**

** _I won’t break… _ **

** _I w-won’t…_ **

** _Please god, don’t let me break._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh just a note, next chapter we catch up with Leo and those guys... See how they are fairing with the other mutants and, the loss of Raph. Some sniffles of sadness shall ensue.


	8. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter one, but one that bleeds into the core of what has led Leo and Raph to one another... A memory of them, there will be more. Sorry for errors, more to come! :)

_“Raphie, why are you crying?”_

_A seven year old Raphael lifted his head, scrubbing away his tears as he glowered at his older, but much smaller brother. “I ain’t.” He grumbled angrily but immediately sniffled and ruined what he had thought was a perfectly good lie._

_Leo sighed, his tiny hands rubbing behind his head before he walked closer to the larger turtle. “Can I sit?”_

_“No.” The younger Hamato grumbled, crossing his arms dismissively._

_Leonardo rolled his eyes. “Do you want me to leave then?”_

_The two brothers stared each other down, one glaring with tear stained eyes as the other waited patiently for what he knew was going to come next._

_.._

_…_

_It always took a minute with Raph._

_…._

_“No...” Raph admitted, his voice far less vengeful than before and he hung his head in defeat._

_“Shooch over?” Leo asked softly, knowing if he ever pointed out that he knew how well Raphie operated his brother would make a point to send him away every time after that._

_Raph scooted his butt over a bit, giving his brother the dryer, more comfortable side of the piece of wood he was sitting on. Something else Raph always did, but would never admit._

_For a moment the two young brothers sat in silence, the larger one sniffing now and then but at least he had stopped crying, he always stopped crying with Leo... Well, most of the time._

_“Donnie said he hated me.” Raph finally said, his chin resting on his knees that were pulled tightly to his chest._

_Leo was quiet for a moment his little legs kicking in the water at his feet. “Well, you did smash his project Raphie but, but you know he doesn’t actually hate you, right?”_

_Another sniffle. “It was an accident.” _

_The elder brother peered at him flatly. “Raphael… You got angry. You got angry because he wouldn’t wrestle with you so you broke his stuff. That isn’t very nice.”_

_“NOBODY wrestles with me! Everybody says I am too big!” The larger turtle exclaimed angrily._

_“And rough.” Leo added and Raph glared at him._

_“Am not.” A muffled retort as his head sunk lower and another sniffle escaped him._

_Leo shook his head before raising his arm, wrapping it around his brother’s neck and pulling him close. “He doesn’t hate you Raphie, no one does.”_

_The larger turtle grunted but leaned into the warmth of his brother, as he always did. “Leo, I think something is wrong with me.” He whispered, his voice so quiet Leonardo almost didn’t hear it over the traffic above the sewer._

_“Nothing is wrong with you Raph you just, you just get angry a whole bunch.” Leo insisted but it didn’t seem to help the younger turtle much and he just sunk lower into his shell._

_“Sometimes I wish I could hide… Sometimes I wish I could hide in my shell and never ever come out but… But I would s-still b-be there.” Raph said quietly his body hitching before tears began to fall and he buried his head completely in his arms._

_“Raphie…” Leo started, his heart aching for his brother as he began to weep. “You don’t have to hide from us…”_

_“I, I’m not!” The larger turtle cried angrily. “I’m h-hiding f-from m-me.” Raphael finished, his voice breaking as he sobbed, his little mournful cries echoing through the tunnel like a tragic melody._

_Leo held his brother close, his small hand rubbing the top of his brother’s head as he tried to find the right words. “Raphie… I love you, you know that right?”_

_The younger turtle didn’t say anything but Leo did feel a slight nod under his palm._

_“I love you, father loves you, Mikey, and even Donnie does… You might get angry, you have your storms but, but you are a good inside.”_

_“Nu uh… B-bad inside.” Little Raph retorted with a hiccupped cry._

_Leo scoffed, his mind racing before he lifted his arm from his brother’s shoulders and crawled in front of him. “Ok, we are gonna do a test!” He said excitedly and clapped his hands together._

_The younger turtle may have been less than enthused by the idea but he slowly lifted his head at his brother’s odd suggestion. “Wh-what test, don’t like tests. Thems hard.” He mumbled in confusion as he wiped at his tears._

_“Not that kinda test!” Leo said with a giggle before lifting his hands and placing them on either side of his brother’s face. “Okie dokie. You look me right in the eye and I will see if you are bad inside.”_

_Raph stared at his brother like he was an idiot. “That doesn’t sound like a really good test Leo. It's stupid.”_

_“No it isn’t!” Leonardo said with a frown. “F-father says the eyes are the umm, well that they show what is inside us, right? So lemme check!” Leo insisted pulling his reluctant brother’s head closer._

_“Errr, ok… I guess Splinter does say s-something like that.” Raph grumbled as he allowed himself to be dragged forwards and their foreheads touched._

_Leonardo cheered internally. “Yeah and, and Splinter is super smart! Now, shush I need to concentrate!”_

_The two little turtles stared deeply into each other’s eyes, amber versus blue, tear filled versus calm and inquisitive…_

_Raph bit his lower lip nervously, his little heart pounding fearfully for what his brother might find inside of him. “Do, do you see it?” He asked, his voice soft and rather scared sounding._

_Leo’s eyes narrowed as he searched deeper. “I dunno… I see something but…”_

_“Is it bad!?” Raph exclaimed, his eyes beginning to fill with tears again._

_Leo hummed, his tongue sticking out as he focused. “Hmmmm… Bad, bad… NOPE! I don’t see any bad in there!”_

_Raph blinked, his little form tensing for a moment. “You, you s-sure?”_

_Leo moved closer their beaks touching as well as their foreheads as he searched. “I don’t see any bad Raphie. I see ummm… I see bravery, I see some sad bits, and alsooo the bestest little brother in the whole wide world, but… But you can’t tell anybody else I said that, ok?” He added with a grin._

_Again Raph blinked his cheeks blushing before he began giggling. “Leo, you think all of us are your bestest brother.” He said shyly and Leo pulled back as he shook his head._

_“I don’t know what you are talking bout.” He said with a smiled, happy to see his younger brother smiling at last. He never understood why it took so much for his brother to smile but, but when he could get one out of the smaller turtle he always felt good about it._

_Raph rolled his eyes but his grin never wavered. “Ok, ok…” He peered back up at his brother, his smiling growing. “I love you Leo, thank you for checking for my badness.”_

_“Tell ya what, whenever you get worried about it again, you lemme know. I am now an expert at testing and we can do this as many times as you need, ok!?” The older turtle said as he reached down and clasped his brother’s hand in his. “Promise me? I don’t want you thinking so bad about yourself.”_

_Raph sighed but nodded. “Ok, I promise.”_

_“YAY!” Leo cheered before standing and pulling his younger brother up with him. “Now ya gotta go say sorry to Donnie.”_

_“I know…” Raph grumbled. “Do… Do ya think he still hates me?”_

_Leo tapped a finger on his chin as he thought. “Umm, I dunno if he is still mad but he doesn’t hate you… Maybe you could do something nice for him in return?”_

_Raph’s eyes suddenly lit up and he nodded. “I could build with him! I’m good at building, maybe we could fix it together?”_

_“Yeah! That is a great idea!” Leo exclaimed proudly, the little turtle still holding his brother’s hand as they walked back to their lair. “See, no bad person would think of such a good idea Raphie, you are good, super duper good.”_

_The younger turtle blushed again but his face was positively beaming. “Yeah… Maybe not so bad.” He whispered his hand tightening around his older brother’s. “You’re a good brother Leo.”_

_“So are you Raph, we make a good team.”_

_The younger turtle’s eyes sparkled at that. “The bestest team, but shhh don’t tell anybody!”_

_Both of the brothers giggled together as they walked, their hearts at ease and hands clasped tight…_

_“Leo, we are gonna be friends forever right?”_

_Leo looked at his brother, his smile broad and eyes sparkling. “Forever and always Raphie!” He promised…_

_Forever and always…_

_……………………………._

“Leo… Leo please man, wake up.”

Leonardo groaned at the incessant voice that called to him getting the distinct impression it had been calling to him for far too long. **_Wh-what the…_**

“Leo please, Pleeease wake up. We need you.”

** _Need? Who… D-Donnie? He sounds worried, I wonder why._ **

“Leo… Ohhh man… PLEASE!?”

The eldest Hamato flinched as his brother’s voice grew louder the sound reverberating through his aching head like thunder. “Unnnn, D-Donnie… A-Asprin…” He mumbled, not willing to open his eyes yet as he was certain that would take his raging headache to a whole other level.

“Leo! Thank god. Oh, oh yeah… Uhhh, here.”

He felt his hand being pulled aside, two pills dropping into the center of his palm as he moaned with pain.

“I have water here too but you’d need to sit…” Donatello said but his elder brother just groaned at the idea.

“S’fine,” Leo muttered opening his beak and throwing the pills back before swallowing they dry. It hurt but again he wasn’t ready to fully come back to the world and sitting up may have just ended up with him purging all over himself and any near him.

Once the bitter tasting medicine worked its way down his far too dry throat Leo braved a glance and slowly creaked open his eyelids. At first there was nothing but blurred agony but eventually shapes began to form in the light and he found Donatello’s anxiety ridden face right in front of him.

“D-Donnie…” His voice was gruff and weak he was sure but even that little bit of noise added to jackhammer that was relentlessly slamming against his brain.

“Leo, shit man… I was so worried. It has been two days I…” The younger turtle had to stop talking as tears filled his eyes and he shook his head. “I was so damn worried.”

** _Two days? What the heck h-happened?_ **

Leo’s eyes opened a little more and he realized that he was lying in his room. “D-days? I, I don’t member…” Suddenly his heart skipped as he thought of his father and gasped as he turned his dizzy head to his brother. “S-Splinter?”

**_Please don’t be dead, please don’t have left when I was unconscious! _**

“He is alright Leo, well, as well as he has been at least.” Donnie promised him, the younger turtle smiling at his brother as the fear in his elder brother eyes faded.

Leo exhaled in relief. “Good… Is R-Raph taking c-care of y-you guys?” He asked as he tried to start getting himself to a sitting position yet, as his brother continued to remain silent and then lower his head Leo again felt his heart skip a beat. “D-Donnie? What, what is w-wrong?”

Donatello sighed heavily before lifting his head his dark brown eyes red with tears and dim with sorrow. “Leo, Raph… Raph was taken, don’t you remember?”

“WHAT!?” Leo sprang up from his bed, his heart racing when suddenly memories tore through his mind. He remembered Raph racing off, them going out to find him, the patrol, the mutants and then…

Then…

** _Oh gods..._ **

His legs went out from under him, his hands just barely catching him as he began to vomit violently.

“LEO!” Donnie called to him from somewhere beyond the storm of chaos that Leonardo suddenly found himself in but those images, those wretched last images he had of his brother were, were too consuming, too horrifying and… And he couldn’t seem to escape.

All he could see was the tears in Raph’s eyes, the fear, the degradation, shame… He had looked so afraid, even as he swore, even as he growled and struggled. Raphael had… He had been breaking inside.

** _He had been ashamed of what that, that FUCKING FREAK was doing to HIM! Ohhh gods… Ohhh Raph…_ **

All he could hear was the sobs, the growls, the screaming as Raph was, was _used_ right in FRONT of him and he hadn’t been able to do one DAMN THING!

Another bought of nausea roiled through him and with it another bout of bile and wasted medicine. **_I did NOTHING and now Raph is in that monster’s claws… I… _**

“Leo?”

The eldest turtle lifted his head, the haze pulling back for how desperate his other brother sounded and he felt his heart sink at the look of utter despair he found on the younger turtle’s face. **_I, I need to f-focus… I, I can’t lose myself right now, m-my family needs… Ohhh, Raph…_**

Tears filled his own eyes, his heart pulsing so quickly it felt like it was trying to escape his chest. **_I need to, I need to k-keep it together… I am the leader, I need… Ohh, it hurts s-so much…_ _I failed him, I failed him when he needed me most and now he is with that monster who is probably…_**

He stopped that train of thought immediately, it was selfish perhaps but, but he couldn’t get lost down that wicked road of wondering what might be happening to his brother… Especially not with some sick FUCK like Gin Shi.

** _Gin Shi… That bastard, I will get him I swear but, but first I need to calm down. I need to focus, I need…_ **

Suddenly there was laughter heard outside of his door and Leo frowned as he realized it wasn’t Mikey’s voice he heard, but a child’s? **_What the…_**

Donnie had been quietly observing his brother’s melt down, gently rubbing his shell for whatever little support that may have lent him when he too heard the laughter and saw the flash of confusion pass across Leo’s face.

“Yeah so, we have another problem too.” Donnie mumbled wearily, heaving a heavy sigh as his brother peered blearily at him. “You know those mutants we found, well… I didn’t know what to do with them and as Raph was taken and you were unconscious I… I brought them here.”

Leonardo blinked at his brother, his already reeling mind working far too slow to keep up with all that had happened thus far. “Wh-what?” He asked stupidly, half out of shock and half out of pure disbelief.

Donnie rubbed his face hard. “I brought them here Leo.” He answered with a shrug. “I didn’t know what to do! I had no one to turn to and, they are like _they are_ soooo… Yeah.”

Leo stared at him. “A-all of them?” He again stupidly asked but he just, just couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that they now had the responsibility of ten mutants to contend with on top of Raph…

Donnie looked at him flatly. “No Leo, only the _pretty_ ones. Of course all of them!” He exclaimed yet instantly felt bad as Leo gripped his head painfully. “S-Sorry…” He muttered more quietly. “But yeah, all of them. They aren’t too bad though, most of them still can talk, and a few remember who they used to be but the others…”

Leo narrowed his eyes. “They… They don’t have their memories? Wh-what h-happened to them?” He asked weakly as he pulled himself up and sat against his bed, the scent of his vomit was making him want to add to the little puddle.

“Err, listen. You rest a bit and I will clean up this mess and grab you some tea and then we can talk?” Donnie suggested as he stood. “You want a hand getting back into bed?”

“N-No…” Leo muttered, closing his eyes as his headache thundered.

“Ok…” Donnie said quietly, the younger turtle shifting from one foot to the other for a moment before lunging forwards, falling to his knees, and wrapping his arms around his brother tightly. “I am so glad you are ok.”

Leo blinked in surprise before smiling softly and wrapping his arms around the younger turtle as well. “I am s-sorry I scared you.”

Donnie nodded into Leo’s shoulder. “We will get him back, I promise Leo… I, I never should have pushed him a-away.” He whispered guiltily.

Leo titled his head, peering at his brother curiously. “Donnie… I, I want you to know this isn’t your fault.”

Donnie scoffed but didn’t say anything, only tightened his arms one more time before stiffly standing and walking out of the room.

While watching the other turtle dejectedly walk away Leo made a decision, he would bare the brutality, the wretched way that Raph was taken alone for now and not tell his brothers the horrid truth.

He didn’t know what else was to befall Raph, what other abuse but when they got him back they, they could work together on piecing him back together… Mentally or physically but for now his family had enough to fret over…

** _Raph, to see you so afraid it… It is something I will never forget. I am so sorry, so freaking sorry. I will find you I promise and, and no matter what has happened to you I will find a way to fix it…_ **

A sob pulled from his throat then and he buried his head in his hands as he allowed himself this one small chance to break. **_I, I l-love you Raph, I love you so damn much…_**

** _More than I e-ever knew… Please hang on, I beg you…_ **

“I, I l-love y-you Raphie, f-forever and a-always, ohhhh…” He whispered brokenly as he wept for his brother, his friend, his….

His love?

** _I will find you, I always have and… And always will, no matter the state you are in. I WILL find you._ **


	9. Shattered Hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! Sorry it took a bit to update, I needed to do some work on Transformers stuff for a bit, I have so many open stories! *.* I do have more and that should be up soon. Hope you enjoy! Yaaay Chaos!

By the time the room stopped spinning and he had officially emptied anything he had eaten over the last _decade_ out onto the floor, Leonardo finally pushed himself into standing and faced the nightmare that had suddenly befallen him and his family.

**_N-Need to focus. Check on Splinter, then deal with mutants, then find a way to save Raph. _**He thought as he gratefully accepted Donnie’s arm to help him up and began stumbling to his father’s room.

“I told Mikey to keep the others busy for now. You can meet them all after seeing Splinter but I don’t think you will get much out of father, Leo… He hasn’t been waking much these days.” Donatello told him as they bumbled their way through the den.

Their home was empty except for the two brothers for the moment but there were multiple piles of blankets set up against the far wall in what they considered their living room, and numerous garbage bags of clothing set about the room leaving it crowded but surprisingly clean. Hell, even the kitchen looked better scrubbed than Leonardo had ever seen it. **_Well, at least it seems like not everything has fallen apart, yet._**

“Where did the s-supplies come from?” Leo asked weakly and Donnie smiled.

“Got some help from April and Casey. She knows of some shelters that were willing to donate some clothes, hygiene products, and blankets. She has been down here quite a bit recently…” Donnie added with a tired sigh. “I don’t know what we would have done without either of um.”

Leo hung his head as they walked. “I, I am sorry Donnie. When you guys needed me most I have been at my worst.” He said sadly, his guilt continuing to gnaw at his heart. **_How am I going to fix all of this? Father, I wish I could ask for your advice._**

The younger turtle shrugged. “Hey we are family, we all need to share this burden.” He answered, his voice confident and warm yet it just seemed to tear at the eldest brother all the more.

** _F-Family… Damnit… Yes, we need to… I need to remember, I need to rely on them too. We, we can do this. They aren’t just young kids anymore, I can rely on them as much as I did Raph…_ **

But was that really true?

Technically Splinter had declared their ages long ago, the rat having one way or another to have been gifted with that information and that now placed him at nineteen, Raph eighteen, and Donnie and Mikey closer in age at seventeen. So perhaps they really were just kids, in human standards at least, but their life had been completely different from any humans and had needed to mature far quicker but still…

**_Arrgh we can do this, we have to. _**Leo thought, his teeth grating as he forced his weary form forwards. He would love for him and his brothers to have a peaceful life, have a life like normal teenagers but he knew that would never be because just like love there were things they would never be gifted with in this life…

Well, maybe…

A small broken smile lifted on his lips as he thought of Raph, his heart thumping as he recalled the younger turtle’s words but his joy was quickly tainted as another set of memories suddenly assaulted him and he bit back on the despairing whimper that threatened to escape him because of them.

** _No, no don’t think of that! You need to focus! Focus on what you can do now, focus on what steps to take to free him not… Not what might be happening to him right n-now…_ **

** _Oh Raphie, I am so sorry. We, we won’t leave you to that nightmare, I swear._ **

They finally made their way to their father’s room and Donnie was kind enough to let him slump against the wall as he slid the door open.

“He, he was awake a little earlier, was asking about you.” The other turtle said quietly before peeking in yet any hope left his brown eyes and he shook his head sadly at his brother. “Sorry, seems he is still asleep.”

Leo nodded slowly, his eyes scrunching closed as his headache began to pound again just from the small movement. Trying his best to ignore the pain he smiled and pushed himself off the wall. “That is alright Donnie, he needs the rest…” He said gently before another thought struck him, one he had been wondering about since he awoke. “Uhh Donnie, does Splinter know? Does he know about everything?” He asked, slightly nervous with what his brother would say.

If Splinter knew the gravity of what was happening he would probably not allow himself to rest and insist on being part of the planning to get Raph back home. As much as Leo would have loved to have some help in the daunting challenge that was now presented to him the last thing he wanted to do was add to his father’s stress and fragility.

Donatello shook his head, his brown eyes lowering guiltily. “No… No he doesn’t know.” He said quietly and Leo had to keep in the sigh of relief that statement gave him. **_Thank gods…_**

Though, as happy as the elder brother was Donnie looked downright ruined by the secret. “I, I am sorry Leo he just… He isn’t conscious long enough these days to even have the chance explain what has happened. I, I hate lying to him but I am worried what Raph’s capture would do to him.” He added solemnly before forcing a smile. “But he has been eating better, well, just before he falls back to sleep.”

“Eating, that’s good and don’t worry about not telling him. I know it feels wrong but I agree with your choice and think it may be better to leave him out of this chaos for now.” Leo mumbled as he worked his way along the hall’s wall, his shaking palms leading him until he finally made it to the doorway and clung to that to keep him on his feet. “I, I will be a minute. Just need to gather myself.” He told his younger brother and Donnie nodded.

“I understand. I will gather the others for when you are ready.” Donatello offered as he made to turn away but his wrist was quickly caught by Leo and he frowned as he looked up to his older brother. “Leo, what is it?”

“I just…” Leo started with a sigh. “I just wanted to thank you, Donnie. You, you have done well, both you and Mikey… You should be proud of yourselves.” He finished quietly, his hand tightening around the other turtle affectionately but Donnie’s frown never faltered and, if anything, just grew deeper and darker.

“You can be proud of me once we get Raph back, Leo.” The younger turtle muttered before pulling his arm away, not unkindly, and stiffly walking away.

Leo watched him go, his heart feeling like a weighted lump of frigid despair the entire time. **_Donnie, this isn’t your fault, damnit. Don’t be too hard on yourself, we will get through this. _**He thought with forced determination yet shadows of doubt ate at him, especially when he thought of how Raphael might be fairing in all of this…

His brother was alone with that monster Gin Shi and Shredder and he just prayed, to anyone whom might listen, that his brother’s stubborn will would help him now.

** _Don’t give up Raph, you are stronger than them! Remember we need you, remember you are loved, and you won’t be alone forever._ **

He fell to his knees next to his father’s bed, his joints still aching from that awful venom that had made his muscles seize so violently, yet he made sure to bow low to his Master, his teacher, his father, his friend…

**_Sensei I… I have failed so terribly. _**He thought as he rested his fevered forehead against the floor, his hands fisting next to him as the pain in his heart grew exponentially with his silent admission.

** _I failed father and now Raphael is locked away not only with Shredder but this new enemy, one that is… Is so twisted! He… Father he…_ **

“He…” A broken whisper escaped him, his teeth grinding as his fists opened and he clawed at the floor under him. His heart began to thunder, the sound obliterating anything else he was receiving, that and his ragged breathing.

** _Raphie! What is he doing to you!? What is he planning!? Why did he want you!? Why did he, why did he TOUCH YOOOOU!?_ **

With each wild pant dust flew up off the floor the light particles puffing out and glittering in the low light of the candle that was set on his father’s table.

“F-Father… I, I don’t understand thiiis…” He strangled out quietly, not wanting to speak so loudly that he woke the rat but the silence was too oppressive! He needed something, something to come out of him because, because he felt like something was bubbling, boiling inside him and at least if he spoke it took away some of the pressure, the pain inside.

“I… I don’t know how to contend with what happened father. I, I have never seen Raph so… So s-small so u-used and… And I did _nothing!_” A small sob was pulled from his mouth and he growled because of it, clawing at the floor harder and he could feel the skin on his fingertips began to crack and bleed.

The pressure, the fire inside him kept growing, burning hotter and hotter and with it his control faltered, his ability to think crumbled and he felt blind, felt suffocated by it all.

** _He hurt him! He took his pride, took his power from him and made him submit! He forced him to his knees! RAPH! He… HOW DARE HE!? How dare he hurt Raphael like that, how dare he tear into him like that and how Dare I do NOTHING while it HAPPENED!?_ **

He gasped for air, the pain in his fingertips helping ground him but, but it wasn’t enough!

** _He is probably tearing into Raph RIGHT NOW! Right now as I kneel here, just as he did, and feel pity in the comfort that surrounds me! What, WHAT am I doing to help but feeling pity for myself!?_ **

“Ohhh… Oh god… F-fatherrrr…” A broken moan and suddenly he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t see, feel… He wanted to feel, he wanted to feel pain, wanted to punish himself for his failure! He…

** _Ohhh… I can’t break down! I need to keep control! Raph needs me, my family needs me! Just breathe Leonardo! Just breathe…_ **

Slowly, agonizingly so, he released his clenched muscles his hands lifting from the floor and he sighed wearily at the bloody claw marks he left on his father’s floor an ironic thought fleeting through his mind as he stared at his wet fingertips.

**_Is this how Raphael feels during his storms? _**A small, bitter smile lifted upon Leo’s lips as he mused what Raph would think of him right now. He could see the larger turtle leaning in the doorway with that cocky grin, his arms crossed as he peered smugly down at his ever controlled and calm brother.

_“Chaos is a bitch ain’t it, fearless?” _He could hear his brother say and another sob broke from him as in that same illusion he saw himself scrambling off the floor in an instant and lunging at Raph, wrapping his arms around him and never, _never_ letting go.

“I l-love you R-Raph…” He whispered to the silent darkness that surrounded him and finally let his tears fall as he curled into a ball beside his father.

“I love y-you s-so much… I wish I had s-seen it b-before.” He admitted brokenly, his blood covered fingers wrapping around the top of his head as he cried.

He did love Raph, more than he ever realized and every moment the larger turtle was not with him he felt a little more of himself break away… He felt like he was losing control, felt like he was breaking inside and he couldn’t help but wonder…

If _he_ felt this broken, how was Raphael handling all of this?

** _Please, please god, please fate, ANYONE … Give him the strength to keep going! Help him be strong and return to us… Please? Don’t let him give up… I need him, I need him more than I ever realized._ **

As the eldest Hamato quietly shattered next to his dying father the second eldest was praying for the same strength because, after hours of torture his resolve was beginning to crumble nearly as quickly as his body was…

No matter how much he tried to deny it.

………..................

The chains didn’t jingle through the dark chamber anymore, there were no more screams, no more sounds of steel against flesh, no more snaps of a whip, no crackling of electricity, no splashes of water, no jeering was heard, no laughter mockingly echoing in the small rusted quarters, no threats or information demanded…

No, only oppressive silence now filled the wicked room the broken creature hung within and he, he no longer had the strength to move.

**_Ain’t gonna b-break… N-Never b-break. _**A feeble, garbled thought or perhaps _wish_ flickered through the beast’s mind as he spit out another glop of sticky blood.

Blood.

Every piece of his existence, of his very being was now consumed with blood. He smelt it, tasted it, flesh was bathed in layers of it, some dry and flaking while more collected in sticky globs and even more seeped down from his freshest wounds in crimson rivulets…

He was chilled by its wetness, fevered by its loss, and sick off how much he had swallowed…

He was so hungry.

A broken moan pulled from Raphael as he fought to remain conscious and keep his head up because he now knew what would happen if he fell asleep with his collar on and the deep burn in the side of his neck was proof of that terrible promise.

**_C-Can’t break, can’t sleep.... Z-zap… It will z-zap again... _**The words hammered in his tattered mind as he lifted his head up once more, if it lowered too far the collar was activated and a charge of electricity would erupt from the fang like prongs inside the band and then, agony.

He had tried to use the electrocution at one point during the endless torture to help him just fall to unconsciousness but somehow they were placed just so that whenever they went off he remained conscious the _entire_ time.

The clan members had laughed at him, the bastards, the first time he had tried to force himself into the peaceful oblivion of unconsciousness, all of them jeering as he screamed and jerked wildly in his chains, only stopping him as they complained for the scent of burning flesh…

He was wrapped in a nightmare, a nightmare that he had never faced before and with each moment that passed he knew he was losing more and more of himself.

The second time he was _graced_ with General Gou’s presence was far different from the first, namely because he was already in worse shape after his previous beatings and being used by both him and Shi, but also the despair that had been festering in his gut was growing as well.

** _SH-shut up… Mmm f-fine. Everything, everything f-fine… Just so f-fucking tired. So tired…_ **

To say he was exhausted by the time Gin Shi left him with the Foot was, what he thought at the time, a grave understatement because now as he hung in the darkness, hours and hours of torment finally over with, or he prayed it was, he couldn’t seem to stay conscious for the life of him.

** _P-Please, please let it be done… N-No more… Let me… Need rest… _ **

Unlike the first _tests,_ as Shi had called them, this time General Gou had pulled out all the stops for the young turtle and where there had only been flesh on flesh attacks in the beginning now there was blades, whips, electrocution, water boarding…

The General was rather skilled at his methods and for the most part remained silent through them all beyond asking that same infuriating question, _“Where is your lair?”_

Over, and over, and OvEr the same question was asked and it didn’t matter if Raph could hardly move his jaw, or even remembered how to breathe still he asked and Raph, said nothing.

Nothing…

No quips, nothing sarcastic, _nothing_.

There were screams pulled from him eventually, he couldn’t have stopped them if he tried especially when electrocuted. There were also some incoherent noises that escaped him but other than that he saved his strength and took his punishments in silence.

Every cut, every slash, every punch, kick, submersion in water, every stab, or broken bone; he kept what little wits he had and never broke…

Not yet at least.

He wasn’t sure how long he was tortured for this time, it was definitely far longer than the last time and he almost wished he would be transferred to Shi just so he could sleep on the walk there. He hadn’t slept in so long, he hadn’t consumed anything more than his own blood, he was a wreck and he knew the longer this went on the closer he got to breaking.

** _N-no… Canna b-break… F-family needs… Father, brothers, L-Leo…_ **

Whenever the pain grew too horrendous or he felt another crack form inside him he would repeat a mantra of sorts, one that reminded him what he was fighting for and what he needed to save.

Every crack of the whip…

** _Mikey…_ **

Every slash of a knife…

** _Donnie…_ **

Every staff to his torso…

** _Father…_ **

And every zap from his wretched collar…

** _L-Leo… Leo… I love you._ **

Minutes, hours, eternity… Through it all he was conscious all the while begging, _wishing _for someone to make it stop, to give him the strength to not flinch under the next abuse, to not scream so that the others would laugh and yet all he received from the heavens he prayed to was silence.

Always silence and yet not…. It wasn’t complete silence because even when he wasn’t crying out, bellowing in pain and rage so much it felt his throat was bleeding he cried internally, the whispered screams echoing in his broken mind sang to him and he was their only audience.

A private show of destruction, just for him.

Beyond the hidden screams, his thoughts did veer off as time went, the pain giving him an almost euphoric sense of lucidity at times and he would find himself smiling insanely as memories passed through his jumbled mind. He saw images of his family coming to the forefront of his shattering existence, all of them laughing, fighting, messing around, training, living…

He missed them desperately.

He missed Donnie coming out of his room, his skin charred from some failed device yet he would always smile when his struggles paid off and he finally got whatever crazy contraption he was working on to actually succeed.

Hell, he even missed Mikey’s humor, wishing he had his little brother here to make some ridiculous jokes about how fucked they were… It would be a far better alternative to Raph’s own dark thoughts.

Then there was Splinter.

He missed his father so much and continued to have to push away the thought that while he and Leo were here that Splinter might just… Just…

** _No, no not h-helping! Can’t think of that sh-shit! Everybody will be f-fine… All fine…_ **

As much he didn’t want to consider the possibility of his Sensei dying while he was captured it continued to haunt him, wretched images of his father rotting on his bed, or Mikey and Donnie being captured ripping through the fog that had settled over his agony ridden reality.

**_Leo… Leo would be d-destroyed if Splinter d-died and we weren’t th-there… _**That was a sobering thought as well, one of many that he had of his older brother in his glorious time with the Foot.

Where was Leo, what was happening to him, how was he dealing with it all?

**_Better than me I hope. _**It was a weak hope but one that kept Raph going. If Leo could get through all this then so could he, damnit! Course, Leo supposedly didn’t need to go through Shi’s treatment but he was grateful for that more than anything.

** _I, I can m-make it through that too. It’s fine… Fine… Ohhh, please… Let it be fine._ **

As much as he longed for the long walk to the lab he also dreaded it; being ripped into with weapons and such, it fucking sucked, but at least those wounds were only skin deep.

What Shi did to him tore at his very core and made him not only hate himself but feel so _small_.

So small.

Gin Shi had made him submit, taken his identity, and was playing with him on a level inside that Raphael had never experienced before. The fucker was insane and out of all of this Raph feared what damage _he_ could inflict the most. That the bastard hadn’t taken him for his second round of torture yet, and that terrified Raph as well but also made sense to the battered turtle.

The more they broke him down physically, the easier it would be to do so mentally later. The fucker had probably planned it out this way so that the next time he had Raph in his twisted hands he would…

Would…

** _NO! NO don’t think… N-Naah… Fine… Fine. Gotsa be. Gotsa be f-fine… F-fine. One step, one at a time._ **

His fear of being in that snake’s hands was for another time as at the current moment the onslaught of physical torture had ceased, for the moment, and he hung limply in his chains as he nervously awaited whatever horrors were coming next. **_They be back… Lying, tricking but they be back…_**

They had tricked him like this once before, leaving him alone just long enough for him to hope the torture was finished for the day but the moment he had fallen asleep and the collar flared to life, re-scorching the already massive burn on his neck, they came at him again.

** _W-won’t h-hope… They… Be back, come back and h-hurt me again…_ **

He creaked open his aching eyes, the amber orbs bloodshot and itchy as he peered around the dark room yet found he was alone…

**_H-Hiding, hiding in d-darkness… F-fuckers trick, tricking me… _**He thought bitterly, a weak growl pulling from deep in his throat when he frowned as his wrists slipped down a bit and he felt a burst of pain tear through it.

**_What? _**He let his head fall back, blinking away old tears and blood as he tried to focus on the limb and he chuckled brokenly at how mangled his wrist looked. **_B-broken… Musta p-pulled too h-hard with sh-shocks… Th-that’s funny._**

Of course it wasn’t funny that his wrist was broken but it was rather amusing to his muddled mind how the shattered bones were now almost folding in on themselves because of his weight pulling them down.

His laugh grew in volume with the pain, the dopamine in his system both a blessing and a curse as he felt drunk with it and it clouded his judgment because had he been more aware he would have realized how his hand was slowly slipping through the shackle, inch by inch the collapsing bones and slick blood helping his wrist slide further and further through until…

_POP!_

So lost in his fascination of how his wrist was twisting in grotesque angles the young turtle could only gasp as one arm suddenly came free and he screamed as all of his weight dropped heavily on only one of his shoulders. He was fairly certain it was the one he had dislocated because his haze cleared up very fast as fire over took the joint to a nauseating degree.

“Nnnnnnngggg! Arrrgh, FUUUUCK!” Slurred swears escaped him as he desperately clawed at the second shackle with his free hand but with his wrist being so broken, along with some of his fingers _evidently_, he couldn’t get a good grip and the anguish in his shoulder was consuming what little sanity he had left.

“Ahhhh… ARRRRRGH! FUUUUUCK! Please… PLEASE! ARRRRRRGH!” Anger began to boil through his tortured frame, his beast calling to him, coming to the forefront as the pain drug him deeper and deeper into madness.

He_ needed_ to stop this pain.

His blunt nails scratched at his still bound wrist, long jagged cuts forming with each failed grasp, so much so that his blood was now dripping on his scrunched up face, the bitter iron taste of it just mixing with the old in his snarling mouth.

** _Help… Help! I… FUCK THIIIIS! _ **

He roared, ripping at his flesh and not even feeling the pain. Each stroke lathered his limb in more and more of the precious life giving liquid until another _POP_ sounded and with a weak cry he slipped out of that shackle as well and landed in a jumbled heap on the floor.

“Uunnnn…” He moaned miserably, his empty stomach flipping as he tried to get his bearing and his first thought was that his captors would rip him apart for being out of his chains but the second thought was what really caught his attention…

** _Ch-chains gone? Chains gone… _ **

** _CHAINS GONE!?_ **

He shook his head, his heart suddenly thundering as he tried to lift himself to his hands and knees and promptly fell on his face as his broken wrist gave out from under him.

**_Arrrgh f-fuck… S-Slow… Slow dey, dey might be h-hidden… Watching… _**Again he tried to move, careful for the leg he was sure was at least fractured and the ribs that clanked brokenly together deep inside him but eventually he got to his knees and slumped there as he caught his breath.

**_Arms… Arms free, b-broken but they free… What, what do now? Arrrgh tinking h-hard…_** While most of the damage they had inflicted was focused more below his neck, knife wounds, slashes of a whip across his plastron, and bruises; they had hit him quite a few times across his head and like before his thoughts were muddled and unclear.

** _Arrrgh, f-fuckin con-concussion… Shit. _ **

He raised his head after a moment, hoping he hadn’t lost himself in the haze of thought for too long as he tried to gather his wits about him and somehow make a plan.

He was in the first room he had been in when he had awoken to this nightmare and he knew that meant he was probably on one of the higher levels of the abandoned rig as it had taken so long to get to the lower lab before. He peered behind him at his ankles and smiled as he found them only shackled to one another with a short bit of chain connecting them. It would make walking difficult, but not impossible.

He could escape!

A smile formed on his scarred and bleeding lips but only for a moment before he remembered he wasn’t the only captive being held in this nightmare and he whimpered as despair clawed at him.

** _Leo… Leo and that k-kid below… I, I can’t a-abandon… Ohhh f-fuck. Whada do?_ **

He was a mess right now, not even certain he could walk and make an escape but, but could he leave those two in this Hell? **_Arrrgh, L-Leo… I, I am so t-tired… Whada do? Ohhhh…_**

Tears filled his eyes as he hung his head; he knew he was wasting time, he knew he should just run, run and grab Mikey and Donnie and lead them here but… But what if they killed Leo because he escaped? What if they then made Leo go through those sick experiments with Shi instead of him, could he leave his brother to that?

**_No… No, Leo… Leo is good, better than m-me. Can’t h-have that happen to him…_**And with that he was moving.

He got to his feet somehow, his unbroken hand clinging to the walls as he slowly, agonizingly made his way to the door of his torture room and pressed his fevered head to the door to listen.

**_No, no f-footsteps… Ok, ok… Jus push, push and go… Gotta find L-Leo… _**He told himself, his shaking hand lifting to the round handle of the steel door and began to turn.

**_Gonna, gonna be ok… Be ok, be f-free…_**He finally got the door to open, his heart swelling with relief that he had found it unlocked and he almost tumbled out into the hall for how weak he was.

**_Arrgh f-fuck. Stay on ya feet turtle. You got a j-job ta do… _**He told himself, steeling his racing heart for what he needed to do when a light breeze came from the hall behind him and he gasped when, for the first time in too long, he caught the scent of fresh air.

He turned in a stumbling circle, his bloodshot eyes filling with tears as he basked in the cool fresh air, he was so close to an escape! He, he was right there, freedom so close and with it the promise of no more pain but…

_ **L-Leo... I, I... Fuck, I am sorry. I ain't thinking straight... I, I'd never leave ya... Mmm s-sorry fer thinking it...** _

His aching, bleeding head fell low between his shoulders, shame tearing through his heart for even considering abandoning Leo and he mournfully turned away from his freedom and began walking deeper into his nightmare.

**_I ain’t gonna leave him! N-no way. Leo, I am coming for ya, I won’t leave you to this nightmare alone! _**The broken turtle promised as he sacrificed his freedom and set his focus on rescuing his brother, a brother he admired, loved more than anything and…

And wasn’t even there.


	10. Far too Young

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! I hope you enjoy this new chapter. Kind of a look into both Leo's and Raph's world now. It will possibly be darker next chapter, probably going to cut it into both Leo and Raph again and poor Raph he, he will get the worst of it... I am awful. ok, hope you enjoy and yaaaay chapter!

Leo had allowed himself an hour alone. He had cried himself empty, given himself time to recover and now, now it was time to face the insanity of reality.

He brought himself to his feet, his head hung but eyes sharp, calculating before he bowed once more to his resting father and left the room. As he slid the door shut behind him he sighed as the sound of laughter came from the living room, that and murmured talking. **_Seems they have returned from wherever Mikey took them to…_**

He inhaled a long deep breath before letting it out slowly. **_Alright Leonardo, time to face this nightmare. _**He told himself as he stumbled down the hall to whatever fate had planned for him now.

His muscles were feeling a little better now, his enhanced healing and movements helping work out the rest of that wretched venom and he was able to walk almost normal at this point, now if only his stomach would settle down.

As he neared the main room of their den he grimaced as the scent of pasta filled the air, and as hungry as he was the thought of consuming any sort of acidic sauce just sat poorly with his already churning stomach.

“See whatcha gotta do is cook the veggies first right?” Mikey’s voice floated down the hall to the eldest Hamato brother and Leo was happy to hear the younger turtle sounding so jovial but, he knew it was a lie.

Mikey might play the fool but he was one of the smartest, most empathetic members of their family and yet he seemed content to be the jokester in their odd family and honestly, Leo wouldn’t have it any other way.

So many times they had faced darkness that no one their age should have and to have Mikey there, quipping and making light of every monster they needed to face it, it meant the world to each of the brothers… Even Raph, though he pretended otherwise.

**_Raphie… _**Thinking of Raphael made him stumble, his weak legs almost giving out entirely when two long and unexpected arms flew out suddenly and he gasped as he peered up at the stranger that caught him and froze.

**_Oh my god… _**Two cat like eyes peered back at him their green color almost glowing but the oddity didn’t stop there.

The _beast,_ and he loathed to be judgmental because really did he have room to speak, smiled a toothy fanged grin before helping Leo straighten but the oldest turtle could only stare in awe and shock at him.

He seemed to be a mold of a large cat, a leopard by the looks of the spots that covered his furry arms, but it wasn’t a smooth plain of fur, more splotchy patches than anything giving the _man_ a wild and ragged type of look. The mutant, he could settle on calling it a mutant without feeling terrible, also had a short muzzle, cat nose, and _two_ set of ears; one human on the sides of his head and the other two were clearly leopard’s ears and they were set upon the top of his head…

He was a mess.

When Leo finally came back to himself and tore his eyes away from the mismatched mutant he peered around him to find even more oddly structured creatures, all of them clearly blended with various types of animals and human and they all represented predatory beasts.

There was a tiger woman, a bear man, a hawk uhhhh, maybe woman, and so many more but what really stopped him were the children and he felt his heart break as he scanned over the little ones that looked up at him with innocent wonder.

Out of the ten mutants four of them were children, each close in age and yet clearly different nationalities as the little bit of skin color that showed all varied, they were obviously not family… Well, not in the traditional manner at least but whatever nightmares had brought them together did seem to create a connection as they seemed very comfortable with one another, almost like him and his brothers.

Ten imperfect mutants, ten lost, confused mutants that had possibly been human once had families, had lives and now… Now it was up to him and his brothers to sort out what to do with them.

Oh boy.

“LEO!”

The eldest turtle looked up as Mikey called to him, his eyes widening as the youngest turtle cheered and jumped at him.

“Mikey NO!” Leo tried to warn his brother, his arms going out to protect himself but the other turtle was already airborne and both of them went flying backwards.

Leonardo grunted in pain as his shell crashed against the cement flooring but he kept the shout of pain down as Mikey wrapped his arms around his torso and began squeezing the life out of him.

“Leo man! Ohhh man, we were so worried!” Mikey muttered, his beak smashed up against his brother’s plastron as he held him.

Leo smiled, patting the smaller turtle’s head as he tried to get his breath back from the fall. “M-Mikey… I am sorry b-buddy.” He gasped out, his strife finally becoming clear to Michelangelo as the younger turtle squeaked and released him from the vice like hug.

“Ohhh, whoops haha. Here, lemme help ya up.” Mikey suggested, pulling first himself up and then leaning down to help his brother.

The elder brother nodded in thanks as he was lifted, his breath coming a little easier now and he almost felt better when his stomach made a thundering gurgle and he groaned at the gut rot like feeling… **_I need to eat._**

Mikey blinked at Leo in surprise and smile forming on his lips as he pointed to the kitchen. “Hey yeah, you gotta be starving. Let me get you some food?” He offered yet his excitement dwindled as his brother turned a bit grey.

“Umm, thanks Mikey, but I think bread with be fine for now.” Leo told him with an appreciative smile. “Better to start with something small for now, that bite, whatever was in it, hasn’t let me keep much down.” He said gently, not mentioning how the memory of what happened to Raph was also a main contributor to his sickness.

Mikey’s face grew dark, far darker than Leo had seen in some time and for a moment the elder turtle wondered if his brother somehow knew about Raph and what that monster Shi had done to him.

“Yeah, well that guy is an asshole Leo, and I am _not_ sorry for swearing.” Mikey said stubbornly, folding his arms across his chest as he peered defiantly up his elder brother but was surprised when he didn’t find scorn on the other turtle’s face but a sort of haunted look.

“Uhhh…” Michelangelo muttered insecurely, looking over his shoulder at Donnie and he saw his other older brother studying Leo closely.

**_Did I miss something? _**He wondered, looking from one turtle to another before a little hand suddenly grasped his and he glanced down to find his new little friend Jonny staring up at him.

Hey little buddy, what’s up?” He asked kindly, getting to his knees to talk to the little cub boy. Jonny was one of the four kids that they had rescued, his mix one with polar bear evidently for all the white fur that was scattered over his lithe body and his adorable round ears and tiny fang filled muzzle.

Like all of those they took back with they he was an imperfect but unlike the others he actually retained most of his memory after the change, that and he was able to speak better than even most the adults, and had remembered his name and how his other, real brother was still in Shredder’s clutches.

Apparently his brother was a favorite of Shi’s because of how well he took to the experiments and he had not been loaded up with the others so that the weird snake scientist could do more tests.

**_Poor kid. _**Mikey had taken a liking to all the children they rescued, and found a way to make them feel more at ease regardless if they spoke English or not. Only two of the little ones didn’t speak fluid English, one speaking Spanish and the other was far more comfortable with Japanese which would have been great had he actually spent the time to pay attention to Splinter’s lessons better, but he could communicate with her well enough.

“Is this the hero?” The little cub asked, his far too human eyes peering up at Leo in awe and Mikey shook himself out of his pondering before nodding up at Leo proudly.

“Yup, that is him, our leader.” The orange masked turtle stated confidently and Leonardo forced himself to smile.

He didn’t like being called a hero because, more than ever now, he didn’t feel like one but also the weight that came with such a title it… Well, he had enough on his plate right now to contend with.

The child next to Mikey smiled widely, his little clawed hands clapping with excitement. “You can help me get my little brother back!” He exclaimed, just adding to Leo’s guilt but the overburdened leader smiled.

“I, I will certainly try umm, what is your name?” Leo asked gently and there was a tangible chill that filled the room after his seemingly innocent question and that was when he remembered Donnie’s words earlier on how many of the mutants didn’t retain any of their memories…

“I, I am sorry.” He sputtered guiltily as he scanned over all those around him but the child merely smiled up at him.

“It is ok, Donnie said he might find a way to make us all normal again.” The boy said happily. “And I remember my name, I am Jonny.” He added and Leo tilted his head at the child before looking up at Donnie.

“Do you really think you can help them?” He asked his younger brother his face still bright red from his stupid question and the purple masked turtle shrugged.

“I am gonna try like hell.” Donatello answered him, grinning at the mutants around him. “Umm, why don’t we sit and get Leo up to speed, poor turtle looks like he is about to burst from embarrassment and we have a lot to catch up on.” The younger turtle said, his voice growing more serious at the end and Leo nodded in agreement.

The faster he learned about these mutants and what they were up against the better. He slowly moved through the many figures and eased himself into the largest chair in the living room, one that was usually reserved for Raphael and his heart ached as he caught the spicy scent of his missing brother. **_Raph, I miss you so much. Almost three days you have been with them now and I… I can only imagine what you are going through._**

Donnie again peered at his older brother quizzically, the haunted look in Leo’s eyes never leaving the older turtle and he found himself wondering if there was something about all of this that that he wasn’t being told, something he had missed.

**_He had that same look once he realized Raph was taken but, but we have all been captured before. Why is this time haunting him so terribly? Is it because of what happened between him and Raph beforehand? _**Donatello wondered to himself, his frown growing as he continued to watch the other turtle. He had to admit he was surprised that Leo had taken Raph’s seat as he had never done so before. Sure it was a little change, a small gesture but perhaps there _was_ something more going on with his older brothers?

He sighed as he moved into the living space also, him taking his regular spot as Mikey ran off to get Leo some bread and he couldn’t help but think of what had started all this chaos and the odd behavior of Leo now.

** _They, they had been kissing but at the time Leo seemed terrified by it… I assumed Raph had forced himself on Leo because Raph just kind forces himself anywhere and everywhere… Crap he IS a FORCE but, but maybe I wasn’t one hundred percent correct in my assumption? Huh…_ **

“Donnie?”

Donatello shook his head blinking in surprise as Leo called his name for a third time in a row and he smiled at the older turtle apologetically. “Umm sorry, got thinking.” The younger mutant said with a laugh before clearing his throat and focusing on his current task…

Now how to explain everything?

“Uhhh, so…” He started, watching as many of the mutants settled in different spots around them, most of the adults with that oddly numb expression they carried much of the time and the budding scientist reminded himself to bring up the lack of emotion their guests sometimes showed to Leo.

He started talking then, giving Leo all the information he had acquired about their new mutant friends from the memory loss, more in the adults than children, the irregular cellular structure they all now possessed one Donatello knew could be fatal if it continued to wreak havoc on their genetic makeup but, he hadn’t told any of them his discovery, not yet.

His story lasted a while, some of the sensible adults and even some of the children chiming in with information they had over what had happened to them and Leo listened to it all in silence.

He remained silent as his thoughts spun, putting many of the distorted and at time unbelievable pieces of the story together and by the end his heart was thundering and his mouth dry.

These were indeed some, _some_ of the operatives that had been taken recently but not all. What happened to the others the mutants didn’t know but assumed death was involved and this prompted some tears. Though they didn’t remember all of their time before being changed they did recall everything that had happened since and they told him they were collected one by one and experimented on, some survived and others were just thrown away…

Leo’s expression darkened as they continued, one of the older children telling him she was taken with a group of nearly thirty people but they were all ‘regular people’ as she put it, not ex-marine or army just normal people that were trying to get through the day when they were taken and forced into Shredders sick and twisted slavery.

That Shredder had gone to such lengths in this project frightened the eldest Hamato, his heart clenching as he thought of Raphael and what him being captured might mean for them all.

“He wants to perfect his formula Leo.” Donnie said at one point, the younger turtle’s expression almost as server as Leo’s. “He wants to make a mutant army, just like before but instead of starting with animals and changing them he is taking humans.”

Leo nodded, his previous assumptions coming right back in horrific fashion. “But the formula he has thus far is obviously unstable or broken, right?” He asked his the other turtle and Donnie nodded.

“Evidently.” Donatello muttered as he waved his hands around at their guests. “No offense, I mean umm...” He added, as many of the mutants hung their heads sadly. “I… I am just saying that it is clear that Shredder has employed this Gin Shi to create a perfect formula to blend human DNA with animals, obviously predatory creatures and so far he has failed, but not nearly as badly as I would have hoped. I mean, if he has gotten this far…”

Leo nodded, peering around at all of the somber faces, furred, feathered or otherwise… “Do any of you know where you were? Where these experiments were taking pla…”

“El buque.” One little child exclaimed and Leo narrowed his eyes as he tried to sort out the translation when Donnie thankfully spoke up.

“He says it was a boat, a big one if I got the translation correct.” He turned to the child, rubbing at his chin as he worked through what little Spanish he knew. “Ummm… Era como… Uhhh… Era como un barco de p-pesca?” He asked, feeling like a complete idiot but the child’s face did light up, even if he laughed.

“Entiendo mucho inglés.” He said with another fit of giggles and Donnie’s already beaming blush turned a deeper shade of red.

Mikey looked between the two of them. “Uhhh, what?”

“He said he understands… Arrgh, nevermind.” Donatello groaned as he rubbed his face and looked back down at the kid. “Alright, was it big like a fishing boat or like a shipping kind, naval…”

“Sí, naval.”

Leo sat forwards in Raph’s chair. “A naval ship? How the heck could they get their hands on something like that?”

“Old, broken, decommissioned.” The female tiger said, her voice oddly monosyllabic as she stared ahead at nothing. “Rust, broken metal, dripping water, levels so many levels and the screams…” She continued, her wild eyes growing larger and larger as she went and Donnie and Leo peered at each other worriedly.

“Ok, umm… Thank you.” Leo said cautiously, his heart thumping faster as the woman’s hands started shaking.

“Screams, all screams, and the dead, they pile the dead in front of the cages… Dead, dead, _dead!” _She repeated her thin body rocking back and forth as she spoke and Leo could watched it all with growing terror.

**_What, what the hell nightmare have all of these people stepped out of!? Gods, Raph is there right now with Shi! I… Raphie… Oh man, I need to get you out of there! _**Leo thought, his heart pounding wildly in his chest as the woman continued to descend into whatever bedlam haunted her.

“Bodies, so many twisted BODIES! Where, WHERE is my_ baby_!? Where is my BAAAAABY!?” The last word was shrieked, the woman screaming madly as she suddenly jumped to her feet and all three turtles did as well.

The children began to cry, all of them crawling away from the woman as she continued her decline into madness and started pulling her fur out in chunks.

“SHIT! GRAB HER MIKEY!” Leo shouted, leaping over the retreating children as the rest of the adults just stared in the numb oblivion.

“I don’t wanna grab her! I might hurt her!” Mikey answered him, the smallest turtle nervously circling the woman as she continued falling apart.

Leo growled, dashing over the couch before wrapping his massive arms around her and pinning her arms to her sides.

“Nooooo! NOOO! MY BAAAABY! They took my BAAAAABY! WHERE IS HE!? CHRISTOPHER! MOMMY IS HEEEERE! He screams, he is SCREEEAMING! Let ME GOOOOO!” She bellowed, thrashing in Leo’s arms and he fought with her, hoping he wasn’t bruising her for how tight he was holding on.

“Leo, I got it!” Donnie’s voice suddenly rang out over the insanity and Leo looked up just in time to find his brother leaning in and placing a needle against her neck before injecting her with something. “It will take a minute.” He told Leo breathlessly and just as promised as the seconds passed the woman’s energy seemed to wain and her scream soften until she lie limp in the eldest turtle’s arms.

“Oh… Oh my god. What, what was that?” Leo whispered, staring down at the woman in horror as Donnie merely nodded.

“Yeah umm, sorry bout that. I forgot to mention that they break out of the numbness sometimes and well… That happens.” The younger turtle said wearily, wiping at his forehead as he stumbled back to his seat.

Leo lifted the woman up higher, cradling her as gently as one would a baby… Just what had this poor woman been through? He peered up at all those gathered, his mind and heart reeling… **_What have they all been through beside the change? I… She sounded so desperate, she is missing her child? What… What kind of monsters are we dealing with now? How can Shredder condone this?_**

“Momma…”

Leo was pulled from his dark thoughts as the little boy Jonny walked up to him, his ears flat against his head as he reached out to the woman and the eldest Hamato felt his stomach churn sickly. “This, this is your mother?” He asked, his voice barely over a whisper and the child nodded, his eyes filled with tears.

“She, she gets like that sometimes now but, BUT SHE ISN’T BAD! He did this to her! He made her so crazy and kept my little brother and I… I…” A sob tore through whatever response he had been trying to finish so he just stood there, his tiny frame shaking as he glared at Leo as if he was going to challenge the child’s words.

** _This poor child, these poor people…_ **

“O-Of course she isn’t.” Leo said gently, crouching down and allowing the boy grasp at his mother’s hand. “I, I am sorry she was hurt like this but, but I swear my brothers and I will do anything in our power to help all of you.” He promised the child before laying the woman down on a blanket Mikey had gratefully placed down for her and Jonny slumped over his mother protectively as he cried.

Leo stepped away, giving the broken family a moment when he felt the warmth of someone behind him and he peered over his shoulder to find Donatello there.

“Hey Leo, it has been a long day. Why don’t we finish talking alone? I will get Mikey to help them get settled, he is good with them all.”

Leo stared at his brother, his eyes going from Mikey to Donnie and back again. Both the other turtles were a little shaken up but amazingly handling this far better than he felt he was and he found himself wondering just what they had had to go through in the days he was unconscious.

** _So much, soooo much pain has happened recently and I haven’t been able to do one damn thing about it! How many times has something like this happened and poor Mikey and Donnie had to deal with alone, and with me out of it, Splinter dying, and Raph taken… How did they handle it all on their own…_ **

“Y-Yeah, umm, you sure he can h-handle this?” He asked nervously and Donnie smiled at him.

“Well we have made due so far.” He answered with a shrug. “Come on, there are a few things _we_ need to talk about anyways.” He said quietly, his voice stern and maybe even a little suspicious and Leo frowned as he watched the other turtle turn away from him.

** _What, what else do we need to talk about? Is it… Is it about Raph? What if he knows, or doesn’t know and thinks I am keeping it from him. Arrrgh, I AM keeping it from him but it is just to not hurt them or…_ **

“Leo?” Donnie called to him, the elder turtle realizing he was near hyperventilating at this point and he forced himself to calm down.

** _Don’t, don’t freak out… It is ok. I, I need to be calm, I need to lead… Rrrrraaawwwww Raph is in this nightmare right NOW! He is there and he… He…_ **

“Yes, let us speak alone.” He said numbly, his voice hollow and yet burning with fury and anger he had never held before.

Fighting Foot soldiers was one thing but this…

This nightmare of tearing families apart, ripping into enemies, tearing them down to their core he… He didn’t know how to deal with it all and with Splinter so weak it fell to him and _him _alone to understand it. **_No, not alone but… Are Donnie and Mikey ready for the heavy stuff?_**

** _…I wonder._ **

As the leader, the eldest Hamato followed his brother to a more quiet area of their den Leonardo had to stifle the sob that threatened to escape him.

** _This is big, so damn big and dark… What, what do I do? How can I protect everyone? I… I feel so young in all of this. Raphie… I, I am trying brother… I will find you and… And no matter what they have done to you I will be right there to help pick up the pieces._ ** **_I promise._ **

Donnie smiled grimly as he led his elder brother into his quarters, wholly unaware of just why the elder turtle seemed so broken but, but as time went on and the younger Hamato learned of what these formers slaves went through he felt his elder brother wasn't being as honest as he should have been.

_**Leo just, just what are you hiding from us? What could be so bad that it leads you, the most honorable and reliable amongst us to shake like you are now? **_Donatello wondered silently, his fear for Raphael growing and he wondered just what his second eldest brother was going through and why his leader was hiding it from him and Mikey...

_**Just what kind of a nightmare has Raph fallen into Leo? **_The purple masked brother pondered and yet he realized with that simple question, perhaps he wasn't truly ready to know...

Hell at this point even Raph didn't truly understand the chaos he had fallen into but, he was learning.

Painfully so...

……………….

** _I h-hate this fucking place._ **

For far too long Raphael had been miserably searching through the massive rig that held him, his body aching from the top of his domed head to his toes. He was bleeding openly, panting like a fish out of water, and his throat itched terribly with dehydration…

And still he had not found his brother.

He moved up to another door, leaning his the side of his head against as he listened for movement or voices and when he heard nothing he cautiously turned the large wheel there, pressing his uninjured shoulder against it and peeking through the crack that opened up just to find one more empty room.

**_Fuck. _**He thought bitterly as he closed the door and went to continue his hobbled pain ridden journey when his leg suddenly collapsed under him and he fell to his knees with a resounding _BANG_!

“Mmmmm…” The breath he had been holding wooshed out of him the moment his bare knees struck the pitted metal below and he almost screamed from the pain but he bit his lip and forced the ragged cry back down.

**_F-Fuck, fuck… W-weaker than I thought. _**He knelt there another minute, listening desperately for the sound of alerted guards or any movement but eventually gave in to his fear and pulled his battered form back up.

** _Ok… Ok… Need to move, need to find Leo… Where? Where dey keep prisoners?_ **

As he lurched forwards his mind reeled, not only because what he was trying to do in his current state was so obviously stupid it hurt (literally), but also because he was terrified that the boat was too big and that he would never be able to find his brother before either someone found him or his strength gave out.

** _Just don’t stop… Keep moving. If tired hide, rest, then go…_ **

Every step was a torture in and of itself, each movement tearing at the gashes, ripping open partially healed wounds, crunching his broken ribs together, or making him nauseous with the fractured bones that held him upwards but still he moved.

His journey wasn’t nearly as graceful as it should have been, his legs giving out more than once as he went through the many halls and peeked in the numerous closed doors around him. Many times he needed to duck away when the Foot’s troops would get too close but they were hardly trained, arrogant teens and he knew, even broken as he was, how to travel mostly in silence… Mostly.

It was like the worst game of hide and seek he had ever played one that promised if he got caught here they would probably ensure that an escape was never attempted again after this, by any means necessary.

That truth resonated in him deeply as he searched, his amazement in the newfound brutality of Shredder’s actions stunning him in ways he never wanted to have discovered much less been a part of.

Now, Shredder had never been a joke, never been a threat that was not respected in all of his terrible glory with the Hamato family, but what Raph had experienced through the General’s session had caused the hulking turtle to be more than a little concerned with just how low Shredder was willing to fall to get what he wanted.

Shit, that the fucker had enlisted someone like Shi in the first place was horrifyingly telling, but whenever he or his brothers had been captured any time before now their torture had never been like what Raph had gone through.

There had been some beatings, some weapons used but none of it had held the darkness, the depravity of what had occurred earlier.

They had outright stabbed him, cut at tendons, and allowed them to heal just to do it again! His enhanced healing seemed to be a curse far more than a blessing as it had given them endless opportunities to cut, wait, and cut again…

Raph didn’t know what his body looked like right now, he wasn’t brave enough or had time to really take stock in just how ruined he was but he was fairly certain his already scarred flesh would now look like a poorly written road map drawn by a seizing monkey.

** _I wonder if Leo will think I am ugly now? _ **

The odd thought slipped through the terror and despair that had been consuming his mind suddenly and he almost laughed with the absurdity of it coming at all but, it did give him pause.

What if he was so broken he looked even more like a freak and, on the same note if _he _was this bad off, what did Leo look like now?

A growl rumbled at the back of his throat, his demon burning hotly in his chest as the thought of Leo being in any pain even remotely near the level he was right now, and that anger gave him strength.

Shi was right, Shredder was losing it and seemed to have no qualms with doing whatever he needed to ensure his plans succeeded.

**_If, if they t-tore into L-Leo like this I… I am g-gonna r-rip them apart with my o-own hands! _**He let his anger continue to lead him, feeding off of it even as his stomach burned with the blood and acid within…

** _Keep moving… Gotta, gotta k-keep going!_ **

All through his slow, agonizing venture he kept feeding his demon, kept thinking of what would happen to Leo if he failed, kept thinking of what would happen to Donnie, Mikey, or his father if he failed and it kept him going, for now at least.

He groaned as another set of steps came into view, his legs shaking merely from the thought of having to make his way down another set without collapsing but he still hadn’t found Leo and his window of time was dwindling.

He had probably been searching for almost an hour, maybe, and he knew that once they found his room empty everyone would be on alert and the halls would be a lot harder to traverse through without getting caught. The boat was large and because it had so many rotted holes he had been able to find plenty of hiding places along the way but the deeper he worked into the ship the more frequent the activity was. Where he had come across maybe a dozen of the Foot on the highest level on the floor he was currently on he had seen at least fifty pairs of guards.

He needed a better plan.

The damn ship was huge, endless in its complexity and with every inch he covered his body was failing him a little more. At this point he wasn’t even sure if his mutated healing was working properly as his many wounds continued to bleed.

He knew he was leaving a trail but he hoped because everything on the ship was already wet and dark the blood would just blend in… Well, it probably would until they realized he was missing, and then he imagined they would scrutinize things a little closer.

Step by step he dragged himself down the stairs, his breathing ragged, and vision swimming so badly he was afraid he would fall and if he did, would he have the energy to get back up?

**_Fuck… F-fuck jus move… _**He finally made it to the bottom and immediately had to spin behind the metal stairs as the sounds of footsteps echoed down the hall right before him.

**_SHIT! _**He curled into a ball behind the steps, more than aware that if the Foot Soldiers were looking closely they would see his huddled form trembling not a few feet in front of them.

**_What do I d-do if dey see, if they see me? _**He scanned frantically around him, noting all of the halls, doors, and scrap that lie around him…

**_S-Scrap! Sharp scrap! _**He cheered internally as he reached forwards and silently picked up a jagged looking piece of rusted steel with his working hand. He grimaced as he held the less rusted end of the piece, wishing he had some cloth to wrap it in as he was nervous that should he get cut with the makeshift weapon he would end up with tetanus but, all of his coverings were gone so…

**_Gotta work with wh-whatcha got. _**He thought as he held the shard of metal close to his chest and calmed his breathing. It was a technique Splinter showed them early on, one that not only helped them fall silent but allowed their center to still and mind to become focused.

He listened to the approaching steps, his muscles flexing sporadically as he prepared to lunge at the fuckers but all his worry seemed for naught as the soldiers calmly joked with one another before ascending the steps Raph was hidden right behind and continued ignorantly up to the higher level.

**_Geez… How the f-fuck these guys survive this long? F-fucking amateurs._** He mused sarcastically as he cautiously slipped out from behind the steps and started on his journey once more. **_Wait, I know this p-place…_**

He frowned, his heart beat increasing as he recognized the hall he was in, and nearing… He was on the level with the lab and Shi…

**_F-fucker… G-gotta be quiet but maybe I c-can get to the k-kid? _**It was a rather huge stretch of luck he had come across since he left his cage, that the fucking room had been unlocked was a miracle in and of itself but he wondered if going to the child’s cage now, the one directly next to Shi’s lab was _maybe_ pushing the bounds of fate’s generosity a little too far?

He growled as he warred with himself, on one hand he wanted to help free the kid anyways but he had hoped to find Leo first, and yet… Maybe the kid knew more about the ship than he did? Maybe he knew where other prisoners might be kept and could lead Raph to them?

**_Arrrgh FUCK! _**His unbroken hand scrubbed at his bloodshot eyes in frustration. What the hell was he going to do? He could barely walk and now he would have some terrified kid following him around, well, that was IF he could even get the child out without getting fucking caught or even being able to open his damn cage!

WHAT THE FUCK!?

** _What are you even doing R-Raph? Just what da f-fuck you think you c-can accomplish in all this? Arrrgh, you canna even tink STRAIGHT! HOW the FUCK you gonna save ANYONE!?_ **

His fist flew forwards as his rage peaked yet he gasped and stooped it just before it slammed into the wall with what was sure to be a thundering crash. “Ahh f-fuck… Fuck…” He whispered hoarsely, his eyes wide with disbelief that he almost gave himself away just because he was pissed.

**_S-Stupid! S-stupid fucking turtle! What would Leo tink of ya if he… _**That sullen thought helped ebb his fury and he lowered his fist to his side as he fought to control his breathing.

**_I can’t s-screw dis up. Leo, Leo needs me…Ain’t gonna s-screw this up like everding… Arrgh, everything else! _**He shook his aching head and focused on his mission, he could do this, he had to… He would either make it out of here with the turtle he loved or he would fucking die trying.

It took only a few more minutes to get to the long hall of cages, his body moving more on autopilot than anything until the got to the end of his current hall and pressed himself up against the edge. **_Ok, almost… Get kid, s-somehow, and den find Leo._**

He peeked around the corner, his eyes narrowing as he scanned the darkness and he strained to hear any activity coming from behind the lab door. So far everything seemed still and silent but he didn’t allow himself to be fooled that easily.

**_Nice and slow Raph… Just make it to da kid. _**He told himself as he crouched as well as his broken ribs would let him and crawled down the hall.

His breath was shallow, his eyes wide and sharp, and every sound he heard had his muscles jerking in alarm but eventually he made it down to the end of the hall and it was there where he stopped.

He turned his head, listening closely for any movement behind the door but the damn creaking of the ship was louder here and the hum of machinery from inside the lab was making it difficult to really notice anything, but it seemed quiet enough.

**_G-good… Just grab the kid and… Oh f-fuck, where is it? _**He thought worriedly as he peered into the cage to his left and found only darkness within.

“K-Kid?” He whispered, flinching as his voice seemed to boom in the silence around him. **_Arrrgh, fuck. Wh-what if it was m-moved? Whada do then?_**

He huffed in frustration but carefully wormed his way closer to the cell, placing his metal shard down before wrapping his hand around one of the bars. “Kid p-please? I ain’t the bad guy, I am here ta h-help.” He whispered a little louder, scanning wildly into the darkness and he almost felt his heart sink to his stomach as nothing answered him but that was when he saw a flash in the corner, something like a predator’s eye when it was caught in the light and he smiled.

“Hey, hey kid, it’s ok. I am a gud… Arrgh, a good g-guy.” He said, hoping his usually gruff voice wasn’t just freaking the kid out more, much less his wound covered body.

**_I must l-look like a n-nightmare to um… Shit. _**He thought bitterly, understanding the kid’s hesitancy, poor kid must have seen his or her share of monsters recently, especially in this place but still, he didn’t have fucking time to play nanny.

“Listen kid…” He started, his friendly tone slowly leaking away as his frustration grew. “I ain’t g-gonna hut, fuck HURT ya but if you don’t h-help me help you, I will leave ya.” He threatened, not entirely certain if he could actually make good on the threat but it did seem to resonate with the child as a pair of reflective eyes turned back to him and he heard a small whimper.

“N-Not gonna hurt?” A small voice asked him, the tone high but given the young age of the kid Raph couldn’t decipher whether it was a boy of a girl inside.

He smiled wider, grunting as he lowered himself to his knees outside the cage. “Nah, I ain’t hurting n-no kid. I wanna h-help.” He told the child, his smile and relief growing as a small shuffle was heard and he looked up as a tiny figure materialized in front of him, a tiny fuzzy figure.

It looked like the child had been blended, poorly perhaps, with a wolf or canine of some sort as it had a short muzzle extruding from its face, two fuzzy ears that were firmly pressed against its head, and large golden eyes that continued to reflect that odd green light in them.

Raph almost laughed when he saw a rather adorable fluff of a tail twitch behind the child yet his amusement was quickly deflated for the look of pure misery on the kid’s face and the tears that matted the fur on its cheeks.

“Hey kid, I am Raphael.” He said quietly, happy his words weren’t as slurred as they were before, perhaps focusing on the kid was helping him think straight? “What’s, what’s your name?” He asked gently, smiling as kindly as he could with bleeding lips and he thought he might have scared the kid again because it whimpered.

**_Shit, can’t do nothing right…_** He thought angrily but his frustration shifted to confusion as the wolf-child moved closer to him and sniffled.

“I don’t member.” The little one said mournfully and Raphael blinked at the child in surprise and pity.

“Hey, that… That is ok.” The turtle assured the kid, uncertain what could have happened that made the child forget their own name but he didn’t have the time to really dig into that mystery deeper.. “We… Uhh, once we get outta here we can figure that out together alright?” He promised and was pleased as just a little glimmer of hope entered those wet wolven eyes.

“Y-Yeah?” The child asked as it moved closer and Raphael huffed as he saw it was wearing torn shorts and a tattered yellow shirt with a train on it.

** _Poor fucking kid, it looks like it’s maybe six years old. Sick fuckers!_ **

“Yeah,” Raph said in return, ignoring his growing fury as he forced himself to focus. “Listen, I… This cell looks pretty rusted, ya think there are any weak spots I can use to get you out?” He asked as he too peered along the edges of the bars.

The ship was obviously very old, the entire interior littered with rust spots and decay and he hoped against hope that the Foot soldiers figured it wouldn’t be a problem to leave a small kid in a rusted cage, it’d be better than having the adults in such weak holdings, right?

The child growled or hummed, Raph wasn’t sure, before it moved over to the left side of the cage. “Loose.” It said before pointing to the bottom corner of the bars. “Digging.” It added, lifting its clawed hands up and Raph felt his heart ache for the kid as he saw both dirt and blood on the little fingers.

“You have been d-digging? Good job, kiddo.” He commended the child as he crawled quietly over to the hole and took in what he had to work with.

For how small the child was he seemed to be doing a great job in taking apart what he could of the ship, the hole looked to be fairly large but hidden well by random pieces of metal placed over it.

**_M-Maybe if I dig a bit more the kid might be able to crawl under? _**He wondered as he moved back over to his own piece of metal and grabbed it.

“Listen, I am gonna help you dig but we gotta be quiet alright?” He said as he dug his tool into the metal and grit at the bottom of the bars.

The child nodded, their eyes looking nervously at the lab door before crouching down. “Quiet or bad man come.” He said brokenly and Raph ground his teeth together for the terror in the kid’s voice.

**_S-sick fucker… Fucking kid is t-terrorized from all this. _**He kept his demon back though well as much as he could considering how pissed he was about all of this, and he set his sights on digging. They dug in silence for the most part, the kid silent probably out of fear and Raph because of exhaustion and soon both of them were huffing from fatigue and effort.

The job wasn’t really that hard or wouldn’t have been were Raph in better condition. The metal was basically crumbling under them but with him openly bleeding, and with each jab his ribs gave to his lungs the young Hamato felt his energy draining faster and faster.

**_Sh-shit… How, how am I gonna keep this up? _**His anger had gotten him this far, well that and his infamous stubbornness, but they wouldn’t keep him going forever. Shit, beyond the numerous wounds, breaks, and bleeding he hadn’t slept in forever, hadn’t eaten, and he was very certain he was dangerously dehydrated…

Shit wasn’t looking good.

“Áhh, kid… Ok… Ok, maybe, maybe you can slide under now?” He gasped out after a time, his head falling back as he gulped for air and shivered from his fever.

The little wolf titled his head, peering at the hole worriedly. “Dunno, tight.”

Raph scoffed with a short nod. “I, I know kid but… I dunno if I can keep g-going. I, I am so f-fucking tired…” He stopped himself, a light blush forming on his cheeks as he mumbled an apology for his swearing but was pulled from his guilt as a strangled cry came from the child and he lowered his head to find the kid holding desperately to the bars, tears streaming down its face as it stared at Raphael desperately.

“Please, please don’t go? I try, I try fit.” The little one begged, its furry frame hitching as it wept and the Hamato just felt like a total pile of shit then.

“Ahhh, shit. I ain’t gonna leave ya kid. I, I am sorry.” He apologized to the child, lifting his hand up and gently placing it over the tiny trembling one. “We, we go together or not at all alright?” He promised, making sure to look the child directly in its eyes as he said it.

Perhaps it was a foolish promise, one that had a 98% chance of ending in misery and death but, but at least the kid could die with some hope in its heart.

**_Fucking depressing thought. _**He said to himself as he watched the little one smile at him and a flash of determination fleet through his tear filled eyes.

“Raphe good guy.” It said quietly and Raphael smiled sadly at the far too similar nickname before he snorted.

“I ain’t great kid, but I try. Alright, try and fit through.” He said, changing the subject as another blush began to form on his cheeks and he watched the child nod and move over to their hole. “Keep ya ears down and tail tucked and I think you can make it.” He instructed, smiling as the pup listened to everything he said without hesitation.

** _Poor kid is so lost… Ahhh fuck. If there is some kinda god, let me get him outta here, please?_ **

He leaned down, reaching for the kid’s hands with his good one. “Ok, go slow kiddo. Don’t want to get any deep wound with all this rust around man. Donnie tells me its hell.” He said as he carefully grasped onto the child’s arm.

“D-Donnie?” The child asked with a huff and Raph chuckled.

“Yeah, he’s my brother. Smart shit… Arrgh fuc… I mean. Damn, I have a terrible mouth kid, get used to it.” He grumbled apologetically and was surprised when he heard little ripples of laughter come from the child and he couldn’t help but chuckle despite himself.

“Well, at least you are in good spirits about it,” Raph began, his hope growing as the kid began to shimmy into the hole and under the bars. “There ya go… Almost kid, you are doing great.” He encouraged, his own hope energizing his ruined weary form when a sudden and jarring wail of an alarm suddenly filled the air and Raph felt what little blood he had in his face drain.

** _Shiiiiit, guess they know I am missing now, FUCK!_ **

“Help? Help please!?”

The turtle shook his head at the terrified cry and he clasped the child’s arm tightly. “Alright kid, I am going to pull you. I want you to tell me if I hurt you but, we gotta get the fuck out of here!” He told the child, trying to keep the panic out of his voice as he began to tug backwards. **_Shit, what am I gonna do now!?_**

He had to give the kid credit as it slowly shimmied out from his cage, he could tell a bit of the metal scraped the child pretty good but it never cried out or complained and after a few more agonizing tries it finally popped free.

“Oh thank god.” Raph exclaimed, his heart hammering as he heard a chorus of racing footsteps come from the level above him and he scooped the child up in his good arm, leaving his piece of metal on the floor behind him and began half stumbling, half running down the hall the chain between his legs jingling far too loudly as he moved.

**_Arrrgh, fucking chains are slowing me down! Shit, shit ,shit! What do I do? I got the kid but Leo! Arrrgh, what do I DO!? _**His fear and adrenaline gave him another burst of energy and helped clear his mind from the haze it had been in but he knew it would be short lived and he needed to make a choice.

Either run to freedom with just the kid or perhaps sacrifice them all by continuing his search for Leo.

**_SHIIIT! FUCK SHIT FUCK! Why, why can’t things ever be fucking easy!? _**He hobbled through the lower level, amazed and grateful that most of the activity seemed to be centered in the upper levels for now but he was lost in the ship and with the blaring siren overhead it just confused him all the more.

“Kid, do you know where the exit is?” He asked, his voice much louder than he would have wanted but he needed to yell over the chaos.

“N-No…” The child wept, clinging to the top of Raphael’s plastron desperately as they escaped, the little one’s head nuzzled close as he shook in the turtle’s arm.

“Alright, alright… That, that’s ok kid.” Raph assured his through labored pants. “Every… Everything will be ok.”

** _Fuck I hope it will be ok._ **

His legs were shaking terribly now, the pain that tore through them with each step just forcing him to push himself harder, to run faster even as the shackles dug into his ankles so badly they bleed.

He huffed when he finally saw a staircase up, his eyes scanning the top of the stairs for activity there as he held the little pup close. “We, fuck… We need to go up, there could be bad guys kid.’ He lowered his head, peering into the child’s golden eyes so that his next words were clearly understood.

“Kid, I… I may have to fight up there which means I would need to set you down. If I do, run.” He said sternly shaking his head the moment the little one began to protest. “No, no you fucking _run_ do you hear me? Find stairs and get to the main deck of this nightmare and escape. You are small, you can hide better than me. Be smart, be quick but run.”

“Run where?”

Raphael frowned, uncertain how to answer that question. Honestly he didn’t even know where they were now, were they even in the city any longer or were they in a different state now? Who knew?

** _Shit, I.. I am so outta my league here. If only I had found Leo, if only I was better at making decisons, if only my body wasn’t such a piece of shit right now, if only…_ **

Suddenly two little clawed hands reached up and rested on the side of his cheeks, the frantic and rather panicky turtle looking down to find the child looking at him intensely, far too intensely for one so young.

“Together or not at all.” The little voice told him, mimicking the words he had spoken earlier and Raph felt his heart break with them.

“No, no kid. You, you… I can’t let them take you again, I can’t let them hurt you. I…” A sob broke from his aching throat and his eyes burned with how incompetent he felt, how young and unsure. **_I fucked up so bad. SO bad and now everyone is gonna suffer for it, JUST LIKE ALWAYS!_**

“They can’t hurt ya…” The hulking turtle said mournfully, his arm tightening around the child as he leaned forwards and rested his forehead against the little wolf’s. “I am a terrible damn rescuer.”

“No, good! Little broken, but good.” The child told him and Raph chuckled bitterly at the words.

** _You have no idea how broken kid… Damnit, I never should have pulled him outta that cage, now everyone is looking for me, the kid might get screwed just because I tried to rescue him and Leo… Ohhh fuck it all… Leo, where are you? I, I need you so fucking much right now. You were always the hero, not me…_ **

** _Not me…_ **

“THERE HE IS!”

Whatever emotional rollercoaster he had been riding immediately crashed to a halt and Raph hardly spared a glance behind him, taking note of the handful of troops now running his way before he was bounding up the stairs blindly.

“Hold on kid!” He yelled, his tattered body again pulling strength from pure adrenaline and rage as he stumbled up the stairs his ankles bleeding more than ever now as the shackles continued to dig deep into his flesh.

**_Fuck! Where to go, where to go!? _**He wondered just to have his answer forced upon him as another gaggle of soldiers suddenly appeared to his right. **_Left it is._**

Again he took off again praying, _begging_ that his ankles wouldn’t break and legs wouldn’t collapse, that he could make it to the highest level of the ship. It was then that Raphael realized something and that something was that he had made a choice once the alarms went off, one that he didn’t even notice before, not fully at least and it filled his heart with warmth as well as frigid cold…

He was now choosing the life of this child over his brother.

He stumbled a bit with that epiphany his already thundering heart feeling like it was suddenly trapped in a vice of some sort and was slowly being squished tighter and tighter and tighter… **_Leo I… I am s-sorry…_**

“Ahhhhh!”

Raph’s head snapped up as the child cried out and pointed in front of them and he growled as another group of soldiers came running at them.

**_Arrrgh FUCK! Not ONE FUCKING BREAK! _**He spun peering behind him at the other approaching guards. Going back was out, going forwards lost so… What was around him?

Four doors were close to him, all of them shut and he had no idea what to expect inside but, he didn’t have much of a choice. He ran to the closest door. “I gotta put you down kid, stay between my legs.” He instructed as he placed the pup down as gently as he could and grabbed the wheel.

“Come on, COME ONNNNN!” He snarled as the half rusted valve stubbornly remained stuck in place. “ARRRGH FUCKING MOOOOVE!” He screamed , his rage, his demon at the forefront, more so than it had been this entire time and he nearly tore the wheel off as it finally worked through the rust that covered it and he stumbled forwards into darkness.

“IN KID!” He yelled, reaching out with his broken hand unconsciously as he grabbed the shirt and tugged, slamming the door shut and twisting the wheel as he stood against the metal.

He could hardly see around him but he could hear the child gasping for breath next to him. “Kid, you ok?” He asked raggedly, grimacing as the sound of many footsteps on the other side of the door.

“Mm ok. Raphe, what we gonna do?”

There was a bang on the door, the valve trying to turn but the turtle grunted and held it tightly in place, well… As well as he could with one hand. Grabbing the kid must have split his already broken limb even more so and now even just hanging it at his side made it throb as his blood raced through it.

“I… Shit kid, I dunno. I… I can’t see a fucking thing.” He muttered, that last streak of adrenaline quickly dissipating and the agony that had haunted him this whole time began to increase to an almost numbing level. **_I… I am s-so s-stupid. I… I won’t be able to keep them out forever, I just fucking trapped us…_**

** _What the fuck are we gonna do!?_ **

There were voices in the hall, screams and demands and something loud slammed against the metal door.

** _Fuck, fuck, fuck! _ **

He was exhausted, he was bleeding, and he had probably just damned not only himself but Leo and this poor kid to a far darker future than had already been promised…

**_Leo! Ohhh fuck man. I, I don’t know what to do! I, I tried… I tried so fucking hard. _**His eyes burned as he held tight to the door, despair clawing up his throat like acid…

** _Why can’t I ever get anything right? Leo I… I need you so much._ **

As more thundering bangs hit the door he tried to protect and the child he sought to protect curled itself around his leg, the young Hamato brother closed his eyes and whispered a prayer to any that would answer.

** _Please if, if there are gods, if there is anything up there help us… No. No help me help two innocents. Leo, this kid, they don’t deserve to suffer for my ignorance._ **

Another barrage of hits vibrated against the door he held shut and with it a few of his tears finally fell.

“R-Raphe, are we gonna die?”

The terrified child’s words were like a spear through Raphael’s heart and when he looked down he whimpered at the broken shimmer of pleading eyes he found.

“I…” He started, his words again catching in his far too dry throat. “I will be here.” He said at last, his broken, bleeding hand gently patting the child’s furred skull. “I, I won’t leave you to this nightmare kid, not unless they kill me first.” He promised, his teeth grating against one another as he grunted and another jarring vibration pulsed through the door he held shut.

The hits on the other side of the door increased, each bruising the terrified turtle’s shoulder more and he found himself praying once again to gods he never believed in.

** _Please, ohhh… Oh please don’t let this kid suffer for my stupidity. Don’t let Leo suffer for it… ANYONE suffer for it I… I… I was wrong. I tried to be better than I am, I tried to be more and now…_ **

** _And now, like always, the innocent will fucking suffer for it… Arrrgh FUCK! FUUUCK!_ **

“What have I d-done?” The far too young turtle asked, the alarm blaring overhead, the innocent child clutching to his leg as his storm brewed and demon whispered dark promises of relief that he tried to push back…

** _I… I need help. Don’t, don’t lose it, you can’t… Ohhhh I, I cannot do this alone! Please! Please, so-someone, anyone… Help… Help me, please?_ **

“Please…” Raphael begged with desperate tears and as the heavens remained silent the bangs of breaking metal and mournful weeping continued…


	11. Fractures in Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, this chapter is really a lead up to the next. Next chapter will be, dark... On NUMEROUS levels, poor Raph. Sooo, enjoy and sorry for errors!

“Raphe! What are we gonna do?” The child begged, clinging ever closer to the mutant, the freak, the _hero_ that saved him and Raphael almost crumbled at his words.

“I _won’t_ see them ruin you, kid.” Raph grated out, his aching body screaming at him constantly now as he continued to struggle to hold the door closed.

** _Please, please don’t let this be it! It… This kid doesn’t deserve to suffer because of me! Neither does Leo! Please, please fate… If you wanna fuck anyone over… Let, let it be ME!?_ **

The turtle growled as another barrage of hits vibrated against the door, his face twisting with rage and fear. “You gotta be strong kid. Be strong for me. Can you do that?” The turtle asked and he was rewarded with a determined growl.

**_Good job kid. _**The thought when he heard the child gasp and he tried to peer through the blackness to find out just what had startled him

“Hey kid what is wrong? You alright!?” He asked worriedly when he felt the child’s hands tug at his arm.

“Hole!”

Raph growled as he pressed his weight against the door as more bangs were heard and the wheel continued to try and move. “WHAT!?” He snapped at the kid, not meaning to sound so harsh but as things were he didn’t really blame himself.

“Hole, hole there!”

The turtle groaned miserably, peering around the darkness in confusion. “Hole? I, I don’t see anything but black.”

“Above, look up.”

**_Arrrgh, fucking kid, what is he… Or she going on about? I don’t see shit but… Wait, is that light? _**He narrowed his eyes, focusing hard on what appeared to be just a sliver of light maybe ten feet away from him in the ceiling…

“Holy shit…” Raphael whispered, his mind racing with plans. “I mean I, arrrgh… Anyways kid, can you see anything I can jam this door with?” He asked hurriedly figuring somehow the little one had better sight than he, or hoping for it at least and he was pleasantly pleased at the pup barked excitedly.

“Behind you, pole.”

“Good job kid!” The turtle shouted as he reached out with his broken hand and blindly searched the darkness behind him. “Where is it, left or right?”

“Uhhh… Left? No right!” The child answered him. “Back a little more, there! Yaaaay!”

Raph grinned at the child’s cheer yet it quickly turned to a grimace as he forced his broken digits to curl around the shaft and fire tore up his arm.

** _Arrrgh, fuck the pain! USE IT! _ **

“Arrrrgh!” He screamed, pushing through the agony and gripping the pole as tightly as he could all the while rocking back to pull it off the wall. He wasn’t sure how long the pole was, nor what it was used for but it seemed fairly heavy and either way it didn’t matter as long as it provided them enough time to get through the ceiling.

“Nnnngggg! FUUUUUCKING MOOOOVE!” He growled as he pulled back as hard as he could, his heart jumping as the metal began to creak, flecks of what he assumed was rust clattering against his arm with each inch it shifted until it came free!

“YES!” He cried, as he pulled the pole close and he almost shoved it through the wheel when another thought came to him. “Hey kid, I bet the end of this is jagged, could you try and smash the chain between my ankles with it?” He asked, knowing it was probably a far stretch to expect such a small child to be able to lift the pipe much less break a chain with it but as the weight of it was suddenly pulled out of his broken hand, much to his relief, he marveled as the kid began slamming it down with a force he certainly didn't expect. 

** _Damn, mutation seems to have given the kid unnatural strength. Good, means he might be able to take care of himself more than I…_ **

“OOOOOOWWWW f-fuuuudge _biscuits_!” He cried out, stopping himself from swearing as the end of the bar slammed into the top of his foot.

“Ohhh no! Mm sorry!” The child exclaimed but Raph waved off his worry.

“It’s, it’s ok kid.” He muttered painfully, widening his stance as much as he could as he waited for the kid to continue but it seemed it was frightened to try again as no hit came. “Heey, it really is alright kid. Please keep trying. I need this shi… I need the chains broken so I can move faster.”

“Oh, ok…” The little one whimpered as he began to again attack the chain.

It was a slow going process, considering what was on the other side of the door but eventually the child weakly cheered as the chain finally broke in half.

“Arrrgh FU… Uhhh, YEAH KID!” Raph joined him in his cheer, grabbing the pole from the exhausted pup and shoving it through the wheel. He made sure to shove it in there good, but not so good it would never come out again, in case he needed it as a weapon and was pleased when it halted any movement of the valve like handle… But it wouldn’t last forever.

“Ok, I can’t see shit, arrrr, I mean crap, sorry. Lead me to the hole?” He asked as he turned away from the door, and he smiled as the now familiar fuzzy hand curled around one of his fingers.

“I lead you, be safe!” The child assured him, and he allowed himself to be led forwards as banging and swearing echoed against the door behind him.

** _Damn, that pole is probably just as rusty as the rest of this place. We got minutes at most._ **

The little pull on his hand finally stopped after a time and he peered up at what appeared to be an equally dark room, and a hole that was far too small, for him at least. **_But it could save the kid. If he can get up there maybe he can hide until everything cools down._**

As much as he rejoiced in the thought of the child being safe he also realized he had just damned the kid to a plan of _nothing_. Once he got him away what would the kid do then? Where could he go, what would he do? Did he, did he just make this kid's life ten times more horrible by trying to free him?

**_Shit, I don’t have time for this! _**He reached down with his good hand, grasping the child’s scruff before lifting him up. “Kid, I don’t think I can fit through this." He started, ignoring the fearful whine that followed his words. “I know, I know I… I am sorry. I fuc… I screwed up bad kid, and I am so sorry but, but you can hide from them.”

“Don’t wanna be alone.” The little one whimpered softly, his voice hardly heard of the blare of alarms and banging and Raph sighed as he pulled the kid in close and hugged him.

“I know it’s scary kid but, but this is what we have to work with ok? I need you to be strong remember? Can you do that for me?”

“Y-yes…” A weak reply.

_BANG! _

Raphael flinched as the sound of bending metal was heard, the door was seconds from bursting open. “Ok kid, good job. Umm, I dunno where we are, and you are gonna be on your own again. I… I don’t know where we are but if you get out and we are in the city find a t.v. reporter April O’Neil she will help and won’t be afraid. She lives on the South end of the city, and shouldn’t be hard to find. If, if you can’t find her, go to the sewers. That is where I live, my brother has perimeter sensors, wander down there long enough and he will find you ok?”

_BANG! BANG!_

His heart was thundering, his guilt and anger coiling together like a storm, and he let it grow. “You will need to hide from people. They won’t understand why you look so different.” He told the child, his voice breaking a little as he said the warning, a warning he knew well and that had been instilled in him from an age much younger than this little one.

“How, how get away?” The kid cried, its tiny frame hitching as tears flowed and splattered on the turtle’s arm.

“I… I dunno kid. I am sorry.” Raph said hollowly, his head hanging shamefully. **_Did I just kill this kid because of my own weakness? I, I shoulda left him. I never shoulda taken him… Fuck, FUCK!_**

_BANG! _

_BANG!_

_CRACK!_

“OH FUCK!” Raph cried as a resounding cracking noise sounded and he spun as a sliver of light began to form in the doorway. “You, you need to go kid!” He said, standing on his tip toes as he lifted the child up as high as he could. “Grab, grab the edge kid, lift yourself up.”

“Don’t wanna go! Need Raphe!” The child cried clinging to his arm as it refused to move.

“Arrrgh, damnit kid GO! _GO PLEASE_!? I can’t see you _hurt_ cause I am a fucking idiot!” Raphael pleaded, the door caving in even more now and thought he couldn’t see the child’s expression, a fact he was grateful for, he knew the little one could see _his_ and he was sure he looked desperate.

“Please, please go." Raphael begged, every bang on the door resonating in his frantic heart. "Try, try for freedom kid, p-please? You, you don’t deserve to be in a cage for the rest of your life, go… Go and my brothers will help, I promise! Please… Please g-go? He asked, his voice breaking through the plea.

_ **Please give him the strength to do this, please let him find the others... I, I s-screwed up so FUCKING b-bad...** _

A long whine sounded after his words but eventually those little claws let go of their death like grip on him and he sighed as he felt the kid reach up.

“O-Ok… Ok…” The child said through hiccupped cries and slowly worked its way up into the ceiling, only slipping twice before all the weight on Raphael’s arm disappeared and with it eighty percent of his stress.

“Good job kid... G-good job.” Raph called proudly, brokenly before peering up into the darkness with a wide smile and he barely saw the glimmer of a fanged grin in return. “Remember, if you get out; sewers or April O’Neil. Remember to hide, don’t let yourself to be seen.” The young turtle reminded the child nervously, guilty... _**I have left him with nothing, no hope, no protection... Ohhh, FUCK! FUCK MEE!**_

“Gonna try.” The little uncertain voice answered and Raph nodded in response.

“I know, I know so... So get going kid. I will keep um distracted.” He promised with a determined yet fearful grin and the child smiled back.

“Wait!” The child cried and Raph jolted as a little paw touch his head.

He peered up, his eyes wide with fear for the breaking door yet dim with all of his failures when he felt the hand atop his head pat him comfortingly. “Love... Love you Raphe. Thank you.”

**_Oh… Shit. _**Raph smiled widened as his eyes filled with tears. “I… Thanks kid.” He muttered sheepishly. “Be smart, be safe ok? I will see ya again.” He said stiffly, uncertain if it was fare to promise such a ridiculous thing and with that he pulled away from the tiny hand and blindly made his way back to the door knocking into shit the entire way.

When he heard hesitant footsteps shuffle above him he breathed out in relief before shaking his head and focusing on what he needed to do now…

He rolled his aching shoulders as he grabbed the end of the pole he had set earlier, closing his eyes, and slowing his breathing before he dug deep into whatever reserves of energy he had and called for his demon.

** _Fuck this taking um alive, shit. I may go down but I am gonna take as many as these fuckers down as I can before I fall._ **

He breathed in deeply before tightening his hand around the pole and with a ragged scream ripped it from the wheel, his wide eyes watching as the door burst open and a handful of troops cried out as they came stumbling in.

_ **Fuck them, fuck all of this!** _

Raph grinned wickedly, lifting the pole high before bringing it down as hard as he could on the closest bastard he could find and he reveled in the sickening crunch of breaking bones and a splash of hot liquid sprayed along the bottom of his plastron but he hardly noticed as he jumped over what was sure to be a dead man and spun before smashing the pole into another wide eyed victim.

“ARRGH COME ON_ FUCKERS_! WHO IS LAUGHING _NOOOOW_!?” He bellowed, the pole not even stopping as it tore through another victim’s skull, bathing the mad turtle in another wave of blood and that was how it went.

One by one he decimated any who entered the little dark room, his _demon_ and rage feeding whatever energy he had left to this moment.

He swung, kicked, punched… He was lost to the chaos, everything that had happened to him feeding his starving muscles and the blood that spilled over him sated his thirst.

He was a _monster_, a relentless _beast_ that had been torture, shamed, _used_, and brought far too low recently and now… Now was his moment of _retribution_.

Soon the pile of dead or dying was nearly filling half the doorway and the demon knew if it got any higher he might just be locking himself in the room to starve to death.

** _Need to get oooouuut, need to get out into the hall!_ **

He scrambled backwards wildly, crouching on all fours, regardless his of broken bones and he tightened the muscles in his legs before breathing in deep and lunging forwards.

_ **Kill, KILL THEM ALL!!!** _

“RAAAAAWWWWGGGG!” The demon _SLAMMED_ into the few more soldiers that were trying to enter, his larger form barreling through them like they were little more that twigs and his airborne journey continued until he and those he took down with him slammed into the wall adjacent to the doorway and crumpled to the floor.

_ **Down, some down... Mooore to goooo... ** _

“Uhhh, aaahhhh _f-fuuuuck_…” The beast panted out as he used the bodies under him as leverage to force his broken form to rise.

**_Ahhh shit! What the… _** One of his legs was screaming with pain far more suddenly and he peered hazily down to find a half of a blade sticking out of his inner thigh.

**_Huh… When the fuck that happen? _**He wondered blearily before screams were heard and he raised his head to find even more Foot soldiers racing towards him.

**_Arrgh, do they ever fucking stop? _**The turtle wondered miserably, gripping the blade and pulling it from his leg without so much as a whimper. He could deal with his injuries later, for now he had more parasites to take care of.

He threw the broken blade down and grabbed another from an unconscious troop. **_Feels like Leo’s… _**He thought sadly before lifting the blade high, grateful for every sword lesson his brother had ever forced him to go through, no matter how much he had fought the older turtle.

** _Leo… Leo I… I fucked up today. I am sorry, I tried… I tried so f-fucking hard._ **

He roared as he ran at the new wave, his bloody feet slipping along the metal below and legs shaking so badly he knew they would collapse any minute but still he fought on.

Strike, parry, strike… A severed arm, a gushing torso, a dismembered head flying past his. There was nothing but crimson rain and screams of agony and the demon inside of him reveled in it all.

Personally Raph was impartial to gore, he had been taught to be better, to not fall to killing but here… Here in this nightmare where some poor kid was alone and trying to escape, where Leo was still locked away somewhere and he had been tortured… Well, frankly he didn’t give a_ fuck_ about morals right now...

Here his Demon reigned, here his monsters thrived...

He lusted for blood, for pain... 

They wanted to play at being monsters and because of their arrogant, wicked ways they had awoken a true creature of chaos.

** _Reap what ya sow FUCKERS!_**

The hall was littered with bodies, more and more falling around the creature. Yes, they had struck him as well but his _fury_ protected him from the worst of the pain, if anything it just added to the red haze he found himself in.

“ARRRRRRRRRGH!” The beast screamed another Foot member fell at his feet, the turtle roaring as his back arched and he bellowed madly towards the unseen heavens and his prey backed away fearfully with the ragged war cry.

“We, we need back up!” One shouted as he looked nervously at those around him.

“Fuck that, ain’t nobody bringing this bastard down.” Another shook his head as his sword shook before him.

“Ahhhh shit my leg, help, help mee!” A troop cried from under a pile of his comrades.

“Fuck you! Let’s get out of here!” One shrieked as he continued to back away and the beast sneered at them all as he started to advance when another cry came from behind him and he froze.

“DEEEEMOOOON!”

The beast snarled darkly, his blood soaked form slowly turning and he felt his heart skip as Gin Shi’s white figure filled his vision.

“_Yooooouuu_…” He growled savagely, falling to all fours as he centered all of his rage on the filth that had destroyed him so deeply. 

Shi smiled, his hand delicately holding the remote for the shock collar but he hesitated to press the button as he again found himself marveling at the might of his beautiful beast. **_He truly is a stunning creature. My Demon…_**

Shi had been in one of Shredder’s tactical meetings just moments ago, the scientist furious with how long the General had been given with his prize but his Master had ignored his complaints vowing to just kill the turtle if he were to continue to criticize his choice.

That had happened early in the morning and it made for a rather uncomfortable setting during the evening’s meeting but Shi didn’t care. The mutant was used to his Master’s ire and just as he was about to explain what his extended plans were for said turtle a solider had barged into the meeting and reported the turtle missing.

As much as Shi wanted to bask in the horror that fell over the General’s face in that moment he really just felt furious! Had his wonderful new pet left him!? Left him so soon and was he to have nothing to show for it!?

He had been up in a moment, racing out of the door before the General’s suddenly severed head hit the floor but again he couldn’t revel in the bastard’s destruction, he had needed to find his Demon.

His first thought was the collar as it also had a tracking device within it and he flew to his lab to collect the remote _he_ possessed for the device when he noticed the last cage was empty.

He had stared inside it just a moment, smiling curiously at the fact that the turtle had found it obligatory to free the child from his cage other than just freeing himself before he rushed into the lab, grabbed the remote, and flipped on the tracking program thus, how he made his way here.

“You could have run Demon and yet, here you still are… Why?” He asked smoothly, truly curious in why the beast hadn’t saved itself.

“WHERE IS LEO!?” The creature screamed furiously, his eyes narrowing as it bared its teeth at him and Shi felt a pang of jealousy course through his chest before, like all emotion, it was gone.

“Ahhh, I see now.” The snake grated out, his own eyes narrowing as he began to slowly advance on his prize. “That is why you didn’t run, your _love_.”

The turtle snarled at him once more. “_Where_ is _he?_” Raph asked again, his demon ready and waiting to tear into this fucker like no other he had tonight.

“I do not know.” Shi answered with a shrug, his answer easy because it was honest and when his beast growled louder, his blood soaked form lowering as he prepared to lunge at him the scientist smirked. “Are you planning to kill me Demon?” He asked, his voice husky and thick with need and his creature roared at him.

“I will rip you APARRRRT!” Raph yelled as he sprung forwards, all four limbs ripping him forwards broken or not and Shi just stood there.

“Come then _Pet_. Try and defy _your Master_.” He teased excitedly, his blood racing through his veins like fire.

“ARRRRGH! I HAVE NO MAAAASTER!” The raging turtle screamed just before bounding off the ground and throwing himself at the snake. **_I am gonna kill HIM!_**

Shi shivered in delight, pocketing the remote and lengthening his claws as he watched the mutant fly at him when a booming voice suddenly called out and his precious demon screamed.

“ENOUGH!”

Shi snarled as Shredder materialized to his right, the giant instantly clicking the button on his own remote and shocking the turtle.

Fire tore through Raphael’s neck, the already burned skin there breaking open once more and he fell unceremoniously out of the air landing hard, not two feet from his prey.

“Arrrrgh! Fuuu… FUUUUCKING _COWAAARRRDDS_!” Raphael screamed in fury, almost biting off his tongue for how badly he was jerking.

Shredder narrowed his eyes as he moved closer to the two, the clan leader glancing angrily at the dozens of dead soldiers that lay behind the mutant before turning on Shi. “You should have subdued him instantly Gin Shi.”

Shi bowed low before his Master, knowing the human would be upset over losing so many of his troops so, once again, he had to be careful in how he spoke to the man or else he might take his pet away from him. “Forgive me Master but given his state I thought it would be an easy win. I was wrong to prolong his capture, forgive me Master.”

Shredder growled at his slave but his fury wasn’t truly focused on the snake, for once, and he quickly turned to face the mewling wretch that still twitched and moaned at his feet. “Keeping you alive is becoming more and more costly to me Hamato. I am beginning to believe just putting you down would spare me more unnecessary losses.”

Raphael gritted his teeth as the spurts of energy continued to tear through him. “N-Not m-my f-fault y-your t-troops s-suck.” He answered brokenly, almost sobbing as the charge finally ended as he slumped limply to the floor.

**_Oh th-thank f-fucking god. F-Forgot bout c-c-collar… _**He berated himself, cursed his stupidity, how distracted he had become with the kid, how unprepared he was but… Shit, he was just so tired and now… Now he had nothing left.

No anger, no demon, no hope…

He had failed so terribly.

** _F-fuck… I, I c-can’t anymore, I can’t… Leo I… I am so sorry._ **

Shredder snarled before reaching down, grabbing the inert turtle by the neck, and lifting him up close to his masked face. His black eyes narrowed as he met Raph’s half lidded ones. “The trouble with you never seems to cease, does it _turtle_?”

Raph coughed, a renewed taste of blood filling his mouth as he did so. “I… I have h-heard I c-can be d-difficult. There’s a c-club annn everything. They g-got tee-sh-shirts.” He joked, uncertain where he was even getting the energy to talk much less stay conscious at this point… Maybe he was delirious?

Shredder scowled at him, his dark eyes flashing before he lifted his hand and gently traced his blades down the side of the turtle’s face. “Shi has expressed his need of you turtle, thus I shall give you a second chance to keep your increasingly worthless life but I feel slighted and believe a lesson must be learned here.”

Raphael laughed for some reason but it was hollow sounding and his eyes filled with tears as despair clenched its wicked talons around his heart. **_What else… What else can, can they do to me? What else can they… They take… Arggh, FUCK! FUCK! FUCK THEM!_**

Fire over took him, his demon snarling weakly as it tried to burst to life and he roared as he tensed his body to attack and that… That is when the strike hit him.

Shredder had apparently been expecting retaliation and swiftly brought his free arm back and _slammed_ it against the right side of the turtle’s already broken and bruised plastron and the creature shrieked as even more of his ribs shattered because of the contact.

“AHHHHHHH! FFFUUUUCK YOOOOUUUUUU!” Raph screamed his demon rising, his tattered mind delighting in the chaos, the agony that tore through him.

**_Fuuuuuckerrrrrr! I’LL KILL HIM! _**He thought madly, his good hand ripping at the one that held him and he didn’t even the feel the steel that tore through his already shredded digits. Everything was fire inside him, fire and madness and he let his demon revel in it all.

“ARRRRRGH!” He coiled his acid fueled leg muscles, kicking them out as he bellowed insanely and smashed them into Shredder’s protected torso.

The monstrous human stumbled back and yet his grip on Raphael’s throat never faltered and if anything only tightened. “Such an_ ignorant_ fool.” Shredder grated out angrily as he extended the blade on his free hand and raised them to the turtle’s frantically shaking head. “Let this be a lesson to you, _beast_.”

Raphael’s fury peeked as a blade cut deep above his right eye yet it quickly turned to a shriek of terror as the blade sliced through not only his brow but traveled lower and he choked on his screams as the cool metal ripped through his eyelid and dug deep into his socket, effectively blinding his right eye and the only thing he could do was scream…

** _My EYE! My FUCKING EYE!? He, he took it… HE TOOK IT!?_ **

He flailed in the iron fist that held him, tears raining freely from his left eye as the other dripped with blood, he was half blind now…

“If you ever try to escape again I shall take both,_ creature_!” Shredder promised his voice dark and yet terrifyingly controlled as the turtle in his hands crumbled even further into the madness that sought to consume him…

**_I… I can’t… My… MY FUCKING EYE! WHY! Ahhhh LEO! HELP MEEE! SOMEONE HELP MEEE!? _**A broken sob came from Raphael, his despair flaring hotter than ever as he was dropped, the hand holding him letting him go as one would a piece of trash and he fell to the ground, his good hand gripping at the mess that used to be his eye.

“Remember _creature_… Next time, I blind you.” Shredder promised before confidently, easily stepping over the moaning broken turtle yet he did look over his shoulder before he disappeared. “He is yours slave. Get me results, I am tired of killing my subordinates.”

Gin Shi stood in the doorway of his lab, his slitted eyes wide as he watched his Master walk away from the moaning turtle.

“Of course Master, my condolences over General Gao.” He responded, a slight twang of arrogance in his voice, one that his Master evidently caught on to as he paused his steps but the monstrous clan leader merely chuckled before continuing on.

“Do not force me to add you to my list, Shi. I would revel in your death but a moment, wretch. I have better adversaries to contend with.” Shredder threatened, his mask glimmer in the low light as he peered at the scientist before he laughed once more and continued down the hall and Gin Shi fumed behind him.

**_Oh Master… You think you have more pressing enemies… Let me correct your ignorant assumption… _**He thought bitterly before turning back to his prize that was currently curled up into a shaking ball and sobbing.

**_Hmmm… Perhaps my Master has helped me more than I realized. _**Shi pondered as he slowly strolled over to the youth and crouched down next to him.

Raphael sobbed harder as he felt a warm presence behind him and he cried out when a hand fell onto the top of his shoulder. “Nooo… _No p-please_… Pleeeease?” He begged, all of his earlier bravado and fury gone now as he cradled his bleeding face.

He had lost this fight, he had failed not only himself but Leo, the child and now… Now he was terrified, absolutely terrified, exhausted beyond understanding, starving to the point of delusions and... And so _fucking broken_.

** _I… I was so, so s-stupid… Always w-wrong. W-wrong… Ohhh shit… Help, please! F-father, L-Leo… H-Help… _ **

“H-Help…” He whispered brokenly, unconsciously and the only one to answer his ragged desperate pleas was the snake, the one that ate at his core, the one that healed him and yet… _Broke him_ so much deeper, and he shattered beneath the monster’s false promises…

“Shhhh, I have you now. There will be no pain from me, Demon.” Shi whispered, speaking just as softly as that blue masked turtle had at the docks and he smiled as the young turtle finally braved a peek at him with his one remaining eye.

“N-no m-more…” Raph whispered, his teeth chattering with fear. “P-please? N-No more… I, I c-can’t…”

Shi nodded, keeping his expression as soft as he could as he carefully inched his arms under the turtle’s form and picked him up gently. “I know my broken Pet. There shall be no more pain tonight, I will heal you, make you feel better…. There will be no more pain, I promise.” He assured his pet as he turned and began making his way to the lab.

Raph was hardly aware what was happening now, the world swaying in a calm yet agony ridden wave as all of the pain, the exhaustion, the fear he had been fighting against through his hectic, _failed_ journey fell upon him at once and he, he just cried.

He cried like a fucking baby but honestly, he didn’t care anymore. He didn’t want to be tough because really, all of this was just too big for him, he didn’t want to be brave because, that would make him feel bad for feeling so terrified, he… He just wanted the moment to be small, to be _held_, to be comforted as he was now?

Shi blinked in surprise as an odd sound came from the turtle, something almost akin to a contented purr of a kitten and he smiled as he realized it was coming from his Demon. **_What an interesting sound. One moment you hold nothing but screams and growls and the next… I wonder what other sounds I can pull from you? _**He mused as he pushed the door to his lab open and stepped inside.

“Do not worry Demon, you are safe now.” He promised through a fang filled smile and the young turtle could only sob in response.

** _I… I tried… I, I need help…_ **

“Let me take care of you now. No more pain tonight. Master will take care of you.” The white creature assured him, his silvery voice filling the tattered heart within his prize and he was again gifted with that sound, that churr of acceptance and…

And _submission._

Shi smiled as he laid his prize down, his violet yes shimmering in the brilliant lights of the lab. “Master is here, I will keep you safe Pet. Always safe.”

“S-Safe?” Raphael whispered desperately, no...

No, the _Demon_ whispered the words as it allowed itself to be strapped to the bed that its aching body rested upon and he felt his muscles relax as his Master pulled out that wondrous salve that took the pain away.

** _I am safe now… Mmm, I'm s-safe now. It's ok, it will be ok..._ **

"Open you legs Demon." His kind Master asked gently, softly as he opened the jar and began to apply the creme to the Demon's many wounds and... 

And the Demon listened.

_ **S-Safe now...** _


	12. Lost Spirits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It, it has been far too long since I wrote for this story and I am sorry.  
This chapter is heavy, this whole story is heavy haha. So, yeah.  
This chapter covers a bunch. It is long, it holds angst, longing, hope, and the broken nature of all the characters...  
Forgive errors but I, I just want to thank those that have supported this, you guys..  
I thank you so deeply!  
There is sex here, it might be in many chapters so, be aware?  
This is a dark story and not one for everyone but I hope the love and raw compassion shows through.  
Life is not always bright, there can be so much darkness but within that darkness such light can be found...  
So, anyways...  
Here it is...  
In all of its dark, raw, and scathing glory... The next chapter.

The door was heavy as it closed, the wood rough against his fingertips from years of moisture damage and the explosions that occurred within. Even now the air had the peculiar scent of sulfur.

**_Good ol’ Donnie. _**Leonardo thought as he shuffled into the large lab/ bed room after his brother. No matter how many times they had had to move the base over the years he could always count on his brother’s room to feel and smell the same. It was a comfort he didn’t realize he needed but with everything falling apart it helped his stress lower just a little but also got him thinking.

**_We haven’t moved the base in so long, too long as Splinter would say. _**It wasn’t like the family enjoyed having to abandon their home but after Shredder and the Foot had discovered them once, years ago, his father had insisted a move almost every two years. They had been here for a little over three.

Leo sighed as he looked behind him before closing the door, his blue eyes roaming over their little home longingly. Most of the brothers agreed this was the best lair they had had so far but that wasn’t why they had stayed beyond their time it, it was Splinter and his health.

Their Sensei began to fall ill around a year and a half ago and since then had been rapidly getting sicker. Leo knew he should have done something at the start of his sickness, when Splinter was healthier but he had foolishly, childishly hoped his father would improve over time so, they stayed.

Now with Raph being taken, their home overrun with unstable mutants for who knew how long he felt that failure wrap its talons around his throat even tighter. He wasn’t foolish enough to think Shredder wouldn’t try and get their current location from his brother and he knew Raph would do everything in his power to keep that information secret but…

But how much could he take?

**_Ohhh gods… _**Leonardo stumbled a bit, his stomach flipping for a moment and he wondered if he was going to lose that toast he had choked down earlier. **_Raphie, what are they doing to you? Arrrgh! Stop! I cannot focus on that. I, I have enough to worry about. I have to trust in him, him, Donnie, and Mikey. We need to work together, I can’t do all of this on my own… Now I just have to remind myself of that._**

Donatello had been watching his brother carefully as he cleared off a stool for Leo, his mouth was shut but his eyes constantly searching as they continued to fleet from his chore to his brother, he had some questions that needed answering. He just hoped his older brother would give him the answers.

“Here Leo, sit down. You look pretty pale man. Just be careful, the stool rolls” Donatello said, gesturing with one of his free hands to the freshly cleared seat. There was only one chair in the room but he didn’t mind standing.

Leo sighed as he shambled to the seat, he hated looking so weak in front of his brothers. Wasn’t he supposed to be the leader, wasn’t he supposed to be the strong one, why the hell was he so weak?

** _It is because of you, isn’t it Raph. Because you aren’t here._ **

As much as Raph might have fought with him over being some fearless leader, over being perfect he hoped his brother understood that without Raph it, it felt like Leo was only half the leader he should be. That thought surprised him as it did make him wonder…

Had it always been like that? Had he always suffered so deeply from the loss of his younger brother?

The simple, but not so simple answer was, yes. Yes he had. **_Raph without you I, I have never felt whole. No matter how frustrated I got with you, no matter how many times you pushed me away when I came looking for you, you always let me stay and I never wanted to leave. Not without you and now you are lost to me, further than you have ever been before and in a situation neither of us have training for..._**

His muscles burned as he lowered himself down, he was not looking forwards to this conversation. Yes, he knew he needed to understand their situation with the mutants better, yes they needed to make a plan, but it was the subject of Raph that he was afraid to talk about.

**_Raph… What do I say about what I saw? I want to keep it silent, for your sake and theirs but, but is that the right path? _**He forced a smile as Donatello set some piece of unusual equipment down before leaning nonchalantly against one of the overcrowded counters that lined the room.

Donnie may have appeared calm to any outsider but Leo knew his team, knew his brothers, and it was clear the younger turtle was nearly jumping out of his shell with worry.

“So, how are you feeling?” Donnie asked quietly, picking at his nails as he spoke but his attention never wavered when it came to his observation of Leo.

The eldest Hamato nodded but it was stiff and forced and his brother’s green eyes caught it all. “Better. Walking and the toast helped. Thank you.”

Donnie nodded in turn but allowed the silence that followed to linger a few moments more and that was telling.

**_He is giving me the chance to reveal what I have hidden. _**Leo thought, guilt gripping his heart but in his mind, even if he was wrong, he did not think it right to let his younger brothers in on the severity of Raphael’s capture and what it would mean for the future, for them or future Dealings with Raphael himself…

Not yet, at least.

“You sat in his seat Leo.” Donatello offered after a few more agonizing moments of silence, minutes where even though Leo hadn’t said anything he felt like he was lying the entire time.

Leo nodded stiffly. “I did.” A simple answer to a not so simple situation and Donnie knew it.

The younger turtle shook his head, peering around his lab as he tried to find the right words. “Leo, something is going on with you and I don’t want you to give me that crap about the mutants or father… It is something to do with Raph, isn’t it?”

Leonardo felt his throat tighten. **_Does he know? I was unconscious before the end. Did he see? Ohhh, how do I handle explaining what happened? How do I even try to explain? _**

It was a terrifying plight, something none of them had dealt with and they, as mutants, had dealt with many obscure dark realms of humanity but something like this…

** _Splinter, you never taught us how to deal with this. How to deal with such atrocities unless we were dealing with human victims…_ **

They had seen the result of such depravity over time. Dealing with crime in New York it was a given that some of those they saved were, were victims of a deeper, darker sickness but… But the teens were never there for the recovery of the victim.

They were never there for what happened after. They let police take over once the bad guys were taken but the victim…

The victim disappeared like they did and that was something that always sat poorly in their hearts.

Why were the victims not in the papers, the victims or the monsters that hurt them? Why were those monsters never charged? Why was it more understandable for a bank robber to be called out for justice and arrested than a rapist… There seemed a deeper swamp for those people, one they could slither their way out of if they had the money or power to do so…

** _Like the snake man…_ **

Leo grated his teeth together, turning his head to the side as tears burned in his eyes but he held control of himself. He had to.

“I am worried for him, Donnie. Very worried.” A weary omission of the entire story but with truth coiled between the lines, so… So it made the omission, the lie easier.

Donnie tilted his head, his eyes narrowed behind his mask as he stared at his brother. “I can see that, to a point, sure. We are all worried about Raph but you…” The younger turtle sighed, his fingers scratching at some gunk stuck on his counter before he continued. “Leo, you look worried beyond…”

Leo growled, slapping his hand against a lab table that was next to him and sending some circuitry clattering to the floor. “What is this, an interrogation!?” He snapped, his fear of discovery, his terror over Raph being taken, his confusion when it came to his brother and his own feelings all coming together in an instant and after his outburst he blinked in surprise to find himself standing, so did Donnie.

** _I, I didn’t mean to…_ **

“See? That is what I mean Leo! Look at you! You never lose control like this.” The purple masked turtle said waving his hands at his brother’s shaking form. “This, this is more than just being worried over him being captured! I know it! So, so why aren’t you letting me in?”

Leo forced himself to sit down before his legs collapsed under him. Considering the poison that still resided in his system, to the mutants freaking out in the living room, and his general state of chaos he felt he didn’t have the strength to keep himself up.

** _I, I need to be better, stronger…_ **

“Forgive me Donnie. You are right, stuff is different this time but…” He hesitated, rubbing the back of his head as his thoughts whirled. **_Man, what do I tell him? Do I tell him? Does Raph need that? Oh father, I wish I had your guidance right now. Would you know what to do? Would you know how to handle something like… Like all of this?_**

** _I don’t know if I can._ **

“Is, is it because of you two?” Donatello asked quietly, his voice hardly over a whisper but his words seemed to thunder between the two of them and Leo almost laughed.

** _Because of us? What… Oh man, he thinks with all that happened before that is why I am struggling!? Ha… It would almost be funny if…_ **

** _If only…_ **

He smiled as he shook his head, his eyes locked on his feet. “Donnie, I… I don’t know how to answer tha…”

“It is ok, ya know.” Donatello cut him off and Leo frowned as he raised his head and looked at his brother curiously.

“It is ok? What is?” He asked, not sure the two of them were on the same page but when you were dealing with lies and omissions, you needed to be careful in what you assumed… Damnit.

A light blush came over the younger turtle’s face. “I mean, you and Raph. That is, if it is consensual. I… Well I am saying I don’t care and I am sure Mikey wouldn’t… Is, is all.” He stammered out, his face a brilliant shade of red by the end and Leo could only stare at him stupidly.

“Raph and I… You think we… What? What do you mean?” He asked, his heart hammering for an entirely different reason, in spite of the dire circumstances they were facing and his lies. He certainly didn’t think he would be called out on his confusion dealing with Raph and his uhh, whatever it was that they had, or didn’t.

Donnie groaned loudly. “You and Raph, Leo. Do I have to spell it out for you!? Please don’t make me do that.” He pleaded, clasping his hands in front of him dramatically. “I just, ya know, with what happened in the training room and then the way you reacted to him being taken… I mean, of course you were worried, are worried but this, this look in your eyes is on a whole different level. AND, you took his chair! You never do that! Sooo… Arrrrgh, FINE I will SPELL it OUT! If you and Raph are a couple, it is OK as LOOONG as he treats YOU RIGHT!”

Leo blinked at his brother, his throat dry as bones now and body stiff. He was about to deny the accusation, tell his brother that honestly he didn’t know what he and Raph were to one another, because he didn’t, but…

But if Donnie was more focused on that then maybe it would stop the harder questions? Maybe it would cease his damningly brilliant mind from digging any deeper thus allowing Raph to hide what happened to him until _he_ was ready to come out with it once they freed him…

** _If we free him… NO! No don’t think like that! We will, we will save him and I, I will help him recover. It, it is MY FAULT he was captured. He took MY PLACE! He gave himself up for ME, it should have BEEN ME on my knees and… And…_ **

“Leo…” Donnie’s soft voice called to him and Leonardo snapped him head up just as his brother’s hand went to his cheek to wipe at some tears.

When had he started crying?

“Hey, it is ok. Everything will be ok.” Donatello assured him, kneeling in front his eldest brother and wrapping his arms around him tightly before leaning his head on Leo’s lap. “We will get him back ok? I swear we will and then you two. Gosh, I hope you two can work things out. It’d be nice if you got over being uncomfortable with loving one another. Make the arguments stop I think.” He said with a laugh but Leo, Leo could only stare at his brother in awe.

** _When did Donnie grow up? When did he stop being this little inquisitive turtle and now here he is giving me life advice… How could I miss that?_ **

He raised his hand and gently placed in on Donnie’s head. “I… Thank you Donnie, really. I, I do not have all the answers for this one I fear and without father…”

Donatello raised his head and winked at his brother. “Hey, don’t count out me and Mikey alright. Not only is that illogical on numerous levels it is also unfair. I mean, look at how we survived without you after all this shi… Umm, stuff went down.”

Leo chuckled. “You guys aren’t little kids anymore, I know that.” He said with a smile before sighing, wiping at his tears and focusing on the task at hand. “Ok, enough emotional talk for now. Raph and I, I dunno where that rabbit hole goes but, but we need to get him back so maybe I can find out.” He said with a wink of his own and Donatello rolled his eyes before standing up.

“Well at least you are admitting something is up. PHEW!”

Leo laughed awkwardly as his brother turned and began gathering some files and whatever information he needed to catch his elder brother up on. Leo watched him in silence, his movements articulated, practiced and far less tense than earlier. **_He seems to be at peace, more than before at least… That, that is good…_**

It was clear the younger turtle was satisfied in his questioning for now, thinking perhaps it was just Raph and Leo’s involvement that made the eldest turtle look so worried about things but if only he knew the truth.

Part of Leo ached to not be alone in this, to have someone to consult in but his father was too sick and the other person he would had confided in was, was…

**_Gone, taken by a monster. A monster I, I want to… _**The eldest Hamato brother froze as he felt his heart burn, burn hotter than ever before and a rage grew in him. A rage he had never felt before and he looked at the tips of his fingers, glaring at their scabbed tips from when he had torn into the floor of his father’s room so roughly they bled and again he wondered… **_Is this the rage you feel Raph, this anger? Is this why you pull away, to save us from this?_**

Leonardo felt his eyes burn but he kept his tears at bay as Donnie began to talk with him over what he had learned but as much as Leo tried to focus on his words his thoughts drifted, drifted too far and he felt so lost.

Everything was so big but he was the leader, he was the one to fix it but… But if only he had help. His eyes rose to his brother, studying the purple masked turtle as he clawed for a foundation, for something to hold to as his inner storm raged.

** _I could tell him, I could tell him right now and no longer have this burden, this horror to myself but what would that do to Raph once he comes back to us? Would he be able to look at them after everything? Or would his pride be too broken… Oh no._ **

His heart froze, his hands fisting as another thought, a terrible thought came to him. Would Raph even be able to face_ him_ after everything? Even though Leo didn’t know what was happening now he had seen Raph at one of the lowest points and to Raph, his pride meant so much…

Would Raphael ever allow himself to look at Leo the same way again or would, would he shy away, pull back from the only one he had ever opened up with until he just destroyed himself from the inside out?

** _Please Raphie, don’t do that. Don’t hide from me, I beg you. This is not your fault, anything that happens is not your fault._ **

** _Please, please remember that, for me…_ **

A desperate request, one unspoken but felt with every fiber of his being yet what strength did such truths hold against a warrior’s sense of pride and dignity?

Especially if it was stolen from him piece by agonizing piece…

** _………………………………_ **

** _F-failed… Failed, failed, failed… Mm sorry, so sorry… Mmmm s-sorry, sorry, sorry…_ **

** _Iss all mmmy f-fault._ **

Pain, agony, hunger, thirst, despair, guilt, shame, and fear burned through the broken turtle.

No, no fear wasn’t a strong enough word. Fear seemed so simple compared to what he was feeling, gentle even. Fear was fixable, fear was quick but this, this feeling, it went deeper than that. This ate at his core, gnawed at his flesh, tore through his bones and buried itself within his heart. Fear gave you reason to fight, gave you the strength to carry on but this, this made one useless, useless and lost, and made everything harder to understand but also…

Also made one cling to anything that comforted it, no matter if it all felt wrong and that, that was what was happening to the young turtle right now.

** _Pain… Pain going, going away. S-soft, soft voice, soft hands… Feels, feels good. No more pain…_ **

A soft wet cloth caressed his burning flesh, wiped slowly at the blood, carefully over the many gashes and tender bruises. The scent of soap filled the air, it smelt of lavender…

It was a good smell, the smell of healing, of safety…

** _S-Safe? Am safe now? Ever safe?_ **

Warm water splashed over him, his body arching at its comfort, how it eased the itching of healing wounds and dried blood away, how it soothed his aching muscles, that too smelt of lavender.

** _Smells sweet b-better, better than blood and sweat. _ **

The Demon whimpered when the cloth came to his torso, his broken ribs crunching somewhere deep inside and he was afraid, afraid more pain would come…

** _No, no, no more, no more… Good, be good… No more…_ **

Gin Shi smiled as Raphael’s frame began to shake again and he placed a hand on the turtle’s forehead to calm him. “Shhhh pet. Hush now, no pain from me, I promise.”

Raph keened. There it was, that silvery voice, a voice he hated yet clung to in the fog of pain he was locked in, lost in. Something, even now, told him to be fearful of the voice, to not trust the soft hands, to hate the scent of flowers but he found himself wondering, why?

Why hate this? Why hate any of this? This was soft, this was caring… It took his pain away, it was caring for him, this creature was caring for him. **_L-Like L-Leo d-does…_**

** _Leo…_ **

His whimper grew in volume as his tattered mind thought of his brother and how he had failed him and the child so terribly. Not only had he failed them but was trapped once again and was now h-half blind…

“Uhhh, L-Leoooo…” He moaned only to cry out as those soft hands suddenly pressed down too hard and he felt his ribs pop.

“Shhh, shhh now.” Shi cooed at the turtle yet his jaw was tight and a flair of jealously filled him for just a moment. He hadn’t meant to react that way but again his Demon pulled at emotions he had thought he had lost and the mere mention of the other turtle made him furious but also, got him thinking.

**_This Leonardo is a life-line. One I need to cut if he is ever to be mine and mine alone._**

He began washing Raphael once more, his movements extra gentle as he smiled at his prize, his Demon. “Forgive me, but Master doesn’t want to hear that name. That name only brings you pain, you don’t want more pain do you?”

Raph whimpered in confusion. **_P-pain? L-Leo doesn’t give p-pain… Does he? No, no…_**

“L-Leo don’t g-give p…AHHHH!” He sobbed as fire again erupted through his torso but it was quickly replaced with more soft words and caresses.

Shi forced a smile. “See? It does. Pain comes with that name my Demon. The name hurts your Master and then your Master needs to hurt you. Do you_ want_ to force me to hurt you? I do not want to, not at all, but if you do not behave…”

The turtle wept as he tried to curl into himself but all of his limbs were shackled.

Always chains.

Always pain, except now?

No pain now and he wanted to keep it that way.

“N-no… No more.” He begged flinching as he heard the man growl at him but he didn’t understand what he had done wrong.

“It is Master pet. Please address me properly?” Shi warned, his voice sweet as ever.

Raphael nodded jerkily, something again screaming at him that this was wrong but he, he didn’t want any more pain. He couldn’t handle more, no more today so… So what harm would it do to listen? Listen to his M-Master just for tonight and not mention Leo…

Leo…

** _NO! No don’t think of him! Pain then! No more pain!_ **

Again he flinched, afraid that his Master might even hear his thoughts of the other turtle but luckily, for now at least, his thoughts seemed to remain his own. His good eye creaked open a bit but he immediately closed it as the light in the room seemed to burn all the way to the back of his skull. “Uhhh, l-light…”

“Here my beautiful pet, Master will fix it. Master will fix anything for you.” Those wonderful hands disappeared then and the Demon whined at the loss of contact before he heard the sound of a switch clicking. “There you are, it is darker now Demon. You may open your eye.”

The Demon tried again to open his eye, trusting in his Master’s promise of safety. **_W-wait M-Master? Master? Yes, has to be. Just for now. S-say Master and no pain… No pain. Master takes pain…_**

He blinked a few times to clear his limited vision, his heart aching with the loss of his other eye and he recalled Shredder’s promise should he try and escape again.

** _He, he is gonna take both? Both and then I will be blind, blind through all of this? I, I can’t be blind! Never, never get out! Never get free, never know where I am, when a hit will come… _ **

** _Never see Leo’s s-smile again… Ohhhh gods… Ohhhh… Don’t think of HIM!_ **

Tears filled his amber eye, the liquid flowing down his check, it hurt him to cry but he couldn’t help it.

“Ohhhh pet, just look at you. Why, why were you so bad today?” His Master asked and the Demon shook his head.

“Dun… Dunno, dunno… ” He whimpered out, more tears falling yet when he tried to lift his hand to wipe them away he remembered his arms were currently strapped to the table.

Shi sighed as he saw a glimmer of panic fill the turtle’s eye. “Master will free your arms if you promise to be good. Will you be good for me pet?”

** _Pet? Pet… Yes, yes be good! Be good… Anything, just don’t take my other eye… Don’t wanna be blind…_ **

“Y-yes Master.” He promised, his voice slurring a bit as he nodded. He was so tired and terribly dehydrated, it hurt to swallow, felt like glass.

“Very well.” His Master said, the white image of the man filling the Demon’s vision finally and he felt the band around his wrist being loosened but he did hiss as his broken hand shifted a bit and fire rippled up the limb.

Shi shook his head as he peered over the mangled hand. “Just look what they did to you. So terrible. Would you like me to fix that Demon?”

Raph blinked up at the snake in hazy confusion and also a little hope. “P-please?” He implored, his voice little more than a whisper and his heart sang as his Master nodded.

“Of course, I will make everything better my pet.”

**_Better yeah, better here. Better… N-no breaking, fixing… _**Raph closed his eye again, his body relaxing a bit as his Master put the wash cloth away and began to work on his arm, setting it in a light cast, he then went on to his eye, wrapping his head in gauze and sterilizing the wound there. Bit by bit his Master pieced him back together and Raph was so very grateful for the kindness.

Time passed but the Demon knew not to fall asleep, to try would be pain so he fought it but, he would have been lying if he said it was an uncomfortable rest. In fact, this was the best he felt all day, for days, weeks? How long had it been?

** _Too, too long now… Dun member… Need s-sleep, need…_ **

“Here pet, drink slowly.”

Raphael nearly choked as his head was lifted and something cool pressed against his dry and flaking lips but when it began to dribble into him…

** _WATER!_ **

His heart began hammering, his one good but shaking arm reaching out to grab the bowl but it was quickly pulled away from him.

“Tut, tut Demon. Let Master do it. You have been thirsty for too long and if you drink too fast you will vomit.”

The young turtle whimpered at the scolding but dropped his arm quickly. For one he had no strength and two he didn’t want to lose the chance for a drink, he didn’t want to squander anything now…

Everything was precious.

Medicine was, a wash was, water, food, warmth, bandages, kind words, soft hands, hands that constantly rubbed him, a voice that soothed him and promised gifts if he was good.

** _Good, be good get things._ **

“Rest your head back, I have you pet.”

The Demon did as he was told, his body shivering with anticipation, excitement even and then the bowl tipped forwards and it was like heaven. Cool liquid splashed into his mouth, flowing over his burning tongue, down his bleeding throat yet the flow stopped almost as soon as it began and cried out in despair.

“M-Mooore!?” He begged gruffly, gulping down whatever spittle that had had a chance to be created in that small reprieve when he heard his Master growl again.

“Remember to address me properly, Demon.”

Raphael nodded, tears still dripping down his face as he mewled for forgiveness. “S-Sorry, sorry M-Master. More M-Master, p-please?”

Shi smiled, he was very pleased with his prize’s progression. “A little at a time, pet. I do not want to make you sick.” He stated before tilting the bowl once more and allowing a little to flow out and his Demon moaned wantonly at the gift…

A gift_ he_ provided.

** _So fragile now, my Demon. Such a drastic change compared to the beast you were in the hall. It seems everything he has gone through is finally catching up with him and Shredder, haha… I must thank him most of all._ **

Shi had been wondering, furiously overthinking how he could get the correct results from his prize over the last day or so. He knew his Demon was a fighter, one that would not go down easy nor allow himself to be weak willingly but after his failed escape and losing his eye the youth seemed far more malleable now.

Perfect for molding into whatever Shi needed him to be.

** _Nevermind the hunger, thirst, and lack of sleep. I just need to make sure he has enough energy to give me what I need. If I do not produce results Shredder will destroy him, I will not let that happen!_ **

He may not have enjoyed the power this turtle seemed to have over him, he didn’t like anyone having control over him, but at least with his Demon he didn’t _realize_ Shi’s growing obsession and maybe even Shi didn’t understand the weight of it either.

** _Nonsense, I know why I am doing this. I know what I want and my ultimate goal is to be free of Shredder, to cure myself of this wretched affliction and return to my life! This turtle, he is only the means of getting there…_ **

He gave his Demon a few more sips, staving off the worst of the dehydration before reaching over and grabbing a towel to dry his face.

“You made a bit of a mess Demon.” He told his pet quietly, wiping at the water that trailed done the turtle’s strong neck muscles.

“Mm, s-sorry M-Master.” Raphael answered wearily, his body becoming heavier as it started to fall unconscious and Shi frowned.

He was running out of time.

“You need to stay awake pet, or the collar will activate.” He reminded the turtle smiling as Raphael jerked in his arms and his eye flew open as panic set in. **_He needs to rest but not yet, not until I get what I want… Hmmm…_**

Shi’s smile grew as he gently laid the turtle back on the bed. “You must not tell anyone I gave you water Demon. My Master wants you weak, he wants you to break but he is cruel, isn’t he?” He asked as he walked around to the end of the bed and grabbed the salve off of one of the examination tables.

Raphael tried to calm himself after nearly falling asleep but he was so tired and weak he couldn’t get his mind to work right. **_What, what did he say? He in t-trouble, for me?_**

“I promised there would be no pain for you but I can see you are suffering pet. You are hungry, and tired… I want to help with that pain, as well as this kind.” He said as he moved closer to the end of the bed, setting himself so he was right between Raph’s shackled ankles and the turtle whimpered fearfully.

“N-Nooo… P-pleasssse…” He moaned, his good hand going between his legs to hide himself from the snake but Shi merely ignored his movements and began apply the paste on the many wounds that covered Raphael’s ankles.

“Address me properly pet, or my kindness will come to an end.” Shi threatened, tightening his hands around the bruised joint to make his point and Raphael cried out.

“ARRRGH! P-please Master!” He yelled as he jerked a bit but the painful hold immediately released and the tender caresses returned.

“See, you are in control of the amount of pain you feel Demon. You control whether it hurts here.” Shi explained sweetly as he smiled up at the turtle, his hands slowly moving up as he lathered more wounds with the salve. “Is this so terrible anyways? Am I so mean? I am not the one that has beaten you, I have healed you, given you water, I have allowed you to rest, I have given you pleasure…” He said his hands moving higher still and Raphael stiffened as his claws gently ran down his shaking hand that still covered his slit. “And this is how you repay me, defiance and fear?”

Raphael lowered his eye, his heart aching with a certain amount of guilt but he wasn’t sure how to feel about that. Why did he feel guilt? This, this was his enemy…

** _Enemy, enemies hurt me… I deserve to be hurt but he… He… What is he? What is he to me?_ **

“I have already been beaten because of you, hurt… Just imagine if Shredder knew I gave you water, if he knew I helped heal your wounds. I was just going to let him think it was you mutant abilities that expedited your healing, but you are too weak for that aren’t you?” Shi said sadly, or at least his voice sounded sad and he made sure to meet the turtle’s eye as he spoke. “I have done so much for you and am willing to do more but you fight me still. I can make it better.”

** _B-Better? N-No… No sick, sick and tw-twisted. Hurt, hurt me in other ways… Lies, just lies. But he is h-hurt too… He is hurt like me, like me but he gives me gifts, heals… I, I dunno what to THINK!_ **

Raphael’s resolve was crumbling and Shi could see it. **_Soft hearted Demon. Who would have guessed. I suppose it is not a surprise considering he sacrificed himself for his love and the child… I knew it would be a wonderful tool to use when it came to his lover but I am surprised it seems to work with me as well…_**

** _That is, unexpected._ **

Shi frowned at the thought, a feeling he didn’t understand filling him as he considered the revelation. His Demon felt bad for him, he could see it in his eye, his sad expression… Hell, he had seen if before when the youth said he was sorry that Shredder hurt him…

** _Arrrgh, focus! Focus on what needs to be done! He is weak and unsure, a perfect combination._ **

Shi smiled at the turtle, one hand slowly rubbing the cream on the gaping blade wound on the youth’s inner thigh as the other gently played with Raphael’s fingers he was covering himself with.

“I will do anything for you, heal you, give you strength, all of it against my Master’s wishes.” He said softly, his fingers wiggling between Raphael’s just a bit so that he could feel the wet slit under their tips. It was clear the poor thing was more than confused, guilt ridden and so lost all he needed was a tiny push and he would be Shi’s…

“It is ok to give in. It is ok to be small in front of me Demon. I can be your hero. You are the one that needs help now, yes? Let me help you.”

And there it was, the sentence that took that last wall and blew it apart and Shi reveled as his pet shattered before him.

It started with a shudder, the youth’s shoulders shaking as his body stiffened then his head dropped, his eye shutting and a small whimper before the sob escaped him…

Something broke, something deep inside, something bigger than all of the other cracks that had been eating at Raphael recently and when it did he was powerless to hold the pieces of him together.

** _H-help… Ohhh gods… Ohh gods h-help! Help! I, dun wanna be the hero… I n-need help!_ **

His hand pulled away, covering his face as he wept. He tried to curl into a ball, tried to hide his shameful, weak tears but his legs were shackled and…

“Shhh, it is alright, you don’t need to hide from me.”

Again that voice, that voice that no longer instilled fear only comfort… It was his Master that he had here, he was too weak to save anyone, he was a fool to have thought he could! Now he was broken, mangled, half blind, he needed help!

“H-Helllp M-Massster? P-pleasssse?” He begged through his wracking sobs and he went limp as his Master pushed him back down onto the bed.

“I will take all the pain away.” Shi promised him, lifting himself up onto the bed and over the crying turtle that cried beneath him. “Shhh, just feel. Feel now, no more thinking. Let me take over.”

No words came from the broken youth but he did nod before closing his eye and lowering his head in submission and Shi cheered internally.

**_Finally, finally I have gotten through his stubborn pride. He is mine now. _**He thought as he settled between the turtle’s legs and leaned forwards.

“Only pleasure now, Demon. Please me and you will be rewarded not only with pleasure but perhaps some food. Food and maybe, if you are exceptionally good, I will let you sleep.”

**_S-Sleep!? _**More tears fell from Raph’s closed eye, a mournful sob erupting from deep within him and his heart hammered with joy and hope.

If he could just get through this he could eat, eat and sleep and then maybe he could be strong again! He could fight back! All he needed to do was…

Was give in now.

He needed to ignore his shame, ignore his pride (not that there was much left) and give his Master what he wanted so…

So he did.

** _Mmm, sorry… Mmm sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry…._ **

He repeated those words as hands slid down the front of his plastron, whispering them to himself or some unknown person, he wasn’t sure, but the moment those soft hands dipped between his legs his muddled mind screamed at him and he cried out grabbing the snake’s wrist in a weak hold.

Shi frowned down at the turtle but kept his voice light. “Demon? Are you choosing pain over this? If so I can call the Foot. You may go back to your torture. It is your choice.”

**_Ch-choice? Wh-what ch-choice? Two evils… T-two evils but what is w-worse? _**He knew what was worse.

Raphael’s face scrunched up, his teeth chattering with fear and uncertainty before he nodded and released Shi. “F-furgive M-Mmmaster…” He whispered brokenly and Shi smiled in relief.

**_Seems that will of his is not completely broken but it is enough. We shall see how he fairs after tonight._** He thought as he placed his hand against the turtle’s slit and gently rubbed between the cartilage there.

“Just feel, feel and then you can eat and sleep before they take you from me again.”

“A-again?” Raphael croaked out, shaking his head as he turned away from Shi despairingly. “Pleassse n-nooo…”

“I am afraid I cannot stop them Demon. I can only heal you here. I am sorry.” Shi muttered, surprising even himself with his apology and his shock grew when Raphael turned and peered at him in confused appreciation.

“Is, isss ok.” The turtle told him, a small smile rising on his beak. “D… Th-thanks a-anyways.”

Shi blinked at him, his heart thumping loudly in his chest. **_He, he is thanking me? For what? For pretending to care? Pfft fool! _**He told himself yet couldn’t help but notice how the unexpected thank you made him feel, if only for a moment and he wondered if it was joy he had felt in that fleeting second?

**_Arrgh, you are becoming unfocused! Just get the job done! _**He told himself angrily but his heart did skip a bit as his prize moaned and he felt something bulge against the slit.

Perhaps his false kindness was paying off as the turtle was obviously getting excited from his touch and without his venom. **_Yes, there we are!_**

Raphael whimpered as a heat grew in his lower stomach, half hating himself for it but the other half told him he needed to do this. He needed to give in and then he could get stronger! He needed to be stronger!

Those gentle fingers began to rub harder, scratching now and then and the two sensations were dizzying.

“Unnn…” He moaned under the caress and his stomach muscles tightened making his ribs ache but the pain quickly mingled with the increasing heat and just added to his haze, a haze he welcomed.

In the haze he could forget what was really happening, he could ignore his shame. He needed to get stronger and this was the only way that was going to get it and that was when something happened…

It was something unexpected, something unconscious perhaps but Raph broke himself. Broke himself inside and took what was left of the old Raph and balled it up, pressed it together like some precious gem and he hid it, hid it somewhere deep inside himself.

He left his strength with the piece that remained but let his pride, let his sense of honor, all the good pieces of him hide away.

He could not let those parts of him be destroyed in this and he needed them gone if he were to survive.

He had no honor here.

No pride.

Nothing…

His moans grew louder once his shame lessened, once his fear ebbed. He needed to please his Master, please his Master to grow stronger and escape… He could do this and not be completely destroyed in the end, not if he hid enough of his old self away.

Right?

Shi was ignorant to what was happening within the youth and just marveled as the turtle reacted more willingly to his caresses and soon his thick shaft was fully extended and dripping with need. **_This is working better than I thought. _**He mused but knew he needed to keep on target.

He moved away from the turtle then, enjoying the moan of disappointment from his Demon as he quickly gathered the tools he would need for the procedure.

Raphael blearily watched the man grab a bad and some tubing, but with those came a needle. “Nnnggg, nooo… Be-been good…” He whimpered, shifting as far as his ankle shackles would allow him to and Shi hushed him.

“Shhh, do not worry. The needle is for your arm, I need some blood. The tube, well… That may hurt at first but I will help you forget the pain quickly.” He promised his Demon as he walked to the side of the bed and began to prep the turtle’s broken arm from the needle. “I will have to shackle your arm again so you do not move it during, well, the rest of the tests.” He said softly, noting the panic in the youth’s eye but it was clouded and submission instantly took over.

His Demon knew he had little choice in any of this and was learning not to waste his strength by trying to stop it.

Raph turned away as his arm was pulled down and strapped in, his earlier excitement waning as fear filled him but only for a moment as Shi leaned over and licked the tip of his shaft. “Uhhhh!”

Shi smiled at him. “Rub yourself while I get this ready. I do not want you going soft.” He suggested but Raphael wasn’t stupid, he knew it was a demand.

**_Ohh f-fuck… Please, please d-don’t make me… NO! Shut up! D-do what you n-need to. Do what it takes t-to s-survive! _**He yelled at himself, shutting his eye, desperately trying to hide away as humiliation coursed through his veins and he grabbed himself.

“Tut, tut, look at me Demon. Look at me as you please yourself.” The snake cooed to the turtle. He wanted Raphael to associate _him_ with any pleasure he felt, not get to close his eye and think of his love. _He_ was the one helping him now, _he_ was the one that suffered for him when it came to Shredder, _he_ was to be his Demon’s everything!

The turtle whimpered at his words but forced his eye to creak open and head turn so he was staring into those violet eyes.

“Go on.” Shi said quietly, licking at his fangs as he peered down at Raphael’s shaking hand. “You never need to be embarrassed in front of me Demon. You are mine and you are not to feel shame, not with me.”

A tear fell from Raphael’s eye and he nodded. “I… O-Okay.” He muttered breathing out brokenly as he began to pump his fist up and down his soft member all the while choking down any remnants of pride he may have left.

Gin Shi watched the youth, watched him crumble even further into the abyss of destruction, who knew the turtle would have so many layers to break through? As with everything he found himself captivated by this youth’s descent, it was stunning to watch and something he had not seen so clearly in so long.

Most of his experiments only fought for a short time, crying about their injections and the changes that came over them but all too soon they submitted. He didn’t like to watch them suffer, he was apathetic as always, but to see his Demon crack and fall apart it, it was like watching the sun rise after years of storms… And he didn’t know why.

Maybe it was because of the passion he found in the turtle, maybe because of the raw power, the fury, the compassion, the love… Whatever it was Shi wanted it all, wanted to control it all, since the beginning, and now… He was.

“Uhh… Uhhhh, f-fuck…” Raph gasped as the heat began to coil in his stomach again, half hating himself for it half reminding himself why he was doing this and the haze, it became even harder to control as the needle was pressed into him and his blood began to drain out…

That helped.

His hand began jerking quicker, his dizziness lending him more of a ‘fuck all’ state of mind and he was already so broken.

So what if he needed to play this sick game, he would get FOOD, he would get SLEEP, maybe more WATER!

Just the thought of his stomach being full and his body rested made him feel better and try harder, he was so tired…

Shi smiled as his Demon began arching into his own hand, the turtle’s eye never leaving his, it was a memorizing sight, one that built up his own heat and he felt himself grow hard. **_He is so beautiful, especially when he is broken, when he lets go…_**

Finally, when his pet was breathing unevenly and his eye began to roll back in his head, a telling sign of climax approaching Shi stopped him by placing his hand over Raph’s. “Wait pet. I need my sample.” He said with a smile before moving between his prize’s legs and pulling out the long tube that was connected to a bag.

Raph groaned miserably at the pause, he had been so close, so close to being done with nightmare, so close to having food… What did he do wrong? “M-Maassster?” He asked wearily, sluggishly… How much blood was he losing?

“This may hurt a bit, but it is necessary to procure a clean sample.” Shi told the disoriented turtle as he lifted the end of the thin tube up and grabbed his weeping shaft. “I must insert it into you. I am sorry but it will hurt, but just for a moment pet.”

**_In-inserrrt? Wasssa… Wasss insert? _** Raph wondered, blinking slowly in confusion until he saw the snake bring the tip of the tube to the tip of his dick and… And then begin pushing it inside.

It was a pain he had never felt before in his life.

“ARRRRRRGH!” He screamed, his back arching off the bed, his broken ribs screaming with him as tears poured from his eye. **_N-nnnnooo! Nooo pain! BEEENNN GOOOOD!_**

Shi frowned as he worked, slipping the tube in deeper and deeper into the shaft he held but he was happy the turtle was too weak to fight him and, the shackles helped. “Almost done pet, almost. You have been so good for Master.”

“Uuuuhhh! Uhhh p-pleeeease! Nooooo!” Raph cried out, his shattered mind reeling and body jerking as he willed the pain away. **_Pleasse… Pleasee. Helllp. Helllp! Leo… NO! No Leo cause pain! This pain? Ohhhh…_**

Finally the tube was set to the right depth and Shi smiled as the turtle slumped back to the bed, panting and sweating madly. “Shhh, it is all done now. The bad part is finished, now for your reward.” He said, gripping the now thicker shaft tighter before lowering his head between the turtle’s legs and flicking his tongue over the tight wet hole right above his pet’s tail…

“AAAAHHHHH!” Raph screamed but this time it was in pleasure. Yes the tube was killing him, it hurt horribly but between that and the blinding pleasure of being jerked off and licked it made everything a mess to understand. **_MMM good, baaaaad… Uuhhhhhh!_**

“Mmmm, pet, my Demon… You taste so incredible.” Shi moaned, his own lust nearly consuming him as his victory neared. He was winning, he was taming his pet, his wild Demon and all without the help of his venom. It was exhilarating!

His tongue wiggled into the puckered hole, swirling as his hand pumped the thick member within it and Raph, he lost himself to all of it.

“Unnn, p-pleeease. PLEASE! Unnnnn FUCK!” His body began to react without thought, his hips rising into the warmth of the hand that held him and pushed down on the tongue that impaled him… It felt so good! Soooo good compared to the pain he had been through, the agony…

No longer did he feel shame, no longer did he question anything, he wanted this, this bliss. He wanted to stay here where he could drink water, maybe eat and all it took was mind numbing pleasure to get it? Who wouldn’t want that!? So…

So why did shadows inside him continue to scream out, why were they trying to ruin this for him?

He didn’t understand.

The tongue pulled away and he sobbed at its loss, his head lifting off the bed as he stared blearily at his Master and was surprised when he found the man stepping away from him before he began unwrapping the long white cloak that covered him.

**_Issss naked? Naaked like meee… Mee naked… _**His head turned then, his hazy mind working through that realization. He had almost forgotten he was naked, had been for so long… His eye rolled as Shi undressed, scanning over the bottles and containers that sat next to him on a counter and he frowned when he caught a reflection of himself in one of the metal containers…

Or, was it someone else?

The turtle that stared back at him had no mask, one eye was wrapped up in bandages and new wounds littered his entire head. Purple bruises, gashes that still bled, his lips were dry and split in places…

Who was this?

This wasn’t him, was it?

**_Nooo… Nooo Raph gone. _**He told himself, thinking of what he had wrapped away earlier and he was grateful for it but if he wasn’t Raph anymore, who was he…

“Demon, look at me.”

The name resonated with the lost turtle, it was something he recognized and the silvery voice that spoke it brought back memories of pleasure and healing… Was he just Demon now?

It seemed so as he quickly followed his Master’s instruction and he felt good when he saw the man smile at his obedience… Smiles meant he did well, Demon did well.

** _Demooon… A-always been a demon… B-Better, better this waaaay… Don hurt nobody… Don mess up. Massterrr rewaarrrds. Easy, easy to beee Demmmonnn. Wat suppose to bee… _ **

He churred as his Master moved forwards, his eye roaming over the man’s thin but powerful frame. Like the wolf pup it was clear that his mutation had not worked as cleanly as it should have but unlike the intermittent tuffs of fur that had covered the kid his Master…

His Master glowed.

There was human skin but scattered about were patches of the most brilliant iridescent scales, their colors changing from silver to blue, purple, pink… It was dazzling.

His Master was dazzling except, except the scars…

Shi watched his Demon take him in, his violet eyes sharp yet his heart was hammering for some reason. He wondered what the turtle would think of him, him and his imperfect, wretchedly botched body when he realized something…

This was the first time he had been naked with anyone but himself and the doctors that did this to him.

His jaw clenched as the turtle frowned at him. “Do you think me ugly Demon?” He asked, his voice neutral but muscles tense with anger and shame and he expected the emotions to pass quickly, as they always did, but for some reason he continued to feel them and that, that hurt him.

**_He thinks I am disgusting doesn’t he? Why wouldn’t he, he a perfect blend, a perfect specimen think any different! _**Shi thought angrily until his Demon spoke…

“S-Scars… Mmm s-sorry..” The turtle said, his hand lifting weakly as he pointed to the jagged lines that were carved into his marred flesh.

**_S-Scars? _**Shi blinked at the turtle, of all the things he expected to be commented on by his prize he hadn’t even considered his scars…

He looked down, his eyes falling to the pink puffy marks, he had so many scars but scars were at least normal. He had been worried for the patches of scales or flesh, he wasn’t certain what embarrassed him more really, he just wished he was one of something.

Either be a snake mutant or human but not this mismatched failed experiment.

**_But he, he focuses on my scars, my pain…_**Shi cleared his throat, far too aware of how tight it had become as he forced himself to apathy.

How odd it was that he had felt nothing for years and yet with his Demon he needed to fight to produce such a reaction.

“We all have scars, don’t we?” He eventually answered with a noncommittal shrug before moving closer to the end of the bed and pulling himself up. “Beyond the scars… Do, do you think I am unpleasant?” He asked, cursing himself for caring what his pet thought but… But he had cared, cared since he had been turned and…

“P-Preeetty…” The Demon slurred out, his hand unconsciously lifting and tracing one of the patches that covered the man’s upper torso. “Iss glittery.”

** _Pretty? M-Me?_ **

Shi couldn’t breathe, his eyes wide as his Demon continued to touch his affliction like, like it was nothing, like it was pretty. **_He thinks it is pretty, the curse, the infection that has haunted me for years, that makes me hide… Oh my Demon…_**

So lost in the glittering, albeit, blurry lights in front of him the young turtle seemed to forget the significance of his Master being on top of him and them both being naked until he felt the man shift a bit and something thick nudge against him, just above his tail.

“Uhhh!” Panic filled him, the hand that had been playing with the lights gripping the bed side as he tried to pull away but his Master merely smiled.

“You are mine Demon, I want you to be mine.” Shi said quietly, keeping his smile bright and eyes soft. “You want me to protect you don’t you? Don’t you appreciate what I have done for you?” He asked and his Demon whimpered.

He did appreciate it, he knew he was only feeling better because of this man because of… Wait, what was his name again? Was it always Master?

He couldn’t remember.

The pressure built as his Master moved his hips a bit more forwards and the Demon clenched his teeth, the broken ones grinding uncomfortably but he did not shy away. “A-apppreciate… Preciate Massster.” He answered, brokenly, fearfully and his Master gifted him with a smile.

“You have done so well my Demon. So very well, and after this food and rest.” He lowered his chest, careful of the turtle’s wounded plastron and broken ribs. “I will give you everything Demon. Trust in me, be mine… Tell me you are mine.” He whispered, his tongue lapping at the turtle’s neck…

The Demon sobbed in confusion, the pain below mingled with the soft caresses above. He wanted to eat, he wanted to sleep, he wanted this kindness so, so why was something screaming at HIM!?

Screaming so loudly and it hurt!

** _Nnnnrrraaa, LEAVE MEEE! Leave meee alooone! Iss good! Mmmm good! Massster good! Masterrr herrro!_ **

Hero…

His hero?

He groaned as that pressure pressed in deeper, his flesh screaming, stretching…. Something was about to be taken from him, something he wanted for someone else but who? Who else had he seen as a hero, as someone so important?

“Tell me, tell me Demon. Tell me you are mine.” Shi demanded breathlessly, his body shaking for how hard he was holding himself back but this, this was an important moment, it could not be rushed.

He needed his Demon to fall to him, not just be forced into falling but to admit his fall, admit that he lost. He didn’t care if it was only for tonight, he would remember and so would his prize and that, that would make breaking him the next day easier, and the next, and the next…

The Demon shook his head, those screams telling him to run, to fight but he couldn’t not if he wanted to live! To live and it not all be agony. His Master was everything, had given him so much, how dare he not give a little back?

His eye caught the needle stuck in his arm, his eyes traveling up the red tube, his blood… **_Master deserves blood, deservesss thannnnks. Already hurrrt cause mee… Bloood for w-waterrr…_**

He jumped a bit as his Master’s claws raked down the side of his neck, the pain forcing him to look back into those violet eyes, eyes that were so much clearer than his, clearer, more in control,… Stronger even?

Stronger than him.

** _Herooo…_ **

Another inch entered him and he arched against the pain, the invasion but…

But wasn’t there someone else? Someone that he yearned for more?

Why couldn’t he remember!?

“Demon, give yourself to me and I will give you everything.” Shi whispered, his lips so close to the Demon’s bleeding ones.

“M-Massster, hurrrts.” The Demon moaned and his Master nodded.

“It hurts when we change, when we evolve into something new and today you are evolving. Evolving into you Master’s perfect creation.” Shi said, moving in a little deeper. “You are stunning pet, so stunning. I want you, I want you terribly… Master loves his Demon.”

The turtle froze at the words, his heart clenching as if it was in a vice and suddenly he couldn’t breathe. **_L-love?_**

** _Love? He, he loves… He loves m-me?_ **

Someone loved him?

Someone…

He was loved.

As ruined, as broken, as wicked, as wretched as he was he… He was loved!?

“Oooohhhh f-fuuuuck….” A shattered cry erupted from him, the sound ragged and wild before his free hand gripped his Master’s side and rolled his hips forwards. “Masssterr! I am yourrrs! Demon, Demooooonnnn youurrrs!” He moaned, he begged, he promised and the snake…

The snake watched in wicked joy.

“Yes, you are.” Shi growled hungrily before _slamming _his hips forwards, his thick length spearing the turtle to hilt.

The turtle screamed or tried to but there were lips then, lips over his and all that came from him was a muted cry as his Master took him. **_Be hisss… He lovessss, loveesss loveless meee…_**

** _Lovelesss…_ **

It hurt, it hurt terribly but he felt safe, safe and he didn’t need to be in control, he didn’t need to think, no one needed him, no one but his Master.

** _He lovessss meee…_ **

Not like he could save anyone anyways.

** _Mmmm lovvvved…._ **

He had tried, tried and failed and now, now he could be small, he could be held, he…

He was loved.

** _N-nnnot alone!_ **

“UUUUHHH! M-Maaaaster!” He mewled, his body jerking with each violent thrust but he didn’t complain, this was for his Master and the pain didn’t last long, like his Master had promised and soon, soon he was moaning.

The shaft within him hit spots he didn’t know existed, spots the tail had only teased at and it was so much thicker! That gland hidden deep within him was pressed upon over and over and there were other spots too… It was amazing, mind numbing, everything he ever wanted with his love.

Love?

Love, hero…

Love, hero, Master or, or was it leader?

Why did those words feel so strange? Why did it feel wrong to associate them with his Master, his savior?

Who else could they be for?

There was no one else, was there?

As Raphael struggled within himself, the screams fighting against the shattered remains of himself Gin Shi was ignorant to it all as he tore into his prize.

To Shi he had done it, he had tamed the beast, tamed his Demon and now he was his everything!

He looked down at his prize’s thick length and smiled. “I want you to cum pet. Can you do that for Master?” He asked, lifting himself up so he knelt at the end of the bed and he nearly laughed as his hand encircled the turtle’s member and he began to stroke it and…

And his Demon bellowed in pleasure.

“AAAAAAAARRRRRGH! YEEES! PLEASE! Uhhhh, unnnnn FUUUCK! H-Harder! Master HARDER!” The lost turtle begged, his worry falling away as his Master plowed into him and pulled at his shaft.

He could think of things later.

“Uhhhh, uhhhh such a good boooy!” Shi growled, his hips working faster and faster, the heat in his stomach rising and balls clenching. He was close and so was his Demon.

Shi luckily kept enough sense to not jerk the tube out and kept a watchful eye on the bag at the side of the bed, he needed this sample. He needed to keep this wonderful creature alive because, in so many unexpected ways, it was keeping him alive.

“Come on, cooome oooon Demon! Give in! Give in to meee!” He encouraged, shifting his hips a bit more, angling them to hit just the right spot before plunging back in. He thrust harder then, his muscles screaming and cock aching for release but, but he needed to wait…

Wait for his Demon.

Raph, or was it Demon now, was lost, lost in a world of pleasure of ignorance, of pain and pleasure. He delighted in the wet sucking noises that filled the air, the heavy scent of sweat and arousal, and lavender…

“NNNNNGGGGG!” The turtle’s stomach clenched then, his limited vision going white as he gave himself over, gave himself to the one that loved him, cared for him and spilled his essence into him just like he had dreamed.

Dreamed…

His body fell to the bed, his vision white and then the world fell away and, and there were stars…

Stars and water?

…………

Shi roared as he too found his end, his back arching as he thrusted deep inside and spilt his seed. He was beyond pleased with tonight’s outcome.

Smiling weakly Shi looked down at the bag, surprised by the sheer volume of liquid that now filled it, he could only imagine what it would feel like to be on the receiving end of that.

**_Perhaps another time, when I have more to study. _**He thought, his mind whirling with emotions, emotions he hadn’t felt but pieces of for so long and now, now he just felt overwhelmed by them all.

He groaned as he pulled himself out of that wonderfully wet tunnel, chuckling as some of his cum dripped from the turtle’s precious place… He had done it, he had claimed this magnificent, mighty creature for himself.

The Demon was his.

“You, you did very well.” He said weakly, his legs shaking as he lowered himself to the ground. He felt better than he had in years and it was all because of his Demon. His smile continued to grow as he scanned over the scales that he had hated for so long, the body he had hated for so long and he recalled his pet’s words…

** _He thinks they are pretty. Huh. Imagine that._ **

Shi lifted his head, swiping some hair out of his face as his Demon remained silent, he wondered if the turtle were going to start in on torturing himself for letting go. He hoped not but he would be there to guide him back, a little food would help with that, food and…

He frowned as he scanned over the turtle, his eyes narrowing when he noticed the turtle was twitching terribly yet no sound was escaping him. **_Why is he twitching? Why is he silent? What… What is that smell!?_**

Shi’s concern tripled as a burning scent suddenly filed the air, his eyes going wide as he finally put the pieces together and jumped at his prize in desperation. “DEMON!” He screamed even though he knew it was useless.

Right now his pet, his treasure was unconscious and the collar was burning into the side of his neck as it electrocuted him over and over again.

“ARRRGH CURSES!” Shi swore as he grabbed at the collar just to scream as he was instantly thrown from the charge his body slamming into one of his counters and tail bending terribly as he fell to the floor.

**_Arrrgh you fool! You are letting these damn emotions get the best of you! THINK! Get the remote! _**He scrambled to his feet, his aching tired body weaving through too much gear, too many tables everything taking too much time until he finally saw what he needed.

**_FINALLY! _**He cheered as his claws wrapped around the device, his hands shaking as he turned it over and hit the right button…

“Uuuuuhhh…” A low groan came from his Demon, one that sounded wet, too wet for one so dehydrated and Shi again cursed himself as he ran back to the turtle.

**_Nooo. _**His eyes bulged as blood began bubbling up from his pet’s beak, the liquid dripping out in small rivulets but most remained in his mouth and it was obviously beginning to choke him.

Shi jumped over one small counter, his twisted tail knocking over beakers and tools and as he landed he hissed as his bare feet crunched upon the many shards. “DAMNIT!” He screamed, but pushed past the pain as he stumbled up the bed, immediately lifting the turtle’s head and turning it sideways.

“Come on! Cough!” He yelled, patting the back of the youth’s head and neck. Blood was dripping out but the mutant was jerking as he tried to get air to his burning lungs.

** _Please! Please come back to meee!_ **

“BREATHE DAMINT! Come back to meeee!?”

** _……………_ **

_"Meeee..."_

_There were voices, light, agony, and silence…_

_Raphael groaned, a pain, a fire in his throat and heart but those were simple sensations, far away because he, he was too busy staring at the stars above him…_

_“Uuuh gods… WH-what?” Raphael panted, any pain or pleasure falling away as stars began to twinkle in front of him, and a splash sounded…_

** _What, what is happening? _ ** _He wondered, his thoughts oddly clear in this strange space and when he looked towards the sound of the splash he felt his breath stick in his lungs…_

_There he was, the one he had forgotten, the one he wasn’t supposed to mention, to think about in all of his magnificent splendor._

_His brother Leonardo stood at the other end of a shallow pool, the blue masked turtle smiling that perfect smile as he glanced at Raph. His skin glittered with dew, his blue eyes looking like gemstones… How, how could he forget?_

_“L-Leo…” He whispered gruffly, his eyes, he had two here, filling with tears as all the shame he had pushed away, the guilt he ignored came crashing down upon him all at once._

** _Noooo! NO I didn’t mean to! I, I love him! He is the one I love!_ **

_Raph tried to crawl to his brother, crawl to the one he trusted, adored most in the world but the moment he tried he choked as chains wrapped around him and he was pulled back into shimmering warm arms._

_“Remember, you said you are mine now.” Shi, not Master, whispered to him and Raph growled._

_“Nnnoooo! NEVER!” He spat, fighting against the chains and Shi tsked sadly at him._

_“Very well, then ask him. Ask him whom he loves, if he loves you… As I do.”_

_Raph reminded himself to breathe as he looked between the two, his heart thumping so loudly he could hardly hear the request, one he didn’t want to comply with._

_He was terrified of the answer._

_Shi leaned down, lightly licking the tears from his cheek. “Ask him pet. Ask him if he loves you. Do not be afraid…”_

_Raph opened his beak, a retort, something sarcastic right there on his tongue but… But nothing came out, in fact he felt like he was suffocating._

_Was he so afraid? So afraid of being rejected?_

** _I don’t… I don’t want to ask him! If I ask then, then I can’t pretend anymore, I cannot hope…_ **

** _Hope for the impossible…_ **

_Images came then, him forcing Leo against the wall, Mikey attacking him, Donnie throwing him away and demanding he leave…_

_He didn’t belong with them, did he?_

** _M-Master p-please, please don’t make me ask that… _ ** _He begged he pleaded and a voice, not Leo’s answered._

_“Please, please come back to your Master! Please!? I, I need you! I love you!”_

_Raphael lowered his head, his heart thundering. _

_What was worse? Chasing Leo for nothing, to only be seen as a monster or… Or to be accepted by a monster for who he was?_

** _Lesser of two evils…_ **

_He tried to breathe, tried to answer but only fire filled his lungs then and as Leo turned away he heard his Master’s voice._

_“C-come on! Breathe! Master has you! I am here!”_

** _He is and Leo… Leo I have failed. I am disgusting now, putrid and, and if Leo didn’t love me before now, now he would hate me…_ **

_He sobbed as the elder turtle scoffed and walked away from him. “I expected better from you Raph…” Leo muttered as he walked away, Raphael’s arms reaching out to his elder brother but, but he didn’t blame his abandonment…_

_Had he not given Leo every reason to abandon him, had he not given it to his entire family?_

** _I, I deserve to be alone…_ **

_“Don’t leave ME!”_

_Raphael, or was it Demon now looked up, looked up and found his Master crying over him as he tried to breathe._

** _M-Master, are… Are you crying for me? I… I am sorry… _ **

_The light continued to fall away, his lungs burning but then there was a hit, something that brought him to the surface of the waves he was struggling through and then…_

AIR!

…………………..

**_DAMNIT BREATHE! _**Gin Shi begged as he held his Demon’s head.

**_Please, you can’t die! I, I NEED YOU! Only with you do I feel! Only with you am I not some FREAK! _**He screamed silently, his hits becoming more and more forceful and finally the turtle gagged vomited the blockage free.

“UUUUHHHH!” His Demon cried, whimpering as his tattered frame reeled in pain but gasped for air…

“Ohhh, ohhh thank you.” Shi whispered raggedly, his legs covered in the turtle’s vomit and blood but, but his Demon was breathing again.

“Unnn…” The turtle moaned, his body shaking from loss of blood and pain and Shi cupped his head close.

“Shhh, Master has you now. You are safe, you are alright now.” He cooed, his heart beating so fast he felt faint. **_How, how do you do this to me Demon? I have felt nothing for so long, I have been like a machine but with you everything is so much brighter, so much richer._**

He smiled as his Demon sobbed, clutching at his arms as he spit out more blood and wept. “M-Master… Masterrr. Thannnnk yooou… L-Loove yooou…”

Shi sighed, his eyes burning as he held his Demon close. “I… I love you. Forgive me, forgive my failure. I did not want to cause this pain in you.” He said stiffly, painfully but the turtle only smiled and nuzzled deeper into his arms.

“Looove… Looove Masterrr. Loove.” His Demon purred before sighing and falling limply to the bed.

There was silence then, perhaps for too long as Shi looked over his prey, his pet, his Demon, his…

His…

** _Damnit, I am growing too attached…_ **

Shi felt his throat tighten as the turtle succumbed to exhaustion and he heard that gentle churr sound. **_You, you almost died, almost died from my ignorance and yet… Yet here you are snuggling into me._**

Slowly, carefully Shi slipped onto the bed, his naked body resting against his Demon’s and the turtle dwarfed him in size but he, he was the Master here.

“Such a pair we make.” He whispered, cradling the turtle in his arms as he laid down next to him. His Demon was sleeping, he was certain he wouldn’t be able to wake him to eat, especially after all of that.

** _You may rest for now. I will give you a little time at least. Give you time to gain some strength for when those bastards take you away from me._ **

Anger filled his heart then, a fury when he thought of anyone else having his prize but, he needed to play his hand carefully. His Demon was not his, not entirely yet and technically should he care what happened to him at all? He at least got some samples, some pieces of the puzzle that might help him create the warriors Shredder wanted and cure himself but…

But what about his pet?

Was he just going to be killed after this? After he gave Shredder everything he wanted? Why did that make him feel so angry?

** _I want him, I want him now and I want him after this all. He, he is mine. He may not realize it yet, not completely but he will be mine! _ **

A growl vibrated through his frame, his claws sharpening unwittingly as he thought of all those that wanted to take his prize away from him.

Shredder wanted to kill him, the Foot would take and beat him and then there was…

Suddenly his Demon churred and trembled. “L-Leoo, h-help…” A whisper, and damning plea.

**_Speak of the devil. _**His growl grew in volume as his prize whimpered in his sleep, obviously dreaming about that wretched lover of his and Shi realized something.

He hated this Leo.

No, no hate was too simple a term for what he felt. He was repulsed by him, jealous, furious, he despised the bastard with every fiber of his being and the mark he had imprinted upon his Demon.

**_Well, I will just have to wash that away too. _**Shi thought smugly, a smile rising on his lips as he traced the turtle’s lips with a claw.

** _You are mine, Demon. You have made such progress but it is easier to train someone who is already so broken. I need to shatter you to your very core and I fear the only way to do that is to free you of the binds he has over you._ **

He knew what he needed to do when it came to the eldest Hamato brother but, but how? How could he do anything while he was locked away in here... And then it hit him, a plan that was flawed yes but all it really took was good planning and manipulation, he was good at both.

He chuckled then, softly as to not disturb his prize. He knew what to do, what to do to not only keep his Demon, satisfy his Master, and get rid of that wretch of a turtle for good.

“You poor thing. You have no idea what I am going to do to you.” He said before kissing the turtle’s head gently. “But do not worry, you will be so broken you will love me for it all the same.”


	13. Good Intentions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! I am sorry it has taken so long to update but life has been crazy hasn't it? I hope you are all safe out there. Stay home if and when you can, read some good stories to escape...  
A shorter chapter but I have been doing that now as my emotions lead what I write and considering the chaos of life these days... So, my chapters may not be as long but hopefully will come more often. I hope.  
Be safe, snuggle up and hunker down.. And remember, you are loved!

“So look at these readings I got from the mutants, or partial mutants, to put it more accurately.” Donnie said as he leaned over Leo’s shoulder and typed in some information on his computer. “It seems the serum Shredder and his team are using resembles the one that mutated us but it is made of completely different components, and there are at least three different strands of it between them all. I have no idea if there were others with the other mutants but I theorize there were.”

Leo narrowed his eyes as he looked at the jumble of information on the screen. He didn’t understand most of what he saw but over the years Donnie had been patient enough with him to teach him some terminology, especially when it came to dealing with mutations.

“You said at least three?” He asked curiously and the younger turtle nodded.

“Yeah, three of the adults wouldn’t let me go near them for a blood sample so I can only guess on the samples I was able to receive. Didn’t want to force it on um.” He said with a sigh. “I think they have been through enough as is.”

Leo clenched his jaw at that. “Yes, this Gin Shi seems a vile character.” He growled, unable to hold back his disgust even if he had tried.

Donnie peered down at his brother just for a second, his analytical mind immediately catching the fire in the other turtle’s voice but he didn’t press him on it. “Yeah, Gin Shi. They mention him a lot actually, normally in their fits but it seems it wasn’t just him but Dr. Baxter. Well, it was until he died.”

Leo nodded, remembering hearing about the scientist’s death from April some time ago but even she had the vaguest of information concerning the incident. It was no surprise really, finding out information that had to do with the Foot was always hard to gather, if anything it was surprising she heard about it at all.

Leonardo shook his head. “So three different strands of the serum and a bunch of imperfect mutants… Means they are experimenting, may have been for a while considering advancements and variations in this singular group, annnnd they haven’t perfected the formula yet.”

His younger brother winked and snapped his fingers proudly. “Bingo! Probably why they grabbed Raph, they could use his DNA as a control for testing.” Donatello remarked and luckily as he spoke he was so focused on the computer screen he didn’t notice his elder brother flinch.

** _That is right, Shi said something, something about wanting to make sure Raph was worth his time. Sick freak, he isn’t just using blood, he wants… Ohhh gods. _ **

“Leo, you ok man?” Donnie inquired as Leonardo suddenly gripped the desk in front of him and gasped.

The older Hamato nodded stiffly, taking a moment to collect himself before focusing back on his brother and smiling.

** _I need to keep it together! I can’t, can’t be weak…_ **

“S-Sorry, just worried about s-stuff.” He muttered, his eyes pointedly stuck on the screen as Donnie sighed and placed his hand on Leo’s shoulder.

“I know. I… Hey, if you need to rest we can do this some other…”

“NO!” Leo snapped, again surprising both himself and Donnie with his outburst, he needed to get control over that.

Leo shook his head, a bitter laugh escaping him as he looked down at the scratched surface of his brother’s makeshift desk. “I am sorry Donnie I… I just… Arrrgh, I have been out of it for days and, and I need to catch up on all of this as soon as possible.”

Donatello peered at the older turtle carefully. “Leo, you are still getting over that venom bite. You haven’t even really eaten, your sleep has only been through insentience, uhh unconsciousness… You need to take it easy man. You aren’t going to save anybody if you aren’t strong…”

“I KNOW THAT!” Leo exclaimed, immediately berating himself for _again_ losing his temper but, but every moment he sat resting gave that bastard another moment to break Raph, to hurt him, ruin him, touch…

Donatello fell silent, his head hanging between his shoulders like it used to when he was in trouble as a kid and the sight of it just made Leo hate himself all the more.

“Donnie, I am sorry. I am sorry I am a mess. I am sorry I keep_ losing_ it I just… I don’t know how long Raph can survive the whole… Arrrrgh! _Nevermind_…” He grumbled shaking his head in frustration as his teeth ground together so tightly his jaw felt like it was locking. **_Focus! You will just create more questions!_**

Donnie lifted his head, his emerald eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Leo, man… Is, is something wrong? I mean I _know _Raph is taken and all but you… Are you keeping something from me, something more than what was going on between you and Raph?”

**_Damnit all, please don’t ask that Donnie. _**Leo felt his heart freeze, how the _Hell_ was he going to get out of this one?

Could he do it? Could he just lie to his brother, lie to him when he was blatantly asking for the truth.

** _I, I don’t want to but… Shit I… I don’t kn-know!_ **

How could he ever expect Donnie to believe anything he said after this, were he to lie? Splinter was dying and he was the only one his family had to keep them all together, to lead them, and the _last thing_ he needed was for his brothers to not trust him!

What kind of a leader lied to his teammates?

What kind of leader kept secrets?

WHAT kind of LEADER let his right hand man get sTOLeN, rAPeD, _RuiNED!?_

** _Breathe, just breathe, breathe…_ **

“Donnie it… I…” Leo started, his voice gruff and eyes burning.

He was terrified.

He was terrified of….

Of…

**_Of soooo much! ARRRGH! I NEED HELP! I need them! I am scared! I am lost! I… I have to Raphie! I have to tell them! _**He realized, his eyes shutting as he sighed heavily and prepared himself to make the hard choice, to open up, to let his brother in, even _without_ Raph’s consent when…

When a knock on the door sounded and both he and Donnie jumped at the sound.

_Knock, knock, knock!_

“Hey dudes, sorry for breaking up your little party and all buuuut, April and Casey are here!” Mikey’s voice called to them through the door and Leo nearly fainted at his message.

Maybe this was a sign? A sign that he was just about to make the worst mistake ever! He was the leader, he needed to take control, HE needed to have the answers!

**_I, I am being selfish. I am putting my own insecurities first… I need to think of what Raph would want, right!? Maybe I can put this off for just a little longer? Then I could talk to Raph and see how he wants to handle everything? _**He thought excitedly as he pushed himself up from the stool yet was stopped by a firm hand on his arm. **_Donniiie, please…_**

Leo looked up, his eyes meeting Donnie’s squarely, his brother did not look happy. “You are getting out of this right now Leo but afterwards, we are going to talk… All of us. Me, you, and Mikey… Ok?”

The elder turtle blinked, he was genuinely surprised by his brother’s demand. Donnie could be forceful sure, but it was normally when a situation had to do with science or technical things that his ignorant brothers kept messing up soo… So to see him act like that now…

Leo nodded slowly. “We, we will talk.” He answered quietly before slowly pulling his arm from the smaller turtle’s grasp and making it to the door. He paused before opening it. “We will talk Donnie but, but not until we get Raph back.”

Donnie’s eyes widened and his body stiffening. “L-Leo… You, you can’t keep us in the dark!” He exclaimed, anger coiling in his stomach. “Raph is our brother just as much as he is yours! If something is going on then we deserve to…”

“It is not that _simple!_” Leo barked, scowling over his shoulder at the younger turtle.

Donnie’s face scrunched up into a dark scowl. “Not simple?” He asked incredulously, waving his arms out in exasperation. “How, how freaking _dare you_!? How dare you keep something from us, something like this!? Damnit Leo! We are suffering through this! We… We are supposed to be a FAMILY! Families tell each other the TRUTH, even when it is HARD!”

Leo growled in frustration and loss. **_This is exactly what I didn’t want happening! If only I kept it together better! Ohh Raph, Splinter… I wish I had… ARRRGH! Stop it! You don’t have them! You don’t and, and you need to stop feeling bad for yourself…_**

“ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING!?”

Leo flinched as Donnie yelled at him, something the other turtle rarely did, no matter how infuriated he may have been at his brothers.

** _I need to calm this down. I need to keep us together and everything under control. I am supposed to be the l-leader…_ **

Leonardo took a deep breath, counting down from ten before turning and facing his furious brother. “I _am_ listening, Donnie.” He said wearily, splaying his hands out helplessly as he shook his head. “But are _you_? I, I can’t… I cannot be upfront about everything right now. I wish I could! I wish to _GOD_ I could but… But it wouldn’t be fair.”

Donnie scoffed. “Wouldn’t be fair!? TO WHOM!? I know it isn’t fair to me or, or to Mikey. Hell it _certainly_ isn’t fair to _you_. Leo… I can see _you_ struggling! I _see it_!” The younger turtle sighed, throwing his hands up dejectedly. “Why won’t you let me help!? Let US help! Please?”

Leo lowered his head, his eyes narrowing as tears began to form in them. “Donnie, it… It isn’t that _easy_.” He repeated his voice gravelly and heart hammering. **_I can’t! I don’t… I don’t know what to expect from Raph after all of this and, and telling them might just make it so much worse for him! What if Raph can hide what has been done to him, what if he wants to!? But, but should he hide his pain? ARRRGH! He always does! I… How… I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!_**

_KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK!_

“YOU GUYS HEAR MEEE!?” Mikey shouted louder from the other side of the door but neither of the brothers inside answered him, nor did they move.

Donatello glared at Leo. He wasn’t angry, not really it, it was more like a sense of betrayal he felt, a sadness more than anything. **_Leo, you don’t trust us. You don’t trust us to be able to deal with whatever might just have given you that haunted look…_**

** _But why?_ **

“I know it isn’t easy Leo, our life has never been _easy_! But please? _Please_ don’t take this on alone! You, you always tell Raph he needs to be part of the team so, so WHY ARE YOU HIDING NOW!?” Donatello exclaimed, his voice growing louder by the minute and his pain, his anger resonated inside of Leo, just adding more fuel to the fire that was consuming him.

** _Arrrgh! What do I do!? What do I say!? Who do I protect!? Raph might be broken, he might want some semblance of normalcy when we find him, want someone to look at him and NOT KNOW the SHIT he has been through and judge him ONLY ON THAT!!!_ **

“HEEEEY! ARE YOU GUYS GOOD IN THERE?” Mikey asked, worry evident in his voice but he was trying to keep his inquiry light.

Leo looked between the door and Donatello, the words, the truth right there on his tongue all he needed to do was say it!

But…

BUT!

His hands fisted at his sides, his eyes narrowing as a storm raged within his heart. “I told you when I would be ready _to talk_, Donnie. That is _it_. We are_ done_ speaking.” He strangled out, his heart hammering, vison blurred, and doubt clawing at his mind…

Silence filled the room, awful, suffocating, damning silence.

“Fine. _Then go_.” Donatello hissed after another minute of agonizing quiet and Leo nodded slowly before turning around and grabbing the knob when he heard the younger turtle huff bitterly…

“Go, but I want you to understand that… That out of this whole messed up world all we have is each other, Leo. That is it. We only have u-us… I need you to r-remember that.”

Leo’s throat tightened at the pain he heard in his brother’s voice, the pain and the_ betrayal_. “I, I know that Donnie.” He said softly, his fist shaking around the knob he held… He felt sick, sick, alone, terrified, and so very guilty.

“Ok. Just thought you needed a reminder.” Donatello said stiffly before waving his hand and turning back to his computer without another look. “I am gonna be busy looking for any naval ships on the coast. See if I can’t find where a decommissioned ones that have been docked there.”

Leo peeked over his shoulder, a small sad smile on his lips. “Thank you ...” He said quietly and the younger turtle rolled his eyes with a scoff.

“Yeah well, you might not _trust_ me to handle _your shit,_ but I _know_ I can do this.” He grumbled, his voice a little sharper than he intended and he cringed as he heard his older brother inhale quickly like, like he had been hurt by the comment.

**_Pft, it is fine. Let him keep his secrets… I don’t care. _**Donatello told himself but when he heard the door open and his brother’s feet shuffle wearily from the room he slumped at his brother’s last words.

“I, I am sorry Donnie. I really am and, and you don’t have to believe that but… Well, there it is. Let, let me know if you find anything. I… I love you…”

“Yeah right…” Donatello muttered miserably, keeping his eyes locked on his screen until he heard his brother sigh once more and walk out, the door closing heavily behind him.

Only once the door was shut did the younger turtle look up, his eyes burning and heart thumping. “Why, Leo? Why when we are already so weak are you pulling away from us? Why now?” He asked softly but only the soft hum of machinery and beeps of electronics answered him.

And even those gave him no comfort.

…………………….

“Leo!”

Leonardo looked up as he entered the kitchen area of their den, a forced smile on his face as April ran to him and wrapped her arms around him gently. “Hey April. It is good to see you.” He said, hoping his voice sounded more jovial than the damning despair he seemed to be drowning in.

“Good to see you on your feet man.”

The turtle looked up as Casey’s voice called to him from the other side of the room. “Hey Casey, looks like your arm has finally healed up huh?” Leo asked, noting how the cast that had been covering his friend’s left limb was now removed.

Casey had broken it nearly a month ago during one of his and Raphael’s patrol runs. Unfortunately it had been raining the night they went out and slippery surfaces plus, clambering through the city at night didn’t always mix.

Casey laughed as he lifted his arm and scanned over its pale and rather thin profile. “Yeah well the doc tells me I got most the use back. Won’t be bustin no heads any time soon but luckily it ain’t my strong arm. I can use it to pull one…”

April spun around, a warning glint in her eyes. “Casey, you finish that sentence and I will make sure your arm is permanently disabled.” She threatened, pointing to the children that were eagerly listening to the heated exchange with wide eyes.

Casey’s wide eyes went from her, to the kids, and back again. “Uhh yeah, ain’t used to kids…” He muttered, going back to his chore of sorting out things from paper bags Leo hadn’t noticed before.

“Wh-what is all of this?” He asked tiredly and April smiled comfortingly back at him.

“Well, as you now have a whole clan to deal with, Casey and I… Mostly the I part… Have been gathering supplies for you guys around the city.”

Casey looked at her with a hurt expression. “Hey, I help!” He claimed, quieting as she growled at him.

Leo chuckled at the exchange. It was nice to see some semblance of normalcy, something that was light and not centered on Raphael’s vile situation…

That got him thinking.

Maybe it _was_ better to hide it from his brothers, hide it so Raph could have some hope for this one day and not be looked at like a victim for the rest of his life, especially from the younger brothers that were supposed to look up to him.

Maybe?

“Thank you, both of you for the help. I know I haven’t been much good to anyone of late.” Leonardo said with a small smile, one Aril returned sadly.

“Leo, I cannot tell you how many times you have saved my as… Umm butt.” She corrected, the children giggling at what they _knew_ she had wanted to say. She walked over to him and placed her hand against the side of his cheek.

Leo loved it when she did that. Once upon a time he and his brothers had mostly just seen her as a friend but as time grew, and they became more attached she was almost like an older sister now than anything. She was always looking out for them, watching their backs as well as she could…

She wasn’t much of a fighter but that was slowly changing as well. Being around four teenagers that constantly got into trouble or massive battles with every sort of foe led one to reconsider the importance of self-defense classes.

Either way, April had become integral to many parts of their life and honestly, Leo didn’t know how they would have gotten this far in life without her or Casey.

“Hey Leo, you still with me?” April asked softly and the eldest Hamato shook his head to clear it.

“Sorry April. Just keep getting lost in my own head.” He muttered in apology and she nodded.

“Yeah, losing Raph has never been easy for you.” She said with an almost knowing smile and Leo felt his heart skip a beat.

** _Never been easy for me? What does she mean by that? Losing any member of my family has always been hard, why would she think he is so different?_ **

His thoughts must have been written on his face because April chuckled at him and gently patted his shoulder. “Ohhh boys. Come on, help me get dinner started? We have a bunch of mouths to feed.”

Still reeling from her earlier observation Leo just nodded numbly and began getting some pans ready. He listened to the life going on behind him as he worked, smiling as Mikey and Casey entertained the children with wild stories of their adventures, 75% of which were inaccurate and always had them coming out on top.

If only.

After a while April left him to deal with the adults, some of whom seemed a bit more engaged mentally, maybe having a good day and they even had some decent conversations.

All in all it appeared tonight would be a peaceful one in the Hamato ‘home’. One filled with laughter, hope, good food, and good friends…

Now if only Splinter could join them or… Or if Raph were here…

Leo peeked at April wondering if maybe she had noticed something concerning him when it came to Raph that he had only recently begun to notice. It made him wonder how long he had, maybe, been considering Raph as more than just his younger brother?

If she could see it, did Casey? Donnie and Mikey didn’t seem to see any difference but they were pretty young themselves, especially when it came to things like love but Splinter…

** _Oh man, did Splinter notice anything!? Either from me or Raph? What would he think? What would he say if we were to ever…_ **

His shoulders slumped at the thought, realizing it may very well not matter what his father thought given his…

His…

**_Damn it. Can’t I just allow myself to enjoy one moment? _**He berated himself miserably but really, he knew that until Raph was safe at home, wrapped protectively in his arms there wouldn’t be a moment of peace for him.

How could he laugh, how could he smile when he knew the one he… He _loved_, more deeply than he had ever believed possible was being ripped apart?

** _Raph, stay together. I know you are strong, the strongest of all of us! You can make it through this, you have to! F-for m-me?_ **

** _I l-love you…_ **

** _…………………._ **

“Leo! Leo wake up!”

The eldest Hamato brother groaned from where he slept in Raphael’s chair, the blanket slipping form his shoulders causing him to shiver before he opened his eyes.

“D-Donnie? Wasss… What’s wrong?” He slurred out, his tongue thick and words blending as he pulled himself from his broken sleep.

It had taken hours for him to settle down, making certain to care for every mutant, feed his father, check on his brothers and April and Casey. He had tried to be the leader he needed to be, making sure everyone was taken care of before he collapsed into his younger brother’s chair for the night.

Perhaps it was foolish to sleep there, perhaps he was just trying to torture himself but Leonardo felt himself drawn to his brother’s spot, grabbing the larger turtle’s favorite tattered blanket before settling in.

Raphael’s scent had haunted him, curled into his senses and he almost got up, left this connection, this reminder of his failures but, but he couldn’t.

He knew his brother was suffering and, and what was this struggle compared to Raph’s? So in the end he had curled deeper into the larger chair, his eyes burning and heart thundering but here, here he could at least revel in memories of the turtle he longed for, feared for…

Loved?

Once his vision cleared Leo started as he found Donatello’s crouched form right in front of him, the younger turtle’s eyes wide and his expression worried.

“Leo, the sensors went off from the Southern tunnels! Something is in there and when I tried to pull up video feed well…” 

Leo shook his head, scrubbing at his eyes to focus better on his brother. “Something is, is in the sewers? Do we need to wake Mikey?” He asked as he sat up.

Donatello shook his head. “I, I dunno but I don’t think so. It… It was small like, like a child only…” He paused, his eyes narrowing. “Only… Mutated. I think it might be the missing kid, Leo. I dunno how he made it here but...”

The eldest Hamato blinked at his brother, his mind reeling through the information presented and what that could mean before he gasped and sprung to his feet.

“Wake Mikey! We need to move NOW!”


	14. Home (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! So, new chapter annnnd...  
It is dark.  
Now, this story has been kinda dark since the beginning, but this one...  
I am just saying, be aware.  
A long chapter, one of my longer ones at over 13,000 words, I hope I got it all right. I tried to meet a goal and may have failed in that endeavor. That goal will come in the next chapter I hope, anywho enjoy and... And if you can, maybe let me know what you think?  
Comments are hard, I KNOW, but even a smiley face can be inspiring to a writer. Just saying :)

“WAKE DEMON! They are coming!”

A yell, the voice frantic, a scent of lavender, a blur of lights behind eyelids and suddenly, there was pain.

Raphael moaned through his burning throat as something grabbed his arm, the digits tight, bruising as they pulled at him and then, he really was weightless.

Weightless and falling…

“Arrrrgh!” He slammed onto the ground, cords becoming tangled around his crumpled form but those same hands that had torn him down were now tugging at them, clearing them away, them and his bandages.

“Wh-what?” A voice he didn’t recognize croaked out but he knew it had to be his own because he felt the agony in uttering the simple question.

Why was he in so much pain?

“Those bastards are on their way. You have only slept for two hours but… Arrrgh, we need to get the bandages off before they see. LIFT YOUR ARM!”

That same wild voice shouted behind him and Raph blindly did as he was told. He was too lost in the chaos he had woken to, still drowning in the nightmares that had plagued him during those few precious hours.

** _N-Nightmares… O-only n-nightmares… Asleep, awake…_ **

He didn’t remember what he dreamed of, each now just flashes of images and pain but he did recall a voice taunting him throughout. Mocking his weakness, calling him vile and twisted, reminding him how he had failed over and over again. It hadn’t been his voice, nor the mutant that sat next to him now but, but it had been familiar…

Achingly so.

** _Know, know voice… Was sweet, sweet and then changed, hurt… Who?_ **

His pondering as to who could have been the voice’s owner came to a halt as the bandages were ripped from him, his sensitive wounds screaming once the icy air of the lab hit them.

** _Lab… In lab? S-scary lab. Why? Why here, why bandages? Why does so m-much h-hurt?_ **

Slowly his vison was clearing, his mind excruciatingly stitching the pieces of his reality back into place and he began to remember the journey taken to end up where he was now.

** _Ohhh… Oh f-fuck…_ **

Where the images of his dream were muddled and hazy his memories concerning his current predicament were much clearer.

He remembered hanging in a room, remembered being laughed at as he was beating, remembered choking on the taste of his own blood, screaming until his throat was raw…

** _F-fuck, fuck, fuck…That’s, that’s why um b-broken, bandaged…. They… T-tortured, hurt…_ **

He was certain he had healed some of the damage done to him, much more than any human would but there must have been an immense amount done because, he was still in so much pain!

His legs ached, his plastron, his arms, his head, his EYE! One wrist in particular was throbbing like mad, his throat hurt outside and in terribly and then, then there was another pain…

It was one different from the others, one he had never felt before, and couldn’t truly understand at first. Why would there hurt? Why would someplace like that feel so…

** _No… Oh god, oh no… Noooo… P-please, please?_ **

His whimpers grew louder, his body trembling as his tattered mind achingly unfolded each terrible moment from earlier that day. The memories were fuzzy, hazy as if he were drunk, but what he _felt_ during them was much easier to recall especially when it came to that one damning area.

** _I… What… What did I, what did HE… Ohhh sh-shit…_ **

It was under his tail… That is what hurt, burned and even though the pain there was nothing compared to so many others that littered his shaking form, the reason _why_ it hurt was…

Was…

** _Nooo, no, nooo…Please. Jus, jus a dream, dream! Nightmare! I wouldn’t... I wouldn’t let… OHHH NOOO!_ **

It was unbearable.

** _He… He r-ruined m-me… R-ruined and I f-fucking l-let h-him…_ **

Shi growled as his Demon tried to curl into himself, making his task all the more difficult. He needed to get the bandages off NOW! Get them off before Shredder’s new General made it down to the labs to collect his pet.

“Stop curling UP!” He shouted, unfortunately just making the turtle curl tighter into a ball and for a moment he considered activating the collar to get him to cooperate.

** _Noooo. No. You need to work with him, gain his trust! Arrrgh…_ **

Shi stopped in his fruitless labors, taking a deep breath in before he changed tactics. **_I am only scaring him more, I need to be smart about this. Those wretches gave me no warning!_**

Once calmed he leaned down, rubbing his hand gently over his creature’s head. “Demon, I need you to listen to Master. I am trying to make sure neither you nor I suffer from the aid I provided. Please help me take these bandages off and then you can quickly eat…”

Raph jerked at the mention of food, his muddled thoughts remembering just why he had allowed this monster to take him, why he had given in, and suddenly he was compliant.

** _F-food… Y-yes. D-didn’t g-give in c-cause wanted… D-didn’t want that but n-needed f-food, n-needed w-water…Ohhh fuck, what have I b-become? NO! Shut up! Needed, needed to! F-food, so hungry… Food and w-water…_ **

** _Water!?_ **

Finally he opened his eyes or eye, he remembered dejectedly, and churred up at his Master. **_G-gotta be M-Master, is fine. N-need, g-get food…_**

“M-Master, w-water?” He begged, his voice alien sounding once again. He had always had a deep voice but now it just sounded gravelly, scratchy. He wondered if the damage in his throat was worse than he realized.

Shi sighed, shaking his head as he pulled the bandages from the turtle’s head. **_Arrgh, that eye wound still looks awful. I hope they leave it alone during today’s ‘activities’… Bastards…_**

“You will get water but I need to get these off first, Demon. Sit up.” He insisted, helping to push the shaking youth up into a slumped position a task far easier than it should have been, even with his mutated strength.

** _He weighs hardly anything now._ **

The turtle felt so much lighter than when Shi had first carried him to the ship. Technically that wasn’t surprising considering he was not only dehydrated but had been starving for days now, but it was worrying.

** _He has starved long enough for his body to begin feeding off muscle tissue._ **

Shi chewed on his lower lip, scanning over how thin the turtle looked, something he hadn’t really noticed earlier but, he had been rather busy with other things. Now though, he felt his heart clench as he noted the loss of muscle mass, how clearly his collarbones showed, his good eye sunk in deep, his cheeks hollowed in appearance…

His Demon was going to die at this rate and he would NOT let that happen.

** _It does not matter. Soon he will be mine. Shredder will have what he wants and I will have what I need. I must not lose focus._ **

Finally he had freed the turtle from every wrap and he quickly stood and gathered what meager supplies he had for his pet. He grabbed the bowl of rice he had made earlier and the bowl of water and set them on the ground before the turtle.

“Eat quickly. They cannot know you had any of this.” He said evenly, but kept an edge of fear in his voice so that the dazed youth would sense how urgent things were.

Raph blinked at the bowls, vaguely trying to understand what he had just been given when the scent of rice wafted up to him and his stomach twisted into a terrible knot.

“Ahhhhhh!” He cried, his hands clawing at his stomach.

**_Damnit, he really was starving. Perhaps he burns through food faster because of his abilities? How am I going to get him to keep this down? _**Shi wondered, sliding his hands through his long hair angrily.

Raphael groaned miserably as he held himself, everything had been so chaotic since he had awoke, his mind a wreck, senses overwhelmed by too much information. He hurt, the lights were too bright, the scent of lavender and rice choking him with every breath and the endless pain…

** _Is, is too much… Too much, how can I, how can I s-survive… Canna think… How…_ **

His stomach clenched once more, flipping and rolling madly inside him.

If only he could think! If only things would stop hurting long enough he could clearly consider what was happening around him, what had happened. Why was he terrified and yet… And yet not?

**_Was happening? Nothing, nothing clear… Maybe just dream? Just dream and wake soon? _**He hoped, tears stinging his eye. It was an awful dream if it was one, something like before but he didn’t remember so much physical pain in that one.

Not like this.

He leaned forwards, retching on nothing but spit and bile as his tried to vomit and still questions clawed at him.

Why did he feel this way? Why wasn’t he just jumping for the food? He, he was so hungry, it had been so long since he consumed anything but his own blood and that tiny bit of water. Why was he being so stupid? Why was he wasting time!? WHY WAS EVERYTHING SO BIG!?

“Unnn…” He moaned as cool hands suddenly fell across his neck.

“Shhh, I am here Demon. I… Forgive me for waking you this way but you must be quick. They are coming and if they get here before you have a chance to eat I fear you will not survive this session with them. Please, please eat for me love.”

**_L-love? _**Raphael lifted his head, his bloodshot eye rising to the man who sat beside him.

** _L-love? Why say love? I don’t… I don’t love him. He, he is… He hurts… I…_ **

Shi smiled softly at the young turtle, reaching out and grabbing a handful of rice before he placed it against his Demon’s lips. “Eat my Demon. Please, for me?”

** _D-Demon. Is, is that what I am now? His… His Demon?_ **

Tears filled his eye, his frame shaking from weakness, starvation, abuse, dehydration…

Nothing made sense. Nothing at all and the more he tried to understand what he was feeling, what he was seeing he just feel deeper into the pit of uncertainty. This man, he was supposed to be an enemy, he had done terrible things to him, taken so fucking much from HIM!

But...

**_Arrr, dun… Dun think… Gotta, gotta eat…_** He didn’t want to think, didn’t get the luxury of time to think. Someone was coming for him, someone that wanted to break him further…

The turtle chuckled brokenly. **_B-break… Am… Am b-broken. S-so b-broken… Ohhh…_**

“Love. Please eat.”

Again the man said that word and a mournful sob pulled from Raph’s throat.

Why did it feel so good when this monster said that word to him?

Love?

Why would he say that?

Why was he offering food anyways? As a thank you for _fucking_ him, for using him, for breaking him down at his very CORE!?

The young turtle groaned, his despair consuming him from the inside out and again he berated himself for thinking. **_Jus eat! S-stop fucking feeling bad fer yourself! Eat, eat and be… Be good… Good for Master…_**

** _At least he taking, taking care of m-me now?_ **

That was a thought, perhaps a twisted one mangled by desperation and helplessness but, it was true wasn’t it?

Shi _was_ taking care of him.

He was even though he didn’t need to. Really he could have just… Just _raped_ him and then thrown him out for his next torture session but instead…

Instead he gave him water, he washed him, bandaged him, let him sleep as long as he could, and now was hand feeding him! There was no pain right now, no agony that _he_ had created beyond under his tail and, and yes... Yes, that hurt and not just physically. Even Raph knew the psychological damage from such an act was staggering, far too damming for the young turtle to ever come close to estimating, but…

But still he found himself lost when it came to this snake.

How was he supposed to feel about everything he had done, the good and bad were so drastically different but equally monumental in their influence over how he perceived the man before him.

He was evil, selfish, twisted, emotionless but _not_ at the same time. He was also complex, scarred inside and out from what others had done to him. He wasn’t entirely emotionless either, he had flashes of it, they were rare but still…

How was he supposed to feel about the monster that was slowly breaking him apart, and the broken man that then tried to rebuild him after?

** _I… I dunno…_ **

Finally, his beak opened. Perhaps unwittingly, perhaps it was his natural instincts taking over for him but the moment the warm rice hit his tongue he moaned like… Like this plain rice was the most succulent thing he had ever tasted.

Maybe it was?

Shi smiled and nodded encouragingly as the turtle finally accepted the food, his violet eyes scanning from his pet to the door to his lab and back again. **_They will be here any minute._**

The scientist was not lying when he said he would be punished for aiding Raphael, at least with food. He was certain Shredder was not ignorant enough to not allow him to care for the turtle’s wounds, as a dead prisoner was useless to him, but he had seen his leader starve his captives to the point of brain damage before and he would not let that happen to his Demon.

Part of the reason why he was so obsessed with this mutant was _because_ of his mind. His mind, his emotions, his passion, his…

His everything.

“There you go.” He whispered to the youth, reaching out and grabbing another scoop of food.

He knew he didn’t have the time for this, he had been hoping his Demon would be so hungry he would just devour the rice in an instant but he could not deny the pride he felt in feeding his pet, the control he had, the power.

Well, perhaps it was not just the power.

As he fed the turtle, allowing him small sips of water along the way Shi realized this was the calmest he had felt in far too long.

Yes the new General was on the way, yes they had no time, yes his Demon was going to be taken from him and tortured, but those threats were just pieces of his twisted reality now.

His, and his Demon’s.

They were locked in this nightmare together.

** _Together… Hmm…_ **

Others would be stunned by all of this, stunned by the fact that he would see this simple moment as a blessing, a gift but all he knew now was chaos and this…

This was warm, this was peaceful, this was something he hadn’t felt in so long.

In fact, he wasn’t sure he had even _ever_ felt something like this. He couldn’t remember much of his time before his change, his capture and mutilation into… Into this freak, this emotionless monster, this…

**_No… Maybe, maybe I am not just a freak, at least to one. Demon, you said I was, was pretty. _**He thought suddenly, a small smile lifting on his lips as a warmth bloomed in his chest before it was ripped away once again.

But… It had been there, he had felt it, felt_ something_ and he treasured every little hint of emotion, all of them provided by the mutant that knelt next to him now.

**_I will keep you. I will have you soon enough, you will be mine and mine alone! I swear. _**He promised silently, lifting another scoop of rice to his magnificent prize.

Raphael ate slowly, the shock from earlier calming as he was fed. He still felt confused, felt lost in his own mind, in the world around him but that fear seemed to ebb as he stared into those violet eyes that watched him so intensely.

Gin Shi looked so confident, so in control while Raph felt so young, helpless. He clung to the man’s control, let himself be led by it and didn’t think about anything but that very moment.

It was better to break things into moments now, looking too far back or forwards was bad so… So he just stayed here and here, was kind of nice.

He was eating, that was good. His stomach didn’t seem to hurt as much, that was also good. He had slept, maybe only for a couple hours, but that was good too. His wounds had healed some, he was drinking…

All because of his wicked Master.

_Wicked?_

_Was_ he so wicked?

Raphael didn’t know how to answer that question either anymore and that scared him.

Again his eye filled with tears, his conflicting emotions a storm coiling in his heart. He hated this snake, hated what he took from him but then he, he gave so much of other things, all at his own peril.

** _I, I don’t f-fucking know… I don’t know anymore. Who… Who a-am I?_ **

Why was he just sitting here letting this monster feed him like, like some _fucking_ pet!? Why wasn’t he fighting him!? Tearing the bastard apart!? Why did he feel bad for Shi sometimes? Why did he notice his scars? Why did he notice how he struggled?

Why… Why was he so damn _confused_!?

Raphael keened, his head falling to his hands as his sobs grew in volume. He knew it was weak of him, pathetic but he… He felt so lost! Felt like he was ripping apart, like the only thing keeping him together was his flesh and even that was thinning these days.

Everything was changing, even his own body. He could feel cheek bones he never had before, his arms looked shriveled and boney…

Was he even Raph anymore?

Had that Raph ever existed?

** _Ohhh, ohhh sh-shit I’m losing it… I… I n-need… Need help. Ohhh…_ **

Shi frowned as tears began to fall from the turtle’s eye. Why was he crying? Was he afraid of what was to come or, or was it him? **_I have done nothing wrong! I didn’t hurt him. I am trying to help him. Why is he crying for it?_**

He never got the chance to ask though as voices were suddenly heard outside of the lab door and his heart skipped a beat.

“They are here!” He hissed, lunging for the two bowls and throwing them across the room just as the door began to open.

Raphael looked up blearily as Shi stood, the albino now scowling as he wrapped his arms around his chest and watched a handful of troops walk in, a larger man coming in after them. He was one neither Raph nor Shi had ever seen before.

**_Who is this? The new General? _**Shi wondered, surprised that he didn’t recognize the man but he did notice his scars, his sharps eyes, and the heavy chains he held.

“Your time with the creature is up, mutant. You _should_ have brought him to us long ago.” The General said, his voice deep and gravelly sounding with a hint of a Japanese accent.

Shi scoffed. “I was not given sufficient amount of time with him General, nor was I informed of his transfer correctly.” He growled back when he felt something rub up against his leg.

**_What?_** He peered down in surprise to find his Demon huddled close right next to him, his head nuzzled against his robe.

The youth looked terrified.

** _Oh, my poor Demon. _ **

Raphael had initially frozen once the troops came in, his heart pounding as his imagination cruelly forced him to ruminate on the many ways he would be tortured today and suddenly his strange attachment to Shi grew even stronger.

**_No… Dun wanna go… Was nice here… Please, please I will be good. Lemme stay? _**He begged silently, inching closer to his Master’s legs like some pathetic dog but he couldn’t help it.

He was still so broken, his wrist barely healed, his body in ruins, nevermind his _mind_ and, and it seemed the only place he could heal, even a little was here… As perversely wrong that sounded, it was true.

No, he didn’t want to be raped but at least after he suffered through it things were nice, they were soft…

_“Look what he turned you into, just some whore. A pet!”_

That voice from his dream suddenly echoed in his head each word dripping with disgust as they had before. Raph keened, whimpering shamefully at the familiar/ hateful voice but, he didn’t move away.

The new General sneered at the scene before him. “I have heard you are difficult Gin Shi, you and the beast. I will provide you the gift of this warning only once. I have no patience for disobedience.”

The scientist’s eyes flashed. “_Disobedience, _General_?_ I serve Shredder soldier, _not you_.” He hissed, his tail twitching behind him. “I am not some dog you can…”

Shi never finished as the ninja suddenly became a blur, his body leaping over the medical bed between them, landing gracefully on the other side before lunging forwards and grabbing the shocked snake by his throat.

“I warned you, _maggot.” _The General snarled, lifting Shi’s struggling form higher making the albino cough and gasp for air.

**_How, how is he so strong!? _**Shi marveled, his ever analytical mind reeling in awe at how quickly the other man moved and how he was able to pick him up as if he weighed little more than a paperweight.

It was clear the man was enhanced in some way, perhaps as Shredder was, a mystery Shi still had yet to discover, and that… That created a very large and rather unexpected problem for the scientist.

Shi was brilliant and an essential enough asset in the Foot Clan that Shredder had not _yet _had him killed for his disobedience but he knew his mind was not the only thing that had kept him from death’s door here.

His own ‘powers’ were also an integral part of his survival as well. Many in the Clan had once thought little of their leader’s mutant scientist, leading them to foolishly bully or mock him. When he was first created they saw him as little more than some frail, thin freak that was, until he showed them the other advantages he had gained after being experimented on.

It only took a few deaths before their tone changed when it concerned him and yes, he had been punished for the act but it had been worth it. He wanted all these gutless sycophants to fear him, to know he was not one to be toyed with and with Shredder being the only one stronger than him it had made for a fairly comfortable arrangement but now…

Now, during the worst possible time, he was confronted with a man he knew nothing about. A man with abilities he had yet to observe and he, _he_ was going to be the one that took his Demon away from him!?

“R-release m-me.” Shi grated out between gasps, his fangs extending as his claws ripped into the man’s hand but the General merely laughed at his feeble attack.

“You are not in control here Gin Shi.” The General warned, his eyes narrowing as he pulled his struggling captive closer. His eyes were as black as Shredder’s the scientist noted before the man continued. “You will do well to remember th...”

“RRRRAAARRRG!”

Both Shi and the General gaped in surprise as a new voice boomed over them and the scientist only had a second to brace himself as a huge shadow suddenly dove at the larger man.

“Ugh!” He cried out as he painfully hit the floor, his body dropping the moment the General was slammed into. Both the commander and his attacker though rolled through the lab in a storm of fists and kicks, their flailing forms crashing through numerous trays, breaking beakers and tubes as they fought.

** _Who, who jumped at… DEMON!?_ **

Shi gaped at the sight, his violet eyes wide and body frozen where it fell as he watched his Demon roar, the turtle ending their turbulent journey on top of the human before he lifted his fists and with an animalistic cry began wailing on him.

** _Why, why are you fighting him Demon? Is, is it for… For me?_ **

Shi continued to numbly stare at the scene, stunned as he watched the turtle continue to rage on his prey. He couldn’t help but marvel at how not moments ago the youth had seemed so meek, broken, and helpless and now he was a monster, a blur of gnashed teeth, bleeding fists, and fiery eyes .

He was wild, untamed… Beautiful.

Shi’s awe came to an abrupt end though as his Demon, his protector suddenly shrieked, his body stiffening for just a second before it fell atop the human under him and began twitching.

**_Cowards are using the collar. _**Shi realized, his chest tight as he tried to stand.

“Stop! You will kill him!” He shouted over the turtle’s screams, each of which were growing more ragged the longer he was being shocked.

“Fucking animal!” The General swore, violently kicking Raph’s body off of him before springing to his feet. His face was a mess, a canvas of reds and blues and his eyes…

There was death in his eyes.

“Filthy fucking abomination!” He thundered, grabbing Raphael’s skull in his fist and slamming it against the ground with a sickening crunch, all while the collar continued its surge of electricity.

As the scent of burning flesh began to fill the air desperation crawled up Shi’s spin. If they didn’t stop the shocks soon his Demon could have a seizure or worse.

“TURN IT OFF!” He bellowed, stumbling over to the two warriors only to come to an abrupt halt as the monstrous commander lifted his head and their eyes met.

“Trained your vile pet well, eh?” He hissed, a small shower of blood spraying from his swollen lips.

Shi remained silent, his eyes fleeting from the man’s murderous eyes to where his hand held the turtle. He was tightening his inhuman hold on Raphael, the turtle clawing much like Shi had at the limb but that only made the man clench harder.

**_No… Could he? Could he crush his skull? _**The scientist wasn’t certain but as Raph’s screams then turned to wails and incoherent begging he had a terrible feeling the new General could do just that.

He wasn’t even sure the man feared consequences for such an act.

“You are going to kill him and I am not done with my research NOR do we have the location of his base.” Shi told the mad man evenly, changing his initial approach to the soldier as it seemed outright anger just incised him further.

Luckily his tactic seemed to work _or_ he feared Shredder’s wrath enough to reconsider his intentions because a flicker of uncertainty crept into the man’s black eyes.

The two stared at one another, both silent and seething until finally the General scoffed before throwing Raphael’s head down, again cracking it against the metal floor, and standing tall once more. Shi winced at the sound.

“Fine, turn it off.” The massive General instructed his troops before kneeling down and attaching the shackles he held to the moaning turtle’s limbs.

Shi glowered at the man the entire time, his teeth grinding so tightly it was a wonder he didn’t break any of them and that was when he realized something.

He _hated_ this human.

No, he detested him, perhaps even more than he loathed Shredder and he didn’t even know the bastard’s name.

Once the wretch was certain the turtle was properly secured he leaned in close, a wicked bleeding smile filling Raphael’s hazed vision. “You surprised me mutant, that does not happen often. I will reward you well once we start our time together.”

Raphael could hardly see, his head was throbbing and his throat felt like sandpaper but he managed to smirk up at the man over him. “F-fuck y-you.” He grated out before spitting right in the General’s face.

Shi growled at his Demon’s defiance. Normally he adored it, he loved seeing this magnificent creature face off against any foe but this new General… Not only did he disgust Shi, he worried him as well.

** _Demon, you need to be careful with this one. Something is not right with him…Damnit, I may need to hasten my plans. _ **

Shi continued to remain quiet as the general laughed and wiped the spittle from his cheek. “I am going to enjoy this.” Was all the man said before grabbing Raphael’s now shackled form and hauling him over his shoulder with superhuman-like ease.

“I want him returned _alive_.” Shi warned the General, his tail twitching apprehensively under his robes.

The other man scoffed as he made his way towards the lab’s door. “Oh, do not worry maggot. I will make sure he is still breathing, I will promise you that at least.” He answered, his mocking laughter echoing through the room and out into the hall as he walked away with his prize, his lackeys following after.

Shi stared after them, his eyes meeting Raph’s one last time before the turtle was dragged away. He wasn’t sure but it seemed there was a ghost of relief that went through the turtle’s eye when it spied him standing, like… Like he had been worried.

**_Oh my Demon, you continue to surprise me… _**Shi thought silently, his entire body shaking with rage and then his prize was gone, his image lost as the door to the lab closed and pitted grey metal took its place.

Silence filled the lab.

Cold, damning silence where once it had been filled with his pet’s gentle breathing and light moans of slumber. Now there was nothing, nothing but the wretched creaking of metal and the yells from the Clan members above…

Where his Demon was, his precious beast.

Shi’s claws extended unconsciously, his eyes narrowing as they continued to burn into the ugly door of his lab. A mad man had his treasure now, stole him right out from under his nose and there was nothing Shi could do to stop him.

Nothing.

NotHinG!?

NOTHING!?

Gin Shi was _livid_.

**_I cannot wait. I do not trust that, that FREAK with Raphael. I need to move on my plan now, now before he kills him. _**He thought, shaking off his anger before stomping out of his lab towards his Master’s quarters.

He hadn’t wanted to move so quickly, he had wanted to have at least one more delicious night with his beast before his defiance was torn from him completely but…

But he needed to work with what he was given and if there was one thing he learned whilst serving in the Foot Clan you had to learn to roll with each agonizing hit.

…………………….

“You there, run ahead and make sure my room is prepared. I want everything perfect for my new guest.” The beast of a General called to one of his troops, someone the turtle on his shoulder couldn’t see but had no desire to inquire about anyways…

Why?

Why care about anything, it wasn’t like he had a say in any of it.

Raphael, after being picked up became limp and just let himself be taken. It wasn’t that he was giving up so much as saving his strength for what was to come…

Whatever nightmare fate had planned for him today.

** _It’s fine… Jus survive… Gotta, gotta survive…_ **

As he hung there, instead of allowing his imagination to torture him more by pondering what cruelties would befall him, he found himself wondering just why he had jumped on the General in the lab.

The easy answer was he reacted on pure instinct, his body moving before he had even a thought of what he should do but…

_Why_ was that his first instinct?

Why did he jump in and save the very snake that had hurt him so terribly, that had defiled him, turned him into nothing more than a used…

**_S-stop… J-just stop… _**He begged himself, shutting his eye tight to keep the whispers away. His and those that continued to haunt him from his dreams.

That voice…

Why, why with everything else going on was he so focused on it? Why was he obsessed with looking into its owner? Didn’t he have enough to worry about!?

It seemed there were far too many voices inside him these days. Voices from where he had hidden his old self, his screams now, and then this new one; all of them screaming at him, cursing him for his weakness, for his betrayal to himself and his family and no matter how hard he tried to ignore them, push them back with the other bits of himself, they just kept screaming.

_“Filth...”_

_“Coward.”_

_“Stand and fight!”_

_“Where is your honor!?”_

**_SHUT UP! Shut the f-fuck UP! _** He screamed back at them, more than aware how insane it was to talk to himself. Maybe he was right to be worried about the voices and not just that one?

_ “You are an embarrassment.”_

_“You are no ninja!”_

_“You are just some WHORE!”_

**_NOOO! No I am n-not! I am NOT A WHORE! I fucking… I had to… I n-needed to give in…_**He pleaded to nothing.

_“Slut, you gave yourself to him happily!”_

_“You let him take EVERYTHING FROM YOU!”_

Raphael moaned quietly. **_I didn’t... I didn’t want to. I just… I needed f-food… Water…_**

_“You wanted it. You begged for him.”_

** _Shut up._ **

_“Harder you said. Harder Master!”_

** _I SAID SHUT IT! FUCK! F-fuck… Fuck…_ **

Raphael felt like he was suffocating, suffocating as he drowned under his shame, his sinful actions, and that wretchedly familiar voice.

Who was it? Who was he pulling form his subconscious to torture him? Who did he think would do that?

_“You always were a failure, and now you are less than that.”_

**_Ohhh fucking FUUUCK! STOP IT! Just… Just stop? Please… Please stop! Stop… S-stop it, ohhh… _**He begged, his chest tight and eye burning.

_“You let him take you, gave him your virginity, your purity without question.”_

_“What will your family say?”_

_“What will you tell your father?”_

That, that hurt.

**_AHHHHH! STOOOOP! STOP NOOOOW! _**His teeth were clenched tightly, his jaw screaming in protest.

_“Michelangelo saw you as a hero.”_

** _I said FUCKING STOOOOP!_ **

_“Donatello a protector.”_

** _FUCKING SHUT UUUP! I HATE YOU! I F-FUCKING HATE YOU! _ **

_“What will you say, to me?”_

And finally he knew who it was that haunted him.

It was Leo, it was Leo’s voice that hurt him so.

Raphael’s eye opened wide, his breath caught in his lungs his body stiff from where it hung. He couldn’t speak, couldn’t see correctly, couldn’t…

**_Leo… Why, why Leo? Why would I… Would he… Would he hate me like this, hurt me like this? _**He thought, almost berating himself for not recognizing the voice of his brother. In fact, he hadn’t even thought of the other turtle since awakening , the brother that was locked in this Hell with him, the brother he looked up to, trusted, and…

And the only thing he_ did_ associate his brother with was with him hurting him; torturing him, feeding his shame with hateful, cruel words?

His mind reeled with this realization, his eye bulging as echoes of his dream clawed up from his consciousness and he gasped at what small fragments escaped far enough for him to remember.

He had been at the pool again, the pool he always saw his brother in and it, it seemed it started out sweet, from the few images he could decipher.

There was one of him holding the smaller turtle, one where they were laughing, one where their lips touched and then…

Then they had crawled out of the water, lying in the grass to lie together under the stars.

** _We, I dreamt this before but… But this time…_ **

His heart raced as he remembered what came next.

It was then a new voice flowed over his precious oasis, a gentle silvery thing that warned him, told him he should stop, that Leo would only bring him pain.

He had ignored the warning, his need for the smaller turtle too strong, too long pushed aside. They had kissed deeper then, both moaning, writhing against one another until Leo had slipped his fingers down, down and over Raphael’s hip, up under his tail…

That was when things changed.

Suddenly thunder boomed in his dream, lightning crackling across a now black clouded sky and Leo brought his hand back around, thrusting it in Raph’s face as he snarled.

_“What is this!?” _He had demanded, his digits separating and as they did a long line of cum hung between them…

Raphael had been mortified, even now a small broken keen escaping as he remembered the scene, its clarity only building with every moment.

He had tried to explain, tried to wipe himself clean but Leo, Leo was repulsed by him, calling him a whore, a liar, a _slut…_

** _No… No Leo… Leo wouldn’t d-do that, he wouldn’t hurt me. He would u-understand!_ **

** _Wouldn’t he?_ **

The dream had ended in a fight, sort of, his brother screaming vulgarities at him, beating him for his twisted ways, telling him he had failed his family and in the end Raph he…

He had been terrified.

Now, as he was marched towards another session of torture, another promise of agony, the longer he thought of the other turtle the deeper that fear bore into him.

His heart was hammering, his skin plastered in sweat… He, he was terrified to think of him!

Of Leo!?

Wh-why?

Why?

**_Arrgh, stop! Just stop! I, I can’t be afraid right now! I, I need to be strong damnit or they will tear me apart! _**He told himself, trying desperately to push the dream back into the dark abyss of his mind but it kept playing! Every nightmarish moment of it did, especially where he lay there, not fighting back, defenseless as his brother, his _love_ beat him, broke not only his body and mind but, but his heart…

The General chuckled as a broken whimper escaped the mutant he held. “I can feel you shivering creature. Your heart like that of vermin cornered by a cat. You_ should_ be afraid… I am who my Master calls in when he has a ‘difficult’ case. I assure you, I am very good at what I do.”

Raphael was actually grateful for the psycho’s words, they distracted him from the unexplainable _horror_ he felt when he thought of the one he loved.

** _Oh gods… What, what have they done to me!? Wait…Did, did I do THIS to me? Did I? WHAT THE FUCK!?_ **

Ignorant to the true reason his prisoner was panicking the General laughed harder when Raph’s shaking continued. “Ahhh, here we are.” He cheered happily, stopping before a heavy metal door and motioning to one of his soldiers to open it. “I took all night preparing this place for you creature. I hope you like it.”

So lost in his own fury and confusion Raphael didn’t even hear the man’s words or warning and was only ripped into the reality of what awaited him as he was thrown unceremoniously onto the grated floor of his new interrogation room.

He groaned, pushing his aching form up, as well as he could with his chains, before he lifted his head and gaped at what he found.

** _Oh, oh f-fuck… What, what the FUCK IS THIS SHIT!?_ **

If Shi’s lab looked like something out of Silent Hill this room it, he…

He had no reference.

A meat shed maybe?

A butcher’s back room?

** _A FUCKING HORROR MOVIE!?_ **

The room was dark, as all on the ship were but this one was especially eerie. There were numerous chains hanging from the ceiling, some rings set on the floor but that was nothing compared to the numerous metal tables set about the walls. Each of them were rusted, broken and they all were covered with a variety of tools and weapons, each glittering in the light of the singular swinging bulb that lit the room.

The General sneered at him, his towering form stomping over to one of the tables. “The rest of you are dismissed. I can handle one bound freak on my own.” The man said, waving the other Clan members away.

Raph stared as they left him, left him and shut the massive door locking it tight behind them.

He was locked in, in with this monster.

** _Oh fuck, oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck…_ **

“I have heard you have advanced healing abilities, that is good.” The nameless General spoke, his voice almost giddy sounding and when he turned around, holding something akin to a wood sander, the young turtle almost vomited on the spot.

“That is very good, means I can take my time with you.” He repeated, stepping towards his victim and chuckling as the poor thing tried to scramble back.

“Y-you are f-fucking SICK!” Raphael screamed, jerking as the monster turned the tool on it whirled to life with a shrieking ring.

The General shook his head. “No, not sick little creature, just determined. Now… Where is that lair of yours?”

Raphael swallowed hard, his eye wide, mind reeling but, but he was determined! He, he could take this, right?

As the monster moved closer, the whirl of the sander becoming piercing to his sensitive hearing the young Hamato felt a sliver of doubt fill him.

** _F-fuck… Please, please don’t let me break. Please, I… I have lost so much already, shamed myself so deeply… Don’t let me add my family’s destruction to my sins…_ **

** _P-please?_ **

…………………….

Shredder peered up from some scrolls he had been reading as Gin Shi walked into his makeshift study. The albino looked stressed, his face contorted with a variety of emotions even though he seemed to be trying to hide them all… It was a peculiar thing to see.

For so long the mutant had had only one expression, a stoic empty look but over the last week something was changing him and the Foot Clan leader had an idea of what that might be.

In fact, he was fairly certain Shi had come to his study to discuss the very creature that had inspired such a alteration in his once apathetic scientist.

“Master.” The mutant bowed low before the long desk Shredder sat behind and the hulking warlord grunted in response.

“Gin Shi, if this is about how your time with the turtle was abruptly ended I have no desire to hear your complaints. The General’s mission is an imperative one and I grow weary of the prisoner’s insolence.” He said evenly, returning his attention to his scroll without another word.

Shi grated his teeth together once again. At this point he was fairly certain he would have nothing but gums left. “Master, I am not here about that, though it irks me.” He added with a snarl before continuing. “I am actually here to propose a plan, one I think may work to both our advantages when it comes to the mutant.”

The warlord lifted his eyes once more, the dark orbs glittering with the candles that adorned his desk. He much preferred natural light to florescent, regardless of its supposed limitations. People relied on artificial light too easily, making them reliant upon it.

He was a ninja, he was used to working in the dark, he thrived within it and only used the slightest amount of light when absolutely necessary.

He did not bow to the power of light, IT bowed to him.

Shredder waved off the scientist’s offer. “I believe any issues I have with the turtle will be solved by the end of the day, Gin Shi. I have no need of your assistance in this matter.”

Panic again bloomed in the snake’s chest, his concern over this new General growing by the second. He _needed_ to free his Demon from the bastard’s grasp.

“And what if he fails?” He asked, his voice measured and controlled even as his heart thundered.

Shredder scowled at him, his dark eyes nearly hidden under the visor of his helmet but still they seemed to bore into Shi with an intensity very few could procure.

“He will _not_ fail, or I will kill him.” He answered simply, but his tone was dark and confident.

Shi swallowed, his mind whirling, grasping for the right words to convince his leader. “And if he fails, what then? Do you have another plan to break the turtle without destroying him, without breaking him down to just a blubbering mess!? I need him!”

The moment the words were out of his mouth Shi cursed himself. Not only did he unintentionally hint at his growing weakness for Raphael but he had let his emotions slip into his voice and he knew that he…

He sounded desperate.

Slowly Shredder placed the scroll down on his desk and folded his scarred hands together. “Your obsession with this mutant is betraying you, Gin Shi.”

The scientist remained silent a moment, collecting himself and forcing his face to remain neutral before he answered. “I am merely trying to do as you asked Master. I wish to provide you with the perfect mutant army and I know he is the key to successfully accomplishing that mission.”

The warrior hummed thoughtfully at his words. “Indeed.” He rumbled after a few minutes before tilting his head at Shi. “What is it about him that fascinates you so? Tell me and I will consider hearing this plan of yours.”

Shi flinched at his Master’s question, his mind reeling over why Shredder would care at all what he thought of the turtle. “Master I… I do not under…” He started but stopped as the larger man began to growl.

“No. No, you understand _perfectly_, as I believe I do when it comes to your attachment to this creature and I wish to make sure any plans of yours are not just because you have some sick attraction to him but that you truly believe it could aid me in obliterating these pests once and for all.”

Shi’s eyes opened wide as his leader blatantly brought up his desire for Raphael. “Master I… My need of the mutant is purely scientific…”

Shredder slammed his fist on his desk, his eyes flashing dangerously at Shi as he leaned forwards. “Never lie to me again Shi, or I will rip out your blasphemous tongue and feed it to you.” He snarled. “I have heard rumors of what goes on in that lab of yours, how you _secure_ your samples. Did you really think you could hide such things from me, _me!?_ On my own ship!?”

Suddenly Shi didn’t feel so confident, his stomach roiling sickly now.

They knew? They knew what, what he did…

Shredder chuckled darkly as the snake before him squirmed. “Oh yes, I know about your vile engagements but those mean little to me and my grand plans. I do not care how far you have fallen from humanity, _mutant._ I suppose it was inevitable that you would lust after one of your own kind eventually. More animal than man now, aren’t you?”

Gin Shi’s cheeks burned, his hands fisting at his side. **_Animal? ANIMAL!?_**

“And who made me so, _Master?” _He hissed, his fangs unconsciously elongating as his fury increased, his tail slithering across the floor wildly.

Shredder scoffed in disgust. “See, even now you cannot control your animal instincts, but again, I do not care_ how_ you get your results… No matter how abhorrent you methods might be. I just care that you_ get_ them.”

The scientist felt like his chest was going to explode, his anger boiling inside, bubbling like acid when suddenly he realized… He was feeling this fury, truly feeling it and, and not just for a moment but more than that. It, it hadn’t just gone away in an instant, he was seething in it, it was consuming him and…

And it felt wonderful.

“Well Shi? Are you prepared to tell me why you are so obsessed or was my analysis clear enough.” His Master asked, pulling him from his twisted celebration and Shi looked up at the man with a fanged sneer.

“Yes_ Master_, you are correct in your assessment. I want him for my own _sick_ needs, as you said.” He answered, his tone bitter but hateful smile unwavering. “But I know I will_ only_ be able to keep him IF you are provided with what you need and I believe I have figured out how to give us both what we want.”

Shredder glared at him, his eyes narrowing before he nodded. “Very well, I believe you. What is this plan of yours?”

Shi sighed, feeling a twang of relief that he had gotten through to his leader but still felt echoes of his earlier rage. They had lessened yes, going away as they always did but considering how long this episode had lasted it…

It was cause for victory.

_Maybe_ there was a way to at least get that part of him back, somehow work through the effects of his change so that he could laugh again, hate again, love…

All because of his Demon.

“Very well Master, but my plan must happen soon because I fear your brute of a General may indeed break the turtle, but not in the way you hope.”

Shredder grunted. “On with it, Shi.”

The scientist nodded, his thoughts shifting focus so that he could present his plans in the clearest form possible.

His life was depending on this, his Demon’s was and any slip, any fault could end in disaster.

** _No… No I will survive, WE will no matter what but first…_ **

He cleared his throat, making certain to stand tall. “Master, here is what I propose…”

………………

“RAAAAAAWWWWWWGGGG!”

“Give me an answer turtle. I can do this all night.”

Raphael sobbed in relief as the sander was pulled away once more, but he knew his respite would be short…

It always returned.

“Nnnnggg… Naaahhh…” The young turtle panted, his body jerking as it tried to curl into itself but the bastard had chained him to the ceiling after having to chase him, hanging him from his already ruined wrists. He was set up much like he had been with General Gao only this time he was also linked to the floor by a chain connected to his collar.

** _F-fucking b-bastard… _ **

The result of the, evidently ingenious and agonizing move, was that now not only could he hardly breath but his back was arched awkwardly, exposing his whole front without any hope of protecting it and his head was pulled back so that all he could see was the ceiling…

He couldn’t even see when the attacks were coming.

The General chuckled as he began cleaning the flesh and blood out of the grinder’s gears once more noting that he would need a new sanding belt soon. **_Maybe one with a lower grit level? _** He mused, glancing up at the heaving creature, there was admiration in his eyes even though his prey couldn’t see it.

“You have done well, you know.” He said proudly. “Most of my victim’s would have snapped in two at this point. My Master wasn’t lying about your tenacity.”

The turtle moaned, his tears blinding his remaining eye, but there wasn’t much to see anyways.

“And the way you heal. Impressive.” The mad man continued, his voice circling around Raph, probably admiring the damage he had created.

“F-fuuuuck _y-yoooou_…” Raphael grated out between clenched teeth.

He needed to keep them clenched now, he was too scared of biting off his own tongue otherwise.

The human chuckled once more, patting the mutant’s raw side before making it over to another one of his work tables. “I will have to say these last few hours have been the most entertaining I have had in a while. As I said before, I am usually brought in to deal with difficult interrogation cases but nobody ever lasts long. I get so tired of disappointing missions.”

**_Shut UP! Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP! You sick FUCK! Sick, sick FUUUUCK! _**Raphael begged the man silently, his poisonous voice ringing in his head with all of the _observations_ the fuck had spewed as he tore Raph apart over, and over, and OvEr again!

It had been endless, the chattering as well as the agony. The General would beat him, cut him, FUCKING SAND HIM DOWN and then step back, let him heal a bit, and start the process once more.

It was through these agonizing waves that the turtle realized Shi’s gift of rice was both a blessing and curse. Yes, it had given him a little more strength, eased the anguish in his stomach but it had also helped with increasing his healing abilities…

He healed much faster now, much to his despair and his tormentor’s delight.

“Ahh, I think you have healed enough now. At least so you will stay conscious. What to use next? Hmmmm…”

The young Hamato jerked as he heard things being moved around, the bastard searching for his next implement of torture.

** _Ahhh fuck… Fuck… I, I can do this. I gotta… I…_ **

“I wonder turtle. Do your limbs grow back and heal as well?”

That snapped something deep inside Raph.

“NNNNNGGGGG! F-FUUUCK!” He bellowed at the man’s question, his control cracking as images of him being legless or armless ripped through his mind.

The General burst out laughing at his response, sauntering over to the mutant and grabbing his leg forcefully. “How about this one?” He asked, his voice sickeningly playful in tone. “Tell you what, _you _tell _me_ which one is your favorite and I will leave it alone, huh? See how NICE I AM!?”

“AAARRRGH! Leave… LEAVE ME ALOOONE!” Raph couldn’t breathe, his panic choking him. He tried to pull his leg away but the freak was too strong, him too weak.

“WHAT’S WRONG!?” The General mocked, tugging on the limb harder. “Don’t want lose it? Then you know what I need, what _you_ need to do. Just tell me, WHERE YOUR FUCKING BASE IS!”

“RAAAWG FUCK YOU!” Raphael spat back, trying to sound unintimidated by the threat but the tears that flowed freely from his eye made his terror very clear.

The human scoffed, releasing the limb and stomping over to his table. “_Fine_. You want to be a hero? Want to save those useless shits! THIS IS WHAT YOU GET!” He screamed, grabbing something off the table and turning it on.

It sounded like a circular saw.

Raph lost it.

“NOOO! FUUUCK, OHHH FUCK, PLEEEASE! Oh my god, oh my fucking GOD! HEEEELP!? S-Someone… Please…” He begged, his breath ragged, body nearly seizing with horror.

“TELL ME THEN! GIVE ME WHAT I WANT!” The monster cried, his voice louder now, as was the buzz of the blade.

He was getting closer.

Getting closer and readying to cut a limb off…

What… What the FuCk!?

** _Oh my GOD! OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD! FFFFFUUUUCK! I… I… FUUUCK! Tell him! Just FUCKING TELL HIM!!!_ **

For only a moment, in his tattered, broken mind did Raphael consider giving the psycho what he wanted.

He hadn’t meant to, would have never seen himself ever, EVER fucking considering such a thing but as the saw inched towards him, as he bellowed and wept well…

Stress does fucked up things to people, doesn’t it?

Though, after that moment passed and the realization of what he_ almost_ did hit him the shame that came over him was, was excruciating.

** _Oh my god! What… What was I thinking!? How, how could I even, even consider… WHAT THE FUCK AM I!? Who the fuck AM I!?_ **

“ARRRRRRGH FUUUUUUCK!” He roared, his fury, his fear, his humiliation all pouring out of him in the savage cry. “Yooou, YOU AIN’T GETTING SHIT FROM ME! NEVER YOU FUUUUCK! Come on! COME ONNNN! Is, is that the best you GOT!?” He taunted the man, laughing hysterically afterwards.

He was losing it, maybe had already lost it?

He knew he sounded insane, just as insane as those that had taken him, tortured him, raped him…

He was at the end of his rope now, he knew he had nothing left, nothing but silence, the will to keep his younger brother’s safe, his father safe…

He sobbed openly now, half crying half laughing as he resigned himself to this wretched fate.

** _F-Father… I… I won’t let them g-get you or my brothers. I won’t... I… I love you guys… I, I love you Papa…_ **

It was then he let himself relax, his muscles uncoiling, his head falling back limply.

He was ready.

He was finally ready to die, ready to give everything he was to save them. To save his family.

Even if he was lost…

_“And me Raphie? What about me? Are you going to leave me here alone, leave me with them?”_

Raph’s eye snapped open as the whisper clawed up from the depths he had banished it to earlier.

Leo… Leo, the name he wasn’t supposed to say, the person that brought him pain, that frightened him, that…

That confused him.

** _Leo… Leo. He is here, he is here and if I die will, will they do THIS to, to him? Why, why does saying his name frighten me? Why do I flinch at the thought of him?_ **

So lost in his questions, his goodbyes, his fears the young turtle had almost forgotten the terrifying reality he was facing until he felt a hand grab his leg and he stiffened.

** _Oh shit! Oh shit… Ok, ok… You, this is ok. It, it is. It h-has to b-be…_ **

He shut his eye once more, forcing himself to just let it happen, telling himself to be strong, that he was doing the right thing when a loud bang suddenly sounded from across the room and someone shrieked in fury.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?”

…………………

It had taken a long time to prepare for his plan. Too long in Shi’s mind but that Shredder believed in it, in _him_ enough to start preparations even without the General failing in his mission was, was a gift.

“This had better work Gin Shi, or you know the consequences.” His Master had told him, warned him over and over.

“Yes Master, I know.” He would answer back, his heart fluttering nervously at the threat but, he had a plan for that too.

If this somehow failed he knew what he would do. Now, did he know every step, no. He just knew he was resourceful and intelligent and created a vague idea of how to remain alive should everything crumble.

He just hoped it wouldn’t come to that.

**_Please, please let this work. _**He had prayed silently as he and his Master made their way to where the General was currently interrogating his Demon.

Shi was nervous as they walked, not only for the success of his plans but… He wasn’t sure what state he would find his prize.

Would he be dead already? The mad man losing it at some point and just outright murdering the youth or, or would his mind be broken?

That scared him most, images of just a drooling, incoherent mutant fleeting through his head.

He would be devastated is he lost his Demon to that.

** _Arrgh focus! One thing at a time! You can’t control everything._ **

The two of them walked in uneasy silence, his Lord stomping along as he glided next to him and it wasn’t until they hit that last hall that their silence came to an abrupt end as his Demon’s screams reached his ears.

** _Gods… I can hear him from way back here._ **

Shredder turned his head and peered at the scientist over his gleaming mask. “Sounds like the General may have things handled after all.” He said evenly, his nonchalance making the snake’s fury grow.

“Yes, how magnificent for…” Shi started, his voice thick with disgust when he stopped as a new sound greeted his ears.

It was a ringing but not like a bell, more like…

“Oh no…” He whispered, his legs moving before he even created the thought to do so. He heard his Master yell for him but he ignored it as his Demon’s scream increased.

** _No. NO! Don’t let me be too late!_ **

The guards at the door looked surprised as he skid to a stop in front of them, that shock growing as he bellowed, “LET ME IN!”

“Uhhh…” One of them stupidly mumbled. “We were told no…”

Shi saw red. “LET ME THE FUCK IN!” He screeched, his arms flying up to rip the bastard’s head off…

“Stop Shi. You there, open the door.” Shredder’s deep voice broke through the haze of madness that had overcome the snake and he begrudgingly lowered his arms so the idiot could follow his orders.

“Faster damnit!” He hissed, the bumbling fool taking far too long to unlock the door.

Shredder stopped right next to him, placing a heavy hand over his shoulder. “Calm down Shi.” He told the scientist, his tone leaving no room for argument.

Shi muttered swears under his breath but stepped back from the soldiers. **_I swear, if he is missing ANYTHING, any part of him… I will kill them all._**

Finally the door unlocked, the two Foot members grunting as they worked to open it together and what was revealed behind it was just…

Just…

** _Oh my GOD!_ **

Shi jumped forwards, his violet eyes wide with horror as he watched the General lean over the leg he held, a circular saw in his other hand and he was slowly bringing it down…

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?” He raged, pulling both the General’s attention and the weeping turtle’s to him.

The General scowled over the whirling tool. “_YOU!? _No one was to interrupt…” He started when Shredder’s massive form filled the doorway.

“You are to cease your mission for now, General. There have been some, interesting developments today.”

The hulking commander scanned from his leader to Shi and back before shutting down the saw he held and huffing in disappointment. “Developments?” He asked, his voice even, respectful but his fury was clear…

The sick fuck.

Shredder nodded, peering over at the equally confused and stunned turtle. “Yes, you are excused for now but first, remove the chain from his collar. I want him to look at me as I speak.”

Raph could hardly keep up with everything that had happened, his mind too frazzled by his acceptance of the imminent death or dismemberment he had just faced and now, somehow… That wasn’t going to happen?

** _Wh-what… What n-now? What are they…_ **

He groaned as the chain at his neck was released, allowing him to lean his head forwards for the first time in hours. His neck was killing him but that ache was just a shadow of the pain that currently inhabited every other piece of his body.

**_M-my b-body… _**Slowly his shock bled away, allowing his focus to shift from near death to what had happened to him over the last few hours and when he looked down at himself…

** _Oh… Oh my g-god. Oh my… My… MY GOOOOD! _ **

“Demon…”

A soft voice but one that commanded his attention called out to him.

The young Hamato sobbed as he raised his head from his ruined form, his eye wide, body jerking. “M-Mas…”

“_Our _Master has something to say.” Shi cut him off quickly, afraid if he was addressed as Master before Shredder was his treasure would receive even more punishment…

** _Punishment? No, No what he has done is… Arrgh! Look at you, look at what he did to you… Oh, my beautiful Demon._ **

As the disgruntled General began cleaning up his tools Shredder walked up to the hanging ninja, stopping just before his twitching face.

“I admire your self-discipline turtle. You have surpassed my expectations and perhaps even those of my subordinates.” The warlord congratulated him, glancing at the glowering General before turning back to the mutant. “And yet your suffrage was for naught, but not because of your own failures.”

Raph blinked at him, fighting to stay conscious, forcing himself to ignore the nightmarish shape his body was now in…

There was so much to ignore.

“S-Suffer… Sufferage… D-Done?” He stuttered out, his eye fleeting from Shredder to, to Gin Shi who stood right behind him.

He liked that the snake was here, he felt better with him here…

For some fucked up reason.

Shredder nodded. “Yes, you are in luck Hamato. It seems another has fallen in your place. Your torture here will be suspended for the time being and you will return to Gin Shi’s labs.”

Raphael laughed, it was a soft, slightly crazy sounding thing but he couldn’t believe his luck! He, he got to go back to the LABS!?

Would, would he get more food!?

Would he get a bath!?

Water?

Oh, oh he needed time to heal so badly, he was in so much pai…

And then his brain finally caught up with what had been said and he realized that something… Something was off.

** _W-wait… Wh-why? Wh-why d-done? Why labs…_ **

His mind raced then, struggling through the haze that seemed ever present now as he tried to work through the conversation once more.

** _Said… Said did well… Then, den said suffer, suffer for… For nothing? Someone fell? In place of… Who? Who fell? Fell how? What…_ **

His heart froze, his eye growing wide, terror spilling into his veins like acid.

Someone took his place? Someone fell for him? He wasn’t going to be tortured like _this_ anymore!?

That could only mean one thing, there was only on other being that could fall in his place, only one other poor bastard that was locked in this nightmare with him…

** _No._ **

** _No._ **

** _No, he…_ **

** _Leo…_ **

** _ Leo would never!_ **

** _He would never, NEVER fucking give them up!_ **

** _But… _ **

** _But I…_ **

** _I almost d-did…._ **

Shredder tilted his head as he silently watched the waves of intense emotions play out over the mutant’s face. It was rather spectacular to watch; akin to witnessing one slip to madness but not over years of pain and misery. No, this was happening in real time, in just a few short minutes…

He felt his confidence in Shi’s plan rise.

“Your brother finally gave in, broke after he was informed of what was happening to _you_.” Shredder told the shaking youth, making certain to add emphasis where it was needed.

Raphael gasped for air. **_M-Me? Me? Heard… Heard…. L-Leo…_**

The Foot Clan leader nodded once more, his eyes boring into his prisoner’s. “Yes. Once he discovered what was happening to you, his_ love_, he shattered.” He explained, as nonchalantly as one would describe the weather. His victim though, he crumbled under the weight of his words.

**_Love? Love Shattered? He, he loved… He shattered? Sh-shatter… Shattered? Shattered… Shattered, shatter, shattershattershatter… _**The turtle whimpered, his heart hammering so loudly he could hardly hear his nemesis’s words.

“I was told his mind broke in the end and then he began screaming out instructions to your base. So, we do not need you anymore. You no longer have to suffer for this.”

**_Oh, oh my god. _**Raph gaped at the man, his beak hanging opening, blood dripping from its split lips.

Leo he… He broke?

Broke because, because of him?

Because, because he love… He LOVED Raphael!?

“Nnnn… No. Nooo. No he never, never break!” He moaned, denying everything this… This fucker had said!

Leo would never give his family up!

NEVER!

NEEEEVEEERRRR!

…

..

.

Wouldn’t he?

The warlord scoffed. “I do not care if you believe me or not. It is as I said and now my troops are preparing to infiltrate your lair, kill your brothers, murder the vermin that is your Sensei and then…” He moved closer, a smile rising behind his mask. “And then the legacy of the Hamato family will be wiped from this earth, well… All but you.”

** _No. No it is bullshit. It… He… Leo… Noo. NOOOO. NOOOOOOOO!_ **

Raphael shattered, shattered as his brother did, as his… His love did for, for him

“NNNNNGGGG, you are LYING! Fucking, FUCKING LIIIIAAARRRR!” The turtle raged! He pulled against his shackles, tugging until his wrists bled, until his hands went numb…

It couldn’t be true! This…

This wasn’t happening!

It wasn’t POSSIBLE!

** _No! No he, he is playing wit me… Leo would never… Wait…_ **

Again time seemed to stop, Shredder’s words carving even more dark caverns in the recesses of his fragmented mind.

** _Did… Did he say I, I would be the only, only one l-left?_ **

Raphael Hamato looked up at the monster before him, his expression oddly controlled even as he was disintegrating inside. “L-Leo… Wh-what…” He muttered, unable to finish the question especially when the devil in front of him laughed.

“Your brother was killed, naturally, after his usefulness expired. Why would I keep two of you around when all I need for my next mission is one?” Was all Shredder said before turning on his heel and making his way to the exit.

Raphael started after him, those last words ringing, no… No screeching, SCREAMING, CLAWING through him like fire.

** _L-Leo… Leo… You, you are… Are…_ **

** _Gone?_ **

** _Gone…_ **

Gin Shi stood silently in the corner he had placed himself in once his Master had confronted the turtle, quietly watching the exchange with calculating eyes, his ears listening intently…

His Master had done his part spectacularly and now… Now it was his turn.

“Huh… Good riddance.”

The snake frowned as Shredder’s new General huffed and followed after his Master, the man clearly upset about the abrupt end to his torture session but for now, he was defeated, Shi ‘s intelligence had won the trust of their Master, won the honor of their next steps…

**_Filth. Good, I enjoy that he is in pain after this… At least he has the sense to move on. _**Shi noted as he watched the brute go and then, then it was just him and his Demon.

** _My precious Demon… Now, now it is time to grind the bolt down. I am sad to see you suffer like this but, but if only you could have freed yourself of this Leo before, I… I would not have had to ruin you so completely._ **

He stepped in closer to the strangely silent turtle, his violet eyes searching as they scanned his prize’s face.

** _My Demon you… You are broken, I can see that but only over a ruse. I must complete this circle, I must make this true or else… Or else you will never truly be mine._ **

“Demon…” He started, his voice softer than ever before but still the turtle didn’t move, didn’t even blink at his call.

That wouldn’t do.

To complete his plan he needed his treasure to hear him, to… To trust him.

“Demon please, please love… Look at me?” He implored, stepping in even closer and finally the youth lifted his one remaining eye to his.

He looked, destroyed.

Not merely broken, not just crumbled but…

But _destroyed_.

Just as he needed to be.

“I… I am here.” Shi whispered, his words practiced but the emotion behind them true and that seemed to help as his precious Demon sobbed at the promise.

“M… Master… I… _M-Master h-help_?” The mutant, the freak, the poor young turtle begged through his tears, through the agony that was consuming him, the despair that now stifled every breath and, and in that moment Shi felt his heart ignite.

He knew he had him.

Shi rushed forwards, wrapping his arms around his Demon tightly. “I… I am so sorry, love. I, I wish I could have done more. I, I didn’t know…”

The ruined turtle wept harder at his words. “I… I du-dunno… L-l-lost…” His words wouldn’t come to him, he was too ruined, too destroyed to say more.

Leo, Leo was gone… Killed and, and now his family was next?

**_I… Ohhhh… Jus, just kill… Kill meeee… Killl, kill, kill PLEASE! _**He begged the ever silent gods, a mournful howl escaping him as his Master held him tight.

He wanted to die.

He, he had nothing left and…

And he wanted, truly wanted to….

“Be quiet love… Be quite and remain still.”

Raphael blinked in confusion at the odd request, he himself too broken to really understand anything at this point until he heard the snake… Heard his _Master _begin to grunt and he felt the shackles on his ankles fall free.

** _Wh-what?_ **

“I cannot lower the chain, I do not have _that_ key so… So brace yourself for the fall as best you can.” Was all the warning he got before the shackles on his wrists opened and he plummeted downwards.

“Arrrgh!” Raph landed in a heap, his earlier abuses, his starvation, his shock giving him no strength to do otherwise but… But his confusion to his Master’s actions was adding to what little energy he had.

Was, was Shi just preparing him for the labs? If so, why was he so secretive? Why was he acting so odd?

**_Why, why dus… Dus matter? Leo.. Leo g-gone. Family… Mikey, Donnie, fa… P-Papa… _**He lamented, trying to curl himself into a protective ball when he then felt hands on his neck.

They were fiddling with his collar.

“I… I love you Demon. I didn’t mean to, I didn’t even know I could but… But I do.” The snake told him, his confession hurried but heavy as he worked on the lock of the mutant’s last binding. “I love you and, I was already unable to save Leonardo but maybe… Maybe I can help you save the rest of your family?”

This, this seemed to spark some life in the turtle, his head lifting, his one eye dilating as he focused on the man above him.

** _S-save? Save? Who? How can I…_ **

And then Raphael gasped as the pressure of his collar was released, the wretched thing falling to the ground beneath him with a resounding _clank._

It was then he realized that Gin Shi, the man that had hurt him, raped him, helped to destroy him had…

He had just freed him.

** _I… I dun, don’t under… What?_ **

Hands slid under his shoulders, the other mutant lending his strength as he pulled Raph to his feet.

“I will distract them, love. I will try my hardest to secure your escape so… When I say run, RUN! Understand?”

** _R-run? What, was happening? M-Master?_ **

The broken youth stumbled as he was dragged forwards, his journey leaving a trail of blood behind it when suddenly he growled, finding hidden strength, pulling it from deep inside him before jumping at his twisted savior.

“ARRRRGH!” He roared as he pinned the snake to the wall of his prison, the other mutant helpless now as he had no shackles, no collar to control Raphael’s actions with.

Shi shivered under his Demon’s hold.

He truly was incredible, even being as ruined as he was, he still continued to surprise his Master.

“Demon?” He asked, his voice low but strong and his pet snarled in response.

“A trick? A f-fucking s-sick trick!? You, you _f-f-fuck!_” The turtle spat, his strength clearly waning as the arms that now pressed Shi to the wall began trembling.

Shi shook his head, his eyes meeting his Demon’s calmly. “No trick Demon… Love. Just… Just weakness.”

The turtle stared at him and he stared back, their storms clear in their eyes, their losses, fears, fury reflecting as if they were looking in a mirror…

Shi, he had told the truth just now. It was no game, no ploy.

His Demon _was_ his weakness, _was_ the reason he had planned all this out so, so his sincerity was easy to portray and his poor, honorable treasure…

He just ate it up.

Raph keened at the snake’s words, his own shattered heart aching for the monster he held.

A monster like, like him?

“Ohhh…” He mumbled, easing the pressure of his hold and stepping back as he took in the creature before him. Analyzing, scrutinizing him more deeply than, than ever before.

** _He… He is setting me free. Free to s-save…Save what, what l-little family I have left? Why? Why would he…_ **

He leaned in closer to his _Master_, to one of his many tormentors…

“Why?” He grated out as his beak nuzzled against the other mutant’s chin, his frail form trembling not only with pain now but rage and, and perhaps insecurity.

It was easier when bad guys were just _bad. _ That made hurting them excusable, it lifted the guilt from his shoulders his soul but this Shi…

He, he was an enigma.

The albino shrugged under the relaxed hold, lowering his head to return the gentle nuzzle the turtle gave him. He smiled as his Demon churred under the caress.

“I told you Demon...” He whispered, his voice thick with emotions, both true and false. “You, you are my weakness and… And I know I have hurt you, I know I have tainted you as others tainted me but… I value you thus, value everything you do. I want to help you because… Because I was foolish enough to fall in love with you.”

Raphael keened at his destroyer’s admission.

** _Love… He loves me? Love…_ **

** _ Did Leo? Did he before…_ **

** _Before…_ **

Suddenly Raph was moving, his actions again falling to instinct, to his unconsciousness desires or, or needs and then his lips were warm…

Shi inhaled sharply as his Demon kissed him, his body stiff and yet shaking.

He had not expected this, especially if it was freely given so…

So he just felt confused.

** _He… He is kissing me? Why? Why is he… Why would he…_ **

Their breath mingled, the scent of iron, of blood mingling between them, the kiss painful for both as it grew in intensity and soon both were panting…

**_D-Demon…. I… I… I feel you… _**Shi rejoiced silently, his arms wrapping around the back of the turtle’s neck, tugging him closer, their lips mashing, bruising but then his treasure pulled back. The turtle breathing heavily as he gently placed a hand against the snake’s cheek.

“Thank you Shi. I, I won’t forget this.”

A whisper, a murmur as his Demon’s lips slid across Shi’s and then, then there was only the coldness of loss…

** _No… No don’t go._ **

The snake blinked at the loss, his eyes flying open the moment the warmth against him vanished but all he found once his vison cleared was open space…

** _He… He is gone…_ **

He knew one as skilled as his Demon would be quick, knew he had things to protect and even as weak as he was he would jump at the chance to save them all but, but it still hurt.

**_No, no this is good. This is perfect. This is what I wanted! _** He told himself as he stumbled out of the room on numb legs. The kiss his pet, his prize, his Treasure had given him still tingling upon his lips.

** _He is my Demon but also, also my Treasure…_ **

Slowly he worked his way through the ship, never catching a glimpse of his love, no matter how hard he searched.

His Demon was gone, off to save a family Shi had just set him up to destroy…

He wondered what their loss would do to his Treasure.

** _No, focus! You must focus! There is still more to do. More I must face before he is mine…_ **

The walk was long, his heart aching with pains he had not felt in years. Pains only present because of the loss of the one being that had stirred them in him in the first place but eventually, he made it to his Master’s study once more.

Shredder glared at him as he entered the room, the hulking monster standing before a fleet of readied Foot soldiers. “It is done?” He asked curtly and Shi nodded.

“It is.” He responded; his voice weak, heart skipping…

His Master chuckled quietly before turning to his warriors. “Follow him but remain hidden. I have promised only_ him_ as a survivor, as for the rest… Annihilate them all.”


End file.
